Shocked....found chat on husband's computer

[Carm]

He doesn't think this is wrong because in his mind he has done anything yet but make no mistake this will lead there. I've been in this situation with my ex just chatting with a girl at work, it was about 6 to 8 months of just intimate talking before boundaries were crossed.

 

This is such a betrayal, I really feel for you and what you're going through.

 

This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his need to have his ego stroked.

[MrsX]

Abenormal - I did see that thread before I even posted mine. I searched "work" and "coworker" and read it. It's eerie, it could probably be written by his "girlfriend." Although this type of thing probably happens so much that there are tons more women just like her.

 

To the person who thinks I am behind their dalliance - NO!!! I'm not. It is important to me to confront him IN PERSON. I want to see his face. If I said something on the phone, I won't see his reaction and he will get time to think and contact her if necessary and prepare his spiel for when he sees me. I want to do it in person. I am doing it tomorrow afternoon, when he gets home - he is going into work only for a meeting and should be home by 3. My best friend and I spent a while talking this afternoon while our kids played out of earshot. She has a paper copy of the chat and a flash drive that I saved it on. She is going to pick up my kids from school tomorrow and take them for dinner with her kids.

 

I feel much better because I have this plan, although once he knows I know, I have no idea what will happen. I'm getting angry, which I think is good.

 

A question: what are ways to tell the difference between: 1. he really is sorry and regrets it and wants to work on the marriage and 2. he's bs-ing me to placate me and will probably continue? I know this may be impossible to tell, but ANY tips are appreciated.

 

Someone asked me what I wanted. IF they haven't gotten physical, and IF he will willingly stop their relationship and IF he seems to genuinely realize this is a mistake and IF he is willing to tell me everything and put up with me not trusting him for as long as it takes, then I want to save our marriage. I didn't just stop loving him in the last 34 hours.

[Frank13]

And what if I never found this? Would they get physical? Or would they just have this "friendship" for years that I never knew about?

 

I realize you put the word "friendship" in quotes but this is way beyond even that.

 

but also this other woman (please don't think I am defending her); if he doesn't really like her and is just using and lying to get a cheap thrill, then what kind of person am I married to???

 

I know this is devestating for you so it is hard to think straight, but who chats with people they don't like, much less in a sexual way? No one. The problem isn't that he doesn't like her. The problem is that he likes her way too much.

[Frank13]

This is probably petty, but what practically upsets me the most is that the bulk of the x-rated talk was him talking about what he wants to do to her....I would expect a man to be the opposite, wanting to hear what is going to be done to him.

 

That's because he is trying to take it to the next level. He is trying to convince her how good it would be for her. Sure he would like to hear what she would do to him, but if she is not saying anything, he is trying to push things forward. Basically he is trying to make it irresistable for her to decline an affair.

 

Face it, if a guy is trying to get a woman to marry him, is he going to tell her what he wants her to do to make him happy, or is he going to tell her how hard he is going try to make he happy.

[Frank13]

what concerns me is that he doesn't see it as wrong.

 

 

He does see it as wrong. He likes what is going on but knows if he said "this is wrong" to the OW that he is taking a big risk of pushing her away and her wanting to end things. A man who wants things to go further is never going to say "this is wrong" to the OW. In fact if she were to bring it up, he would do everything to convince her otherwise, ie his comment about it cheating "I don't think so".

[hopesndreams]

A question: what are ways to tell the difference between: 1. he really is sorry and regrets it and wants to work on the marriage and 2. he's bs-ing me to placate me and will probably continue? I know this may be impossible to tell, but ANY tips are appreciated.

 

A no remorse scenario....

