Moved out with her - not turned out as I wanted

[NamNam]

Hi all,

 

 

I've been living with GF (of one year) and her son for the past week and have to admit it has been largely unhappy. It is certainly not the way I've thought it turned out to be. I've been thinking heavily about calling it quits with her as a result.

 

 

Where do I start?

 

 

First of all, she's insecure and is always thinking that I'm up to no good with my phone. She thinks I am either secretly talking to another girl via texting or facebook. She has been cheated in the past so this may have contributed to it. I am doing none of the sort. So I feel deeply offended over it.

 

 

This feeling of mine is amplified more so than usual because in order to be with her, I had to make a bold decision against my own family's wishes. My family have been disapproving from the start and do not accept that I have moved out. So to walk away from them despite loving them so much is a source of my massive grievances towards my GF.

 

 

I also have been the sole financial contributor to moving out. She currently does not work and neither do I. I've been living off my savings and in order to finance this move, 90% of the items in this place I have had to pay for (>12k). In addition, I am the one who pays the bills, the rent, and the bond. I am feeling that I have been robbed. The only things that belong to her and her son, is a TV, the washing machine, fridge, and their clothers. The rest I have had to buy with my savings. These savings took me a few years to accumulate and it has disspiated within a space of two months. It burns me.

 

 

I have clearly sacrificed a huge deal - emotionally, physically, risked my relationship with my family (who we have a close tight bond), and financially. All of this and then to be labelled as sneaky. I have felt like I've been stabbed in the back and used.

 

 

Secondly, I think she's not a 'team player'. I would have thought that moving ito together now means we're a team, everything we do, we do it in the best interests of our family (myself, her, and her son - who I love as my own).

 

 

Each day I have came home I have been given the cold shoulder and uncomfortable. Despite this, knowing how she's brushing me off, I take it on the chin, smile on and continue to live our lives. I do this because despite my own feelings, in order for this family to run smoothly, my own feelings have to be set aside. I don't feel she contributes in the same way. I try to talk to her and ask what is wrong, and the answer after a whole lot convicing is, that she thinks I'm sneaky and dodgy (see above paragraph). She lets what ever emotions she has take over without consideration for me.

 

 

Thirdly, I don't she's supportive of me at all. I express to her some of the feelings that I have had ever since we've moved in. Some of the difficulties I have encountered is that I miss my family, I have to accommodate our son's life into my own, and of course her needs and wants too. These are things I knew prior to moving in and have prepared myself for. I only tell her these things because I thought it's part of the communication process where couples tell each other all the fears, hopes, and dreams. All I want from it is some support to let me know everything will be OK, and that we will stick together. Instead she gets defensive and I get criticised for not being ready for this relationship and everything associated with moving into together. Am I wrong in expressing my feelings or am I supposed to keep things to myself?

 

 

I am a person with many responisbilities and she hates the fact that I have divide myself to various responisibilities - to my old and new family and my work. She always thinks that she is second best and I do not prioritise her. Truth is, I prioritise what needs to be attended to. My job (I'm a postgraduate student) is very demanding and requires a lot of attention. She can't accept that, she's needy in that respect, and accuses me of not living up to my responsibilities to her. This pstgrad degree is my meal ticket to better job prospects and so for me to complete it is in the best interests of everybody and I just don't thinks she's supportive of me. And mind you, I haven't even said anything about giving time to myself, I prioritise everything and leave myself at the bottom.

 

 

And as I mentioned, my family have been really hurting ever since I moved out and miss me incredibly. But whenever I speak of them, she has a habit of thinking that I want to run back to them. Can't a person miss their family when they venture into something new? Is it that bad of me to feel such a way? I think no.

 

 

In conclusion, I'm feeling a whole of resentment towards her now because I don't feel that I don't get appreciated and all my efforts recognised. I get accused of not being ready for this huge step yet I have fulfilled everything as a partner during this move and made huge sacrfices to be here in this position. I don't get enough support from her in the manner that our relationship needs.

 

 

Worst of all, I no longer trust her. I think she simply wasn't ready for me. She has convinced me to enter this deal together but she hasn't lived up to the end of bargain and I have done more than enough. I want to cut my losses now and ask her to leave. I don't want to be with her anymore, I am not happy at all.

Edited March 20, 2011 by NamNam

[heartshaped]

If you don't want to be with her anymore, then tell her so, and move on.

