Cee Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I think the fastest solution is to refuse to share a bed with her until she decides she is ready to be freely sexual with you. I think if she is denied the cuddling and sleeping with you for a week or two, she will become quite certain what she really wants. And she'll either drop the sex games or she'll realize that she's not ready for an adult relationship. Be firm. Explain that bed sharing and sex go hand in hand. You won't do one without the other. I think this approach will shock her back to reality. You two aren't playing house - this is a real life relationship.
elastica Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I think it is a perfectly valid reason to break up. In a serious long term relationship, or marriage, where one person is going through a down cycle (health issues, depression, etc.) such an ultimatum wouldn't seem right. But that doesn't seem to be the case here. For women it would be like the guy refuses to cuddle with the woman. Would you want a relationship like that? Yes OliveOyl, it seems the case is different and I missed some information. But to answer your question, if my BF wouldn't want to cuddle, I would under no circumstances ask him to cuddle. And I would definitely not tell him to cuddle or I will break up with him. As weird as it sounds. My BF actually doesn't really like to cuddle. And what's the point asking him to do something that isn't natural to him? I just let him be the way he is, and show his affection the way he wants to.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Sky, it's unlikely that this will end well. It seems you have a good understanding of what's happening here: when she wants sex, its game on; when you want sex, its game over. I don't think you need to dissect this issue anymore than you already have, my friend. The core question here is "are you cool with having sex only when she wants it?" If yes, then yield to her will and carry on, purse in hand. If no, tell her that this is a deal breaker and act accordingly. You should really have more self respect for yourself, my friend.
Author youngskywalker Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 The core question here is "are you cool with having sex only when she wants it?" The answer is absolutely not. But, I am cool with not having sex period. As long as she has to abstain when she feels horny too. Which means no getting on top of me and grinding me with clothes on either. I know she's able to reach sexual satisfaction in ways other than intercourse but myself- not so much. It makes me feel used and that's going to stop. In fact she just called me tonight to invite me over tomorrow to spend the night. I'd enjoy a non-sexual romantic evening but I'm not going to let her use me and leave me hanging. Cheers. And yeah, most importantly we'll talk about it. Hopefully we can come to a mutual understanding and then go from there.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 The answer is absolutely not. But... See, you were on the right track, then you said "But..." and continued. There really is no but. You said, absolutely not; that's the end of it - or at least it should be, IMO. If something is absolute, it is just that, absolute. There is no but... Anything you suggest after the "But" is merely your willingness to compromise with something you feel is absolutely not acceptable. Don't you see the break down?
Author youngskywalker Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 Don't you see the break down? Not really because she's going to have to meet me half way on it. I'm cutting her off from some of the things she likes in order for it to be fair to both of us and make it work. If I was only looking for a g/f then yes I would dump her. I'm looking for marriage/family type stuff. I think it's worth giving it a shot for a few months and see how things pan out. You might be right in the end... we'll see. I'm not against abstaining. Maybe it will be great for building an emotional bond. It also has a side benefit of not having an unwanted pregnancy.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 (edited) Not really because she's going to have to meet me half way on it. I'm cutting her off from some of the things she likes in order for it to be fair to both of us and make it work. If I was only looking for a g/f then yes I would dump her. I'm looking for marriage/family type stuff. I think it's worth giving it a shot for a few months and see how things pan out. You might be right in the end... we'll see. I'm not against abstaining. Maybe it will be great for building an emotional bond. It also has a side benefit of not having an unwanted pregnancy. I wish you luck, but I strongly disagree that trying to mash a square peg through a star shaped hole qualifies as making anything work... Regarding the bolded part above, and with all due respect, you nor she can cut anybody off from things they like. Is it your plan to police her 24/7 to ensure that she's not getting what you cut her off from elsewhere? People do what they like regardless of who says otherwise - it's primal. Regarding the underlined part, please BEWARE. I believe my post is 10X more relevant if you're considering marrying someone you're already considering compromising with on something as paramount as sex. Regarding your final paragraph, you're rationalizing in a HUGE way. You already admitted earlier that a relationship without sex when YOU want it is absolutely not for you. But look at you now... You've changed your tune (in under an hour) to accepting such a scenario as a possible opportunity to become emotionally closer and a praiseworthy method of birth control... DUDE... REALLY??! Edited March 21, 2011 by ConflictedGuy27
spice4life Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Youngskywalker, I think there is more to the story than you are telling. where a woman is concerned I can only see one of the following scenarios: 1. She is not that into you 2. She had sex too early with you and likes you and wants to push things in a different direction. Strange, but can happen. 3. One of the two of you is involved in a committed relationship elsewhere. In the end, if she doesn't want to have sex with you then that's it...let it go. You have no right to force the issue. I think there is more to the story than you are telling. That is why it's too hard to give you the right advice.
