lovelyladyland Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Hi. My name is Katie. I've been dating and amazing man for about 2 months and things were going soooo well. Every date was absolutely great for both of us. Then there was a problem last week. I have an anxiety disorder (which he knew about) and it manifested in some insecurity. I tried to keep it from him,but I guess I couldn't and it made things odd between us. He sent me a message saying how much he liked me,but that he was just thinking things through before taking it to the next level, he wanted to do things right. I said fine, no pressure, I'm fine with things. Then he came over a couple days ago, the first time we saw each other since all this and it was weird. N ot as relaxed and comfortable as usual, but even then I thought if we could just go out have a couple drinks and have fun again like usual things would be fine.That wasn't to happen though. He broke up with me last night. Said last week was really weird and that he just didn't feel the same anymore. I just can not believe after all the super crazy chemistry we had (not just in bed) and after every single date we had being amazing for both of us, that he doesn't feel it anymore after one bad week! How could he forget it just like that?! He was the first really good guy Iv'e come across in years and I really thought this was on the way somewhere. My heart is shattered and I can't stop obsessing over every date we had together and the fact that I ruined it with my problem and insecurity. I can't stop thinking about it. I don't know what to do.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 You sound so sincere, and I would love to have been able to 'test' the same interaction had you not experienced the effects of your heightened anxiety resulting from merely telling him of your anxiety in the first place. That is to say that while it was perfectly RIGHT that you told him, I fear that the added pressure you put on yourSELF after having done so, may have somehow altered things. (if you want this in a clearer example, there is another thread on LS about a man complaining about his wife's weight. And he needs to pay some attention to what his wife's weight might drop to IF she didn't have the added anxiety caused by his complaining about her weight.) (no, you don't need to find that thread, but just contemplate how the added pressure you felt... is similar to what that wife must feel when her husband keep complaining about her) Anyway, it really seems like you did everything pretty close to "right", and this still happened. It is going to be difficult for you to look back and keep on believing that you went through all the motions suitably. Give yourself much more credit than you are likely to be doing. You participated, and you shared those feelings and experiences. Don't forget to allow for the chance that it really was "him" who was the problem, and who was perhaps not right for you. That must be soooooooooooooooo hard to believe right now - but it could be true!!
Author lovelyladyland Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 Thank you for replying. I don't relly have anyone to talk to about this. Telling him about the anxiety though is not the problem. I told him right away before our first date. I like to get that out of the way so people know what they're getting into i guess. Then the rest of it was so great. Maybe you are right though about him being some of the problem. I had one bad week with a condition I have. I told him that's what was going on. I thought he would be more understanding and not forget how amazing everything else was. He should have been. I do understand how unattractive insecurity can be though. It would have passed. Maybe he just thought that's how it was going to be from now on. It's just such a shame and I can't stop thinking about how it shouldn't have happened. It would be easier to get over if I had some bad parts of the relationship or signs to look back on,but it was great until this. Just not sure how to do this.
SincereOnlineGuy Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Wait, I think we're not quite 'connected' in thought here. I know you informed him in the beginning OF your anxiety issues. After that, though, when something was flaring-up, you expressed that something was amiss... and then he knew, and then you probably put additional pressures on yourself as the result of his knowing that something was amiss. So I was merely wishing we could know how things would have gone if you could have informed him of the "condition" and then not reacted, yourself, with heightened anxiety which may have resulted from having confided about the "condition". (think of your credit card company... if it was merely "19% interest" and you owed $1000, and were charged $190 per year, that would be one thing... but when it is compounded daily... then it is more. I just wish you could know your situation without the 'compounded' anxiety) Anyway, keep your thoughts open to all considerations, including those which very well may be "him" as the central deal-breaker.
Author lovelyladyland Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 Oh, i get what your saying now lol, but it wasn't till he came over for the last time a couple days ago that we talked about the anxiety being the reason for the weird week. You are right though, while the week was going on I knew that I must be acting in a way that was acting out my insecurities and anxiety,even though I was trying to hide it from him. He should have been more understanding and gave it another chance. I'm just so surprised that he could lose the feelings he had so fast because of this. I'd very much like to know to how things would have gone had i been able to hide my anxieties and not let them progress, or not had them at all. I wonder if I was normal if I could have a good relationship started. I curse the fact that this couldn't have at least happened later, when he was already settled and really committed to me. It wouldn't have been such a deal breaker ... maybe. Maybe he just can't handle relationships or reality in them, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I hate my apartment because everything has a memory on it. I wonder when I'll be able to function.