 

I will say though that this has only been a week and the first week or two or even sometimes the first month of moving in with anyone is an adjustment period. If you have never even been on your own [what I'm taking from you moving out from your family's place] then I'm sure it's a bigger adjustment to you than some.

 

All of these issues are not issues that couldn't be resolved if you wanted to, but I get the feeling that you are done and if so, you should be all means tell her this and move on.

[Fondue]

She sounds like someone who I would stay way from-- far.

 

- Suspicious and doesn't trust you

- Not grateful for the things you've given her

- Giving you the cold shoulder

- Demanding your attention (school is a big priority in your life, she should accept this

- Etc. etc. etc. I can go on.

 

As painful as it may be, I would just try and end this relationship ASAP. I can't see good things coming from this at all. You might have made a big mistake jumping into this, man. Many times your family is right and suggesting to you the proper advice. In this case, I think they absolutely correct in their assumption that you were not ready to do this with her.

[sniffys]

this sucks.

 

first of all, she isnt here to say her side, this is all your side.

 

secondly. 1 week? ok. u gave up too soon. u already made a lot of sacrifices and now you are there, and you're giving up.

 

was she that jealous before you moved in with her? and if so, why did you move in with her if u cant handle her being

 

1)jobless

2)she has nothing, just a tv, washing machine and clothes (no fridge?)

3)jealous psycho

 

lastly, you are too old to start missing your family. (a week?)

 

if your family loved u and gave a **** about you they wouldnt hinder u from pursuing what u love. she isnt a crack whore or murderer. she doesnt have std's.

 

i just hate it when u know ur family is wrong and then u eventually side w/ them. the reason that they didnt like her, as u have posted in ur previous entries, is that she has a kid. i dont think u mentioned they disliked her for being jobless, and having like ..no appliances..furnitures..(lol)

 

u sound like u are so bitter about being the sole contributor, again why did u move in with her?

 

clearly they dont give a flying **** about your choices and decisions, in my opinion you should make, handle and solve your own mistakes.

 

god i hate mommas boys.

Edited March 20, 2011 by sniffys

[betterdeal]

Tell her what you want, and what will happen if you don't get it, and follow through with that.

 

You want

- time for yourself

- time for you studies

- trust

- affection

- time with your family

- fun

- honest communication

 

Ask her what she wants from you and go from there. If she cannot deliver what you want, or you cannot deliver what she wants, you're incompatible.

 

I'd keep the conversations about your family to a minimum for now. Explain they are a part of you, and whilst that's true, it doesn't mean she's not.

 

Negotiate similarly with the other parties you feel responsible to in your life. Your family, your work &c. You might want to see if you can get some slack at work to deal with these personal issues, for instance.

 

Negotiate with yourself and determine how much time you will devote to you, be that at the gym, going for walks, yoga, swimming or whatever.

 

Once everyone knows what everyone expects, you will all be in a better position to decide on what to do next.

 

If anyone, including your partner, doesn't want to negotiate then that leaves you with the choice of living with the status quo or cutting ties.

[ConflictedGuy27]

one paragraph of your original post was all I could stand...

 

look man, quit putting up with her BS and dump this bitch & her kid... neither are your damn responsibility.

 

avoid dating chicks with kids in the future & for the love of almighty God, stop taking sh*t from women... one week of taking it is two weeks too long, IMO.

[TaraMaiden]

You need to look at his thread history.

Seems he wanted out of his parents' controlling influence.

This is either a case of "out of the frying pan into the fire" or "everyone is out to control me and I am a doormat".

 

All I see is whingeing.

[missmac]

It seems you just moved out of your parents house - congrats. However, the biggest factor that contributed to my own life skills experience - was living on my own, and having that time to figure it all out first hand: Getting to work on time every morning, cleaning up after myself (the rules for sorting and washing laundry was daunting at first) the importance of paying all your bills on time, budgeting your income (making your $ last until next payday)

 

It's important to learn to take care of yourself first before attempting to take care of others. You obviously care about her a lot to ask her to move in with you and share your personal space.

 

Parents may not always approve of who you love, or what you do - but they should always love you unconditionally, and be supportive of you - even if your opinions arent the same. That is cruel of them to deny parental guidance/love/support over the choices you have made. If your gf could see past her own petty feelings of insecurity - and acknowledge what you had to sacrifice to make this all happen - maybe she would see how much your family means to you, and possibly try to initiate conversation with your mom and dad on your behalf.

