I've been cut off... now what?

[youngskywalker]

So I've been dating this girl seriously for about three months. We had sex on the 5th date and for the first two months had sex often. I like her and she says she really likes me.

 

Over the past month she's been expressing some feelings of guilt with having sex. Now it's come to the point where the sex has stopped. We still see each other, have a great time, get along fine and do kiss.

 

I'm having a hard time not feeling like I'm being friend zoned or something here. It seems a little unfair that she started off being willing to have sex only to cut it off once we started getting serious. I went with it because well, what can you do? Can't make the girl do something she doesn't want to do.

 

Now this is the crazy part that I'm really not sure what to do about. Get this, she still wants me to sleep the night with her in her bed but with no making out. I mean really? What guy is going to want to put himself through that kind of torture? So I'm thinking about telling her I'm not going to sleep the night with her unless she's willing to let things go naturally.

 

So am I missing something in this whole situation? What's going on?

 

It's a serious blow to the ego when a girl you've been having sex with tells you no more.

Edited March 20, 2011 by youngskywalker

[Crazy Magnet]

Did she say where the guilt was coming from? Religion? Family pressure? I had friends who went through this when we were younger (late teens and early 20s) when we were first starting to have serious relationships with sex. Some of my friends actually stopped having sex within relationships they had already had sex in.

 

I think this would be a great opportunity to learn more about her as a person. Ask her where the guilt comes from. Find out how she was raised, how she thinks, feels, etc. And then, actually listen to her answers. Really try to understand where she is coming from. Guilt is a powerful emotion. If you care for her you won't want her to feel terrible about herself and by listening to her you can possibly help her work through some of the guilt. Ask if there's anything you can do to make her feel better about the whole thing.

 

After you're done listening to her, then ask her to listen to what you think and feel and explain it to her. Hopefully you will both be able to see the other person's viewpoint and be able to reach an understanding.

[youngskywalker]

Religious and moral values. We've talked about it.

 

I'm perfectly fine with stopping sex... I mean, I'll get over it. But what about the part of sleeping together? We've tried it before and it hasn't worked out too well. One or the other will always break down. For me it's a little hard to sleep with a girl in her bra and underwear all night long. If she doesn't want to have sex then it has to stop at the beginning.

 

Guess we'll just have to talk about it more. Thanks for your reply. It's nice to know that's you've met people who stopped having sex but were able to continue the relationship.

[carhill]

Why do you have sex?

[youngskywalker]

Why do you have sex?

 

-Satisfy sexual desire... both of ours.

 

-To build closeness in a relationship (if it even works that way)

 

What do you wish it get at?

[carhill]

Does her unilateral and voluntary cessation of sex match up with your philosophy of what a healthy relationship is and how sex plays a role in that health? Why or why not?

 

What I'm getting at is clarity and acceptance.

 

With that established, you can decide if this change in your relationship is honestly acceptable and compatible.

 

Tell me, as this is a substantial change in any intimate relationship, what is her bend and what words and/or actions has she displayed to show her care and empathy for you during this time?

[Crazy Magnet]

Religious and moral values. We've talked about it.

 

I'm perfectly fine with stopping sex... I mean, I'll get over it. But what about the part of sleeping together? We've tried it before and it hasn't worked out too well. One or the other will always break down. For me it's a little hard to sleep with a girl in her bra and underwear all night long. If she doesn't want to have sex then it has to stop at the beginning.

 

Guess we'll just have to talk about it more. Thanks for your reply. It's nice to know that's you've met people who stopped having sex but were able to continue the relationship.

 

Actually two couples I know who stopped having sex for religious reasons ended up getting married.

 

Perhaps she needs to wear more to bed, like a granny Mumu nightgown with some nasty granny panties.

 

It sounds like she's also perpetuating her own cycle here by breaking down which can't be helping her guilt any. It shouldn't be totally up to you to keep things from happening in bed, she's got to decide to stick with her own boundaries.

[ConflictedGuy27]

Skywalker, she's testing you - i.e. giving you crap...