Thatguyintx Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 At the risk of being flamed on this thread, I think I can offer a bit of the other perspective from a similar situation. I was with a woman with deep insecurities that would manifest into highly-charged emotional anxiety attacks. They would happen sporadically (maybe once every 6-8 weeks). While she didn't like how she acted when going through one of these spells, she could tolerate it. I could not. The emotion level would go to 10 and stay there for the duration of the attack. She would become very clingy and needy and would analyze every action I took to mean that I was one foot out the door. I would be feel emotionally overwhelmed and smothered when she would get to this place. I can honestly say the feeling of being smothered and the highly emotional days were the reason I left the relationship. She needed someone that could deal with that level of emotion. That's not me. So, yes, it is him (if your situation is like mine). Maybe he, like me, just needs a lower level of anxiety and emotion. Thoughts?
Author lovelyladyland Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 Well i don't think it was a 10 on the scale of anxiety attacks and insecurity, and I certainly didn't let him on to the full extent,but I couldn't hide it fully. It was definitely enough though i guess. It wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for me. I ruined it. I'm just so tired of not being able to keep a relationship together. In the big picture I don't consider this bad enough to warrent the reaction,but then again I just want someone to understand that there is a really wonderful woman in here, that's worth the trouble. I don't think it will happen. I'm to tired of putting myself out there. I can't keep going through this.
Author lovelyladyland Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 I just really need someone to help me and tell how to get through this! I feel like the most wonderful guy I'll ever meet just left and it was so sudden. One day he was so into me and liked me so much now he's gone! I need to know how to get through this. Please. I'm completely shattered by it.
Thatguyintx Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 And it wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for him either. Don't lay the blame on you. He has a big part as well. I know I was just as responsible for the relationship as she was. I wanted so much to be able to get past these moments as much as she didn't want to have them. If I had been able to deal with it, we would still be together. You will find someone who is understanding and selfless that can love you just as you are. In the big picture known as "life", it may not be this guy. What happens inside you when you get the insecure feeling? How does this make you react?
Mcnulty Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Clinial route here...are you getting any help? IE counselling for your condition?
Author lovelyladyland Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 1st, I've had this for years and I'm on xanax. It helps not have attacks,but doesn't get rid of the anxiety. And what happens is I just get super insecure that he doesn't like me, I'm aware of everything he's doing and probably take it the wrong way. Like I said, I tried to deal with it and keep it from him,but I know it came out. It might have been ok if he asked me what was going on in the beginning and we talked about it. Oh well now.
Good Arms Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I'm so sorry for what you're going through. There seem to be some similarities between us... I have social anxiety, and issues with self-esteem. I went out with my ex - my first girlfriend - for around 2 months too, and just when things seemed to be at their best from my perspective, she started to act coldly (full story in sig) before dumping me, saying she doesn't feel the same anymore. She knew I had issues from the start, as I really panicked and tried to flake out before our first date (she asked me out) as I was so nervous. She gave me a second chance though, and while that meant things got off to an awkward start, she was so patient with me getting used to 'teenage' things I'd missed out on like kissing and cuddling that I was put at ease. I progressed so much with her, it needed a lot of effort on my part to get to a stage where I was relaxed in bed, and a lot of patience and understanding on hers (along the way I had some anxiety attacks related to performance anxiety, which led to me fearing she'd lose patience). I knew I wasn't the well rounded, outgoing boyfriend she'd been used to, but physical affection between us seemed to be getting better and better, and I didn't think I was taking her for granted. She was reassuring me I'm a 'keeper' only a week before the holiday where things quickly went wrong. Which is why it was so traumatic when she stopped being affectionate and gave me some harsh but true criticism. I think about the day she snapped at me every day, 4 months on, it's left me so psychologically scarred. I'm sure it was my insecurities that she picked up on that week - it was a new environment, and the first time I'd spent 24/7 with her. Anyway, sorry, I didn't mean to post so much about myself here, just got carried away. I've been obsessing like you that it was all my fault, that I should have somehow put my insecurities to the side, not let them get in the way. I know the obsessing over the good memories and the feeling of having your heart ripped apart. I think for you and me we felt we were still in the honeymoon period where everything seemed so intense and perfect - so it's such a shock when we find out the other person doesn't feel the same way. I know it's natural to (it's our lack of self-esteem talking) but please don't beat yourself up about this! You did nothing wrong. A wonderful LS-er named Graceful said that to me before, and it's something I like to repeat in my head when my mind goes crazy with guilt and shame. If he could walk away so easily, like my ex, then in time (maybe a LOT of time ) we'll appreciate that they weren't right for us anyway. I know right now he seems like the most perfect guy, but that's an illusion as he ended things when you were still very much in love. The same way he quit at the first sign of difficulty, if your relationship had continued his weaknesses and imperfections would have probably come to the fore eventually. You sound like such a nice person, and better at communicating than me - you were absolutely right to be open with him about your condition. Just because he wasn't a perfect match doesn't reflect on you. I know nothing can comfort you right now, but hang in there and just take it day by day.