 

Bottom line: she is not supporting you emotionally, or financially, and further more is draining you of your time and energy over things that you should not need to justify (education!). Your education should come first - that is the vessel that will eventually will assist you in finding a job - and a source of income in which to afford yourself means of support.

 

You are right, a relationship is a partnership - and a team works together to overcome obstacles. If she is unable or incapable of contributing to the finances and helping you with your family and personal problems, is she at least contributing by other means like helping with the meals, errands, or household chores? Maybe ask her to help you look for internships or possible job opportunities in your career field - it would create an chance for her to be involved in your life and future (also her future if she can understand that)? It seems like she might get upset about that though - if she is upset over your busy schedule. Because she doesnt work - perhaps you need to sit down with her and explain the importance of concentration on your education and how it will impact your future earning potential for a job. Be honest with her and point out that if she has issues with your schedule now, what are her expectations once you have a full time job and work from 9-5 like most people? Does she not want to work - or is she unable to work?

 

Unfortunately - if she is just lazy and doesnt want to lift a finger - you cant motivate her to find a job. But you need to step up and let her know that because you are the one paying for everything - that she should not get a say in any household decisions - as she does not contribute. For example - you probably pay the internet bill, and need the bandwidth for studying and research - but meanwhile while you are out - she is probably on facebook, browing through and searching for anything to justify her speculation of your activities.........shes got too much time on her hands. And honestly - because she doesnt pay for anything you have all the control ultimately - and in feeling powerless, and somewhat helpless in regards to having all your basic necessities provided for you - it creates a worry.....and also some associated irrational thoughts - such as: because you are the one supporting her - and she is dependent on you - she might think that you could do whatever you want, like cheat, or treat her bad because without you she would have nothing. In knowing that everything could be taken away from you, and not having any control - it makes you defensive, and insecure.

 

She appears to be quite selfish if she moved in with you (with a kid!) knowing you are a student and have limited income. Being a student is difficult on its own - and most students are broke the entire time they are studying - there is barely enough spending money to have the occasional beer with some friends on the weekend - let alone support another person plus a child? She clearly feels entitled to whats yours, even though she does not contribute in anyway. You dont have much - and yet she is willing to take what little you have - plus cause you grief.....straight up, she is a freeloader - and is expecting way too much from you - and being completely unreasonable.

 

I know you love her - but you are going through enough on your own - and she is hurting not helping you. The truth about womens insecurities are that when they are formed from irrational thoughts - there is not much you can do to ease her mind - and continuing to to reassure her will never make her happy - once she is suspicious, her mind will naturally gravitate towards litttle things that she might think are "shady" when if she had not even considered you being unfaithful - would not see any little clues where there are none. Ask to to explain to you exactly what is is that she is seeing, reading that is making her suspicious of you. By no means agree to let her read you text messages, "check in" when you get somewhere that youve said youd be - or anything where you have to prove yourself......I know this would be the easiest thing to do -to make yourself transparent and give her your email password and login info - as a gesture to show that you have nothing to hide............UNFORTUNATELY. We are all entitled to our own personal privacy - and even though that might comfort her for a while, how long until she starts to interpret a regular message to a high school friend - as an accusation that you are flirting with someone else? You cant fix her insecurities - she has her own issues to work out - and you have to study!

 

Tell her if she put enough effort in to finding a source of income as she did looking for reasons to feel insecure - that maybe you would have a healthier relationship.

 

Im going to suggest you give her the same advice I gave you - learn to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. If she was previously independent - she would know the cost of living, and have a greater appreciation to find her own job to help pay the bills and keep groceries in the fridge. And I dont necessarily mean have her move out - but have her get a job and pull her own weight! Be honest - talk with her - give her a chance to resolve these issues before kicking her out. Tell her that you want her to find a job, and contribute to the bills - ask her what it would take for her to believe you are faithful (as long as its not ridiculous, consider acomoddating her request)

 

anyways - good luck! Worst case scenario, kick her out (and dont let her try to make you feel bad about it) -you have a lot of pressure on yourself right now, with the accusations, financial burden, and fitting in study time - she might get mad, but has no right to be. You both have problems, but you are the only one attempting to soothe her issues......what about you?

