Eternal Sunshine Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I have been seeing someone for around 3 weeks. We see each other about 2-3x per week on average. Physically, things are getting more and more heated up. We don't hang out at each others places, but last date ended in the cinema and we were making out in the last row. He got quite uhm excited. Our next date is close to the area where he lives. He kind of mentioned that we should go to his place afterwards. The problem is, I am not ready to have sex. My last R ended up being all about sex, where the guy dumped me admitting that the only part of our R he enjoyed was physical. I slept with him within 2 weeks. This new guy comes from Eastern Europe, so culturally they view women who have sex too early as easy. I grew up there so I know. I really want to wait, perhaps another 3-4 weeks to build a more solid intellectual/emotional connection. Ideally, I would want to do it at about 2 months mark. We haven't discussed this at all so I am not sure when is the best time to broach the subject. Should I tell him that I am not ready when he invites me to his place? Should I tell him when we are already making out? Or should I talk to him about it cold, when we are just hanging out talking? I don't mind going to his place at all, as long as it's understood that there will be no sex. Advice?
spackle Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 imo need to tell him before the date, if you go to his place he has to be expecting sex surely? Just be straight up, that you do like him, you are interested but you're just not ready for sex yet. He might feel a little frustrated but if he's half decent guy he'll wait a little while.
phineas Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 If you start making rules based on past experiences with past boyfriends you are going to end up like me. LOL! Putting a time limit on sex for one guy when you didn't do it for others in the past is going to piss aguy off who is generally interested in you. Last thing I want to hear from a woman is "I used to have sex early on but now i'm not going to do that anymore" makes me think she has issues. I personally wouldn't spend 2 to 3 times a week with a woman unless we were having sex. I got more important things to do then give attention to a woman multiple times a week that isn't my GF. I have hobbies & projects ect. You do what you want, but most guys just looking for sex won't spend that much time with a woman & not try to get it.
Author Eternal Sunshine Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 What can I say..I am worth the wait Of course I won't tell him it's because of the ex bf. And it's not really. Generally I just get attached quicker with sex and miss red flags. I want to evaluate this guy as LTR potential with a clear head. He is a real gentleman and I know he would never push me into it. I also started to get a phone call a day since last week. Not to mention treating me to expensive dinners and wine all the time Some guys are just class acts.
OliveOyl Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 What can I say..I am worth the wait Of course I won't tell him it's because of the ex bf. And it's not really. Generally I just get attached quicker with sex and miss red flags. I want to evaluate this guy as LTR potential with a clear head. He is a real gentleman and I know he would never push me into it. I also started to get a phone call a day since last week. Not to mention treating me to expensive dinners and wine all the time Some guys are just class acts. Isn't part of evaluating LTR potential knowing if there is sexual chemistry? The last thing I'd want to do is have spent two-three months with a guy who seems great in every way, only to find out things fizzle out in the bedroom... Given all the thousands of posts on this site about marriages going south because of sexual incompatibility, I think this is pretty important to know. Not first date, but personally I wouldn't wait months.
Lilmisus Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Isn't part of evaluating LTR potential knowing if there is sexual chemistry? The last thing I'd want to do is have spent two-three months with a guy who seems great in every way, only to find out things fizzle out in the bedroom... Given all the thousands of posts on this site about marriages going south because of sexual incompatibility, I think this is pretty important to know. Not first date, but personally I wouldn't wait months. I personally don't see a problem with waiting 2-3 months to have sex. Now, if you did as a certain someone on LS suggests and wait at least 8 months to have sex (with no exceptions)..then that's really really pushing it, and I would say exactly what you just did. 2-3 months though is pretty reasonable, and gives great time to get to know the person and know if they're worth the wait or not. Especially if he might view having sex too early on as being "easy". I think on your next date, before things get too heated and before he suggests going back to his place, you should let him know how you feel. Tell him that he's a great guy and that you'd rather enjoy the wait to have sex than just jumping into it so soon. That way, he doesn't get too overly excited and led on, and you don't have to just randomly throw it into your next phone conversation.
OliveOyl Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I personally don't see a problem with waiting 2-3 months to have sex. Now, if you did as a certain someone on LS suggests and wait at least 8 months to have sex (with no exceptions)..then that's really really pushing it, and I would say exactly what you just did. 2-3 months though is pretty reasonable, and gives great time to get to know the person and know if they're worth the wait or not. Especially if he might view having sex too early on as being "easy". I think this is an age-related thing (older people probably feel more comfortable having sex earlier) but also this is from my experience of a marriage that partly failed because there was no real sexual chemistry/compatibility. The sex wasn't *bad* at first. But it was never a really integral part of the relationship. It was like, wow we are getting along well, so now let's seal the deal by having sex and make things "official." Back then I didn't realize that sex is a powerful glue/bonding element, and now, I think sex should be more foundational than I made it when I originally got married. When I got married it was about: friendship, compatibility of values and beliefs, and societal appropriateness. So no surprise when years later he started feeling like my brother, not my lover. (Actually I felt that way within a few years, but.. sex wasn't supposed to be that important! Until I found out about his porn addiction...) Just my opinion, however. Certainly, rushing into sex to "keep the guy" isn't appropriate either.
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