Author lovelyladyland Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 Thank you so much for your story. It does help to know I'm not alone in my condition. I'm so sorry that happened to you too. It's crushing to think your not worth sticking in there for. I will try to take your advice and remember it wasn't my fault. I'll do my best to make that my mantra. Maybe if I say it enough I will start to believe it. Maybe his issues are as bad as mine in his own way so that he left so easy. I just wish I could stop thinking about him.
turokturok5 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 hey, seems like you, the guy a few posts above and i are kind of going through the same things! I dated a girl for 2 months and in the last week we had our first "issues" and the next time i saw her she dumped me saying "she didn't feel the same anymore." I was pretty insecure with our relationship, i would tell her things like "im lucky to have you" she would always tell me how sweet i was etc etc. Week before i was going to catch up with her, she suddenly said she'd only come if her friends could which kind of annoyed me, so it turned into a group gathering, where she didn't really pay much attention to me. I got drunk with my mates and started sending her texts asking why she wasn't talking to me and stuff which pissed her off, dumped me next time she saw me. Anyways the way i've been looking at it, is the fact that she made me feel a bit insecure by the way she acted, never wanting to do things alone, always wanting to do things in a group etc etc, i know your case is different but still. We DID probably lose them due to our insecurities, but like others have said it's not just our fault. Put yourself in their shoes, if you loved someone and they were worried about losing you, would you dump them? Them saying they don't want to lose you kind of points out that they really value your relationship and want to be with you, so why would you get rid of them? I guess the bottom line is, our partners didn't truly LOVE us if their feelings could be changed within a week. Sure insecurites are a big turn off, but in a relationship you're meant to try work our the problems and our partners ran for the hills as soon as a problem arose.
Good Arms Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I was pretty insecure with our relationship, i would tell her things like "im lucky to have you" she would always tell me how sweet i was etc etc. Sounds exactly like me before things went wrong! I texted something like "I'm really lucky to be able to spend the week with you" before we went away. She was always saying things about how sweet I was or whatever. Is what I texted considered normal by women, or is that a blatant sign of insecurity? I just thought it was a nice thing to say, but I have questioned it myself since, like maybe it's a sign of neediness. I'm so sick of analysing everything I did in the relationship... it just feels like there weren't enough answers as to why she could stop feeling the same so quickly. In your case I think it certainly wasn't all your fault. I mean unless we're arrogant and totally self-centred, we're mature enough to accept part of the responsibility in a relationship breakdown. You've obviously learned about yourself from this, which is ultimately positive. From what I gather it's almost always a two-way thing, or just other factors (eg. basic incompatibility) which cause them. Not just one person 'blowing it'. OK, you may have seemed insecure when she wasn't talking to you, but she should definitely have balanced the time with her friends better with alone time with you. Wanting to do things in a group all the time was bound to make you insecure, so in no way were things all your fault. I'm glad you can recognise that.
turokturok5 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Sounds exactly like me before things went wrong! I texted something like "I'm really lucky to be able to spend the week with you" before we went away. She was always saying things about how sweet I was or whatever. Is what I texted considered normal by women, or is that a blatant sign of insecurity? I just thought it was a nice thing to say, but I have questioned it myself since, like maybe it's a sign of neediness. I'm so sick of analysing everything I did in the relationship... it just feels like there weren't enough answers as to why she could stop feeling the same so quickly. In your case I think it certainly wasn't all your fault. I mean unless we're arrogant and totally self-centred, we're mature enough to accept part of the responsibility in a relationship breakdown. You've obviously learned about yourself from this, which is ultimately positive. From what I gather it's almost always a two-way thing, or just other factors (eg. basic incompatibility) which cause them. Not just one person 'blowing it'. OK, you may have seemed insecure when she wasn't talking to you, but she should definitely have balanced the time with her friends better with alone time with you. Wanting to do things in a group all the time was bound to make you insecure, so in no way were things all your fault. I'm glad you can recognise that. cheers yeah, i only say things like "im lucky to have you" because i thought it would make her know i really cared about her, i wasn't saying it because i thought she could do way better than me. Just with my previous girlfriend would say it to me and tell me that i was perfect, it made me feel really good about myself
Author lovelyladyland Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 That you both for your stories. I'm trying to keep in mind that I am a good woman and I was wonderful to him, but he couldn't handle that one part of me that wasn't fun and great all the time. Now I have to go through that process of deleting him from my facebook and phone. And mailing a book of his back to him. That is so f**cking hard. I can't stand this feeling.
