jane100 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Some people multidate, some don't. It goes into huge arguments here once in a while. I recommend multidating for everyone, up to the point of exclusivity. Although in practice I tend to stop multidating when I get serious (but not necessarily exclusive yet). Some people never multidate, some people multidate only in the beginning, like 2nd date, 3rd date, whatever arbitrary threshold they choose. People argue back and forth, but personally I feel, unless you can tell the future, you can't say for sure which approach is better. Because every situation is different. So I'd say it comes down to personal preference. Absolutely. And I agree if done it needs to be handled in an honest way, with integrity as well as a sense of fun and joy. (p.s. unless I misunderstand, she did break it off with the other guys ...)
Author makelemonade1974 Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 P&R - What you are talking about is exactly what I couldn't handle. It just seems sort of gross and slutty to make out with several different guys. You can, after all, catch mouth herpes or mono from kissing, right? Ew. Light kissing - like even w/ tongue but lasting less than a minute - might be ok with me. But passionate I-want-to-devour-your-entire-head kissing along with bodies rubbing together may be too much. I don't, however, want to limit my options. New guy and I have great makeout chemistry but I'm pretty wary of him overall, and I have trust issues. This means, I'm not sleeping with anyone until I feel we are committed to each other. I haven't had sex since the breakup with my ex 6 months ago and since what he did to me was such a HUGE betrayal, I'm seriously afraid to trust anyone again. I guess I should probably be straight up about that.
fishtaco Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I think as long as people are not hypocritical, like I can multidate but you can't, then I don't see the problem. It's not like if multidating disappeared, then suddenly the evils of dating would disappear as well. When non multidaters get together, they face dating problems too. These are just different approaches with different pros and cons. Dating is not easy with or without multidating, because by default, people's motives are hidden, and people ARE allowed to change their minds without ANY repercussion, as long as it's done before exclusivity. I mean how many times have we ended up in a situation where a person's words do not match action? I think multidate or not comes from sort of a person's dating perspective. I multidate, but I also treat dating as a number game. I treat casual dating very casually, and I treat serious dating very seriously. I believe over investing is the biggest mistake one can make. I'm not interested in getting anyone to "like me", because I believe that's impossible. I'm interested in only finding the ones that already like me. So I get a yes or a no ASAP, I'm not interested in "why", then I move on to the next one... etc. So if I were in P&R's situation, I wouldn't sweat it if she liked me or not. Whatever happens happens. I go with the flow. I never focus on one person, because if that person doesn't like me, there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, so why bother? I just do my thing and wait for her to let me know. And during this time, I would in turn, multidate a bunch of other women. I don't believe my views are incorrect, but I believe some people don't like my views. Sort of like glass is half full/half empty. So choose whatever fits your personality.
East7 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 IMO, multi-dating does not allow one to get close to someone. In years past, people didn't do this and dating in general was less complicated. If one is dating multiple people, they should be honest about it because many are still strongly against the concept. In fact, I believe the U.S. is one of only a few countries to promote multi-dating. I'm pretty sure most of Europe does not do this. Multi-dating is a deal-breaker in EU and that is mutual, you don't do it and you don't accept others to do it. No decent person would date someone who is seeing someone else in Europe. It is consider playing or even cheating if you start smth physical. If you are not interested enough you just stop to see the person and look for someone else. It is more respectful to everyone. Now it depends what is called dating. If it is just take a lunch or coffee with a person and then with another person, that is OK. If you are in the 3rd-4d date and especially if it becomes physical (kissing/holding hands etc) you are supposed to be exclusive, you don't need to verbally ask to be exclusive it is assumed by both persons. I think multi-dating comes with the consuming society, we want to have the choice and pick the persons like we would grab food at Walmart. Nevertheless, IMO it is acceptable when people mutually agree with it and they are upfront with each-other. Just not my cup of tea.
oaks Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Multi-dating is a deal-breaker in EU and that is mutual, you don't do it and you don't accept others to do it. No decent person would date someone who is seeing someone else in Europe. The EU is a big place for such a sweeping generalisation!
EasyHeart Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 The EU is a big place for such a sweeping generalisation!LS is the Home of the Sweeping Generalization!
East7 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 The EU is a big place for such a sweeping generalisation! Whatever floats your boat mate. Many UK posters have reported the same thing as me, you are free to think what you like. SOrry OP we are off topic.