[sniffys]

he was saying she was supportive and wonderful less than 7 days ago. and i guess things happen so fast right?

i guess his life flashed before his eyes this week.

anyway u shud dump her, move out, leave the stuff u bought.

 

you are your parents "Golden Child" thats why they hated her for being "damaged goods" or not good enough for you. you used to disagree with them about that, but now you agree...wholeheartedly. you have your happy ending now stop whining.

 

@mismac: as previously stated, back read his posts. she didnt move in with him. he was livnig with mommy and daddy, and he moved in with her..he wanted to grow up but he just cant

 

@namnam: arranged marriage is good for u, it would be a win win situation to please ur mommy and daddy and to entertain your fantasies of growing up. hell..u'll be 30 in a few years.

Edited March 20, 2011 by sniffys

[Sash Bunny]

I think that if she accuses you of cheeting or anythink of the like, you should just ask her out straight if she trusts you. If she doesn't trust you she is the one not ready for a serious relationship. also point out that you have given up so much for her and she doesn't appreciate it at all.

Show her you have nothing to hide, and tell her she can trust you.

 

Also if you miss your family why don't you and your family(all) have a meal together, that way you get to be with you old family for the night and it isn't leaving her out.

[MarlyStar]

You come from an 'enmeshed' family and it's going to cost you your whole life if you don't deal with it. Enmeshed families CRIPPLE their young adults.

 

They are wrong to give you grief about moving out or moving in with her--even if she is the wrong person for you. And to be punitive and withholding is abusive. Yes, your wonderful family of origin whom you believes loves you so much is being abusive to you.

 

Get a therapist and start working on family of origin issues. You are far to anxious about being separated from them for it to be a healthy dynamic.

 

Secondly, live with this girl or not, up to you, but even if you split with her, don't move back in with your family. Support yourself, errect healthy adult boundaries with them, fend them off when they treat you worse for not giving in to them, and become autonomous. People with enmeshed families have a very hard time becoming autonomous, but without autonomy you will never thrive as an adult.

 

Do not kid yourself: it isn't just this girl they will disapprove of; they won't like anyone you chose whom they feel may take priority over them--and yet if you are to have a successful adult relationship outside your family, you will have to make a woman a priority over your family of origin.

 

Get a therapist, these are very very difficult issues to sort out.

 

Also, stop blaming her for the estrangement with your family. Not her fault and NOTHING SHE CAN FIX. The problem is them and you, not her. Also, she owes you NOTHING because you 'sacrificed' your family for her. THEY set up the sick dynamic that you had to choose between her and them to keep their affection and approval. They are in the wrong, blame them.

 

At your age you are supposed to be pulling away from your family, you are supposed to be putting them on the backburner of your life. That's what all normal psychologically healthy people do at your age. You get no special bonus because you are doing it, and are entitled to no extra compensation because your family is giving you a hard time. She doesn't owe you big because your family is making it uncomfortable for you. They are wrong to make themselves a 'sacrifice' in your relationship with her. If you let them win, and move back in with them, you will pay for it the rest of your life. They'll know your weakness for them and will use it against you forever.

 

Also, is her suspicion about your phone calls and texts, etc... because she's afraid you are running around with other women--or because she's worried you are listening to criticism about her from your family. If your family is not supportive of your relationship with her, their manuevres to break you up can be a source of insecurity for her.

 

Remember she cannot fix the problems with your family. If you are telling her, "that's just the way they are, it's just because they love me so much, if only you'd do this, or say that, or act a certain way, they'd come around and accept me again" then you are acting in classic momma's boy fashion. She should not have to change to win your family over. She should not have the responsibility for reducing your anxiety over separating with your family and dealing with their nasty fall out. The relationship between your family and you has nothing to do with her and is in NO WAY her responsibility. It's actually their responsibility to let go and your responsibility to insist they do so. Your family needs to grow up, and you need to grow up enough to insist they back off.

 

As for the money. Why shouldn't you pay the rent, etc... If you were living by yourself you'd be paying all the bills, so what's different? Were you unaware that she was unemployed when you moved in together? Did she move in with you and suddenly quit her job? Are surprised that you are using your savings?

 

When you moved in together didn't you understand the cost and have a plan for paying it. You knew you didn't have a job, you knew she didn't have a job--how did you expect to support yourself? Did you think it wasn't going to come out of your savings? If not, where did you think the money was going to come from?

