makelemonade1974 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Do other people feel sort of weirded out by dating more than one person at a time? Like here you are kissing guy #1 on Friday and then kissing guy #2 on Saturday. Isn't this kind of ethically wrong? I don't think I could ever sleep with more than one person at a time, but even kissing seems pretty intimate to me. So maybe just date more than one person if you are lightly kissing them and not passionately making out? What if you have two and you can't figure out which one you like? I mean, you shouldn't have to decide right away, right? Sorry if this is a stupid question. I'm new to the dating scene. I actually will go months without dating (on the wagon lol) because it stresses me out. But you know (here's for you EasyHeart) I needz me sum luhvinz.
Crazy Magnet Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I'm back to dating more than one person at a time, but it hasn't gone anywhere physical yet. I can be pretty shy and reserved at first. Personally I could never sleep with more than one person at a time or even get naked with more than one person. I would gross myself out. As for kissing...I worry about this. I get attached when I do anything physical so I can't imagine long make-out sessions with multiple people on consecutive days. Perhaps a good night kiss at the door for 5 minutes or so would be ok for me but nothing much more than that. For the most part I try to put myself in the other person's shoes. What would I feel or think if the person I'm out with was kissing/making-out/sleeping with someone else. My general rule is if I would be upset if they were doing it with someone else, I won't do it. I may be the only woman in her 30's who worries about such things or even cares about such things but, oh well, it does cause me to wonder, a lot! I think it's a great question. I hope you (and I) get some kind of answer.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Depends on what you mean by dating. Do you mean going on some casual outings with a sexually attractive and fun person? That's what I think when I think of the word "dating". Unless an exclusive relationship has been discussed then there is nothing wrong with it in my book. In fact according to Eharmony's advice only dating one man at a time and excluding all others is the biggest mistake women make in dating. http://advice.eharmony.com/dating/biggest-mistake-women-make-in-dating-and-what-do-instead hilites. Once we meet a man we really like, we women tend to dive right in. We want to give our hearts, mind and very soul to a man, and meld together into a perfect relationship. We give away our exclusivity before a man gives us the commitment we want. ..... HELPING YOU CHOOSE A PARTNER WISELY It's hard to see the red flags when there is only one guy on the horizon. If you think he's your only hope, you tend to gloss over things about him that indicate he's not a good match. These red flags become landmines over time, and suddenly you've wasted a lot of love and affection on someone who isn't deserving of you. .... OPENING THE DOOR FOR PLEASANT SURPRISES I'm sure you've heard that you should "throw out the checklist" and not be too picky when it comes to men and dating. But I'm here to tell you that if you throw out the idea of dating one man at a time, you have a much better chance of winding up with your checklist...and more. By keeping your options open and increasing the number of men you meet and date, you increase the likelihood of meeting the man you've been dreaming of...rather than settling for whomever you happen to meet first. In a nutshell. Men and women both should keep their options open until they are sure they have found "the one". Closing off other options because you met one guy a day or even a week before the next makes no sense. Close off the options when you know the person well, have compared them to others, and can say objectively they are the best option.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 I'm back to dating more than one person at a time, but it hasn't gone anywhere physical yet. I can be pretty shy and reserved at first. Personally I could never sleep with more than one person at a time or even get naked with more than one person. I would gross myself out. As for kissing...I worry about this. I get attached when I do anything physical so I can't imagine long make-out sessions with multiple people on consecutive days. Perhaps a good night kiss at the door for 5 minutes or so would be ok for me but nothing much more than that. For the most part I try to put myself in the other person's shoes. What would I feel or think if the person I'm out with was kissing/making-out/sleeping with someone else. My general rule is if I would be upset if they were doing it with someone else, I won't do it. I may be the only woman in her 30's who worries about such things or even cares about such things but, oh well, it does cause me to wonder, a lot! I think it's a great question. I hope you (and I) get some kind of answer. You are not the only one. I'm right there with you. I think Lonely has a point though - we should consider our options.