 

When confronted, he will point out all your shortfalls as being why he did what he did. He will want you to change. He will take no responsibility for his actions and will downplay what you discovered. He will refer to her as his "friend" only. He will continue working at the same place, keep his cell phone in his possession at all times and will become angry when you question his whereabouts and when you show you no longer trust him. If he wants you to twist yourself into a pretzel and act as though you can't live without him, and you oblige, whatever little respect he still has for you, will be gone. He will throw a bone to the barking dog (you) to make you think there is still a chance with him but he knows he checked out a while ago but didn't bother to tell you because he, a cheater, is a terrible communicator. All the while, he will still be seeing her and hoping one day to be with her or, keep the both of you around because he can.

 

A showing remorse scenario...

 

He will become completely transparent. You will have access to his cell phone and computer at all times. You will know where he is every second of the day, if you need it, without complaint. He will go NC with the MOW. He will actively seek employment somewhere else. He will be agreeable to MC, IC, whatever it takes. He will not blame you for his actions. He will own what he did 100%.

[Frank13]

I feel much better because I have this plan, although once he knows I know, I have no idea what will happen. I'm getting angry, which I think is good.

 

A question: what are ways to tell the difference between: 1. he really is sorry and regrets it and wants to work on the marriage and 2. he's bs-ing me to placate me and will probably continue? I know this may be impossible to tell, but ANY tips are appreciated.

 

 

I am so glad you have a plan. It at least gives you a sense of control in such a bad situation. I applaude you for having the kids away when he comes home.

 

I would give you one piece of advice regarding whether he is BSing. Don't let him know how little you know. In other words, don't tell him you only know of this single chat.

 

Ask him how long this chatting has been going on and when you say this, also tell him "and don't bulls%$t me because I know (and/or have the evidence)". You can even tell him you installed a keystroke logger a long time ago if he questions how you would know

 

However, only do this after you have confronted him and have an idea what he wants to do. If he seems sorry and wants to save the marriage, do as I said above and add "and if you aren't totally honest with me then this marriage is over" or something similar like "... I am moving out" etc (of course only do this if you are prepared to follow through with an ultimatum).

 

If he wants out or isn't willing to save the marriage, then he probably won't say much or will not try to defend his actions. The fact that he believes you know everything is going to make it hard for him to BS you if he wants to save the marriage.

 

I think he is probably comfortable or a little bored in the marriage and this chatting is exciting. The problem is that it becomes like a drug. He loves the excitment and doesn't want it to stop and it is only going to lead to a physical affair. Once something like this starts, and the sexual talk shows it has progressed pretty far, it is very hard to stop unless he is confronted and knows you are aware of it.

 

Good luck!

[MrsX]

I realize you put the word "friendship" in quotes but this is way beyond even that.

 

 

 

I know this is devestating for you so it is hard to think straight, but who chats with people they don't like, much less in a sexual way? No one. The problem isn't that he doesn't like her. The problem is that he likes her way too much.

 

I am just hoping against hope that the fact she calls him "hot and cold" and that he never went to meet her means he really doesn't like her that much. If he's bored, maybe he can do this with someone without growing attached.

 

I guess it's more likely that he likes her but guilt makes him try not to, hence the hot and cold thing. I'm hoping for the best, but honestly expecting the worst.

[whichwayisup]

I am just hoping against hope that the fact she calls him "hot and cold" and that he never went to meet her means he really doesn't like her that much. If he's bored, maybe he can do this with someone without growing attached.

 

I guess it's more likely that he likes her but guilt makes him try not to, hence the hot and cold thing. I'm hoping for the best, but honestly expecting the worst.

 

The hot/cold thing more than likely means, he enjoys the attention he gets from her, makes him feel good - wanted, desired and sexy (since he knows he's still "got it" and it feeds his ego) but at arms length. His heart doesn't seem to be in it, he doesn't say the I love you, I miss you..He doesn't seem emotionally attached to her, it's more sexual and lust based than anything. But, with that said, fact is, he IS talking to her about personal stuff. you, sex, what's going on in his life..That means in some sense there is a friendship there too.

 

It's the makings of an affair, a breeding ground for something to happen if the timing is right.

