NC, and how to deal with it

[Snow-i]

So. I had girlfriends before. Even fell in love. I never committed myself to someone like this one though.

 

I've been in NC with her for about a month - that is to say, i've not contacted her but she has texted me. She left me two months ago. We were together for three and a half years.

 

We had a really intense relationship - we started by seeing each other pretty much 7 days a week and doing everything together. We lived really close and were in college together. We both had the same aspirations in life, same goals, same way of thinking etc etc. A perfect pair I thought we were.

 

Right up until the end, we would talk 3-5 times a day if we weren't together. We'd see each other 3-5 times a week but considering my work and school schedule, it became hard to spend as much time together as we used to. I assured her that thing would get better and that we would be able to make a life together, she always reciprocated when I was feeling down. She had medical issues that kept her at home and unable to go out and do the things people in their early 20's should be able to go out and do. I supported her, and put my life on hold until she was healthy. She comes from money, and after moving home started living a lifestyle beyond what I could afford as a young, working adult. We worked through it, and we always talked openly about how money doesn't matter and that we could do whatever we set our minds to.

 

Well, she had a close friend (female) that was really jealous of our relationship and the time we spent together, and I had a "best friend" that lived close to her. More on that later.

 

We both moved home after college. We lived an hour away but both agreed that no matter how hard things might get, we'd always have each other and our dreams. We suffered through petty arguments, like anyone as close as we were would. We had great times and we had hard times, but we always agreed that no matter what it would be her and I, and that nothing could break the foundation we built upon love, trust, respect and mutual affection.

 

When winter started to come, I noticed a change in her. She became bitter about everything. She was always a victim in every situation and no matter how much I tried to assure her she became insecure and looked to everyone around her to solve all of her problems. This wasn't the girl I fell in love with. I tried to stay stable and be her rock. It was hard. She started picking at me for the most trivial things. Everyone around me assured me that she was just depressed and that with my support she would surely come out of it and we'd be back to our old selves.

 

I started noticing my friend around alot more. To give you background, he is a loser. No job, no car, not reliable, always borrowing money etc etc. I never thought of him as a threat. He was close with alot of my friends, and I couldn't see her ever going for a loser like him. And, even if he did, I could never see her leaving me for him. No one else could either.

 

Well...one day I got a phone call. A ****ing phone call. I had just seen her the previous night and though I could tell she was still depressed, nothing seemed amiss. It was obviously rehearsed and her voice broke as she told me it was over. I asked her why, and she said she had no answer for me. I was destroyed. I went home and wrote out all of my feelings for her, killed a bottle of wine, and pushed the send button. No response. Next thing I know all of our pictures (over 200) of them are gone from FB, and her, her friend, etc have all defriended me.

 

I'm just in a WTF mode at this point. I always bent over backwards for these people because they were always struggling to make ends meet. I started getting nasty messages that made absolutely no sense from her close friend calling me a terrible person. I didn't respond and blocked her and her friend. I had ordered a very special valentines day gift, and i decided not to cancel it if nothing else to honor what we had once stood for. I got the nasty message the same day it arrived, less than three weeks after we broke up. Time passed, and I wrote another two emails just telling her I wanted her to be happy and that my love for her meant that even if it wasn't meant to be, I would always cherish what we had and that I would continue to support her in whatever way I could for her to find happiness.

 

Well, I got a phone call from her one day (about a month later) asking me why I would say such nasty things about her and how she hoped we could be friends one day. I was completely taken aback - i hadn't said anything but good things about her and certainly not to anyone that she talked to. My "friend" had disappeared completely after coming down this way weekly for over a year. I stuck to my convictions and spoke from my heart, after 30 minutes she was bawling, and finally ushered me off the phone. I asked her at the end if she was seeing somebody else, and she said yes she was.

