jane100 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Why would a man keep in touch with ex-lovers by text? My new lover does. He is fairly open about it. He doesn't meet them. I feel sure there is nothing "fishy" going on as such. It is only occasional. But, yes, I feel a little jealous. Is it an ego-boost thing, i.e. a lack of confidence on his part? Still an attachment? A ruse to make me jealous (since he has read them to me a couple of times, whether this is to be open, unconscious thinking or other reason I am not sure)? Or just pointless fun? It may be occasional but why are these women still in touch with him anyway? I should probably chill out about it, but I don't really understand it. Any thoughts?
EasyHeart Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 He's keeping his options open. It doesn't mean he's cheating or doing anything "fishy", he just wants to keep up connections so that he has options if/when things don't work out in the current relationship.
Author jane100 Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 Thanks, but oh dear! They do both seem to be from his past i.e. they're over (we're talking about 6 months/a year or more back). (Its awful when OP's come back to justify themselves !)
EasyHeart Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Most of us men are simple creatures. For the most part, if any of my exes showed up on my door step, I wouldn't date them, but I'd probably sleep with them (assuming I'm not dating anyone else -- and assuming they hadn't gotten really fat!! ). It may also be an ego-boost thing: he likes the attention and can tell himself "Oh yeah, she still wants me. I can have her any time I want." We've had lots of threads about opposite-gender friendships and the problems they can cause. but being "friends" with exes adds a whole new level of complexity to it. IMO, it's good to be "friendly" with exes (eg, I wouldn't spit on them if I saw them walking down the street), but actually being "friends" with an ex usually means (1) one of you is still holding out hope for a relationship and/or (2) one of you still wants to sleep with the other.
spackle Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Why would a man keep in touch with ex-lovers by text? My new lover does. He is fairly open about it. He doesn't meet them. I feel sure there is nothing "fishy" going on as such. It is only occasional. But, yes, I feel a little jealous. Is it an ego-boost thing, i.e. a lack of confidence on his part? Still an attachment? A ruse to make me jealous (since he has read them to me a couple of times, whether this is to be open, unconscious thinking or other reason I am not sure)? Or just pointless fun? It may be occasional but why are these women still in touch with him anyway? I should probably chill out about it, but I don't really understand it. Any thoughts? Hi Jane, Read any of my recent threads? Since I have been dealing with something similar. Except we were never gf/bf but did sleep together a couple of times. We cut ties and six months on he started to text me..for over 4months and pretty much every day. We suggested meeting to catch up but it didn't come off. It sometimes gets flirty and he never discusses the woman he's with & I doubt she knows about me. Knowing he's pain in the arse and I got hurt getting involved with him & find him attractive I can't say 100% that if the situation presented itself that I wouldn't sleep with him. Still happy about him texting?
spackle Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Thanks, but oh dear! They do both seem to be from his past i.e. they're over (we're talking about 6 months/a year or more back). (Its awful when OP's come back to justify themselves !) length of time doesn't always matter & it's not awful for an OP to come back to a thread. It's adding information.
Nexus One Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 It's possible that when he broke up with his ex(es), that they agreed to stay on friendly terms with each other. It's quite possible that when two people break up they still want to keep in touch in order to check each other's wellbeing/health/happiness, because at one point in their lives they were lovers and did care about each other.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 What nexus said. If any of that love stuff we all talk when we are with someone is true, and a breakup does not involve any cheating or betrayal, then staying friendly if not friends is the emotionally mature thing to do. So long as there is no hard evidence of cheating and you can trust him then don't worry about it.
spackle Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 What nexus said. If any of that love stuff we all talk when we are with someone is true, and a breakup does not involve any cheating or betrayal, then staying friendly if not friends is the emotionally mature thing to do. So long as there is no hard evidence of cheating and you can trust him then don't worry about it. you also said in another thread that as long as someone isn't married or engaged they're fair game
Intricategirl Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I think it depends. Some will use it as a way of keeping their options open, some will use it because that was an important person in their life and the friendship still exists. I know from experience that it doesn't have to mean he's keeping his options open. I have an ex that I'm very good friends with, and he's been a great support to me and my kids. I love that dude dearly, but only as a friend (and that was true even when we were dating). If he EVER broke up with his new girlfriend and wanted me back, I'd probably never speak to him again, because it would mean that our entire friendship was not real. And that would throw everything I thought I knew about him into question. I guess my advice would be that relationships take a certain amount of trust. If he's given you reason to trust him apart from this, do so. If he's given you reasons to not trust him, you've got to examine whether you can continue with the relationship.