[hoping2heal]

Mrs.X,

 

You said something early on that caught my attention. You mentioned he said something so filthy to her that you cannot get it out of your mind. That, and that there were things he said to her that he has never said to you.

 

For me, that was the big Aha moment.

 

Clearly, he does not feel like he can confide his desires in you and so instead he is turning to someone else who not only accepts him, but enjoys it. This is probably a lot of why he likes this woman. Everyone wants to feel accepted and loved for who they are and many people get into marriages only to realize that they are not. That what they really want, and believe in, and think would repulse their partners..and I do not mean just sex, either. I think right now he is in limbo. There is the part of him that feels SO good because he has someone who engages in his desires, is supportive of them, loves them right along with him. Then, I imagine there is the part where he actually has a conscience. What he is doing is already wrong, but he is probably so torn and trying to get just enough to get his fix of this other woman, but still maintain a boundry he can justify to himself is OK..thought it is not.

 

Has he ever talked or suggested or tried to be as you call it..filthy with you. Have you ever acted repulsed, appauled, grossed out etc etc etc. by a sexual act or suggestion he has made.

[whichwayisup]

I feel much better because I have this plan, although once he knows I know, I have no idea what will happen. I'm getting angry, which I think is good.

 

Because you're not in the dark anymore and come here for advice.. that's good. As awful as you feel, atleast you know what is going on under your nose.

 

A question: what are ways to tell the difference between: 1. he really is sorry and regrets it and wants to work on the marriage and 2. he's bs-ing me to placate me and will probably continue? I know this may be impossible to tell, but ANY tips are appreciated.

 

Just know that most WS's deny and minimize. If it doesn't feel right, always listen to you gut. BE strong and most of all, play this smart. He will KNOW he's been busted and you need to watch his reaction closely. Ask him questions like how long has this been going on, do you plan on leaving me for her, or were you just hoping to have her on the side and keep me as your wife. MAKE eye contact with him at all times..

 

Just tell him he owes you the truth, no matter what it is. No more lies. No omissions, the truth, even if it hurts, you need to know.

 

 

Someone asked me what I wanted. IF they haven't gotten physical, and IF he will willingly stop their relationship and IF he seems to genuinely realize this is a mistake and IF he is willing to tell me everything and put up with me not trusting him for as long as it takes, then I want to save our marriage. I didn't just stop loving him in the last 34 hours.

 

Ofcourse you love him and you should want to fight for him, save your marriage. Why hand him over to her? This is YOUR life he's been and she's been messing with. No more..

 

He hopefully will be remorseful and end it with her. With you by his side. Also, her husband should learn the truth too, otherwise she will continue to contact your H, in hopes to keep up their flirtings and sex talks.. She has to suffer consquences too, just like him.

 

Will he be willing to do counselling with you and on his own? Will he be willing to quit his job, or transfer somewhere else? They no longer can work together, that's a biggie. How can you rebuild trust with him if he sees her at work everyday?

 

I'm glad you have a plan. And I am sorry that he did this to you.. None of this is your fault! He chose to get attention somewhere else for whatever reason, so don't let him blame you for his choices! He could have come to you to say he was feeling bored, or felt like you didn't find him sexy .. No, he chose to get his ego stroked outside of your marriage and that is ALL on him.

[hoping2heal]

I'm going to try to say this gently as I don't want to offend you so here goes..........right now the things you've posted about are the last things in the world MrsX needs to worry about now. Your post implies that somehow she is at fault for her husband sharing his secret self with someone else because he doesn't feel comfortable with his wife. Even if that is so.........who the hell knows why that is and to assume it's so is just cruel to MrsX at this point in time.

 

I don't think anyone should be loading her down with this kind of stuff right now......she doesn't need to be made to feel that it's her fault or to drive herself nuts about the why of it right now. She has more pressing things to do right now.

 

Firstly, him doing what he is doing is of course not her fault. Not what I was saying or implying. I was trying to offer just my outside view of how it may have gotten to this point, of which the value seems to be overlooked by you and that is fine, since this is not your husband.