 

you should not tolerate this, and the more you do it, the less seriously she'll take you when you stand up to her later and break up.

 

she says she likes you, is still getting HER needs met from you while you're left out in the cold because she changed her mind... that's what I just read.

 

this should be about those hard & fast rules you set for yourself & live your life by, not about her necessarily.

 

you asked what do you do now? you need to do some self reflection and figure out what the rules for you are, regarding women & relationships.

 

some of mine are:

 

I refuse to take a woman's BS;

I refuse to argue;

I refuse to be in a sexless relationship; &

I refuse to compromise on anything I deem substantial.

 

I had to do some soul searching before I settled on my rules. but let me tell you, once you establish yours, you live by them and you INFORM (in a cool & calm way) what you will be doing, because her rule set changed.

 

if I were you and we both shared the rule that we want sex in our relationships with women, this is what I would do:

 

invite her to a coffee shop.

get there early.

get your beverage & have a seat before she arrives.

do not order her one.

be cool & calm.

inform her that things aren't working out.

inform her how you're GOING to proceed: "sex in my relationships is something I will not do without. From here on, I'll be going out more often with the guys, and I'll eventually connect with someone that's more on my wavelength. I liked you, but it's not working out."

 

leave shortly thereafter...

 

go LC. and do what you say you're going to do. I guarantee she'll break in no time; however, breaking her shouldn't be the point. the point is you living by the rules you set for you.

 

I don't know about you Skywalker, but I've worked too hard to get to this point in my life to waste time with/have my needs marginalized by some chick who suddenly changes her mind on a whim.

 

that's some BS test & you need to stop even entertaining the idea.

 

TRUST ME, she will respect you for it & and when her little girlfriends find out you just blasted her, you'll become sexy to them (but that's a whole different topic).

[Crazy Magnet]

Skywalker, she's testing you - i.e. giving you crap...

 

you should not tolerate this, and the more you do it, the less seriously she'll take you when you stand up to her later and break up.

 

she says she likes you, is still getting HER needs met from you while you're left out in the cold because she changed her mind... that's what I just read.

 

this should be about those hard & fast rules you set for yourself & live your life by, not about her necessarily.

 

you asked what do you do now? you need to do some self reflection and figure out what the rules for you are, regarding women & relationships.

 

some of mine are:

 

I refuse to take a woman's BS;

I refuse to argue;

I refuse to be in a sexless relationship; &

I refuse to compromise on anything I deem substantial.

 

I had to do some soul searching before I settled on my rules. but let me tell you, once you establish yours, you live by them and you INFORM (in a cool & calm way) what you will be doing, because her rule set changed.

 

if I were you and we both shared the rule that we want sex in our relationships with women, this is what I would do:

 

invite her to a coffee shop.

get there early.

get your beverage & have a seat before she arrives.

do not order her one.

be cool & calm.

inform her that things aren't working out.

inform her how you're GOING to proceed: "sex in my relationships is something I will not do without. From here on, I'll be going out more often with the guys, and I'll eventually connect with someone that's more on my wavelength. I liked you, but it's not working out."

 

leave shortly thereafter...

 

go LC. and do what you say you're going to do. I guarantee she'll break in no time; however, breaking her shouldn't be the point. the point is you living by the rules you set for you.

 

I don't know about you Skywalker, but I've worked too hard to get to this point in my life to waste time with/have my needs marginalized by some chick who suddenly changes her mind on a whim.

 

that's some BS test & you need to stop even entertaining the idea.

 

TRUST ME, she will respect you for it & and when her little girlfriends find out you just blasted her, you'll become sexy to them (but that's a whole different topic).

 

Only if she's mental.

 

The rest of us normal ones would walk away and never look back. My friends wouldn't have anything to do with a guy like that either. She's struggling to find out who she is right now and what her boundaries are. Why on earth would you kick somebody when they are already down?

[spice4life]

So I've been dating this girl seriously for about three months. We had sex on the 5th date and for the first two months had sex often. I like her and she says she really likes me.