carhill Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 IMO, unless and until one is in a mutually agreed-upon exclusive relationship, one should say and do what comes naturally. For some, that's polyamory; for others, casual sex; for others, non-sexual single dating; for others, non-sexual multi-dating. Everyone is different. For myself, I only 'date' one person at a time and, historically, have presumed, predominantly correctly, that the ladies I dated were dating other people at the same time. Unless and until we had the exclusivity talk, I presumed those behaviors would continue. They were and are outside of my control. I can choose to date or not date such people. My 'clues' have been, other than transparent disclosure, that the person often is 'busy', especially on weekends. Comparatively, I've never told a woman I'm 'busy', rather, if the subject is pertinent, I will explain why I'm unavailable on a certain date/time, like because of a business or personal obligation (specified). Example: 'I'd love to go out Saturday but we're re-roofing a friend's house and I know I'll be pooped afterwards and lousy company. Can we go out another time? How about Sunday evening?' Dating and relationships are fulfilling and valuable options in one's life and each of us is free to pursue those options in our own unique styles, paying due respect to our counterparts as dating/relationship potentials and humans. Hope the dating goes well
Crazy Magnet Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 You are not the only one. I'm right there with you. I think Lonely has a point though - we should consider our options. My friends and I were discussing the multi-dating thing last night. One of then had read some book that said to always keep three guys going at once until you find what you are looking for. Which is why I'm freaking out about the physical intimacy thing!
EasyHeart Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 General Rule: Multi-dating is okay; multi-screwing is not. Multi-luhvinz is somewhere in between. Personally, I don't like dating more than one person at a time. Usually, it's not a problem since it's hard enough to find one person that I want to date, so finding seven women at the same time that I want to date is pretty far-fetched. But I also don't think "going on a date" is the same as "dating". So typically, I might meet one (or two or three, etc.) woman that I want to date, I go out with her 2-3 times, and then decide on whether I want to keep dating her. I don't have any problem dating other women (or her dating other men) during that early going-on-dates phase. But after a few dates, if I decide I like her, then I want to focus on her. We aren't "exclusive" yet (and we aren't intimate yet), but I still want to focus on her to determine whether she might be a LT partner, so I don't want to be distracted by other women. I think this whole idea of "multi-dating" came about as advice to women who invest in relationships way too quickly. We see them on LS quite a bit -- the ones who are madly in love with someone they just met, who want to see him every day, who freak out if he doesn't immediately respond to a text, who are "in a relationship" a week or two after they meet, etc. Multi-dating prevents them from obsessing too much about anyone guy. You don't strike me as one of those women, Lemonade, so multi-dating might not be the right thing for you. Bottom line is: if it makes you feel uncomfortable, don't do it. There are no dating "rules" and what works for other people might not work for you (and vice versa). Just be upfront with you gentlemen callers and tell them, "I needs me sum luhvinz!!!"
jane100 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I think this whole idea of "multi-dating" came about as advice to women who invest in relationships way too quickly. We see them on LS quite a bit -- the ones who are madly in love with someone they just met, who want to see him every day, who freak out if he doesn't immediately respond to a text, who are "in a relationship" a week or two after they meet, etc. Multi-dating prevents them from obsessing too much about anyone guy. You don't strike me as one of those women, Lemonade, so multi-dating might not be the right thing for you. I think that is indeed the reason and it is a very good reason! Most proponents of multi-dating see it as very much in the interests of the woman for lots of reasons. She doesn't get hung up on one guy she doesn't really know, she meets lots of different men with different interests and personalities, she has fun, even that it is "healing" in some way. But those proponents usually discourage physical intimacy with more than one person, including kissing I would say. That might start to mess with your head (and theirs!).
Imajerk17 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I can't tell you how many first dates I've been on where there has been kissing, making out, holding hands, that has not led to a second date. (Yes, amazingly enough there are women out there who resist even *my* superpower charms. ) The guy doesn't deserve you turning down dates with other eligible prospects until you and he talk about being exclusive.
EasyHeart Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I think that is indeed the reason and it is a very good reason! Most proponents of multi-dating see it as very much in the interests of the woman for lots of reasons. She doesn't get hung up on one guy she doesn't really know, she meets lots of different men with different interests and personalities, she has fun, even that it is "healing" in some way. But ONLY if she is the kind of woman who invests too quickly/too heavily into a "relationship". There are lots of normal women out there who don't obsess over every guy they meet. For those women, multidating isn't necessary.
carhill Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Oh, also, presuming the ladies are entertaining other gentlemen compels me to be modest in my generosity unless and until we have had the exclusivity talk. No grand or expensive romantic gestures or dates. Other gentlemen are welcomed to do as they please. If they regale the lady with such gestures, and she views this as valuable, then she is with the right kind of man for her
jane100 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 But ONLY if she is the kind of woman who invests too quickly/too heavily into a "relationship". Not necessarily IMO. There are lots of other positive reasons to multi-date for women generally, and I think I pointed out some of them.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Multi dating.....basically having allot of suitors is good for both sexes and all genders. There are allot of people to get to know out there to only date one at a time. People just need to hold off on thinking they have a "relationship" from being on one or two dates.