 

Mrs. X, the value here to you is that you can be honest with yourself privately and consider the possibility of what I said having some truth and then that could open some hard, but honest discussion between the two of you and give you the chance to be that one he comes to with his desires. Sometimes people assume they will be rejected and do not even give their spouses a damned chance, which is why I first asked if he has come to you and have you ever acted offended, etc. To establish whether there was something that caused him to feel this way OR is it just in his own head that he thinks he cannot come to you.

 

Cheating is never okay and I never meant to imply it is your fault, cheating is no way to deal with things that are not as you would like them to be in your marriage. Sadly, many will step outside of their marriage before coming to their partners. From the looks of things, it has not gotten to as bad as it could be and this could help your marriage if this is a need of his that he does not know how to communicate and is seeking it elsewhere. His choice to do so, of course is a whole other matter entirely.

[MrsX]

No, I have never told him something he said was gross, or put him off after certain sexual requests or anything like that. Ever. He's not ever been the terribly adventurous, swinging from the chandelier type of guy (nor am I), and while we do not have sex 4 times a week at this point in our marriage, we have a regular sex life. I am not prudish, I do not withhold, etc.

 

Had I not found this chat, I would NEVER have suspected a thing, based on his demeanor. So I wonder how "bad" things have gotten for him that I could not tell at all.

 

The thing he said that I found so offensive was just really crude, and not something that I think any woman would really be turned on by....I don't think the OW even acknowledged him saying it. I don't think it's something he'd probably have the nerve to say to someone face to face.

 

I'm sure tomorrow I will wake up feeling totally ill....trying to stay strong until then.

[whichwayisup]

No, I have never told him something he said was gross, or put him off after certain sexual requests or anything like that. Ever. He's not ever been the terribly adventurous, swinging from the chandelier type of guy (nor am I), and while we do not have sex 4 times a week at this point in our marriage, we have a regular sex life. I am not prudish, I do not withhold, etc.

 

Had I not found this chat, I would NEVER have suspected a thing, based on his demeanor. So I wonder how "bad" things have gotten for him that I could not tell at all.

 

The thing he said that I found so offensive was just really crude, and not something that I think any woman would really be turned on by....I don't think the OW even acknowledged him saying it. I don't think it's something he'd probably have the nerve to say to someone face to face.

 

I'm sure tomorrow I will wake up feeling totally ill....trying to stay strong until then.

 

Then this just shows that this MW is sexual and it's brought something out in him that he wasn't aware of, or not comfortable with. FACT still is, it's all talk. They haven't acted out on anything that's been said, which means he sees her a certain light and this is NOT based on love at all. Sure he may care for her, but he certainly isn't "Inlove" with her thinking he's her soulmate. He sees her as fun fantasy play.

[dreamingoftigers]

Abenormal - I did see that thread before I even posted mine. I searched "work" and "coworker" and read it. It's eerie, it could probably be written by his "girlfriend." Although this type of thing probably happens so much that there are tons more women just like her.

 

To the person who thinks I am behind their dalliance - NO!!! I'm not. It is important to me to confront him IN PERSON. I want to see his face. If I said something on the phone, I won't see his reaction and he will get time to think and contact her if necessary and prepare his spiel for when he sees me. I want to do it in person. I am doing it tomorrow afternoon, when he gets home - he is going into work only for a meeting and should be home by 3. My best friend and I spent a while talking this afternoon while our kids played out of earshot. She has a paper copy of the chat and a flash drive that I saved it on. She is going to pick up my kids from school tomorrow and take them for dinner with her kids.

 

I feel much better because I have this plan, although once he knows I know, I have no idea what will happen. I'm getting angry, which I think is good.

 

A question: what are ways to tell the difference between: 1. he really is sorry and regrets it and wants to work on the marriage and 2. he's bs-ing me to placate me and will probably continue? I know this may be impossible to tell, but ANY tips are appreciated.

