confidence, questions, sex, and transitioning???

[SPT Rally USA]

ok so i met this girl 3 years ago when i was 16 while going to school in mexico for a year. we became best friends, but i liked her as more than that from the beginning. she was like the most gorgeous girl i had ever met. she was spanish but her father was american so she spoke english very well. it was very weird, because she would always touch me hold my hand and lean on me and stuff but somehow i knew she didnt want to be more than friends. after a long time i decided i had to tell her. she said that she just wanted to be friends... so i was crushed and wondered if i wasnt attractive enough for her or something, i couldnt think of any other reason. nothing happened to our friendship after that. i basically forced myself to bury all my feelings for her so that we could stay friends and swore to myself i would never fall in love with a friend ever again. and since then i have successfully prevented myself from making the same mistake many times.

 

3 years later, here i am in mexico again, visiting my mother for a few months. the day i got here, i met up with the same girl at the mall. we just walked around and laughed and talked and had a great old time and everything, but then she pushed me up against a wall an started kissing me. even though she had hinted at it pretty heavily i could hardly believe it! but i happily kissed her back and we ended up making out for about 15 minutes before i had to take her home. we talked on facebook that night, and she asked if i wanted to be more than friends, i said yes, and we have seen each other probably like 8 or 9 times now for periods of 2-5 hours, about twice a week. for the first few weeks it was just rubbing on the outside of the clothes and making out, but now we have gotten to the point where we have our clothes off, like masturbation.... sorry if im getting too graphic... now here is where the questions come in.

 

this girl has always loved to ask me questions, like dozens every day. thats how its always been, she asks me questions, and i happily answer them. lately she has been asking questions like "what do you like the most out of what we do when are messing around and stuff?" or were you thinking of doing more when were making out and stuff?" "do you want to feel more?" the latter of which she asked me just a couple days ago while we were making out in the bathroom with our clothes off while my mom was downstairs. i answered that questions with "I want to have sex with you." she looked kinda surprised but then agreed, although we had to stop rite after that because my mom called us. after i took her home though, i had a feeling she was going to get cold feet and think it was probably too soon. i was rite, but she said she would do it, just not rite away. but then she asked me if i knew what she was talking about when she asked if i wanted to feel more, i said no, cus i dont know, i guess i didnt think she would want to give me a blow job. but then i finally answered, and then she asked "have you ever imagined me giving you a blow job?" i said yes, then she asked and what it was like. like and idiot, i answered "it was amazing." now sometimes with her questions im just an idiot and i guess i dont have enough confidence to give the answer that i know she is looking for, but sometimes, i swear she uses the wrong grammer or says the wrong words and i dont understand her questions. in either case though, she understandably gets very upset when i cant answer her questions because she feels like im evading her. she soon came up with the conclusion that i dont have enough trust in myself so she needs to stop pushing me so that i can get that trust or confidence myself. i agreed with her, and i think that is what's going on but im not positive.

 

now another thing is, every relationship ive been in, the girl has initiated almost everything. i rarely grab my girlfriends hand, put my arm around her, kiss her, or do almost anything without her initiating it, i know freakin crazy rite? well ive had only about 4 or 5 girlfriends, 3 of which only lasted about a week or 2. but anyways, lately ive been making myself initiate things because i know girls like it when you do that, of course... but i only have been doing it when i want to make out with her and stuff, i still almost never touch her unless we are already really close. now part if this is definitely me still trying to dig up all those feelings again and also going from friends to lovers is kinda weird, but its been going all rite. now if you have any tips for me in this area that would be great.

 

lastly, lately she has been asking me to ask her questions about the stuff we do together, and i have a hard time doing this. one more question she has asked me multiple times is "why do you like doing stuff with me" to which i have answered "because i like you and it feels good" and basically different variations of that. sometimes i get the feeling she wants me to say i love you, and even though i do love her, love is a strong word and i dont want to say it too early.

 

any tips, guidance, or comments would be really appreciated, thanks!

[SPT Rally USA]

i feel like alot of you probably have quite a bit of insight into what im dealing with here. i would really appreciate a reply

[SPT Rally USA]

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