 

The next day my family was defriended from FB, and I got nasty messages from her calling me a liar etc etc. Again, dumbfounded by what I was reading, I knew that whatever was being said about me, and whatever betrayal had befallen me there was nothing more I could do. I entered no contact. My heart torn open, I focused on my own life. I rebuilt old friendships, started going out, etc etc. I began to heal.

 

She left me less than a week after her treatment was over and she was given the all clear from her doctors. Word got back to me that she was "seeing" my former best friend less than three weeks after we broke up. I hope I never see that scrub again, I'm not sure what I'll do.

 

People that knew us well were shocked to hear about what happened. I can't tell you the number of people that reached out to me, including people that I always thought were closer to her than me.

 

I felt used. Extremely used and stupid for believing that anything that we had together was real. After the extreme emotions passed I realized that it was real, and that her deep rooted issues were coming to bear. It wasn't my fault and even though I constantly questioned what I could have done differently I know in my heart that I always did the best thing for both of us. Even to spite everything thats happened I still want her to be happy, and knowing her as well as I do I know that she isn't right now - she isn't and hasn't acted like the person that I fell in love with, one that was always smiling and always helping those around her.

 

I am happy with who I am and where I'm going. Truly. I've rediscovered my ability to connect with people and meeting new girls hasn't been hard. Every time I go to sleep though, I dream of her. I dream of whatever turmoil caused her to lose faith in me, and more importantly, herself. I dream of the people I once called good friends and how quickly they turned on me - for reasons I still don't, and probably will never know. I go on dates with girls as attractive both physically and in personality and though my ex isn't on my mind, I can't find myself interested. And its only been 2.5 months.

 

She started texting me every saturday, asking for stuff back and wanting to meet to talk about things. I ignored them, and UPSed her stuff back to her. The texts were cold, rude and pointed in nature - completely unlike anything I've ever seen from her. I haven't gotten my stuff back. I'd be willing to talk, but not under adversarial circumstances.

 

Last night I had a particularly vivid dream of her. I awoke and, though had a great day, found myself coming home to thoughts of her.

 

I don't even have a question. I'm not even sure why I'm deciding now to write this out. My instincts tell me that one day I'll get a call from her, and I literally have no clue how to prepare for this. I gave all of myself to her, and she left me, and started "dating" my former best friend. The nature of their relationship, I don't know and don't care to know, but a good mutual friend assured me that it was nothing - he might have just been trying to protect me though.

 

I know that I can't give anything to anyone right now, but there is this gaping hole in me where she once lived. I'm struggling to find answers, closure, anything. How could something once so strong fall victim to such pettiness? What the hell happened to her?

 

I struggled not to send her a friendly message asking for my stuff back. How should I act? Do I even want her back? Should I allow my bitterness to show through and show her the cold reality of her actions and what that means? Or should I continue to be compassionate and forgiving - the same traits that got me here in the first place, at least where the "friends" are concerned?

 

Thoughts and perspective is really appreciated.

 

Thanks.

Edited March 20, 2011 by Snow-i

[Movingthrough]

I realized that it was real, and that her deep rooted issues were coming to bear.

 

First off, i feel for you man. If i typed out my whole story it would be very close to what you are saying.

 

Im about 8 months or so into mine and im literally 100 times better then i was, so, it does get better, keep that in your mind. Like i said your situation is very close to mine and this is what i have learned.

 

Most likely there was some sort of red flags with her that you knew about when you got with her, but we put them aside usually. Now these red flags have come up. The reason i say that is due to her extreme actions, she "painted you black" so many times after, when you were just trying to be mature and honest about your feelings. Most of the time when someone does this to that extent, there are deep rooted issues in their past. She is being so "mean" because she is trying to justify it, they know what they did is not an easy thing to do, and after making a commitment to you (with a relationship), ending it will hurt anyone, so they find any mental way (painting you black, blaming on you) to ease that pain.