OliveOyl Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 If I was only looking for a g/f then yes I would dump her. I'm looking for marriage/family type stuff. Whoa, whoa, hold on... This may not seem important now, but go look at the many many "sexless marriage" threads and you'll realize it is a very important component of marriage/family. Not so much whether you have sex or not before marriage, but how you both deal with sexual issues and whether one person uses it as a way to have power and/or dominance in the relationship or if you have vastly different attitudes/desires about sex in general. This IS marriage/family stuff.
Emilia Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 she is trying to force your hand to marry her. the next trick will be her getting pregnant 'by accident'
dreamingoftigers Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Whoa whoa whoa, jeez, negative much people. I went through this conundrum when younger. I was an early Mormon dating another Mormon. We didn't go all the way but we both felt guilty for what we were doing and often tried to stop. Yes we would cut each other off and encourage each other's strength. We both wanted to live to higher standards. I truly think this girl probably does want the standard but also wants the affection. We may have primal urges, but sometimes we differ on what to do about them.
phineas Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Whoa whoa whoa, jeez, negative much people. I went through this conundrum when younger. I was an early Mormon dating another Mormon. We didn't go all the way but we both felt guilty for what we were doing and often tried to stop. Yes we would cut each other off and encourage each other's strength. We both wanted to live to higher standards. I truly think this girl probably does want the standard but also wants the affection. We may have primal urges, but sometimes we differ on what to do about them. Well, OP isn't mormon. And what you said would make his GF a very selfish person if as OP stated she is using him to grind on for sexual satisfaction then leaving him with the boner of doom while in bed next to her because she doesn't want to have "sex". Either OP is leaving something out or his GF is trying to force his hand in marriage. I'd be careful of her getting pregnant in a one of her times of weakness. And honestly, 25 is way too early to get married. Especially to someone as manipulative as the OP's girl.
Author youngskywalker Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 1. She is not that into you 2. She had sex too early with you and likes you and wants to push things in a different direction. Strange, but can happen. 3. One of the two of you is involved in a committed relationship elsewhere. In the end, if she doesn't want to have sex with you then that's it...let it go. You have no right to force the issue. I think there is more to the story than you are telling. That is why it's too hard to give you the right advice. #1 and 3 you can cross out but can you elaborate on #2?
Author youngskywalker Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 if you don't put your foot down & stand up, you're gonna get dumped, Sky. this is textbook stuff. if she has another guy she's testing the waters with, I'd go all in on the "60 days till she drops the hammer" bet. You really like busting my chops lol
Author youngskywalker Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 Quite a wide variety of opinions. Thanks to all. No, we are not Mormon but Catholic. To keep things on track lets just assume that it's true she has feelings of guilt because of religious reasons. I understand where she is coming from because I had the same standards ingrained in me early on but I'm more liberated when it comes to sex. Nuff said. So now what? My hands are tied. I'm willing to go the no sex route on her behalf but I can't help but wonder why she humped me like a bunny for two months and then stopped. Like I said, her excuse was because she really likes me and wants this to work. Which makes valid the point she might be trying to force my hand at marriage. It bothers me that she pushed past her beliefs early on only to back peddle later. A person should know themselves a little better than that and not share something like sex and then say... "ha! just kidding" So the question is now what? I don't want to give her the upper hand of control like she can just have whatever SHE wants but in this case what can I do? I'm not going to tell her she has to have sex with me. That's not an option because she'll just resent me. Ever have sex with a girl who doesn't really want to have sex? You may as well go hump the couch. I've come to the conclusion this isn't going to be resolved with one discussion. It's going to take time and we'll just have to try to work through it. Again, it's not the sex, it's that I think she either was unfair, manipulative, or disrespectful to me. Something like that. IDK, my emotions are running high right now.