 

Someone asked me what I wanted. IF they haven't gotten physical, and IF he will willingly stop their relationship and IF he seems to genuinely realize this is a mistake and IF he is willing to tell me everything and put up with me not trusting him for as long as it takes, then I want to save our marriage. I didn't just stop loving him in the last 34 hours.

 

Lady Grey is right, only by his actions matching his words over time. You will need to expose the affair though or else he will go right back to it after d-day, just push it further underground. Get into MC right away if you want to save the marriage.

 

I have still not stopped loving my husband after 2 years of insanity so I get it.

[hoping2heal]

Then this just shows that this MW is sexual and it's brought something out in him that he wasn't aware of, or not comfortable with. FACT still is, it's all talk. They haven't acted out on anything that's been said, which means he sees her a certain light and this is NOT based on love at all. Sure he may care for her, but he certainly isn't "Inlove" with her thinking he's her soulmate. He sees her as fun fantasy play.

 

I agree with this. There is obviously some other side to him that may be new or repressed or it simply does not line up with his values. He may want to experiment and try certain things but at the end of the day, I think he feels shame for them. It is possible too, that he does not care about the rejection from her, which is why it is safe. If he tells you, and you think he is a nasty freak..well that is going to sting for him. If he tells her and she thinks he is a nasty freak then que sara sara kind of thing.

 

That day with him going to the store, I think he did not go on purpose. Not because everyone was already gone. I think he changed his mind and did not want to go. I agree that from the sound of it, its not like he is in love with this girl. I am glad you caught this now before it DID get any worse BUT there is a part of me that thinks he would not really do the deed.

 

I hope you two can get to the bottom of this and find out why he felt he needed to go to her, instead of coming to you with these fantasies and what is going on there.

[AbeNormal]

Mrs.X

 

You know, of course, that I too was struck by the eerie similarity with the discussion in that earlier thread (down to the phone sex about a month ago), but still the odds are small that she is the "girlfriend". They are not zero, but small. And if it were the same person, the odds would also be small she would have checked this board in the past couple of days and become aware of your thread...

 

I guess that you (naturally, subconsciously) have a feeling/need to win your husband back from this other woman at this stage of the process. But its likely that soon your statement that "there are tons more women just like her" (as if she roped your husband in) will turn to the more realistic statement that "there are tons more women and men just like her and my husband".

 

Whether or not he is willing to fix himself and do what it takes to heal the marriage is the question (and I certainly hope the answer is yes). As you know, the act of his (emotional, phone sex, chat sex, or whatever) cheating is entirely his fault and has nothing to do with you. He is a cheater. You are a faithful wife. He has no basis to try and shift blame to you. On a lesser note, he also doesn't have a basis to shift any of the blame onto the other woman - while her behavior is equally disgusting, she is not responsible for his actions.

 

Again, the act of his cheating is entirely his own fault!! And he is going to have to prove that he can again become a man worthy of you by taking the full weight of that on his shoulders and doing whatever it takes to regain (a reasonable measure of) your trust.

 

Your desire for a direct one-on-one confrontation - to see and measure his reaction - is very good and shows your strength.

 

I wonder about the following. If you can't crack into his Facebook account, would it perhaps be worthwhile (at some point while you are confronting him) to ask him - no, to tell him! - to log in for you? Hopefully he would realize that he has to do whatever you need him to do since, after all, if he doesn't you don't have to let him stay in YOUR house or have the privilege of being married to you - and you can start seeking the information elsewhere simply by picking up the phone and calling the other woman's husband!

 

But I guess the FB account is just one thing that may or may not be of much importance. The thought of having him open it for you is just an example of the fact that he is going to have to be transparent, and he is going to have to understand that anything he does in way of cover up (you know, the "I didn’t want to hurt you by having you see that since it didn't really mean anything" crap) is going to be a major setback to recovery.

