blinded_27 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Hey everyone! It's been a while since I last updated and found a great opportunity to finally contribute to this section of the forum. Since joining, I hoped that I would come out of this strong enough to one day offer good advice to women/men here going through the same kind of pain and grief I went though. Unfortunately, I can't offer advice on coming out of this a stronger person. But I CAN offer advice, and a sneak peek, into what life would be like if you actually did end up with your MM/MW. Disclaimer: This isn't to say that the outcome would be the same for everyone, I know there have been a few posts here by OW who claim they are truly happy with their partner. But for the majority of us, the fact is you'd be ending up the type of person who has no problems lying, cheating, and catering to their own needs before anyone else's. So after months of tears, agony, and the most extreme hurt I could have ever imagined, we are finally together. (How twisted does that sound?) It's been about 2 months now. They have finally given up on each other, for marriage, and more recently, as friends. I have nothing to worry about now, right? She's out of his life, I have his full undivided attention, he's been sleeping at my place every single night since the day he came back to me, he's even talking about getting our own place together... sounds fantastic right! WRONG!!!! I wished and hoped for this to happen. I would have given anything. I DID give everything. I gave my dignity, I put my family through pain, I put my friends through hell from talking/crying their ears off about this, like many of you have I'm sure. Sure we have great times. Sure I love him! Yes, I love his company and I love that I don't have to spend another night without him, wondering if him and his wife are sleeping together. But after everything that's happened with us, the trust is gone, and it will never come back. I know he's not talking to her, I know he isn't at her place trying to fix things again... but I still worry ALL THE TIME. I drive him, and myself crazy some days because I lose my cool. If he doesn't answer a text message, my automatic reaction is to assume he's talking to her. If he's quiet or distant, I worry that he's thinking about her and regretting his decision. Even after the fact, I am constantly worrying, and emotionally exhausted. The worst part about all of this, is I haven't told my family. I'm ashamed, and so embarrassed. After running to them for comfort every time he left me (which was more times than I can count on my two hands) how could I possibly convince them that he's for real this time? He's getting frustrated at me because he told his family and is already planning a trip for us to visit them in his hometown this summer, but I refuse to tell them just yet. I'm catching myself lying to people about why I can't get together with them, I keep using the "I'm so busy with work" excuse... but it's starting to get old. It sounds crazy, but it's a natural reaction for me now to fear going out for a night without him. Because all that's running through my head is, "what if he does go see her? What if he calls her and they end up talking for a few hours and he finds himself confused again?". It's ridiculous, because this is not the kind of person I normally am in relationships. So for anyone struggling right now, I just want to let you know that even though it might look beautiful in your head, it probably won't be in real life. Believe me. I thought we were soul mates. I thought there was no other way, no other man that could make me this happy, that there was no other man in this whole entire world that I could have this kind of CRAZY sexual chemistry with (which, by the way, believe it or not DOES die down when you're with the person 24/7 lol)... When you finally have them, you're always worrying. About his ex, about whether he's going to find someone else, about what he's thinking, you monitor his every move because that's what we've been used to doing for so long. The anxiety is worse, and you have a whole new slew of problems you need to deal with. If I could go back to November, when he left me for her the first time, I would have told myself to suck it up and be happy he's gone and out of my life, had I known I'd be better off without him. I wish I was strong enough. I received such GREAT advice here from strong women and men who have gone through the same thing. But when that fog is over your eyes, it's like you feel your situation is unique and no one here could possibly understand the kind of pain you feel. So most advice goes in one ear and out the other, unfortunately. At the end of the day, I don't think him and I could last long term. Maybe if he had done this the right way, if he had left her before pursuing me and hadn't lied and cheated on BOTH of us numerous times, things might be different. Unfortunately that's not how things worked out. I hope someone will be able to take something from this. The hardest part when he left me was having this built up image about how wonderful life would be if we were together. "How could he not see that we were meant to be, he would be so much happier with me". I know that's what most OW/OM here think about from time to time. I just wanted to let people know that you could be setting yourself up for even more pain. It's better to just cut it off because you know it's wrong deep down, and just focus on yourself and finding someone who you can truly trust.