 

Im not trying to talk bad about her, but she reminds me of my ex, and my ex ended up being very manipulative. To me there are two types of people when it comes to breakups, ones that sit down and own it, and ones that use "other" means to get what they want out of it - so they can feel better. She seems like she has used everything she can to make it good for her. They call this the "diffuse identity" where she is manipulating others because of her guilt and shame, that is what my ex did. That guilt and shame probably came from her past but its also present in a breakup because lets face it, its not easy.

 

We had a really intense relationship

 

Here is another thing i noticed that was present in mine too. Usually when they go fast in - they go fast out. She seems to have all the triats of the type of person that wants things intense (honey moon phase, saying i love you etc) but when that feeling changes even slightly, or someone else comes in the picture......cya. My ex seems to live for the honeymoon phase and if she isnt in it then the relationship is not going "right".

 

When winter started to come, I noticed a change in her. She became bitter about everything. She was always a victim in every situation and no matter how much I tried to assure her she became insecure and looked to everyone around her to solve all of her problems.

 

This goes back to her looking at everyone else for HER problems. Im not a Doc, but from what im reading, she has some deep seated issues, and they usually come out when emotions are flying, and when are emotions at their highest? In a breakup. When she was acting like this, it was her way of checking out, for whatever reason she was done with the relationship. So she was figuring out how to deal, which is either by finding someone else or blaming (looks like she did both).

 

I also know how you feel about getting "the call" one day. I too think that one day i will hear from mine when everything else has failed for her, im not looking forward to it but it wont change anything. Overall you have to ask yourself in the current moment "is this what i want in a relationship" and if you say no, then cut it off. You dont have to "go" NC, just look at it like there are no other options, i mean honestly what else are you going to do?

 

As far as feeling used...well so did i. But there is a flip side to that, you did what you wanted to do in that relationship, what was right, so you didnt really get used, you did what you would have done in any other relationship and she didnt give it back, which in a sense is her problem. Its corny but you were the adult - she wasnt - plain and simple.

 

I dont know your full situation with your stuff and all that but at this point you have no reason to talk to her, and continuing to do so is only going to mess you up more. The feeling of a gaping hole is normal, emotionally you had someone there and they left, its a loss. I read something the other day talking about the "bi focal" way to look at things. In the current moment do you want someone like that? No. In the long term do you? No. So look at the current moment and say well this isnt what i need, so like a disease, cut it out of your life and feel good about it. Everytime my ex pops in my head i just remember how i felt and how i dont want to feel like that again.

 

As far as NC you have exhausted everything, been nice, wrote emails etc. There is nothing else you can do so NC is where you need to be.

[Snow-i]

Thank you. The insight you've provided is extremely helpful and I can't tell you how much it pains me to admit that you are absolutely right...

 

Most likely there was some sort of red flags with her that you knew about when you got with her, but we put them aside usually. Now these red flags have come up.

Yep. One of my best friends in particular warned me at the beginning - we went through a phase where she didn't want me to hang out with him at all, and everytime we did hang out without her I could tell she was holding back some insecurity. Boy am I glad I stood my ground on that one. She also had a hard time seeing things through other people's eyes, but would boast her ability to do exactly that.

 

The reason i say that is due to her extreme actions, she "painted you black" so many times after, when you were just trying to be mature and honest about your feelings. Most of the time when someone does this to that extent, there are deep rooted issues in their past.

Yes, that seems to be the consensus. I can't see it coming from her family, but perhaps its because they never say no to her. She has extremely unrealistic expectations for the future, and in recent times decided to give up on working towards her aspirations at all, and expecting the people around her to fulfill her wishes for her. Her parents, me, friends etc. I think its funny that when word got out that it ended, all these people that we maintained friendships with but didn't really hang out with us much anymore started reaching out to me to come hang out with them. I wonder what they saw that I was blind to?

 

She is being so "mean" because she is trying to justify it, they know what they did is not an easy thing to do, and after making a commitment to you (with a relationship), ending it will hurt anyone, so they find any mental way (painting you black, blaming on you) to ease that pain.