 

By the way, I personally think (as others have said) that at some point you should contact the other woman's husband.

 

I hope you can get some sleep. My sympathies.

Edited March 21, 2011 by AbeNormal

[whichwayisup]

No. He likes her, he fantasizes about her, but he's ambivalent. He made the "date" to meet up with her at the boy scout thing but then chickened out because he knew it was wrong. He was afraid of falling off the slippery slope.

 

My guess is that he's incredibly frustrated sexually. There's a lot of repression of sexual things between husbands and wives because of the whole "madonna" complex. He wants to "do things" sexually that he's afraid to open up about with you, so he expresses these fantasies to the office bimbo. The reason it was him doing all the talking was that his sexual fantasy motor is on overdrive.

 

A clue to the repression was your statement that you couldn't believe some of the things he was suggesting to her, they sounded really dirty to you.

 

I think among the other stuff you need to do, you really need to open up your marriage sexually speaking, with each other that is. IOW you know what his fantasies are, because you've read them, so now you get to BE his fantasy girl, that is if you want to be, but you need to be, so you should want to be.

 

Do you have what it takes to be that fantasy woman? Listen, there are worse things then getting a tongue up the butt. (Or whatever he was talking about that grossed you out.)

 

Like someone else tried to do. Try to put her H's choices on her and blame HER for this. Such crap.

 

This isn't helping. Sorry to put down your advice but I don't see how she should change and become a sex tiger in bed, try what fantasies her H wants to save her marriage.

[spice4life]

No. He likes her, he fantasizes about her, but he's ambivalent. He made the "date" to meet up with her at the boy scout thing but then chickened out because he knew it was wrong. He was afraid of falling off the slippery slope.

 

My guess is that he's incredibly frustrated sexually. There's a lot of repression of sexual things between husbands and wives because of the whole "madonna" complex. He wants to "do things" sexually that he's afraid to open up about with you, so he expresses these fantasies to the office bimbo. The reason it was him doing all the talking was that his sexual fantasy motor is on overdrive.

 

A clue to the repression was your statement that you couldn't believe some of the things he was suggesting to her, they sounded really dirty to you.

 

 

I think among the other stuff you need to do, you really need to open up your marriage sexually speaking, with each other that is. IOW you know what his fantasies are, because you've read them, so now you get to BE his fantasy girl, that is if you want to be, but you need to be, so you should want to be.

 

Do you have what it takes to be that fantasy woman? Listen, there are worse things then getting a tongue up the butt. (Or whatever he was talking about that grossed you out.)

 

The key is do something and not blame someone else for the issues. He needs to take responsibility too. The person on the outside has nothing to do with the issues between the two of you. Keeping them in the mix of your problems is not going to solve the issue that exists in the marriage. Cut that off and let it go and meet your own issues face to face and go from there.

[spice4life]

Is the OW being used unbeknownst to her to solve the sexual issues in this marriage? That's strange. Even if it is being used under the guise of therapy. Someone should tell her so she has a choice.

[dreamingoftigers]

 

My guess is that he's incredibly frustrated sexually. There's a lot of repression of sexual things between husbands and wives because of the whole "madonna" complex. He wants to "do things" sexually that he's afraid to open up about with you, so he expresses these fantasies to the office bimbo. The reason it was him doing all the talking was that his sexual fantasy motor is on overdrive.

 

I think among the other stuff you need to do, you really need to open up your marriage sexually speaking, with each other that is. IOW you know what his fantasies are, because you've read them, so now you get to BE his fantasy girl, that is if you want to be, but you need to be, so you should want to be.

 

Do you have what it takes to be that fantasy woman? Listen, there are worse things then getting a tongue up the butt. (Or whatever he was talking about that grossed you out.)

