spackle Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Jane 100 I don't like the sound of it. It smacks of unfinished business. At a guess your r'ship is new and not "bedded in" so to speak. Reason I'm suspicious is that I'm in the opposite situation. I split from someone last May and she immediately took up with someone new. Since then I've probably had 200+ texts ( plus we met up three times ). My view is that my ex is keeping tabs on me as her current r'ship can't be up to much if she feels the need to text me. Plus I never start a chain of e-mails, I let her do the running. So on that basis I'd be concerned and you need to address this issue now. Good luck similar here. I asked if he kept in contact with his other 'friends' like me (not that there is a good/bad or right/wrong answer) and he said no, just me. Which again just feels odd and if the shoe was on the other foot - I'd dump him for it Jane - if nothing else as with most topics on here - it depends. what there relationship was, what they talk about, how often they text etc.
Author jane100 Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 (edited) Thank you - yes, well if I hadn't lost my rag I might have got some sensible response. Though to be honest I was in no mood for a measured chat about the context and meaning of a text from an ex who said she was missing him (grr....) As you say there is no right and wrong exactly, only insight. But now I'm "falling" for him, I'm just in pain anyway at the moment, my feelings of unworthiness and not being special in any way have escalated ... All the "texty" stuff is a trigger. The only difference is as a mature woman I am trying to deal with some similar stuff I couldn't deal with when I was younger ... Edited March 22, 2011 by jane100
spackle Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Yes, well if I hadn't lost my rag I might have got some sensible response. Though to be honest I was in no mood for a measured chat about the context and meaning of a text from an ex who said she was missing him (grr....) As you say there is no right and wrong exactly, only insight. But now I'm "falling" for him, I'm just in pain anyway at the moment, my feelings of unworthiness and not being special in any way have escalated ... All the "texty" stuff is a trigger. The only difference is as a mature woman I am trying to deal with some similar stuff I couldn't deal with when I was younger ... I guess if you apologise about getting upset and ask to talk it over with him would be a start? Try not to put the guilt trip on as IMO that get's them to clam up.
Author jane100 Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 (edited) I couldn't talk about it to him. That would mean I showed I cared. That would mean he would know I was falling for him, and all my myriad insecurities to boot. Alot for someone you have only dated for a few months..... Anyway, I need to get a grip ... Edited March 22, 2011 by jane100
redliner Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Not to hijack your thread as I am experiencing something similiar. I was with my girl the other day and ran into a male friend of hers that I had never met or heard of before. It was all cool until after he left the place where we all were. Not ten minutes later her phone is blowing up with texts which continued all night long. Didn't think anything of it until I came from the bathroom and went over to the couch and was close enough to see that she was texting this guy. Normally I wouldn't care but there was an immediate rush to close out the "message" section of the phone as if she didn't want me to see. This did happen another time in where she told me that a guy was just an old friend of hers. It turned out that it was an Ex after digging deeper because something didn't seem right. Not sure whether to wait it out or to ask whats going on AGAIN. It seems hard to ask without coming off as accusing. F-ing texts, lol
Author jane100 Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 Not sure whether to wait it out or to ask whats going on AGAIN. It seems hard to ask without coming off as accusing. In a way, stating your case, is actually a mark of self-respect, with in reason. I don't think its accusing. It might be a bit "me-tarzan you-jane" but I think its actually positive - WTF are you texting that guy for is laying it on the line, your self-respect - personally I find it sexy! As a woman I am not so sure the same thing applies, though in one sense I think it does. I think the problem for me is that our relationship is still pretty unsure and to put out a "territory marker" like that might be premature. But it may be completely different in your situation.
tell-me-more Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Jane Address the issue. It won't go away. My situation is the opposite. If the current partner of my ex knew we've traded 200 texts I doubt if he'd have confidence in the r'ship. Alternatively, you lack confidence in yourself. And in all probability you don't have full trust in your boyfriend
spackle Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 I couldn't talk about it to him. That would mean I showed I cared. That would mean he would know I was falling for him, and all my myriad insecurities to boot. Alot for someone you have only dated for a few months..... Anyway, I need to get a grip ... you can't ask because it would mean you care? Well 1. you DO care and 2. If you didn't care you wouldn't be with him, right?
Author jane100 Posted March 22, 2011 Author Posted March 22, 2011 spackle, you're so right .. interesting but annoying huh ... but weren't you involved in some long ex-texting thing which made you warn me in the first place, grrr..., ick i'm smiling a tiny bit now cos i'm drunk.
Intricategirl Posted March 23, 2011 Posted March 23, 2011 Aw crap... Looks like I'm gonna wade into it (and live to regret it later). What follows is based on my story of the ex I text. YMMV GREATLY. I have mentioned before that I'm still really good friends with one of my exes. we text, and very rarely share a phone call. We started a local group together, and since he's a 4th degree black belt sensei- when we were dating, I asked him to teach my kids martial arts. He's a good guy, he always treated me respectfully, and neither one of us fell in love. But he's a damn good man, and my kids could stand to learn a lot from him- not just in terms of martial arts, but in life as well. Their own father can't teach them- he's halfway across the country and pretty dishonorable. Apart from them, I respect him greatly. Not love. I never did. But I'm proud of the group we built, and I have a lot of fun with him. His new girl joined up with our group. She was very respectful towards me, and she was hesitant to come because she didn't want to step on my toes. She saw that as my realm. But I invited her to come, and I'm glad she did. She's cool, she's a good addition to the group, and she's a MUCH better match for him than I am. But, let's say that she finds out he's been texting me. And she's upset about it. If they can talk it out, cool. He gets to hear that it bothers her, and has a chance to allay her fears. And there is NOTHING we say to each other that I wouldn't type with her sitting right there beside him. When I say "friend" I mean it. But if she demands that he stop, that's when I'm going to develop a problem with her. In that instance, she has already taken away the guy I was dating. And I can sit back and say that I'm glad she did now, because it was too easy to keep dating someone that treated me well, even if I didn't love him. But she's already got him! Now she wants my friendship too?! Are my kids gonna get shafted? Is he expected to quit the group, or am I? All because she's insecure over what used to be (and really never was). And for the record, if they ever break up, I'm going to smack him across his big, bald head and tell him to go beg her back. I've had exes in the past that don't deserve that trust. So I can't tell you whether or not your BF deserves it or not. But just because they are texting doesn't mean there's anything going on. If he deserves your trust, give it to him. If he doesn't, you should probably break up with him over those reasons. But a text by itself doesn't mean much of anything. Either he's trustworthy or he isn't. So, my advice is don't look at the texts as an excuse.
Author jane100 Posted March 24, 2011 Author Posted March 24, 2011 (edited) Thanks for replies. Update. I put what happened into general context, other things that have gone on that I didn't go into here ...... Anyway - decided - its a huge red flag. I had to go and think and read a bit more about things - then it all became crystal clear. Edited March 24, 2011 by jane100
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