 

Over the past month she's been expressing some feelings of guilt with having sex. Now it's come to the point where the sex has stopped. We still see each other, have a great time, get along fine and do kiss.

 

I'm having a hard time not feeling like I'm being friend zoned or something here. It seems a little unfair that she started off being willing to have sex only to cut it off once we started getting serious. I went with it because well, what can you do? Can't make the girl do something she doesn't want to do.

 

Now this is the crazy part that I'm really not sure what to do about. Get this, she still wants me to sleep the night with her in her bed but with no making out. I mean really? What guy is going to want to put himself through that kind of torture? So I'm thinking about telling her I'm not going to sleep the night with her unless she's willing to let things go naturally.

 

So am I missing something in this whole situation? What's going on?

 

It's a serious blow to the ego when a girl you've been having sex with tells you no more.

 

I hate to be blunt, but this woman doesn't have a romantic or sexual interest in you anymore. If she did, then you would be having sex. Once a woman stops having sex with a guy she is no longer interested in him in that way. She is still around because she may feel guilty and/or wants you to be in her life as a friend or is afraid of hurting you.

 

I would end it and move on if I were you. I kept a guy in my life for the reasons I listed above until I realized it was wrong, I was stringing him along and giving him hope. After I realized that, I did the right thing and broke it off. However, I did revisit a relationship with him two years later, it still wasn't working for me, so I broke it off permanently.

 

Cut your losses now dude and break it off with her and move on.

[youngskywalker]

With that established, you can decide if this change in your relationship is honestly acceptable and compatible.

 

Tell me, as this is a substantial change in any intimate relationship, what is her bend and what words and/or actions has she displayed to show her care and empathy for you during this time?

 

She said it's because she likes me so much that she doesn't want to ruin the relationship. Go figure.

 

It is a substantial change. I want to work through this but I get mixed signals. She'll say she doesn't want to do it and then 3 days later she rips my clothes off and bangs me.

 

I feel like it's become "we can have sex when 'she' wants it". Then when we do have sex I'm the bad guy. I went through a very similar relationship a few years ago. Now with this new one I told her that I'm not going to do the 'hot and cold' thing with regard to sex. We're either in a sexual relationship or we are not. Just hasn't been working out so smoothly.

 

I'm to the point now that come hell or high water I'm not going to have sex with her unless she can stabilize her emotions.

[youngskywalker]

I hate to be blunt, but this woman doesn't have a romantic or sexual interest in you anymore. If she did, then you would be having sex. Once a woman stops having sex with a guy she is no longer interested in him in that way. She is still around because she may feel guilty and/or wants you to be in her life as a friend or is afraid of hurting you.

 

I would end it and move on if I were you. I kept a guy in my life for the reasons I listed above until I realized it was wrong, I was stringing him along and giving him hope. After I realized that, I did the right thing and broke it off. However, I did revisit a relationship with him two years later, it still wasn't working for me, so I broke it off permanently.

 

Cut your losses now dude and break it off with her and move on.

 

Yes, but what was the reason you lost sexual interest in him? I think the context of my situation might be different. But, you do have a good point. That is why in my OP I asked if I was being friend zoned or something.

[elastica]

So I'm thinking about telling her I'm not going to sleep the night with her unless she's willing to let things go naturally.

 

So am I missing something in this whole situation? What's going on?

 

It's a serious blow to the ego when a girl you've been having sex with tells you no more.

 

Please don't do this. If you care for her, ask her what is going on. Tell her that whatever it is, you will not push her and/or force her to have sex with you. Because frankly, what you say above is a mild form of threatening. It's like, if you don't have sex with me, we will break up. You don't want her to have sex with you if she doesn't really want to. Right?

 

Let me just quickly add that you being hurt and confused by the situation is totally understandable.

 

I am only trying to say that you need to come up with a better solution than the above. Don't give her ultimatums. Perhaps she is going through some difficulties in her life she is embarrassed to talk to you about. Because just like men, women can have hard times in their lives. I mean, it could even happen to you one day too. Oh, and don't forget that hormonal changes also affect women's desire. Did she start to take pills recently?