 

Dude, you aren't making any sense here. You knew the finances going in; what are you so upset about now? How can you feel robbed, when you KNEW going in that neither of you were employed and the bills were going to come out of your savings?

 

If you aren't happy with her, have her move out--but whatever you do, DO NOT MOVE BACK IN WITH YOUR FAMILY. Don't tell yourself, oh it's cheaper, it's more convenient, blah, blah, blah...not with your family it isn't.

 

You say, " I express to her some of the feelings that I have had ever since we've moved in. Some of the difficulties I have encountered is that I miss my family, I have to accommodate our son's life into my own, and of course her needs and wants too. These are things I knew prior to moving in and have prepared myself for. I only tell her these things because I thought it's part of the communication process where couples tell each other all the fears, hopes, and dreams. All I want from it is some support to let me know everything will be OK, and that we will stick together. Instead she gets defensive and I get criticised for not being ready for this relationship and everything associated with moving into together."

 

I think she's right. She can't fix your problems with your family, and you are dumping the responsibility onto her. Of course she's defensive. Think about what you are telling her: "My family doesn't like you and are punishing me for moving in with you and I can't handle the punishment. I'm about to break. I'm going to start blaming you like my family blames you." And you are surprised she's defensive? She's thinking, grow up already; moving out of your parents' house shouldn't be so traumatic, and don't blame me for this problem.

 

Get a therapist to sort out these problems--it's unfair to dump them on your girlfriend and then blame her when she can't sooth your anxieties. Momma boy and enmeshment problems are deeply seated.

 

Think what else you are telling her. "I love your kid, but now I have to incorporate his needs into my life. As well as your needs. I'm too busy missing my family and dealing with school and internship and paying the bills. I resent your son's needs and yours too. This isn't fair to meeeeeeeee." Well, duh. You say you knew this going in, and yet you don't see to be coping well with the reality. Of course, she's not going to be too sympathetic. She has to lead you through this as well as fix your troubled relationship with your parents.

 

I think she's right, you are not mature enough to handle this situation.

 

"I have divide myself to various responisibilities - to my old and new family and my work. She always thinks that she is second best and I do not prioritise her.... And as I mentioned, my family have been really hurting ever since I moved out and miss me incredibly. But whenever I speak of them, she has a habit of thinking that I want to run back to them. Can't a person miss their family when they venture into something new? Is it that bad of me to feel such a way? I think no."

 

Dude, your old family is not your responsibility. I assume your parents are adults over 21? Guess what! They are their own responsibility. It's called parentification (and it is a form of child abuse) when parents make their children responsible for their happiness and well being. Look it up.

 

If your family has been really hurting since you moved out, they can get themselves a therapist and learn how to handle their fears of abandonment. It's not your job to make them happy with the next stage of your life. Children GROW UP AND LEAVE. Their empty nest problems belong to THEM not to you. Your job is to LEAVE. Their job is to get over it and get a life of their own. They are adults. Insist they behave that way. This is not your problem.

 

Frankly, I also think you want to run back to your mommy and daddy. I don't think she's wrong here. The anxiety of separation and disapproval is too much for you. You are wavering on caving in to their unreasonable demands.

 

Get a therapist. A girlfriend is not a therapist, and don't treat her like she ought to be. She doesn't owe you big time because you moved in together and upset mummy and daddy.

 

This is grow up time. That means letting go of mommy and daddy.

[NamNam]

Hey all,

 

Thanks for your contributions.

 

Some words have been useful, others not quite so. I would like to reply to each individual post but there's too many to do so effectively. Nonetheless, all opinions and posts were read and taken into account.

 

I guess the only ones I want to respond directly to are those who question me or my motives. I am comfortable with my recent decisions with my life and at peace at with them. I am fully aware of the potential consequences that could occur - including the feelings that I had expressed in the original post. I have not given up on this relationship after one week, but it'll be foolish IMO to ignore my own thoughts. I must be able to have a mechanism to deal with such negative and afflictive emotions. Hence, that is why I would create such a thread is to seek advice and opinion.

 

As for my relationship with my GF, I've taken these issues up with her and clarified my expectations from her in this relationship. She also has been under pressure and is possibly a reason as to why she has been behaving the way she has. We've both had our separate issues to contend with which I guess is amplified by the stress associated with moving out.