Good Arms Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Deleting and blocking from Facebook is really hard, I agree. But you'll feel much better when you stop being able to see everything about him. I mean, not better as in healed, just one essential step towards healing.
depplover_1980 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Lovelyladyland - I have not seen you confirm whether you have recieved professional help for this yet? I can see you have been put on Xanac but it is a short term solution and anxiety disorders need approaching with CBT in order for you to devise coping methods and truly understand the deep rooted fears and issues. Once this has been established YOU WILL one day have a successful relationship, but until that day of self peace you will struggle.
jupyter_flew Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I just really need someone to help me and tell how to get through this! I feel like the most wonderful guy I'll ever meet just left and it was so sudden. One day he was so into me and liked me so much now he's gone! I need to know how to get through this. Please. I'm completely shattered by it. I'm experiencing the same thing as you and for the same reasons (anxiety/insecurity on my behalf). I figured he was already fed up with me, so what did I have to lose by mailing him a very heartfelt, sincere, and humble letter detailing how I knew I was wrong, detailed all the wonderful things about him, and gave a humble apology, adding that I hoped he would forgive me. I may never hear from him again, but I do have the ease of heart knowing that I gave it my all. I will say a prayer for you and for a forgiving spirit to come over your guy. It sounds like you are a wonderful person, and I wish you all the best.
NXS Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 That you both for your stories. I'm trying to keep in mind that I am a good woman and I was wonderful to him, but he couldn't handle that one part of me that wasn't fun and great all the time. Now I have to go through that process of deleting him from my facebook and phone. And mailing a book of his back to him. That is so f**cking hard. I can't stand this feeling. I had anxieties and phobias for 20 years, really kicked off when I was in my teens. I found a great self-help group called Recovery International which really helped me overcoming this by teaching techniques and self-discipline. Here's a link: http://www.lowselfhelpsystems.org/index.asp
Mixed28 Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Thank you so much for your story. It does help to know I'm not alone in my condition. I'm so sorry that happened to you too. It's crushing to think your not worth sticking in there for. I will try to take your advice and remember it wasn't my fault. I'll do my best to make that my mantra. Maybe if I say it enough I will start to believe it. Maybe his issues are as bad as mine in his own way so that he left so easy. I just wish I could stop thinking about him. Oh you are deffinately not the only one. My situation is extremely similar to GoodArms. We both had a 2 month relationship and 2 months after she broke with me she is with a new guy. I was SOOOOOO heartbroken she was my first real girlfriend. Also we both go to the same college which is small so I run into her every now and then. Totally know what your going through it sucks hard! But the pain will ease in time. Its been 4 months sence my breakup and it definately gets better.
MarA1210 Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 I am dealing with the 2nd month pains after a break up of my relationship with my (was fiance) now ex and I feel your pain. I have severe anxiety from PTSD and got years of help for it and there' always going to be a trace of it coming through. My ex brought up that I take medication and called me "psycho" for having a condition that I take meds and have been in therapy for for many years. Of course there's more to the story than that. But, I feel that the whole break up is harder to cope with due to my condition and the fact that it was eventually used to hurt me with...(like we don't suffer enough from it, right?) I, too, feel like my ex is the ONLY one I will love or ever love again. It's going on month 2 now and although the initial shock is over, I find it harder to cope than let's say the "average bear". I wish I had words of wisdom and advice to cure your broken heart. What I do have is total empathy and sympathy for your recent loss. It's very painful and it's hard to function and just "get over it"...and I wish it was! Hugs and lots of positive thoughts sent your way from here. You are not alone.
Author lovelyladyland Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 Thank you all sooo much. This is so f**cking hard to get through,but your words are helpful. Also I should say that I've tried to get counseling for this,but sad to say it didn't help much. I need to find a real therapist,but it's sort of hard to find in my area. I will definitely look. I need to get a hold of this in my relationships.
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