Nexus One Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 (edited) I think multi-dating can only be done ethically if the person who is multi-dating tells to every person he/she dates that they're multi-dating. And they should mention it in their dating profile too and say it before going on the first date. Second point. No sex or kissing with anyone during multi-dating. Third point. You'd be surprised how many people refuse to follow these two rules to keep their multi-dating adventure(s) ethical. Edited March 20, 2011 by Nexus One
jane100 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Kissing is actually a very intimate thing. It used to be that prostitutes would do anything but kiss ... I don't know if that is still the case ... answers on a postcard pls .
Crazy Magnet Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 You are not the only one. I'm right there with you. I think Lonely has a point though - we should consider our options. But ONLY if she is the kind of woman who invests too quickly/too heavily into a "relationship". There are lots of normal women out there who don't obsess over every guy they meet. For those women, multidating isn't necessary. I wouldn't say I obsess but I tend to fall into the caregiver/rescuer role with alarming frequency and I'd like to stop that.
PhillyDude Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I don't make enough monnet to multi-date. Mult-dating is great for women because they get treated to dinner by different men
Crazy Magnet Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I don't make enough monnet to multi-date. Mult-dating is great for women because they get treated to dinner by different men I always try to insist on paying for myself on the first date. I should get bonus points for at least trying. So far no guy has ever let pay.
PhillyDude Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I always try to insist on paying for myself on the first date. I should get bonus points for at least trying. So far no guy has ever let pay. Probably because they think they are being tested since it's date 1
Darren Taylor Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 IMO, multi-dating does not allow one to get close to someone. In years past, people didn't do this and dating in general was less complicated. If one is dating multiple people, they should be honest about it because many are still strongly against the concept. In fact, I believe the U.S. is one of only a few countries to promote multi-dating. I'm pretty sure most of Europe does not do this.
Crazy Magnet Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Probably because they think they are being tested since it's date 1 I admit, if I know the guy banks over 200K per year, he can buy my $10 sandwich. The last several guys I've dated have called me a "cheap" girlfriend because I don't drink a whole lot, never really order expensive items off the menu, etc. I don't eat a lot so I don't see the point in ordering a lot. I take home leftovers and eat them the next day for lunch. They are most certainly not being tested. I feel bad that guys have to constantly ask girls out and then pay for everything. I'm a working adult too!
PhillyDude Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I admit, if I know the guy banks over 200K per year, he can buy my $10 sandwich. The last several guys I've dated have called me a "cheap" girlfriend because I don't drink a whole lot, never really order expensive items off the menu, etc. I don't eat a lot so I don't see the point in ordering a lot. I take home leftovers and eat them the next day for lunch. They are most certainly not being tested. I feel bad that guys have to constantly ask girls out and then pay for everything. I'm a working adult too! And I always think to mysel if I hit it off with someone then I have to treat her 3 times in a row and my money may not allow for it. So that's why I try my best to see someone every other week if it goes well.
ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Personally, I can't do it, OP. I"m convinced that it's a personal conscience thing that's either built in or it isn't. I've always followed things through to conclusion with the person i'm seeing before moving on. It's just better juju that way, love. But to each their own. Good luck.
fishtaco Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Some people multidate, some don't. It goes into huge arguments here once in a while. I recommend multidating for everyone, up to the point of exclusivity. Although in practice I tend to stop multidating when I get serious (but not necessarily exclusive yet). Some people never multidate, some people multidate only in the beginning, like 2nd date, 3rd date, whatever arbitrary threshold they choose. People argue back and forth, but personally I feel, unless you can tell the future, you can't say for sure which approach is better. Because every situation is different. So I'd say it comes down to personal preference.
P&R Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I have somethings against multi-dating, probably because of my expeirence with it. I don't believe it is a bad thing... I just believe multi-dating needs to be handled in a certain manor. My experience was nothing short of hellish, while I got the girl it was miserable dating her before I got into a relationship. She was upfront about it but I consider what she did unethical. She essentially went on 18 dates with me over a period of 3 and a half months and I still did not gain exclusivity, and I even had the talk 2 months in. During that time she was seeing at least 6 guys during this period. I also know she was making out with them too... Because she would have LONG make out sessions with me. I felt like I was being strung along by this girl because she showed every sign of being interested and wanting a relationship, then when I would hint at wanting to be one with her she would go quite, and attempt at changing the subject. I finally let an I love you slip. She said a week after she broke it off with the other guys.... I didn't know for about a month after this. This my friends is not how you handle multi dating.
Recommended Posts