 

Chances are, if she is like most wives, she has been pretty open. The prudish wife IMO is usually construct of the WS own shame. Not her reactions if he were to actually express things to her. Early on in my own relationship, I asked my H about his fantasies and made myself pretty available that way, he told me some minor things and I was actually a little disappointed (I am way kinkier then him, even still). Truth is, he couldn't be honest with me and I got to find out what he was into by catching him cheating and lying. He just 'couldn't tell me' and it was stuff he didn't want to do with me because 'I am his wife.'

 

Guys are often messed up like this. He has more issues then the UN though. Counseling in progress.

 

Like someone else tried to do. Try to put her H's choices on her and blame HER for this. Such crap.

 

This isn't helping. Sorry to put down your advice but I don't see how she should change and become a sex tiger in bed, try what fantasies her H wants to save her marriage.

 

It actually sounds like her H should be doing more to fulfill her fantasy of a faithful husband instead of her trying to fill his online skankiness.

 

Slow down amigo, I didn't blame the OP for her husband's philandering. But, hoping 2 heal nailed it much better than me, her post has 100% insight into this situation. It's a little out of the ordinary because I think for once we are actually seeing a time slice of a proto-affair that hasn't quite gotten there yet and therefore the cheater can be pulled back from the slippery slope. Possibly.

 

Most of the time what we see is the aftermath where the full fledged affair has already happened. I think there's a good possibility not yet in this case.

 

TBH, it doesn't matter all that much, once you cross into Betrayal Land, you don't U-turn easily.

 

She doesn't have to become a sex tiger. She needs to help him be able to express his sexual fantasies to her, rather than another woman, and not feel ashamed of those fantasies. No, he needs to help himself do that, and now he has made it 10x harder.

 

She also has to be at least willing to consider trying some of them (which I actually think she probably might be). No, she doesn't have to anything, especially now.

 

And, if possible, she needs to open up and express her fantasies to him. Like having a faithful husband?

 

Hoping 2 heal said her Aha moment was when the OP mentioned something disgusting her h had txted to the other woman. I think I got the same gist from that.

 

Is the OW being used unbeknownst to her to solve the sexual issues in this marriage? That's strange. Even if it is being used under the guise of therapy. Someone should tell her so she has a choice.

 

No kidding. And that's what makes it..... betrayal, which is way more important then H feeling sad because he can't 'put a tongue up someone's butt' or whatever.

 

Now you know how your husband feels.

 

That's pretty sadistic, maybe she should find her own play partner so he can feel how she feels now.

 

 

You know every one of these stories of a cheating husband seems to have a conveniently available OW in it. I'm not a cheater, but is it really that EASY? You just make it known you are looking to cheat, and a skank drops in your lap? It's always someone in the same office, or a neighbor, or a youth sports coach, or a teacher, or an inlaw, why is true cheatin' love always available so darn close by?

 

Why does your wife always bang your best friend? Why does your best friend always bang your wife? Does it always have to be that way?

 

One would assume that to find true love you might have to go to the ends of the Earth, but cheaters never seem to bother. In fact most of the time they don't even bother going to the next town over.

 

One of life's great mysteries. I guess when the soup is warm.....

[Minnie09]

Like someone else tried to do. Try to put her H's choices on her and blame HER for this. Such crap.

 

This isn't helping. Sorry to put down your advice but I don't see how she should change and become a sex tiger in bed, try what fantasies her H wants to save her marriage.

 

Agreed. Plus, hidden "friendships", or As (more accurately), are rarely about the sex itself. If they were, and OP's H's unfulfilled sexual needs were that dominant, he would simply pay for a hooker or watch porn every day. EAs and such are more about ego-strokes, and IME it doesn't really matter WHAT the subjects are that are being discussed with the AP, it's more the fact that they ARE being discussed and explored in secrecy. That's what people involved in As thrive on. Secrecy and ego-boosts. It's about inventing yourself new and presenting yourself to someone else than your spouse as someone exciting and interesting. That's what should be addressed during the recovery period, IF there is something to be recovered. OPs H has to take a close look at himself. I bet it's not about his sex fantasies at all.