 

We have spoken about the past week and have agreed to leave it behind us and move forward. We've resolved them at least in theory, now it's a matter of executing them.

[NamNam]

If you don't want to be with her anymore, then tell her so, and move on.

 

I will say though that this has only been a week and the first week or two or even sometimes the first month of moving in with anyone is an adjustment period. If you have never even been on your own [what I'm taking from you moving out from your family's place] then I'm sure it's a bigger adjustment to you than some.

 

All of these issues are not issues that couldn't be resolved if you wanted to, but I get the feeling that you are done and if so, you should be all means tell her this and move on.

 

I have talked to her about these issues because I do want them resolved. Fortunately, she is on the same page too. We have agreed in principle in what to do.

 

And yes it is my first time moving out so adjustment is a challenge which she is understanding of.

 

this sucks.

 

first of all, she isnt here to say her side, this is all your side.

 

secondly. 1 week? ok. u gave up too soon. u already made a lot of sacrifices and now you are there, and you're giving up.

 

was she that jealous before you moved in with her? and if so, why did you move in with her if u cant handle her being

 

1)jobless

2)she has nothing, just a tv, washing machine and clothes (no fridge?)

3)jealous psycho

 

lastly, you are too old to start missing your family. (a week?)

 

if your family loved u and gave a **** about you they wouldnt hinder u from pursuing what u love. she isnt a crack whore or murderer. she doesnt have std's.

 

i just hate it when u know ur family is wrong and then u eventually side w/ them. the reason that they didnt like her, as u have posted in ur previous entries, is that she has a kid. i dont think u mentioned they disliked her for being jobless, and having like ..no appliances..furnitures..(lol)

 

u sound like u are so bitter about being the sole contributor, again why did u move in with her?

 

clearly they dont give a flying **** about your choices and decisions, in my opinion you should make, handle and solve your own mistakes.

 

god i hate mommas boys.

 

Yes I was bitter, purely because I felt I have done more than my fair share in this relationship and the process of moving out and she did not play her part. That is, she convinced me that her insecurity issues are resolved but clearly they weren't.

 

My family issues are irrelevant here. My problem with her is that I do not deserve to be treated with distrust in light of all my sacrifices. The least I expect is some basic decency so I don't feel uncomfortable in my own home.

 

Too old to miss my family? It's a pity you have to put an age on what and how you should feel. Despite my family's faults, I am still consider myself fortunate to have a wonderful family as them.

 

Tell her what you want, and what will happen if you don't get it, and follow through with that.

 

You want

- time for yourself

- time for you studies

- trust

- affection

- time with your family

- fun

- honest communication

 

Ask her what she wants from you and go from there. If she cannot deliver what you want, or you cannot deliver what she wants, you're incompatible.

 

I'd keep the conversations about your family to a minimum for now. Explain they are a part of you, and whilst that's true, it doesn't mean she's not.

 

Negotiate similarly with the other parties you feel responsible to in your life. Your family, your work &c. You might want to see if you can get some slack at work to deal with these personal issues, for instance.

 

Negotiate with yourself and determine how much time you will devote to you, be that at the gym, going for walks, yoga, swimming or whatever.

 

Once everyone knows what everyone expects, you will all be in a better position to decide on what to do next.

 

If anyone, including your partner, doesn't want to negotiate then that leaves you with the choice of living with the status quo or cutting ties.

 

Yes I have done all of the above, and she has expressed her expectations in return. I only mention my family and not discuss anything in detail unless she'd like me to. I do not want to be 'hiding' my communications with my family either, because that's ridiculous. I purposely moved out to stop the hiding and lying lol!

 

We now have a mutual understanding and agreed to put this in the past. If they are to re-surface again, then each person knows what to expect.

 

 

one paragraph of your original post was all I could stand...

 

look man, quit putting up with her BS and dump this bitch & her kid... neither are your damn responsibility.

 

avoid dating chicks with kids in the future & for the love of almighty God, stop taking sh*t from women... one week of taking it is two weeks too long, IMO.

 

Nothing worthwhile comes easy dude, to think that nothing has attachments and complications is naive. Obviously, if it's too much then it's best to leave.

 

But there is no such thing as a perfect person, the sooner you accept that, the sooner you will be comfortable with your relationships.