EasyHeart Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 P&R - What you are talking about is exactly what I couldn't handle. It just seems sort of gross and slutty to make out with several different guys. You can, after all, catch mouth herpes or mono from kissing, right? Ew. Light kissing - like even w/ tongue but lasting less than a minute - might be ok with me. But passionate I-want-to-devour-your-entire-head kissing along with bodies rubbing together may be too much. I don't, however, want to limit my options. New guy and I have great makeout chemistry but I'm pretty wary of him overall, and I have trust issues. This means, I'm not sleeping with anyone until I feel we are committed to each other. I haven't had sex since the breakup with my ex 6 months ago and since what he did to me was such a HUGE betrayal, I'm seriously afraid to trust anyone again. I guess I should probably be straight up about that.The important thing is to do what feels right to you. We all have different boundaries, and if you don't want to be a gross and slutty herpes-infested mono patient, then that that's okay. We will still like you!!! I'm old enough to remember a time when dating wasn't a business. It was still fun, and we had these strange notions of "casual dating" and "playing the field" and just enjoyed the company of women (or men). Dating seems to be an awful lot of work nowadays. Now, Lemonade, tell us more about these passionate I-want-to-devour-your-entire-head kissing along with bodies rubbing together kisses. Please? And type slooowly. . . .
january2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 When I was talking to a number of guys via online dating (hadn't even met them yet), I found it hard to keep up: questions they'd/I'd asked, what they already knew about me and what I knew about them. I gave myself options at the expense of my sanity. Thinking about dating more than one guy, even to the coffee stage is enough to give me hives. And getting to the physical stage with more than one guy is definitely 'ew' in my book. Perhaps the newgen daters can do it, but me? I still subscribe to old school "monodating" all the way. I'm in the UK.
somedude81 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I seriously can't imagine wanting to kiss more than one girl in a short time period. So a girl who kisses a guy on one date, then kisses a different guy a few days latter seems slutty. Also the girl who is multi-dating expects all the men she's dating to play by her rules.
jane100 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 The important thing is to do what feels right to you. I'm old enough to remember a time when dating wasn't a business. It was still fun, and we had these strange notions of "casual dating" and "playing the field" and just enjoyed the company of women (or men). Dating seems to be an awful lot of work nowadays. Totally. People need to get over themselves. But have fun. And have integrity. lol.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 When I was single and dating, I did multi-date on a very social level. No making out. Sometimes a good night kiss - no tongue. I shared social activities with different men in order to get to know them better, and to have fun. (No, I didn't make them pay, fellows.) OP, I don't think it's "wrong" to make out or even to have sex with more than one person at a time, (I guess you can take that how you'd like to!) but ONLY if YOU are perfectly comfortable with that and as long as there is no deceit involved. Personally, though, that's not for me. I don't think its "for" you, either, or you probably would not have started this thread.
PerpetualMotion Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Multi-dating is a deal-breaker in EU and that is mutual, you don't do it and you don't accept others to do it. No decent person would date someone who is seeing someone else in Europe. It is consider playing or even cheating if you start smth physical. If you are not interested enough you just stop to see the person and look for someone else. It is more respectful to everyone. I'm from Europe (it's sunny, 24ºC here, so it's not UK ). I'm not going to say that multi-dating is a deal-breaker in my country. I'm not even going to say that multi-dating is uncommon. It's just that people here usually assume exclusivity from the get go, so if you want to multi-date, you should make it known.
Raderick Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Don't like it, never liked it, don't understand why others do it, but for each their own. I kinda feel like it's a self-respect type of thing, and I feel a bit weirded out when I see/hear people kissing one guy/girl one day and kissing another the next day. To me it's not exactly a deal-breaker if a gal multi-dates, but the likelihood of me staying interested is slim to none.
fishtaco Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Hey, this is good. The previous threads about multidating were pretty much filled with insults and how non-multidaters are morally superior. Now the nay-sayers seem to be instead saying "not for me, I won't do it, but whatever floats your boat". I think that's great. Multidating ISN'T for everyone. But it is a valid approach, at least here in Southern California (I don't even want to group the entire US into this category). And for the record, as much as I'm a proponent of multidating, I would gladly stop this dating practice, if people actually behaved better in the dating scene. Multidating gives you lots of options, but the need to have options comes from the fact that people play games, flip-flop, hot-cold, change their minds, very often, and you don't know what they're about until it's too late. So if people actually do what they mean and mean what they do in the dating scene, multidating would have much less value. And I would gladly trade in multidating for that. So if people in EU are so awesome that multidating isn't needed, then I much rather be dating in EU. But, until they invent the teleporter so I can beam myself to Europe every night, I have to do what I have to do.