 

Trust me, if you try to talk to her about this, while showing her you care, she will respect you more and feel closer to you. But if you decide to do it, please don't start with your problem (lack of sex). She is the one who has a problem this time now, not you.

 

Also, if the problem is caused by her lack of sexual interest, it can be revealed by a conversation like this. Just remember that there a lot of things that lead to people not wanting sex, like I said above, it can be stress, hormonal changes, depression etc.

[carhill]

There's likely someone else in the picture. How old is she?

[spice4life]

Yes, but what was the reason you lost sexual interest in him? I think the context of my situation might be different. But, you do have a good point. That is why in my OP I asked if I was being friend zoned or something.

 

That could be true, since you just posted that she is still having sex with you. Your initial post makes it sound like she has cut you off completely. In my situation, I wasn't romantically interested in the guy anymore, but was afraid to hurt him. I now know that is wrong. However, if you have extenuating circumstances, this might not be the case. It could be that she wants you to like her for who she is and not just as a sexual object. What is going on in your relationship that may have her feeling this way?

 

It's a good sign that she is tearing off your clothes and having sex with you anyway...lol. That means she is still very interested in you. However, there is something else going on in your relationship that is making her feel insecure about how you really feel about her as a person. Take a look at that and talk to her about it.

[elastica]

Skywalker, I also had the impression that you two were not having sex at all anymore. So, do you still have sex with her?

[heartshaped]

Religious and moral values. We've talked about it.

 

I'm guessing you don't share these religious and moral values, correct?

 

I don't think what's going on here is so complicated. She has values, feels having sex is going against said values, but she also has desires, at times, gives into those desires, but then, feels guilty about it later. So to cut out her feelings of guilt she wants to cut out the sex.

 

This is what you need to do; make her pick a position on this issue and stick to it. Either she wants to and is okay having sex with you or she isn't. If certain things are counterproductive to the two of you not having sex, i.e. sleeping in the same bed together, and you two decide not to have sex, then, don't do those things. If you do then have sex even if she initiates, eventually, she'll place the blame of her actions on you and she'll end things because she'll feel it's because of you she's doing things that go against her beliefs.

[youngskywalker]

There's likely someone else in the picture. How old is she?

 

She's 25

 

She says the issues of guilt come from not being married. I think there's a little B.S. in that because I'm her fifth partner. But oh well, people can change.

[youngskywalker]

I'm guessing you don't share these religious and moral values, correct?

 

I don't think what's going on here is so complicated. She has values, feels having sex is going against said values, but she also has desires, at times, gives into those desires, but then, feels guilty about it later. So to cut out her feelings of guilt she wants to cut out the sex.

 

This is what you need to do; make her pick a position on this issue and stick to it. Either she wants to and is okay having sex with you or she isn't. If certain things are counterproductive to the two of you not having sex, i.e. sleeping in the same bed together, and you two decide not to have sex, then, don't do those things. If you do then have sex even if she initiates, eventually, she'll place the blame of her actions on you and she'll end things because she'll feel it's because of you she's doing things that go against her beliefs.

 

Very well, and fair. I'm going with that.

[OliveOyl]

Because frankly, what you say above is a mild form of threatening. It's like, if you don't have sex with me, we will break up.

 

I think it is a perfectly valid reason to break up.

 

In a serious long term relationship, or marriage, where one person is going through a down cycle (health issues, depression, etc.) such an ultimatum wouldn't seem right. But that doesn't seem to be the case here.

 

For women it would be like the guy refuses to cuddle with the woman. Would you want a relationship like that?

[BS76]

Skywalker, she's testing you - i.e. giving you crap...

 

you should not tolerate this, and the more you do it, the less seriously she'll take you when you stand up to her later and break up.

 

she says she likes you, is still getting HER needs met from you while you're left out in the cold because she changed her mind... that's what I just read.

 

this should be about those hard & fast rules you set for yourself & live your life by, not about her necessarily.