 

You need to look at his thread history.

Seems he wanted out of his parents' controlling influence.

This is either a case of "out of the frying pan into the fire" or "everyone is out to control me and I am a doormat".

 

All I see is whingeing.

 

Fair enough if that is your honest assessment.

 

 

he was saying she was supportive and wonderful less than 7 days ago. and i guess things happen so fast right?

i guess his life flashed before his eyes this week.

anyway u shud dump her, move out, leave the stuff u bought.

 

you are your parents "Golden Child" thats why they hated her for being "damaged goods" or not good enough for you. you used to disagree with them about that, but now you agree...wholeheartedly. you have your happy ending now stop whining.

 

@mismac: as previously stated, back read his posts. she didnt move in with him. he was livnig with mommy and daddy, and he moved in with her..he wanted to grow up but he just cant

 

@namnam: arranged marriage is good for u, it would be a win win situation to please ur mommy and daddy and to entertain your fantasies of growing up. hell..u'll be 30 in a few years.

 

Thanks for your advice, your attempt at humour is recognised.

 

I think that if she accuses you of cheeting or anythink of the like, you should just ask her out straight if she trusts you. If she doesn't trust you she is the one not ready for a serious relationship. also point out that you have given up so much for her and she doesn't appreciate it at all.

Show her you have nothing to hide, and tell her she can trust you.

 

Also if you miss your family why don't you and your family(all) have a meal together, that way you get to be with you old family for the night and it isn't leaving her out.

 

You come from an 'enmeshed' family and it's going to cost you your whole life if you don't deal with it. Enmeshed families CRIPPLE their young adults.

 

They are wrong to give you grief about moving out or moving in with her--even if she is the wrong person for you. And to be punitive and withholding is abusive. Yes, your wonderful family of origin whom you believes loves you so much is being abusive to you.

 

Get a therapist and start working on family of origin issues. You are far to anxious about being separated from them for it to be a healthy dynamic.

 

Secondly, live with this girl or not, up to you, but even if you split with her, don't move back in with your family. Support yourself, errect healthy adult boundaries with them, fend them off when they treat you worse for not giving in to them, and become autonomous. People with enmeshed families have a very hard time becoming autonomous, but without autonomy you will never thrive as an adult.

 

Do not kid yourself: it isn't just this girl they will disapprove of; they won't like anyone you chose whom they feel may take priority over them--and yet if you are to have a successful adult relationship outside your family, you will have to make a woman a priority over your family of origin.

 

Get a therapist, these are very very difficult issues to sort out.

 

Also, stop blaming her for the estrangement with your family. Not her fault and NOTHING SHE CAN FIX. The problem is them and you, not her. Also, she owes you NOTHING because you 'sacrificed' your family for her. THEY set up the sick dynamic that you had to choose between her and them to keep their affection and approval. They are in the wrong, blame them.

 

At your age you are supposed to be pulling away from your family, you are supposed to be putting them on the backburner of your life. That's what all normal psychologically healthy people do at your age. You get no special bonus because you are doing it, and are entitled to no extra compensation because your family is giving you a hard time. She doesn't owe you big because your family is making it uncomfortable for you. They are wrong to make themselves a 'sacrifice' in your relationship with her. If you let them win, and move back in with them, you will pay for it the rest of your life. They'll know your weakness for them and will use it against you forever.

 

Also, is her suspicion about your phone calls and texts, etc... because she's afraid you are running around with other women--or because she's worried you are listening to criticism about her from your family. If your family is not supportive of your relationship with her, their manuevres to break you up can be a source of insecurity for her.

 

Remember she cannot fix the problems with your family. If you are telling her, "that's just the way they are, it's just because they love me so much, if only you'd do this, or say that, or act a certain way, they'd come around and accept me again" then you are acting in classic momma's boy fashion. She should not have to change to win your family over. She should not have the responsibility for reducing your anxiety over separating with your family and dealing with their nasty fall out. The relationship between your family and you has nothing to do with her and is in NO WAY her responsibility. It's actually their responsibility to let go and your responsibility to insist they do so. Your family needs to grow up, and you need to grow up enough to insist they back off.

 

As for the money. Why shouldn't you pay the rent, etc... If you were living by yourself you'd be paying all the bills, so what's different? Were you unaware that she was unemployed when you moved in together? Did she move in with you and suddenly quit her job? Are surprised that you are using your savings?