Hazyhead Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I can understand everything you say, Blinded. I only dipped my toe in, but the worry was certainly there. I had no trust in him and doubted so much of what he told me. Do you think it will ease over time? I'm concerned that you'll stay with him through obligation despite your doubts. It's ironic, isn't it? But trust, I suppose, is difficult to gain from someone who has shown himself capable of letting those he loves down. Does the good outweigh the bad? Maybe couples' counseling?
BB07 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 When I read your post blinded, the first thoughts that came into my head was how much of what you said sounds like what a BS says and feels after D-Day. I can't imagine that you can go on living in such a state of uncertainty and fear. Perhaps you both can attend some couples counseling to help clear things up and maybe someone can help you both decide if a relationship with all those issues is really feasible or healthy. I wish you all the best.
Amour7 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 So for anyone struggling right now, I just want to let you know that even though it might look beautiful in your head, it probably won't be in real life. Believe me. I thought we were soul mates. I thought there was no other way, no other man that could make me this happy, that there was no other man in this whole entire world that I could have this kind of CRAZY sexual chemistry with (which, by the way, believe it or not DOES die down when you're with the person 24/7 lol)... When you finally have them, you're always worrying. About his ex, about whether he's going to find someone else, about what he's thinking, you monitor his every move because that's what we've been used to doing for so long. The anxiety is worse, and you have a whole new slew of problems you need to deal with. Thank you for painting this vivid, real portrait of life with your MM. It is helpful for me to think about as I wonder what my relationship would be with my MM if he were to leave his marriage. I agree with BB and Hazyhead; couples' counseling might be really helpful. I would think any former APs who end up together in a non-affair relationship could benefit from counseling as they begin navigating a very different relationship. Do you feel, as his former OW, "bound" to stick with him since he left and ended up with you?
BB07 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Blinded, I went back and read your story. Hon.......I don't think you will ever have any peace of mind with this guy. He is just too messed up. He starts seeing you when he is engaged but doesn't tell you about, then he marries her and doesn't tell you about it. Then they separate and get back together more than once and there you are, the whole time. He has major, major issues and the longer you hang in there out of guilt or whatever twisted thing it is the more you are going to mess yourself up. I'm sorry it sounds harsh but I get the feeling that you are young and take it from someone who has learned things the hard way, things we do to ourselves in our youth can leave scars and wreck havoc many years later. IMO, the sooner you cut your losses.........the better off you will be. You are only responsible for YOURSELF.
Silly_Girl Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Hey everyone! It's been a while since I last updated and found a great opportunity to finally contribute to this section of the forum. Since joining, I hoped that I would come out of this strong enough to one day offer good advice to women/men here going through the same kind of pain and grief I went though. Unfortunately, I can't offer advice on coming out of this a stronger person. But I CAN offer advice, and a sneak peek, into what life would be like if you actually did end up with your MM/MW. Disclaimer: This isn't to say that the outcome would be the same for everyone, I know there have been a few posts here by OW who claim they are truly happy with their partner. But for the majority of us, the fact is you'd be ending up the type of person who has no problems lying, cheating, and catering to their own needs before anyone else's. So after months of tears, agony, and the most extreme hurt I could have ever imagined, we are finally together. (How twisted does that sound?) It's been about 2 months now. They have finally given up on each other, for marriage, and more recently, as friends. I have nothing to worry about now, right? She's out of his life, I have his full undivided attention, he's been sleeping at my place every single night since the day he came back to me, he's even talking about getting our own place together... sounds fantastic right! WRONG!!!! I wished and hoped for this to happen. I would have given anything. I DID give everything. I gave my dignity, I put my family through pain, I put my friends through hell from talking/crying their ears off about this, like many of you have I'm sure. Sure we have great times. Sure I love him! Yes, I love his company and I love that I don't have to spend another night without him, wondering if him and his wife