tabitha72 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I came across this website and hope that someone here can help me bring my friend back down to earth. I have read many threads here, and can't think of more worthy suggestions than from people who have posted their stories. Recently me and my friend Gina ran into a guy who we grew up with in the neighborhood. As far as I can recollect there was no dating between Gina and him, I can't even remember if they even liked each other. For some reason, with this 3 minute meeting on the street there seemed to be some sort of connection, and she told him to hit her up on facebook to catch up. He did, and they chatted, he said he was in a so-so marriage, kids, blah blah blah. They started talking on the phone, and next thing I know she's telling me she has developed feelings for him. Now she did show me some emails he sent her, and it seemed that he liked her too, but I'm not buying it.....that's just me. Anyway, I know they never went out, had sex, or anything like that, but she seems to have been sucked in by this guy. About a month or so ago, he sent her an email and said that as much as he really liked her, and as much as his marriage is so-so, he had no plans on divorcing and thought communication with Gina should stop, which as far as I can tell it has. I would think after getting this email she would have said "next"...but no. Although she doesn't bring him up in conversation as much as she used to, every now and then she'll say " i wonder if he still thinks about me, misses me, etc". She even seems to be under the impression that down the road he will contact her again, if his marriage ever dissolves. I have tried to set her up on dates, and she goes, and she seems to have fun, but I know her and I know she still is stuck on this guy. I don't know what to tell her anymore to make her understand - just let it go. I have been nice, i have been mean...no matter what I tell her she still seems to think he will be back. I can't get her head out of the clouds. I don't know if he will ever call her again, I don't know what will happen down the road, but nobody does. I'm just real tired of her holding out this secret hope that he will get in touch with her. How can I get her to snap out of it? Thanks for helping!!!
Hazyhead Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I'm not sure there's a lot you can do, this situation certainly looks simmering. Your friend sounds quite blinkered right now, which many are going into an affair - it doesn't suit to think too much about the reality of it all. Getting too involved might backfire on you: your friend could pull away from you or worse, if what you do involves his family. Have you shown your friend this board? So, so many sad stories and takes of heartbreak. Might make her think twice.
Author tabitha72 Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 Thanks for replying. I can't say if she wants to further involve herself or cause any trouble. She did say when she got his email she didn't reply and has not heard from him. She just seems to be stuck in this " I know eventually he will be back" phase. And as far as he is concerned, I have read some of his emails, and he never gave any kind of false hope or anything like that. To me it seems for him she was a fantasy, and a "what if i wasn't married" kind of thing. But I guess by him cutting contact it makes Gina constantly think " does he think about me, etc". I kind of tell her "out of sight out of mind" but I can't get her to give this up. I don't want to be mean and say he will never call her again, I think he probably won't, but who really knows? I just don't want her to sabotage any future relationships with someone by holding on to this guy contacting her again.
Amour7 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Unfortunately, Tabitha, you can't "fix" your friend. It is sweet that you want to help her and she is fortunate to have you in her corner. However, people aren't easily convinced by others to move on unless they are ready to. Be a good listener, ask her thoughtful questions, and offer insights if she seems open to hearing them. That's about all you can do, in my opinion. Welcome to this forum
Emme Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 You are a great friend and she is lucky to have you. It has to be up to her to fix the problem. All you can do is be there when the situation gets worse, if it does. I want you to maybe bring her to the site, if you can. Just look at love shack when she's around and tell he some of the stories you've read. The outcomes are somewhat the same but just to show her what and where these relationships can go. You can try that. Good luck to you and still be there for her.
lday Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 we can't fix our friends, spouse, lovers, siblings, parents, colleagues, children doesn't work that way and most times we can hardly fix ourselves
Jane Deaux Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 we can't fix our friends, spouse, lovers, siblings, parents, colleagues, children doesn't work that way and most times we can hardly fix ourselves I made a very similar statement to this this weekend. We can't be worried about keeping others lives straight, solving their mentality problems, or "fix anyone". All we can do is be there for them and listen when they talk and offer advice. But one of the best things I've found is to "talk it out" with them. This is best achieved by letting them talk and asking them pointed questions that they may or may not have considered for themselves. i.e. "what do you want the outcome of this to be in say, 6 months?" Just get her to talking so she can really think of what she really wants and what this will end up doing to everyone in the end. Because with this type of thing, there is hurt in the end, no matter what. Someone gets hurt. That's inevitable. Her AND/OR the wife. The kids. They guy. Most likely everyone will hurt in some way or another.
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