CluelessGuy1986 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I was going to post something similar. My girlfriend is constantly receiving texts from an ex, this guy doesnt stop. She doesnt want me confronting him but I am not sure I can stand by as this keeps happening? She seems irriated whenever she gets them but at the same time im not sure if she ever replies or what she writes.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 you also said in another thread that as long as someone isn't married or engaged they're fair game That is not mutually exclusive to what I have said in this thread. Until someone is married or engaged then they are in truth still on the market. It's like buying a house. Being bf or gf is like going to see the property and going to the open house. Driving by the house your looking at and thinking what life in it would be like. Being Husband and Wife is like actually closing the deal, buying the house, and having to work on the cracked foundations, bad plumbing, and investing for the long run. There is a world of difference between them.
jkl6158 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I don't know if these exes he's texting are girls he dated for a month or two, or a full blown relationship. I personally text my ex of 5 years back and forth usually a few times a week. He played a huge role in my life and I will always love him as a person... but I'm no longer IN love with him, so it has nothing to do with us ever getting back together. Due to everything we shared and all the good memories together I see no reason to cut him out of my life. I know he will always be there for me if I ever need a shoulder to cry on and I would do the same for him, but any new guy should not be worried about our relationship. However, if these are girls he didn't even know that well, it's definitely possible he is trying to keep his options open.
Author jane100 Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 (edited) Thanks for that. People's replies seem mostly mature. It is interesting though that I don't feel quite so "mature" about it, in fact if i am honest i feel a grinding, low-grade jealousy, so that has left me something to think about .... Edited March 20, 2011 by jane100
Audieme Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 It's a red flag for sure, OP. Nothing beneficial to your relationship can come from what he's doing. Beware. This is exactly what I was about to post.
kurisu Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 To me it depends on the conversation. I keep in touch with a fair few of my exes. Not that I plan on re-dating any of them. We may not have hit it off romantically but that doesn't mean I don't like them as a person and would like to be friends. Of course in the few exceptions I've made the ex in question is someone who I connected more on a friend level than a romantic one. Anyone I've considered as someone I could spend my life with I don't talk to very often, maybe a "hi" here or there but that's all. Everyone's different just wanted to share my side of it.
Author jane100 Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 It's a red flag for sure, OP. Nothing beneficial to your relationship can come from what he's doing. Beware. Thanks - do you care to go into more why its a red flag? Actually I do feel wary. I got angry but I couldn't articulate my anger so I just ended up looking rather dramatic and I still feel stupid. I cannot tell whether I am being manipulated or its just unconscious behaviour on his part. Anyway, the upshot is I feel jealous and unhappy and wary and I have a feeling its the beginning of the end, which I feel really sad about, as I really liked him. Maybe we should just be "friends" and I'll text him from time to time.
P&R Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Thanks - do you care to go into more why its a red flag? Actually I do feel wary. I got angry but I couldn't articulate my anger so I just ended up looking rather dramatic and I still feel stupid. I cannot tell whether I am being manipulated or its just unconscious behaviour on his part. Anyway, the upshot is I feel jealous and unhappy and wary and I have a feeling its the beginning of the end, which I feel really sad about, as I really liked him. Maybe we should just be "friends" and I'll text him from time to time. Have you actually tried talking to him about it if his behavior bothers you so much?
Emilia Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Have you actually tried talking to him about it if his behavior bothers you so much? exactly. this is the mature thing to do rather than going into defensive mode like conflicted guy suggests
cookie7 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I had the same problem with my ex who I was engaged to. IMO I believe that mine was keeping his options open because when we broke up he wanted to be friends because he wanted the chance to be able to marry me. (Thats what he told me) So I believe he may had told all of his ex's this and thus the texts. I had a serious issue with this especially after we were engaged. And lo and behold he flipped on me and dumped me quickly. Im wondering if he is now with one of those ex's. I suspect. Anyways just beware. If he has friends cool, however beware of alot of female friends that he is in contact with on a regular sounds like a player to me IMO. Or he is just keeping his options open IMO. You need to ask yourself if you can deal with it. If it keeps bothering you then you need to find a wise way of talking with him about it without making yourself seem overly jealous and based on his reaction and action make some decisions for your well bieng. Blessings
Author jane100 Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 Thanks again. The problem is I already got angry and didn't sound very articulate. This is a problem because if I had been more circumspect I could have actually found out what was going on for him, whereas now I am only guessing. If it happens again, perhaps I will ask more. But we haven't been seeing each other that long - a few months - so I will have to wait and see. I think the essential problem is - my feeling that I am not special and just someone in line (the latest woman). Is this down to him and his actions which may indeed be the case i.e. inner player mentality - or down to me and my feelings of not being special deepdown - that is the question. I guess I just have to be with that for a while and see, though I don't like really sitting with the doubt/pain. I feel like now I am going to take a backseat and let him make the running, but it feels a bit ungenerous and suspicious, and not the most loving way to continue things, hence my sadness.