are sleeping together. But after everything that's happened with us, the trust is gone, and it will never come back. I know he's not talking to her, I know he isn't at her place trying to fix things again... but I still worry ALL THE TIME. I drive him, and myself crazy some days because I lose my cool. If he doesn't answer a text message, my automatic reaction is to assume he's talking to her. If he's quiet or distant, I worry that he's thinking about her and regretting his decision. Even after the fact, I am constantly worrying, and emotionally exhausted. The worst part about all of this, is I haven't told my family. I'm ashamed, and so embarrassed. After running to them for comfort every time he left me (which was more times than I can count on my two hands) how could I possibly convince them that he's for real this time? He's getting frustrated at me because he told his family and is already planning a trip for us to visit them in his hometown this summer, but I refuse to tell them just yet. I'm catching myself lying to people about why I can't get together with them, I keep using the "I'm so busy with work" excuse... but it's starting to get old. It sounds crazy, but it's a natural reaction for me now to fear going out for a night without him. Because all that's running through my head is, "what if he does go see her? What if he calls her and they end up talking for a few hours and he finds himself confused again?". It's ridiculous, because this is not the kind of person I normally am in relationships. So for anyone struggling right now, I just want to let you know that even though it might look beautiful in your head, it probably won't be in real life. Believe me. I thought we were soul mates. I thought there was no other way, no other man that could make me this happy, that there was no other man in this whole entire world that I could have this kind of CRAZY sexual chemistry with (which, by the way, believe it or not DOES die down when you're with the person 24/7 lol)... When you finally have them, you're always worrying. About his ex, about whether he's going to find someone else, about what he's thinking, you monitor his every move because that's what we've been used to doing for so long. The anxiety is worse, and you have a whole new slew of problems you need to deal with. If I could go back to November, when he left me for her the first time, I would have told myself to suck it up and be happy he's gone and out of my life, had I known I'd be better off without him. I wish I was strong enough. I received such GREAT advice here from strong women and men who have gone through the same thing. But when that fog is over your eyes, it's like you feel your situation is unique and no one here could possibly understand the kind of pain you feel. So most advice goes in one ear and out the other, unfortunately. At the end of the day, I don't think him and I could last long term. Maybe if he had done this the right way, if he had left her before pursuing me and hadn't lied and cheated on BOTH of us numerous times, things might be different. Unfortunately that's not how things worked out. I hope someone will be able to take something from this. The hardest part when he left me was having this built up image about how wonderful life would be if we were together. "How could he not see that we were meant to be, he would be so much happier with me". I know that's what most OW/OM here think about from time to time. I just wanted to let people know that you could be setting yourself up for even more pain. It's better to just cut it off because you know it's wrong deep down, and just focus on yourself and finding someone who you can truly trust. Blinded, I am so sad for you. This doesn't reflect my personal experience at all. I have trust issues, thanks to the charming ex-Mr Silly. My BF was warned upfront what I needed to be happy with him, to accept him as a proper, full-time partner. I was pretty assertive about it. But luckily he has far and away exceeded my expectations/demands. You need a peaceful mind, hon. You can't live like that. It eats you up and stops you being a good You, in any capacity. I think you should consider whether you can have this cloud over you for the rest of your life. All the best.
whichwayisup Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Dont move in with him yet. You two need to establish a new dynamic and 'date', take it slowly, get to know eachother outside of the affair setting. Completely.. He still needs time to grieve the loss of his old life and marriage, and you two need to rebuild together, something new so he won't see you as "the one I left my wife for" and you need to learn to trust, otherwise it won't work out, even though you love him. You know this though.. Mino did an update not too long ago about her MM moving in.. it wasn't what she thought it was either. She now sees it all. Good, bad and the ugly, not just the fun and good times they shared in the past during the A. Bottomline is, if you are unhappy talk to him, sort this out together or end it. Don't feel obligated to stay because now you two are together. Sometimes things don't work out.