[hoping2heal]

Agreed. Plus, hidden "friendships", or As (more accurately), are rarely about the sex itself. If they were, and OP's H's unfulfilled sexual needs were that dominant, he would simply pay for a hooker or watch porn every day. EAs and such are more about ego-strokes, and IME it doesn't really matter WHAT the subjects are that are being discussed with the AP, it's more the fact that they ARE being discussed and explored in secrecy. That's what people involved in As thrive on. Secrecy and ego-boosts. It's about inventing yourself new and presenting yourself to someone else than your spouse as someone exciting and interesting. That's what should be addressed during the recovery period, IF there is something to be recovered. OPs H has to take a close look at himself. I bet it's not about his sex fantasies at all.

 

I am surprised by this post. Based on what information we have been provided I see nothing to suggest this is emotional at ALL. In fact, based on the information given by Mrs. X, I would say he is dealing with some complex sexuality issues. I think this man has a battle between what he believes is right on the sexuality front, and what he believes is wrong and shameful but is experiencing the backlash of repression. I think your H loves you and believes that treating you in the way he has these secret desires would be degrading and wrong Mrs. X, and I think there is no significant emotional attachment to this woman at all nor respect, he is using her as a masturbation aid like you would pornography or a sex toy.

 

I know that sounds very crude. He is on a slippery slope but at least for now his conscience is reigning. He is rationalizing certain behavior and with time it could get worse but thankfully this has been caught early. I hope he will open to you about where this is coming from, when it has started, etc.

[NoIDidn't]

I am surprised by this post. Based on what information we have been provided I see nothing to suggest this is emotional at ALL. In fact, based on the information given by Mrs. X, I would say he is dealing with some complex sexuality issues. I think this man has a battle between what he believes is right on the sexuality front, and what he believes is wrong and shameful but is experiencing the backlash of repression. I think your H loves you and believes that treating you in the way he has these secret desires would be degrading and wrong Mrs. X, and I think there is no significant emotional attachment to this woman at all nor respect, he is using her as a masturbation aid like you would pornography or a sex toy.

 

I know that sounds very crude. He is on a slippery slope but at least for now his conscience is reigning. He is rationalizing certain behavior and with time it could get worse but thankfully this has been caught early. I hope he will open to you about where this is coming from, when it has started, etc.

 

Actually, we've seen nothing to suggest that this thread is about the husband's sexual repression either. Someone made that up based on what MrsX said he was saying in chats. LOL. Talk about going off topic.

 

At the end of the day there is a very inappropriate relationship developing and very much like the post you responded to. He's getting his ego stroked and is likely pretending to be something he is not (as the OW said, running hot and cold). I agree with the previous poster about the emotional part here. No one is saying that they are deeply in love, but that he is developing an emotional response to this potential MW/OW and likes the attention she is giving him for now. That's the only information we can deduce from the OP regarding emotions.

 

He's got a lot on his plate with his mom being ill. I'm not saying this to let him off the hook, its just that its common for affairs of all types to occur around stress points in relationships.

 

OP I hope you were able to speak with your husband today. And Welcome to LS...unfortunately.

[hoping2heal]

Actually' date=' we've seen nothing to suggest that this thread is about the husband's sexual repression either. Someone made that up based on what MrsX said he was saying in chats. LOL. Talk about going off topic.[/quote']

 

Really? The op mentions that the kinds of things he is saying has never been said to her. She also mentions that he has never been the hanging from the chandaliers kind of guy sexually. I am sure it was shocking for her to see this not just because of the nature of what he was doing but also because she did not recognize the man talking. To say it is off topic and pulled out of thin air, no I really cannot hardly agree with that. He is visiting some new place sexually and doing so in the context of a fantasy. Maybe it is sexual repression and maybe it is something else, but when you do not even recognize of the man you are married too that should be some indicator that they have something inside them they have never shared with you.