Eeyore79 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I think the essential problem is - my feeling that I am not special and just someone in line (the latest woman). Is this down to him and his actions which may indeed be the case i.e. inner player mentality - or down to me and my feelings of not being special deepdown - that is the question. I feel special, but I still wouldn't like my boyfriend contacting his exes all the time. I've cut contact with my exes so I can commit myself to a new relationship, and I expect the same from my partner. If someone is contacting their exes all the time, there's a sense that they're keeping their options open and aren't fully in our relationship because they still have one foot in their previous relationships. So it's not that I don't feel special, it's more that he isn't treating me like I'm special because he hasn't fully left behind his previous relationships and devoted himself to being in a relationship with me.
lemonlegs Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 (edited) Hi Jane. I experienced this problem in my relationship as well. My boyfriend had just moved back home from across the country, where he dated a girl for about 8 months. Naturally, their relationship ended on good terms and the LDR sounded like too much work for them, so they broke up. No animosity between them. Of course, they still kept in touch for the 6 months before my boyfriend met me. Initially, it didn't bother me, but the more my feelings grew for him, the more I got upset by the fact that she would call him to update him, or text him. I'm not sure why, but I think it has something to do with my ex, who cheated on me with his ex, would text her and tell me it's nothing. Now I see it as something fishy, even though in this case I was probably too concerned considering the circumstances. Anyways, my point is... it bothered me, so I talked to him about it. He simply explained to me, "Listen, I just don't want to be a d*** to her. She did nothing wrong, so I don't want to tell her to stop talking to me." I knew what he meant at that point, because if we ever break up on rather amicable terms, then it'd be nice if he would still talk to me once in a while, ya know? I'm not big on talking to exes, but just in case. Despite this though, I told him it did bother me, as she would confide in him, when her relatives died, for example... and this worried me. So after me bringing it up AGAIN, he finally said, "Hey, if it bothers you that much, I won't talk to her anymore." And that was that... now she only texts him on holidays to wish him a happy one, which I'm fine with of course. So basically, just talk to him. Don't be angry with him, just say "I'm not used to my boyfriend still being in contact with his ex, it bothers me a little bit." And if he cares for you, then he will understand. If he gets defensive about it, then I'd start to wonder. No woman should be more important to him if you guys are at a stage where you both care a lot for each other. Furthermore, maybe his last girlfriends genuinely didn't care that he would text his exes, so he just thinks that every woman would be okay. The only way you can divulge this information is if you TALK TO HIM. Oh, and also, it might be helpful to know WHY they broke up. If it was on amicable terms (like my boyfriend and his ex) that explains why they might still talk. Edited March 21, 2011 by lemonlegs
tell-me-more Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 Jane 100 I don't like the sound of it. It smacks of unfinished business. At a guess your r'ship is new and not "bedded in" so to speak. Reason I'm suspicious is that I'm in the opposite situation. I split from someone last May and she immediately took up with someone new. Since then I've probably had 200+ texts ( plus we met up three times ). My view is that my ex is keeping tabs on me as her current r'ship can't be up to much if she feels the need to text me. Plus I never start a chain of e-mails, I let her do the running. So on that basis I'd be concerned and you need to address this issue now. Good luck
zengirl Posted March 22, 2011 Posted March 22, 2011 I guess it depends why. I have one ex I text from time to time. He's married, and we're not pining for each other. But we study the same things, so I message or text him about articles he should read, or asking for advice, or to say Happy Birthday. I probably text him a few times a year. If it was constant (like weekly), I'd find it odd. I think that feeling of not being special is more the red flag.
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