just joined here. Totally heartbroken and about and not to do

[MarA1210]

Long story short (not at all!)

I am now 40 years-old. My partner and I broke up after 4 years together. He's an alcoholic and has been on and off the wagon for years before me and during our time together. I have no addiction with drugs or alcohol so it was soul draining at times. We had a break up in Dec. 2009 and that lasted a whole whopping 5 weeks. He made so many promises and I moved back to the area where we lived after I moved from the West to the East Coast. Here we are again, separated by 2000+ miles. He's saying that he wants to sober up (which will take time) and "fix" things. God knows I want that to be the case in the future. Everyone says that I am just going to get hurt again just as I did so many times in the past.

When he had extended periods of sobriety, we were the happiest couple in the world together. Yes, there was a lot of stress just due to life itself.

His friends from way back always start to butt in and insist that they lost their friend since he and I met. Darn right! He didn't go out and party like a rock star with a bunch of mid-life crisis addicts. But, one particular friend he has started to really get his foot in the door in 10/09. This guy is so influential over him. He's mean to women and hates women and never had success with any relationship. He wants his gang back, without women, because misery loves company and once they have their gang back, it's all about getting drunk, doing drugs and just trying to keep the past alive. My ex falls for this over and over and over.

Since I left, my ex quit his job and has very little money. He's trying to "come off the sauce" and is very sad, depressed and cries all of the time about how he was so wrong. He's very apologetic. I have sailed into him with tons of angry words which he does not meet with anger back. I said that I don't trust a thing he says and at times I feel that he's just playing games. He has been doing his best to stay in touch with me every day via email. He never lashes out at me.

I told him that I will never relocate back there and that he would have to get healthy (which he wants according to what he says) and find a way to come to me this time. I told him that I will not help him. If he wants me that bad, then he will have to do all the work. Knowing him, I don't feel like he is capable of ALL of these things.

I still love him. I cannot stand the thought of another man being in my life. I don't want anyone to even touch me unless it is him. It's been almost 2 months since we saw each other last. The pain is actually getting worse because I had anger. Now, the angry stage is over. Now, I just feel lonely, very hopeless and feel as if were to wait for him to pull off this (((miracle))), IMO, I will just lose more years of my life and it will just keep the heartache constant and leaves room to be hurt all over again.

I don't know if waiting to see what he actually does vs. what he says is harmful or not. I tried to not talk to him for weeks and it gets unbearable.

I have been doing things to make MY life more fulfilling on my own. But, at the end of the day and at different times of each day, I cry like a teenager that just had their first heartbreak.

I admit that I never truly loved anyone as deeply as I love him. I feel like I could never feel the way I felt with him (the good times)...I know people that had lost their true love and are still hurting 20 years later. That scares me because I don't want to be alone forever. Not sure if waiting is even healthy. I cannot just erase him from my mind or my heart.

I miss him so much. I really don't know what I need to do now.

Healing is not happening even when I made sure we didn't talk. Sometimes, it feels good to think there's a slight chance that this miracle might occur. I just feel lost if I let go of the hope. At times, I get so depressed I wish I would just die. I wouldn't take my life. It just hurts too much to live feeling like this and putting on the front that everything is fine in my life in front of others that think I did the best thing ever by leaving him. No matter where I am and not matter who I am dealing with, I act strong, full of life and literally pretend that I am getting better each day. My professional life is all about putting on an act too.

I saw a psychiatrist and he gave me antidepressants and talked to me for 2 hours. He says that I am in a major depression. I agree with him!

 

If you got this far, I give you a purple heart. I know I am not the only one suffering in the world. There's worse pains in life. I just cannot deny myself the right to grieve and try to figure out what is best for now and in the future. I am gripped with angst and fear. The pills don't help at all with the sadness and nervousness. They just help me sleep which I need bad.

 

Ugh.

[betterdeal]

I think you're doing really well given the circumstances. It will get better and you will feel the anxiety and sense of loss fade, it just takes time and accepting the new circumstances you are in. You've done the right thing by letting this guy have the space to fix his own problems, and also giving yourself the space and a calm place to heal in.

 

I've found things like massage and yoga have helped with the anxiety a lot. They help me clear my mind and stop worrying about things. I suggest you try them, see if they help you too.

 

It will get better. You will get better. It's a time to adjust and grow again. Connect with some new people around you and let go of the fear inside.

 

Keep us up to date, if you can.

Edited March 21, 2011 by betterdeal

[hoping2heal]

Long story short (not at all!)

I am now 40 years-old. My partner and I broke up after 4 years together. He's an alcoholic and has been on and off the wagon for years before me and during our time together. I have no addiction with drugs or alcohol so it was soul draining at times. We had a break up in Dec. 2009 and that lasted a whole whopping 5 weeks. He made so many promises and I moved back to the area where we lived after I moved from the West to the East Coast. Here we are again, separated by 2000+ miles. He's saying that he wants to sober up (which will take time) and "fix" things. God knows I want that to be the case in the future. Everyone says that I am just going to get hurt again just as I did so many times in the past.

When he had extended periods of sobriety, we were the happiest couple in the world together. Yes, there was a lot of stress just due to life itself.