So, is it her way of distorting reality to become the victim/hero in the situation? Or is she just trying to find reasons to cut me out of her life? Some combo of the two? I'm having trouble grasping how handling it in such a childish manner can do anything to ease the pain - the only thing thats helped me get on with healing is how I handled mysef both in and at the end of the relationship.

 

Im not trying to talk bad about her, but she reminds me of my ex,

lol

and my ex ended up being very manipulative. To me there are two types of people when it comes to breakups, ones that sit down and own it, and ones that use "other" means to get what they want out of it - so they can feel better.

Its unfortunate that you've hit the nail on the head. Was she always this person and I put blinders on to it?

She seems like she has used everything she can to make it good for her. They call this the "diffuse identity" where she is manipulating others because of her guilt and shame, that is what my ex did. That guilt and shame probably came from her past but its also present in a breakup because lets face it, its not easy.

 

Yeah, the nicer I was, the more she was mean. Quite perplexing to me, as I repeatedly told her I wasn't trying to get her back and just wanted her to be happy. The more I supported her - even in spite of her treatment of me - the more she was nasty to me.

 

Here is another thing i noticed that was present in mine too. Usually when they go fast in - they go fast out. She seems to have all the triats of the type of person that wants things intense (honey moon phase, saying i love you etc) but when that feeling changes even slightly, or someone else comes in the picture......cya. My ex seems to live for the honeymoon phase and if she isnt in it then the relationship is not going "right".

 

Yeah, it seems she couldn't handle the adult aspect of the relationship. Whats funny is that over the summer, I became extremely proud of her as she actually took the time to articulate her commitment to me. She became really close with my family and started "settling" in my home, as I did with hers. In three short months that all changed - the catalyst seemed to be one fight in particular where afterwards she seemed less vocal of her needs. Maybe she saw what that commitment actually meant and she decided she wasn't ready for it?

 

 

 

 

This goes back to her looking at everyone else for HER problems. Im not a Doc, but from what im reading, she has some deep seated issues, and they usually come out when emotions are flying, and when are emotions at their highest? In a breakup. When she was acting like this, it was her way of checking out, for whatever reason she was done with the relationship. So she was figuring out how to deal, which is either by finding someone else or blaming (looks like she did both).

 

During our breakup, she said things such as "It isn't supposed to be this hard." Well, after three and half years, I would think there was something wrong if, given our situation, it wasn't hard. When i asked her to open up to me and tell me what was really bothering her, she said "i've already done that once, i'm not doing that again" referencing her high-school boyfriend which ended extremely badly.

 

I also know how you feel about getting "the call" one day. I too think that one day i will hear from mine when everything else has failed for her, im not looking forward to it but it wont change anything. Overall you have to ask yourself in the current moment "is this what i want in a relationship" and if you say no, then cut it off. You dont have to "go" NC, just look at it like there are no other options, i mean honestly what else are you going to do?

 

As far as feeling used...well so did i. But there is a flip side to that, you did what you wanted to do in that relationship, what was right, so you didnt really get used, you did what you would have done in any other relationship and she didnt give it back, which in a sense is her problem. Its corny but you were the adult - she wasnt - plain and simple.

 

I dont know your full situation with your stuff and all that but at this point you have no reason to talk to her, and continuing to do so is only going to mess you up more. The feeling of a gaping hole is normal, emotionally you had someone there and they left, its a loss. I read something the other day talking about the "bi focal" way to look at things. In the current moment do you want someone like that? No. In the long term do you? No. So look at the current moment and say well this isnt what i need, so like a disease, cut it out of your life and feel good about it. Everytime my ex pops in my head i just remember how i felt and how i dont want to feel like that again.

 

As far as NC you have exhausted everything, been nice, wrote emails etc. There is nothing else you can do so NC is where you need to be.