Darren Taylor Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 OP, I don't think it's "wrong" to make out or even to have sex with more than one person at a time You're putting yourself and every person you're sleeping with at risk for STDs. Just saying.
cutecatch Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Do other people feel sort of weirded out by dating more than one person at a time? Like here you are kissing guy #1 on Friday and then kissing guy #2 on Saturday. Isn't this kind of ethically wrong? I don't think I could ever sleep with more than one person at a time, but even kissing seems pretty intimate to me. So maybe just date more than one person if you are lightly kissing them and not passionately making out? What if you have two and you can't figure out which one you like? I mean, you shouldn't have to decide right away, right? Sorry if this is a stupid question. I'm new to the dating scene. I actually will go months without dating (on the wagon lol) because it stresses me out. But you know (here's for you EasyHeart) I needz me sum luhvinz. Absolutely not. Its so not weird, its fun sleeping with multiple girls in one day, or meeting a total stranger somewhere and shagging her the same. Its awesome.
oaks Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Hey, this is good. The previous threads about multidating were pretty much filled with insults and how non-multidaters are morally superior. Now the nay-sayers seem to be instead saying "not for me, I won't do it, but whatever floats your boat". I was thinking that earlier... "Not another multi-dating thread but at least this one is polite... so far." I'm multi-dating in the UK, and I'm doing it because I'm using online dating sites. I send lots of messages to women and get no responses, so then I send lots of messages to women and get no responses, so then I send lots of messages to women and suddenly get more responses than I was expecting. It's like buses - you wait ages for one and then 3 arrive together. I could turn them away ("Sorry, I know I sounded interested 48 hours ago but you're too slow and now I'm talking to Woman#1") but I find that many of the women who do respond will go cold and disappear before I get a phone number or before the first date, so me turning away women who had interesting-enough profiles for me to want to message them seems self-defeating. So far I haven't multi-dated beyond the 3rd date - either they or I have ended things so that I'm down to 1 by then. So far there hasn't been any kissing beyond the 'on the lips' variety while I've been multi-dating, but whether that reflects my age (late 30s) or dating style (slow... get to know... looking for a relationship... not trying to taste their tonsils on the first date... perhaps even doing it all wrong) or whether it's because I'm multi-dating I couldn't say. I know multi-dating isn't for everyone, and that's fine, and some aspects of it aren't for me - I don't think I could do it much beyond 3rd dates or if things started getting too physical - but I do get mildly annoyed at some of the generalisations that get made about it and about the people who do it.
Star_Bright Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I have somethings against multi-dating, probably because of my expeirence with it. I don't believe it is a bad thing... I just believe multi-dating needs to be handled in a certain manor. My experience was nothing short of hellish, while I got the girl it was miserable dating her before I got into a relationship. She was upfront about it but I consider what she did unethical. She essentially went on 18 dates with me over a period of 3 and a half months and I still did not gain exclusivity, and I even had the talk 2 months in. During that time she was seeing at least 6 guys during this period. I also know she was making out with them too... Because she would have LONG make out sessions with me. I felt like I was being strung along by this girl because she showed every sign of being interested and wanting a relationship, then when I would hint at wanting to be one with her she would go quite, and attempt at changing the subject. I finally let an I love you slip. She said a week after she broke it off with the other guys.... I didn't know for about a month after this. This my friends is not how you handle multi dating. What does "I even had the talk 2 months in" mean? Does it mean that you asked her for exclusivity, and she declined? And yet you continued to date her non-exclusively? Or does it mean that she accepted your request for exclusivity and cheated on you? (Or something else? I'm just confused). I think that if you wanted exclusivity, you should have asked her if she wanted it, too. If she said no, and that was okay with you, then you kept dating her, she wasn't stringing you along. If she said no, and that wasn't okay with you, but you still kept dating her for the 3 months and 18 dates, then, she still wasn't stringing you along, because she was honest with you about her intentions. No one can string you on unless you let them! If you were unhappy with the circumstances then I think you should have gotten out, not "let an I love you" slip. Maybe this is a lesson not to give your heart to someone who hasn't given you theirs? If she changed the subject when you said you wanted a relationship, she did not want a relationship. She did not promise you that; therefore, you dated her knowing she wanted something differently than you did. That isn't her fault, it's yours... just sayin'. You were the one dating her and making out with her, wanting a relationship with her when she wasn't giving you that. Never let someone use you. I say this from personal experience and to help you, not criticize you. Don't be a victim or blame other people, when you were the one continuing along with less than you wanted. If I misunderstood and she cheated on you, sorry for my misunderstanding... although that would not be multi-dating, though, that is cheating. To me, multi-dating implies no promise of exclusivity. I don't expect it if I haven't been given it, and if I haven't given it, I don't think the guy should expect it.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Quote: Originally Posted by Mme. Chaucer OP, I don't think it's "wrong" to make out or even to have sex with more than one person at a time You're putting yourself and every person you're sleeping with at risk for STDs. Just saying. Um ... no, I am not. I don't think it is "wrong" to do it if you are still being true to yourself, and not deceiving others. I am not doing it, and I never have. It is not good for me. In case some of you didn't realize it, there was a "sexual revolution." People (of both genders! Imagine that) appropriated the freedom to have sex when and with whom they wished to, with their own moral parameters as the guideposts to follow ... as opposed to the impersonal standards set forth by society as a whole. Also, there is such a thing as "safe sex."