His friends from way back always start to butt in and insist that they lost their friend since he and I met. Darn right! He didn't go out and party like a rock star with a bunch of mid-life crisis addicts. But, one particular friend he has started to really get his foot in the door in 10/09. This guy is so influential over him. He's mean to women and hates women and never had success with any relationship. He wants his gang back, without women, because misery loves company and once they have their gang back, it's all about getting drunk, doing drugs and just trying to keep the past alive. My ex falls for this over and over and over.

Since I left, my ex quit his job and has very little money. He's trying to "come off the sauce" and is very sad, depressed and cries all of the time about how he was so wrong. He's very apologetic. I have sailed into him with tons of angry words which he does not meet with anger back. I said that I don't trust a thing he says and at times I feel that he's just playing games. He has been doing his best to stay in touch with me every day via email. He never lashes out at me.

I told him that I will never relocate back there and that he would have to get healthy (which he wants according to what he says) and find a way to come to me this time. I told him that I will not help him. If he wants me that bad, then he will have to do all the work. Knowing him, I don't feel like he is capable of ALL of these things.

I still love him. I cannot stand the thought of another man being in my life. I don't want anyone to even touch me unless it is him. It's been almost 2 months since we saw each other last. The pain is actually getting worse because I had anger. Now, the angry stage is over. Now, I just feel lonely, very hopeless and feel as if were to wait for him to pull off this (((miracle))), IMO, I will just lose more years of my life and it will just keep the heartache constant and leaves room to be hurt all over again.

I don't know if waiting to see what he actually does vs. what he says is harmful or not. I tried to not talk to him for weeks and it gets unbearable.

I have been doing things to make MY life more fulfilling on my own. But, at the end of the day and at different times of each day, I cry like a teenager that just had their first heartbreak.

I admit that I never truly loved anyone as deeply as I love him. I feel like I could never feel the way I felt with him (the good times)...I know people that had lost their true love and are still hurting 20 years later. That scares me because I don't want to be alone forever. Not sure if waiting is even healthy. I cannot just erase him from my mind or my heart.

I miss him so much. I really don't know what I need to do now.

Healing is not happening even when I made sure we didn't talk. Sometimes, it feels good to think there's a slight chance that this miracle might occur. I just feel lost if I let go of the hope. At times, I get so depressed I wish I would just die. I wouldn't take my life. It just hurts too much to live feeling like this and putting on the front that everything is fine in my life in front of others that think I did the best thing ever by leaving him. No matter where I am and not matter who I am dealing with, I act strong, full of life and literally pretend that I am getting better each day. My professional life is all about putting on an act too.

I saw a psychiatrist and he gave me antidepressants and talked to me for 2 hours. He says that I am in a major depression. I agree with him!

 

If you got this far, I give you a purple heart. I know I am not the only one suffering in the world. There's worse pains in life. I just cannot deny myself the right to grieve and try to figure out what is best for now and in the future. I am gripped with angst and fear. The pills don't help at all with the sadness and nervousness. They just help me sleep which I need bad.

 

Ugh.

 

Have you ever had to work really, really hard for ten bucks. You will notice how difficult it was for you to spend that ten bucks after working so hard to get it in the first place. I think that is kind of what happens in these high maintenance relationships, especially the soul sucking (as you call it} kinds that exhaust and drain you all but entirely. I think that we naturally form a special bond with something we work very hard for and go through many trials to achieve.

 

I am so sorry that your RS seemed to turn out as the rule, rather than the exception. I can imagine your anger and frustration at the friends in his life who influenced him but ultimately he fell off the wagon because he cannot stay sober.

 

I think the best thing you could do for yourself right now is cut contact for now, so you do not have to have the emails, and the promises, and the pain constantly tearing at your heart day in and day out. He might want to get healthy, but it takes more than an initial desire and I think if he is ever going to be serious about getting better, he will do it without you in his life.

 

Its sad that these relationships end this way so many times, addiction is a terrible thing to battle and its so sad the many who get wrapped up in it and cannot find a way out, but you cannot let that take anymore joy or life from you. You deserve to have stability and a man who can take care of himself, not need you to do that for him. Be kind to yourself, you have been through a lot.

[MarA1210]

I have been doing things right...almost textbook to gain control of my life again and move on. I am open to him attempting to recover and do all the things to reunite us sober. I know the worst case scenario is most likely and that being him not able to kick the addiction.

 

I am doing what I love to do these days and that is dancing and Yoga. No one would know how much of a wreck I am inside and how much I miss him.

 

I am not holding my breath or counting on him to come through. It would be nice but not hanging onto that hope for my dear life. I don't want to meet anyone else because all I want is him. It makes me sick to even think of another man even touching my hand. I know that is normal.

 

About cutting off communication. I did that and it didn't help. Talking to him via email doesn't make anything worse because I am not investing time to help him or us get back together nor am I depending on him to CHANGE or DO anything. We were close friends before and I cannot consider him just another friend right now since our relationship was more than that for 4 years.

 

I just want the sadness to leave me. I miss him so much. I cannot express that to him because I don't want say anything that will impose guilt or that I am needy.

 

He needs to focus on his health and that ALONE is hard. I hate these people he refers to as friends. I really do. It takes a lot not to list names and right a summary of what I think of them.