fooled once Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Hey everyone! It's been a while since I last updated and found a great opportunity to finally contribute to this section of the forum. Since joining, I hoped that I would come out of this strong enough to one day offer good advice to women/men here going through the same kind of pain and grief I went though. Unfortunately, I can't offer advice on coming out of this a stronger person. But I CAN offer advice, and a sneak peek, into what life would be like if you actually did end up with your MM/MW. Disclaimer: This isn't to say that the outcome would be the same for everyone, I know there have been a few posts here by OW who claim they are truly happy with their partner. But for the majority of us, the fact is you'd be ending up the type of person who has no problems lying, cheating, and catering to their own needs before anyone else's. So after months of tears, agony, and the most extreme hurt I could have ever imagined, we are finally together. (How twisted does that sound?) It's been about 2 months now. They have finally given up on each other, for marriage, and more recently, as friends. I have nothing to worry about now, right? She's out of his life, I have his full undivided attention, he's been sleeping at my place every single night since the day he came back to me, he's even talking about getting our own place together... sounds fantastic right! WRONG!!!! I wished and hoped for this to happen. I would have given anything. I DID give everything. I gave my dignity, I put my family through pain, I put my friends through hell from talking/crying their ears off about this, like many of you have I'm sure. Sure we have great times. Sure I love him! Yes, I love his company and I love that I don't have to spend another night without him, wondering if him and his wife are sleeping together. But after everything that's happened with us, the trust is gone, and it will never come back. I know he's not talking to her, I know he isn't at her place trying to fix things again... but I still worry ALL THE TIME. I drive him, and myself crazy some days because I lose my cool. If he doesn't answer a text message, my automatic reaction is to assume he's talking to her. If he's quiet or distant, I worry that he's thinking about her and regretting his decision. Even after the fact, I am constantly worrying, and emotionally exhausted. The worst part about all of this, is I haven't told my family. I'm ashamed, and so embarrassed. After running to them for comfort every time he left me (which was more times than I can count on my two hands) how could I possibly convince them that he's for real this time? He's getting frustrated at me because he told his family and is already planning a trip for us to visit them in his hometown this summer, but I refuse to tell them just yet. I'm catching myself lying to people about why I can't get together with them, I keep using the "I'm so busy with work" excuse... but it's starting to get old. It sounds crazy, but it's a natural reaction for me now to fear going out for a night without him. Because all that's running through my head is, "what if he does go see her? What if he calls her and they end up talking for a few hours and he finds himself confused again?". It's ridiculous, because this is not the kind of person I normally am in relationships. So for anyone struggling right now, I just want to let you know that even though it might look beautiful in your head, it probably won't be in real life. Believe me. I thought we were soul mates. I thought there was no other way, no other man that could make me this happy, that there was no other man in this whole entire world that I could have this kind of CRAZY sexual chemistry with (which, by the way, believe it or not DOES die down when you're with the person 24/7 lol)... When you finally have them, you're always worrying. About his ex, about whether he's going to find someone else, about what he's thinking, you monitor his every move because that's what we've been used to doing for so long. The anxiety is worse, and you have a whole new slew of problems you need to deal with. If I could go back to November, when he left me for her the first time, I would have told myself to suck it up and be happy he's gone and out of my life, had I known I'd be better off without him. I wish I was strong enough. I received such GREAT advice here from strong women and men who have gone through the same thing. But when that fog is over your eyes, it's like you feel your situation is unique and no one here could possibly understand the kind of pain you feel. So most advice goes in one ear and out the other, unfortunately. At the end of the day, I don't think him and I could last long term. Maybe if he had done this the right way, if he had left her before pursuing me and hadn't lied and cheated on BOTH of us numerous times, things might be different. Unfortunately that's not how things worked out. I hope someone will be able to take something from this. The hardest part when he left me was having this built up image about how wonderful life would be if we were together. "How could he not see that we were meant to be, he would be so much happier with me". I know that's what most OW/OM here think about from time to time. I just wanted to let people know that you could be setting yourself up for even more pain. It's better to just cut it off because you know it's wrong deep down, and just focus on yourself and finding someone who you can truly trust. Thank you for posting your update blinded. I am sure some will find fault with your view and make excuses. But you know what you are experiencing. I hope you can find some happiness and peace.