 

Yeah, and it sucks. I just feel like there is so much unresolved...but maybe that in it of itself is the resolution. I know that I just need to keep doin my thing, and let things start coming to me as I put myself out there. It won't happen overnight, but I'm proud of who I am. I have a few regrets, but I don't think I'd be nearly as wise or able to think of this objectively if I didn't experience my mistakes and take the opportunity to learn from them.

 

I've dreampt of her the past 5 nights in a row, vivid dreams...but I guess thats just my mind parsing out all the unresolved thoughts and feelings. Thank you, Movingthrough.

[Movingthrough]

Thanks for the kind words, and i can say that the way i talk now, and the things i say, are all because of my breakup. As much as it sucks, you will learn from it.

 

Yes, that seems to be the consensus. I can't see it coming from her family, but perhaps its because they never say no to her. She has extremely unrealistic expectations for the future, and in recent times decided to give up on working towards her aspirations at all, and expecting the people around her to fulfill her wishes for her. Her parents, me, friends etc. I think its funny that when word got out that it ended, all these people that we maintained friendships with but didn't really hang out with us much anymore started reaching out to me to come hang out with them. I wonder what they saw that I was blind to?

 

 

 

Well you see it now and you saw it then, but we all do it. We put things aside thinking we are special and it will work out. As bad as this sounds, if there is one issue (not just any issue but an "obvious" set of red flags) its time to move on. While some would disagree with me, most relationships end on things we saw in the beginning and let go.

 

So, is it her way of distorting reality to become the victim/hero in the situation? Or is she just trying to find reasons to cut me out of her life?

 

I have a good friend that is a female, very important to me and has been there through a lot. Shes educated and very mature. Her exact words to me the other day (we were talking about this stuff) was that most girls do not want to look like they were the one to "mess" it up. Just something they kind of grow up with, they don't want to look like they failed the relationship. Now don't get me wrong, guys do it too. Overall, i think its about how to feel the best, if you are breaking up with someone...well...it doesn't feel good. So why not try to blame it on someone else? "Oh F*ck him" Just an easy way out.

 

 

Its unfortunate that you've hit the nail on the head. Was she always this person and I put blinders on to it?

 

Is she a complete POS? IMO no. BUT she has issues and love makes us blind, i mean hey you wanted it to work out, who wouldn't. Because of that we look over things and it screws us in the end.

 

Yeah, it seems she couldn't handle the adult aspect of the relationship. Whats funny is that over the summer, I became extremely proud of her as she actually took the time to articulate her commitment to me. She became really close with my family and started "settling" in my home, as I did with hers. In three short months that all changed - the catalyst seemed to be one fight in particular where afterwords she seemed less vocal of her needs. Maybe she saw what that commitment actually meant and she decided she wasn't ready for it?

 

 

This is where it gets tricky, but is also 90% of the posts on here, like i said before most threads on here are "He or she said they loved me on Tuesday then broke it off Wednesday". From what i have gathered, read and researched, most of this comes from wanting something to work BUT there are doubts under the surface. In other words, you push hoping it will work (getting close to family, saying i love you, lets move in blah blah) when you really are just trying to convince yourself everything is OK. Plus, who doesn't want those feelings? Sh*t it feels good! I was watching TV (yes i know TV) and while it doesn't mean much, its a good example. Two girls (could have been guys too) were on there saying how they would be stupid to mess up what they have at home, referring to boyfriends. That night they both went out and kissed other guys then went home with them and did more. The minute i heard them say over and over "I would be stupid to ruin..." i knew the guy was done. Saying things aloud is just trying to convince yourself, its your insecurities flowing out. Thats like what you are talking about with the family stuff, its the last "push" in the battle, hoping that deep down issue will go away.

 

It will get better man, and as much as this stuff has kind of hmmm lets say "blurred" my vision a bit on dating, we cant hold these issues to everyone. Read, research and write - get it out. It will help you manage your thoughts.

Edited March 22, 2011 by Movingthrough