Friends after the breakup?

[FirstJohn318]

Is it possible? Here is the cliffnote version of my story. I could really use any advice on how to transition back into being friends.

 

I am in a situation where I just got dumped a month ago and it is really hard since we both go to the same church. She is young, 20, and I was her first boyfriend. She is also an introverted person. We ended up dating for 8 months and never even got to kissing. Found out after we broke up that she had a great fear of intimate contact (wasnt even completely comfortable hugging her best friend for a while). Before you ask she did not go through anything traumatic in her life. She is a very introverted person, doesnt like to text/talk on the phone. I had to drag her out of the house to go places (unless it was like an anniversary or valentines day or special holiday) That is just who she is. I understood that going in and I think me trying to push her out of her shell hurt the relationship most. Even with her inexperience I am greatly appreciative of her breaking up with me in person, but I dont think she understands the immediate response we have as dumpees. like you said resorting to begging and hoping etc. So for the first two weeks or so I did my best of not trying to contact her and give her, her space but I would slip here and there, comment on her facebook updates or say hi on chat. Nothing in a romantic way even though deep down I wanted us to fix it. I would post things on other peoples walls saying maybe things will change, or I hope that something might happen etc. I finally came to the realization that even though I love her and care about her that I really want us to be friends again since I miss that friendship the most. So I walked up to her in church and was like can we hang out this week and talk and she gave me a semi-bogus excuse and I was like ok backed off. Then I get an email from her in church saying I am NOT getting back together with you I thought I made that clear when I broke up with you etc. She claimed that she WAS sorry that it didn't work out but it wouldn't have lasted much longer anyway (and i agree with that) I started to reply and I was like this is rediculous she is 5 feet from me let me go over and just talk to her, so we agreed to talk after the service and I felt really under pressure cause she was either mad or upset and obviously didnt wanna talk to me for long so I felt rushed and just said a few brief things that I wanted to say but not everything. She felt like she couldnt trust me saying that I just wanted to be friends after seeing my posts on other peoples pages but thats what we dumpees do we latch onto hope in the beginning. I dont think she realizes it. During our talks I was like I am going to go back to giving you your space but I just wanted to tell you face to face that I just want to be friends and I dont want to win you back. Well after I got home I decided to respond to the email just to say everything I wanted to say without feeling rushed or under pressure but apparently that was a huge mistake she got mad at me and was like "Really. did you really just email me after I specifically told you not to" and the reality is she didnt say that at all. But she still got mad anyway, and told me to stop just stop it, dont even respond to this email. and posted a fb status about it. BUT she didnt defriend me on facebook so I think (at least) that is a good sign. I just honestly want to us to go back to being friends and being able to be in the same room without any awkwardness. Do you think she is really hurting too? She also untagged herself out of almost all the pictures of her and I together, maybe that makes it easier for her? I just don't know what to do to get us back to being friends again. Do I leave her alone for a while and if so what is a proper time, because she is so introverted that if I left her alone forever she probably wouldnt initiate any contact with me at all. I am at a loss

 

help...lol

[yoonie16]

Really sorry about the situation that you're in. It's tough to stop contacting a person you still care deeply about, but it's what you have to learn to do. Are you still interested in getting back with her? Well, whether or not you do, you still have to continue to give her space. Really lose contact with her for a month or so. Try to live your life and you'll find out sooner or later if she still cares. I'm sure she'll try to contact you on facebook or even talk to you at church. Just try to move on without any expectations. Like a wise man once said, "expectation is the root of all disappointment."

[FirstJohn318]

see I honestly dont know. I gave her the benefit of the doubt a lot. Chalked most of it up to inexperience. I truly did love her and I do care about her. Do I want to get back with her? I have no idea. (not that she would but) If she came up to me tomorrow and was like I made a huge mistake would you take me back. I wouldnt instantly take her back but I would have a discussion with her about it and see where things would go from here. There are times when I am like, it probably woulda never worked out anyway, and other times where I revert to well if I just wait a little while longer for her to break out of her shell it would all be worth it (cause she does suffer from depression a little bit) when she was in a very good mood things were beyond great between us but when she wasnt it was the exact opposite. Regardless of what happens I still want us to be friends, but I feel like shes really mad at me. Oh and guess what I get to see her avoid me again for almost half the day in another couple of hours. Sometimes I cant sleep because I am just thinking about her and trying to figure out how to fix the situation. I want to contact her and keep apologizing but contacting her would only make things worse.