East7 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I agree with WWIU, I don't think that moving together with the MP, right after the divorce is a good thing. There is still too much emotional charge from both. It is like starting a new relationship. Being together 24/7 may kill the feelings and the chemistry once found during the A. As BB pointed, the trust issues are the same as the BS. How to trust someone who threw you under the bus? It takes time to rebuild it and be sure that the MP will not go back. I remember at some point I discussed with xMW a "possible future" together and my plan was 1/ she divorces then we date for 6-12 months to know each-other in a normal relationship 2/ both decide if we would move together.
lovingwhatis Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Blinded, I went back and read your story. Hon.......I don't think you will ever have any peace of mind with this guy. He is just too messed up. He starts seeing you when he is engaged but doesn't tell you about, then he marries her and doesn't tell you about it. Then they separate and get back together more than once and there you are, the whole time. He has major, major issues and the longer you hang in there out of guilt or whatever twisted thing it is the more you are going to mess yourself up. I'm sorry it sounds harsh but I get the feeling that you are young and take it from someone who has learned things the hard way, things we do to ourselves in our youth can leave scars and wreck havoc many years later. IMO, the sooner you cut your losses.........the better off you will be. You are only responsible for YOURSELF. Icompletely agree with the above post. Parteezover, lay off the sarcasm a little bit. Blinded, i cant imagine a life the way you described it. To have your adrenaline rise everytime he misses a text cannot be too good for your health. Actually, with what you've been through the past five months, your immune system is probably wondering when the heck you intend to cool down. Be kinder to yourself. Like bb said, dont assume that just because you are young you can easily handle all this craziness. I wish you well.
BB07 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I completely disagree with the above post. Blinded put a lot of effort into establishing this relationship. She has finally gotten the man she wants. It makes absolutely no sense whatsoever to dump him at this point. If he ends up cheating on her or lying to her again, so what? That's the kind of sexy bad boy that turns her on. That kind of bad behavior is what attracted her in the first place and kept her with him. She will never be happy if she dumps this guy and gets a safe, "beta" type of guy. She needs the adventure, risk and excitement of being in a relationship with a player. It's not very helpful to the Op for you to be dissing her relationship choices, please try to be more supportive. I suppose that was an effort to be sarcastic or be funny, right?
Flabbergaster Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I appreciate the experience you offer to those 'still in the trenches.' When I was at point to decide whether to let the A wind down or end the M... When i was honest with myself I couldn't think of A->M being an easy path. I knew therapy would be required, and didn't think either of us would EVER trust the other. And we both travel for business. The extensive joint intelligence operation that we used to run the affair would turn into separate counterintelligence operations to 'spy on the other.' I also couldn't help but think that 'real life' would be much less glamorous than 'affair land.' It's helpful for you to share reality, it helps me recover. I hope all works out well for you, or that you at least find peace. THANK you for sharing with all of us.
Emme Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Thank you Blinded for sharing your life with us. It's feedback that makes us all think no matter who reads it. I hope you and him can find bliss and one day these emotions won't stop you from living. Thank you again.
Author blinded_27 Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 Hey guys! Thanks for the replies. I'm on my cell so I can't give a lengthy reply right now, I'll try to respond to each post when I have some more time Just wanted to mention that I'm most definitely not complaining or seeking advice for my situation (although all thoughts an opinions are welcomed and appreciated ) I realize what I got into, the point of this post was to hopefully shed some light for those who are in the same place I was, imagining that life would be perfect with MM (despite the fact that you know what's in store when you get involved with an AP). It's that darn fog. And once it lifts, things finally start to make sense again.
JamieA Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Thank you for posting your update blinded. I am sure some will find fault with your view and make excuses. But you know what you are experiencing. I hope you can find some happiness and peace. Who is the "some" that you speak of?