carhill Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 My apologies if you covered this elsewhere..... what has her sexual experience been with the past five partners? Also, how does she view sex in a relationship? I presume you and she have talked about this. Example: I view sex as an intimate expression of love and reserve it for committed relationships. With this perspective, in part the result of being active in the Catholic church and being educated in its schools, I waited much longer than most 'normal' men to become sexually active and haven't had a significant number of partners. My exW and I didn't make love for a few months after we started dating, until we were in a committed and apparently loving relationship. If you had asked me the question above, this would be my answer. What does this young lady say? Then, how do her actions match up with her words? To me, this dynamic is separate from boundaries, which are healthy to have. This is a learning experience which can help you greatly in the future. Mine it
Author youngskywalker Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 My apologies if you covered this elsewhere..... what has her sexual experience been with the past five partners? Also, how does she view sex in a relationship? I presume you and she have talked about this. Example: I view sex as an intimate expression of love and reserve it for committed relationships. With this perspective, in part the result of being active in the Catholic church and being educated in its schools, I waited much longer than most 'normal' men to become sexually active and haven't had a significant number of partners. My exW and I didn't make love for a few months after we started dating, until we were in a committed and apparently loving relationship. If you had asked me the question above, this would be my answer. What does this young lady say? Then, how do her actions match up with her words? To me, this dynamic is separate from boundaries, which are healthy to have. This is a learning experience which can help you greatly in the future. Mine it She has never had a long term relationship that was 'healthy'. One of them was friends with benefits. Another was over a year but the guy was a complete loser. Then everything else in between. When we discussed sex before we did it we both agreed it's 'best' to wait but in reality we knew it was going to happen anyway. I told her I'm open to sex and could handle it. I figured she could handle it too because she wasn't a virgin and knew what she was getting into. I can't say we have directly discussed what sex means to us in a dynamic way. We just had fun with it. TBH, if it's even possible, I get the feeling when we first met I was just another guy she was going to date and bang for a couple of months. But, as it turns out I think she really started to like me. I'm 30, dated many girls, and although I understand that some of the posters in here would say it's not true, I believe she adores me. I just want to approach this in a way that will allow our relationship to keep going forward, with our without sex.
carhill Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I can't say we have directly discussed what sex means to us in a dynamic way. We just had fun with it. Given the topic of the thread and your perspective, I'd say now is a great time to discuss it. You're a mature man at 30 and she's not a shy and retiring virgin.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Oh she wasn't a virgin or anything.... and even had a FWB Yeah, that's odd.
sumdude Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 This might be a good time to take a little step beck from the relationship and see what happens. Don't dump her or anything drastic, just be a little less available and open. See how she reacts. You might get some answers this way. In my relationship with my ex wife she tried to explain to me that I wasn't a challenge anymore and she lost some of her desire for me. Of course she was also a bit bat**** but the point was true.
GooseChaser Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 here's a solution: be with your gf & honor her decision to curtail having sex with you; meanwhile, have sex with other women. I mean this honestly. if you care for her, do not lie about it. just inform her of the adjustment you'll be making to accommodate what changed - that way you won't be cheating on her. you could be with the woman you care for & have sex too. think it over. Yeah, that will go real well...
Author youngskywalker Posted April 7, 2011 Author Posted April 7, 2011 I thought I would give a little update on the situation. We talked. She told me she had sex with me right away because of many past relationships with men who would leave unless she gave them sex. Now she likes me and wants things to work out. Somehow that translates into not having sex. For the record we have had sex a few times since the OP. But it's always and only when she wants it. If she can resist I simply get turned down. If she can't resist then she makes me have sex. Go figure. It's starting to wear on me to be honest. I think it's a dirty little trick that she pulled. Now she's even mentioning how if we are ever married she'll do me every day. Yeah right. Doesn't every girl say that? I'm thinking about moving this relationship into the platonic category.
carhill Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 Sounds like your sexual styles are different. What I'm hearing from her is that she sees sex as something she 'gives' men. 'Why do you want to have sex/make love with me?'
USCGAviator Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I thought I would give a little update on the situation. We talked. She told me she had sex with me right away because of many past relationships with men who would leave unless she gave them sex. Now she likes me and wants things to work out. Somehow that translates into not having sex. For the record we have had sex a few times since the OP. But it's always and only when she wants it. If she can resist I simply get turned down. If she can't resist then she makes me have sex. Go figure. It's starting to wear on me to be honest. I think it's a dirty little trick that she pulled. Now she's even mentioning how if we are ever married she'll do me every day. Yeah right. Doesn't every girl say that? I'm thinking about moving this relationship into the platonic category. All I see is a woman using sex to gain control of her relationship. I see 2 ways to handle this. Chalk this girl or use your pimp instinct to make her unable to control her desires for you.
welikeincrowds Posted April 7, 2011 Posted April 7, 2011 I'm sorry you have to deal with this, man. This situation sounds like ****ing bull****.
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