 

you asked what do you do now? you need to do some self reflection and figure out what the rules for you are, regarding women & relationships.

 

some of mine are:

 

I refuse to take a woman's BS;

I refuse to argue;

I refuse to be in a sexless relationship; &

I refuse to compromise on anything I deem substantial.

 

I had to do some soul searching before I settled on my rules. but let me tell you, once you establish yours, you live by them and you INFORM (in a cool & calm way) what you will be doing, because her rule set changed.

 

if I were you and we both shared the rule that we want sex in our relationships with women, this is what I would do:

 

invite her to a coffee shop.

get there early.

get your beverage & have a seat before she arrives.

do not order her one.

be cool & calm.

inform her that things aren't working out.

inform her how you're GOING to proceed: "sex in my relationships is something I will not do without. From here on, I'll be going out more often with the guys, and I'll eventually connect with someone that's more on my wavelength. I liked you, but it's not working out."

 

leave shortly thereafter...

 

go LC. and do what you say you're going to do. I guarantee she'll break in no time; however, breaking her shouldn't be the point. the point is you living by the rules you set for you.

 

I don't know about you Skywalker, but I've worked too hard to get to this point in my life to waste time with/have my needs marginalized by some chick who suddenly changes her mind on a whim.

 

that's some BS test & you need to stop even entertaining the idea.

 

TRUST ME, she will respect you for it & and when her little girlfriends find out you just blasted her, you'll become sexy to them (but that's a whole different topic).

 

Not exactly how I'd go about it, but the core message is solid.

[carhill]

She's 25

 

She says the issues of guilt come from not being married. I think there's a little B.S. in that because I'm her fifth partner. But oh well, people can change.

25, five partners and had sex with you on the fifth date. Hmmm....

 

Uses sex to get men and then positions them for what she wants (unknown)?

 

When I was your age I used to think women were these fragile creatures who were preyed upon by evil men. Wrong.

 

Hope you make decisions which are healthy for you. I would echo the suggestion to avoid ultimatums, rather express how you feel and what you want. If it's not forthcoming in any meaningful way, exercise your option to terminate, proactively.

[GooseChaser]

I think it is a perfectly valid reason to break up.

 

In a serious long term relationship, or marriage, where one person is going through a down cycle (health issues, depression, etc.) such an ultimatum wouldn't seem right. But that doesn't seem to be the case here.

 

For women it would be like the guy refuses to cuddle with the woman. Would you want a relationship like that?

I agree that the incompatibility is a valid reason to break up, but when a woman is faced with a decision like that-- have sex or break up-- in the case that she doesn't want to lose him, it could make her feel forced to have sex when she really doesn't want to, leading to resentment. To me, that scenario doesn't seem any healthier for her or the relationship than staying in a sexless relationship unwillingly would be for the OP. In my opinion, if the OP is sure that the woman does not want a sexual relationship, and he wants something different, this is a significant incompatibility and he should just break it off.

Edited March 20, 2011 by GooseChaser

[Imajerk17]

My take is between ConflictedGuy and CrazyMagnet. On the one hand, it warrants a serious conversation and reaching out to see what is happening from her end. On the other hand, for whatever the reason she isn't having sex, she's the one setting the terms in this relationship. This is your relationship too, and if there is something you don't like, you need to speak up about it.

[snug.bunny]

I don't think her choice to now sustain from sex has to do with a religious and/or moral reason, because I don't think a person decides to do that on the spur of the moment....

 

If it were a religious and/or moral choice to abstain from sex, that would have been something that was already engrained in her and her life would have been shaped around that, but it hasn't, based on her history up to this point.

 

Either something happened within this current relationship, a previous one, or other factors that led up to this drastic decision, health/medical reasons, or she is dissatisfied sexually with you, or there could be someone else (which hopefully is not the case).

 

It may be something she is embarrassed of discussing, but since she is in a relationship with you currently, she needs to provide you with something more substantial reason wise to support a decision that obviously effects both of you given you are a couple and in this relationship together.