JamieA Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Hey guys! Thanks for the replies. I'm on my cell so I can't give a lengthy reply right now, I'll try to respond to each post when I have some more time Just wanted to mention that I'm most definitely not complaining or seeking advice for my situation (although all thoughts an opinions are welcomed and appreciated ) I realize what I got into, the point of this post was to hopefully shed some light for those who are in the same place I was, imagining that life would be perfect with MM (despite the fact that you know what's in store when you get involved with an AP). It's that darn fog. And once it lifts, things finally start to make sense again. I'm glad things are making sense for you. You realize now that no relationship is perfect right? In fact, I think they would be boring if they were. Good to hear from you.
OWoman Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Blinded, I am sorry things are not working out for you as you'd hoped. It sounds as if you do not really see a future with this guy. If that is so, are you continuing to invest in the R in the hope that things may change for the better in the future, or are you just treading water until something better comes along? If you are continuing to invest, and do hope for some future together still, then I'd agree with others who've suggested some R counselling. Many - perhaps even most - fAPs who end up together do undergo R counselling and find it very helpful, if only to decide whether or not to stay in the R or to cut their losses and move on, which seems to be the position you're in, from what you describe. Whichever way you decide, I do hope you put yourself and your own needs first, and do not stay in any R that leaves you feeling dissatisfied or stressed or unable fully to enjoy your life and your R. Good luck
cuddlekeeper Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Thank you Blinded 27. You have confirmed what I keep telling myself and that is why I do not want my MM to leave his family. I know deep down that it would not work...I keep telling myself that the relationship is so much fun because we are not with each other 24/7. I lived and worked with my ex-husband 24/7 and it was a nightmare! I hope things work out for you and that you find the happiness that you deserve.
donnamaybe Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Who is the "some" that you speak of?They will reveal themselves.
Star_Bright Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 This is a sad story. I'm sorry to read it but thank you for sharing. I often felt that I could never trust exMM if we were to end up in an actual relationship. BUT I think I would have worked on it and at least tried very hard to trust him because I don't think a relationship is much of anything w/out trust. I know you said you don't want advice, but I would say, if you really can't trust him, leave, b/c otherwise it's an empty relationship. But if he has been being honest with you and hasn't done anything to breach the trust since it's been just you and him, well, at least try to give him the benefit of the doubt -- don't be ruled by fear, but lover. That is I'm assuming you loved certain things about him to be able to make it this far with him. I don't know the history so this is just my general advice. I'm sorry for your situation and hope it improves.
Roadlesstaken Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Thank you blinded 27 for posting and what you have said. I was married to a man who cheated on my and left me for his OW. He moved out of our house and into hers the same day. She was also married at the time and kicked her husband out two days before mine moved in. He has been gone now for over a year and our divorce has been finalized. I have moved on and have started dating. However, recently his girlfriend has been sending me e-mails telling me to "leave them alone". Well, the only time I contact him is when it pertains to our daughter. I don't flirt with my ex husband because I don't want him back because of everything that has gone on. I feel that she is very insecure in her relationship with him and doesn't trust him. He has lied to both of us. I told her that if she trusts him that is all that matters. She never once said to me that she trusts him or that he doesn't lie to her or that she loves him. She just says that they are going to get married. I really don't care what is going on between them, but I have a feeling that it isn't all bliss like they thought it would be. I even gave her my congratulations and wished her luck.
Jane Deaux Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Blinded, you should listen to the song by Adele, "One and Only".
Hazyhead Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Blinded, you should listen to the song by Adele, "One and Only". Oh, jeez, if there's an album to bring out ALL your emotions... Beautiful stuff.
Jane Deaux Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Oh, jeez, if there's an album to bring out ALL your emotions... Beautiful stuff. lol. She's my favorite artist. I adore her spirit and character that shines through in her interviews. My heart hurts for her listening to the pain in her music, on both albums, but most definitely 21. That whole album is my soundtrack to my life right now.
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