 

When you moved in together didn't you understand the cost and have a plan for paying it. You knew you didn't have a job, you knew she didn't have a job--how did you expect to support yourself? Did you think it wasn't going to come out of your savings? If not, where did you think the money was going to come from?

 

Dude, you aren't making any sense here. You knew the finances going in; what are you so upset about now? How can you feel robbed, when you KNEW going in that neither of you were employed and the bills were going to come out of your savings?

 

If you aren't happy with her, have her move out--but whatever you do, DO NOT MOVE BACK IN WITH YOUR FAMILY. Don't tell yourself, oh it's cheaper, it's more convenient, blah, blah, blah...not with your family it isn't.

 

You say, " I express to her some of the feelings that I have had ever since we've moved in. Some of the difficulties I have encountered is that I miss my family, I have to accommodate our son's life into my own, and of course her needs and wants too. These are things I knew prior to moving in and have prepared myself for. I only tell her these things because I thought it's part of the communication process where couples tell each other all the fears, hopes, and dreams. All I want from it is some support to let me know everything will be OK, and that we will stick together. Instead she gets defensive and I get criticised for not being ready for this relationship and everything associated with moving into together."

 

I think she's right. She can't fix your problems with your family, and you are dumping the responsibility onto her. Of course she's defensive. Think about what you are telling her: "My family doesn't like you and are punishing me for moving in with you and I can't handle the punishment. I'm about to break. I'm going to start blaming you like my family blames you." And you are surprised she's defensive? She's thinking, grow up already; moving out of your parents' house shouldn't be so traumatic, and don't blame me for this problem.

 

Get a therapist to sort out these problems--it's unfair to dump them on your girlfriend and then blame her when she can't sooth your anxieties. Momma boy and enmeshment problems are deeply seated.

 

Think what else you are telling her. "I love your kid, but now I have to incorporate his needs into my life. As well as your needs. I'm too busy missing my family and dealing with school and internship and paying the bills. I resent your son's needs and yours too. This isn't fair to meeeeeeeee." Well, duh. You say you knew this going in, and yet you don't see to be coping well with the reality. Of course, she's not going to be too sympathetic. She has to lead you through this as well as fix your troubled relationship with your parents.

 

I think she's right, you are not mature enough to handle this situation.

 

"I have divide myself to various responisibilities - to my old and new family and my work. She always thinks that she is second best and I do not prioritise her.... And as I mentioned, my family have been really hurting ever since I moved out and miss me incredibly. But whenever I speak of them, she has a habit of thinking that I want to run back to them. Can't a person miss their family when they venture into something new? Is it that bad of me to feel such a way? I think no."

 

Dude, your old family is not your responsibility. I assume your parents are adults over 21? Guess what! They are their own responsibility. It's called parentification (and it is a form of child abuse) when parents make their children responsible for their happiness and well being. Look it up.

 

If your family has been really hurting since you moved out, they can get themselves a therapist and learn how to handle their fears of abandonment. It's not your job to make them happy with the next stage of your life. Children GROW UP AND LEAVE. Their empty nest problems belong to THEM not to you. Your job is to LEAVE. Their job is to get over it and get a life of their own. They are adults. Insist they behave that way. This is not your problem.

 

Frankly, I also think you want to run back to your mommy and daddy. I don't think she's wrong here. The anxiety of separation and disapproval is too much for you. You are wavering on caving in to their unreasonable demands.

 

Get a therapist. A girlfriend is not a therapist, and don't treat her like she ought to be. She doesn't owe you big time because you moved in together and upset mummy and daddy.

 

This is grow up time. That means letting go of mommy and daddy.

 

I don't know how you thought this is an issue between myself and my parents. You sound very knowledgeable but your comprehension skills have a lot left to be desired. Because of you, I was questioning whether my writing skills led you to your conclusions. But upon checking, I think not.

 

There's just too much to address in your post I don't know where to begin. If you lived locally, I would invite you for a coffee .

[NamNam]

You're setting yourself up to get burned... badly; and you don't even see it coming.

 

Do your future self a favor and undo this situation.

 

Note taken, I'll ride this one out for now.

 

My eyes and ears are open.

 

There's enough reasons for me to keep it going.

 

But thanks for the honesty.