Darren Taylor Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Also, there is such a thing as "safe sex." No there's not. Even with birth control, diseases and pregnancy still can occur. The only true method of safe sex is abstinence and that's just not reality. If you're having sex with multiple people at the same time, you are at risk for STDs. You don't know who they're sleeping with as well.
P&R Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I think as long as people are not hypocritical, like I can multidate but you can't, then I don't see the problem. It's not like if multidating disappeared, then suddenly the evils of dating would disappear as well. When non multidaters get together, they face dating problems too. These are just different approaches with different pros and cons. Dating is not easy with or without multidating, because by default, people's motives are hidden, and people ARE allowed to change their minds without ANY repercussion, as long as it's done before exclusivity. I mean how many times have we ended up in a situation where a person's words do not match action? I think multidate or not comes from sort of a person's dating perspective. I multidate, but I also treat dating as a number game. I treat casual dating very casually, and I treat serious dating very seriously. I believe over investing is the biggest mistake one can make. I'm not interested in getting anyone to "like me", because I believe that's impossible. I'm interested in only finding the ones that already like me. So I get a yes or a no ASAP, I'm not interested in "why", then I move on to the next one... etc. So if I were in P&R's situation, I wouldn't sweat it if she liked me or not. Whatever happens happens. I go with the flow. I never focus on one person, because if that person doesn't like me, there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, so why bother? I just do my thing and wait for her to let me know. And during this time, I would in turn, multidate a bunch of other women. I don't believe my views are incorrect, but I believe some people don't like my views. Sort of like glass is half full/half empty. So choose whatever fits your personality. Well... right now I have the best relationship I've ever had, it's absolutely amazing. However through my experience I've learned that multi-dating is absolutely not for everybody. My girlfriend told me that when she was multi-dating she could not emotionally connect with any of the men she dated. She knew she liked me but she kept bringing in an influx of guys, and she couldn't completely connect with me. She said if I hadn't had said that I loved her she would have kept the cycle going. It wasn't until then that she said she broke it off with those other guys secretly and saw how her feelings progressed. I think she's an example of a person that doesn't handle multi-dating well.
Darren Taylor Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Well... right now I have the best relationship I've ever had, it's absolutely amazing. However through my experience I've learned that multi-dating is absolutely not for everybody. Definitely not for everyone and in fact, I'd also say that most don't do it properly. Many people will sleep with one or even multiple individuals while dating others. That certainly isn't the way to multi-date. My girlfriend told me that when she was multi-dating she could not emotionally connect with any of the men she dated. I think that's the biggest problem with multi-dating. You can't really connect with one person on a deeper level and you also have to keep a bunch of stories in line. IMO, people that multi-date have a fear of intimacy. Not saying that's the case, but just a personal observation.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Quote: Originally Posted by Mme. Chaucer Also, there is such a thing as "safe sex." No there's not. Even with birth control, diseases and pregnancy still can occur. The only true method of safe sex is abstinence and that's just not reality. That's true, but there are quite successful precautions that work well in the majority of cases, if used religiously. If you're having sex with multiple people at the same time, you are at risk for STDs. You don't know who they're sleeping with as well. I can't argue with that, but casual sex seems to be well worth the risks for plenty of people - many of them posting here on LS regularly.
Darren Taylor Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I can't argue with that, but casual sex seems to be well worth the risks for plenty of people - many of them posting here on LS regularly. Though I just joined to post, I've been reading the forum for about 6 months. I've come across a few posts/threads of people that have casual sex. Though they're obviously different people, they all seem to follow the same patterns/tendencies. 1)They suck at relationships, 2)They're obviously promiscuous, and 3)They have emotional issues and in some cases, they seem beyond repair. I recall coming across a thread during the period I was browsing this site. Some woman posted that she thought she was exclusive with a guy, but he apparently thought otherwise. He was sleeping with others and gave her herpes. According to her, he showed no remorse. As a result, she had several guys dump her because of her sexual health. If STDs didn't exist, casual sex wouldn't seem to be so bad of an option. I remember my dad telling me about when he became sexual active. This was in the late 60s-early 70s. You didn't have to worry about herpes, HPV, etc. This was also before AIDS. Back then, my dad said his biggest fear was syphillis, gonnorehea(sp?), and one or two other bacterial STDs that could be cured by antibiotics. Today, you have AIDS, herpes, about 150 strains of HPV, and the same bacterial STDs. Even with condoms, some STDs will pass anyway. Genital herpes is one and condoms don't cover that area.
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