Shocked....found chat on husband's computer

[MrsX]

I'm a wreck right now and I hope I can get this all out.

 

My husband & I have been married just about 10 years, 3 kids, everything seemed fine...no major passion like in the beginning and sometimes we joke we are like roommates, but we seemed happy enough with our family and life.

 

Late last evening we get a call that MIL has had a serious health issue. My husband immediately drives two hours to see her; I'm staying home with the kids until we know what's going on (kids are too young for hospital). Things are not good, he stays at his brother's place last night and tonight.

 

So I am having a problem with my laptop, go onto his computer about 7am this morning before kids are up. Computer had been in hibernation but I discover an unclosed chat window...the word "titties" catches my eye, and from the chat name I can see it is a female coworker/friend of his. Never met her, but heard her name casually - they are FB friends, I have seen them interact, never raised a flag. She is married with kids also.

 

So now I read the chat. Basically, they've had some sort of flirtatious thing going on...both like each other, but don't want to betray their spouses (my h "loves me, I am so good to him, doesn't want to hurt me"). Both agree that despite their sexual chemistry they are never going to act on it. There is reference to some conversation (phone?) a month or two ago that clearly had to have been sexual in nature....she mentions how he is "hot and cold," flirts one minute, ignores her the next. She lays it on thick about how he is handsome and funny blah blah blah....he tells her how cute it is when she says these things.

 

Then there is discussion of our sex life (the frequency of which is downplayed by him); it seems like they've discussed it before. He also tells her things which he claims that I do not know (regarding to his sexual past)! Whether they are true or not I don't know.

 

Then comes the graphic part...where he describes all sorts of explicit oral sex things....she does not give it back as explicitly, but keeps the ball up in the air so to speak. I have never known him to be such a fan of giving oral sex. And one of the things he said is so filthy I can't get it out of my head (and I am no prude) And he asks her about positions. And if she has her vibrator.... Then it sort of stops for a while and there doesn't seem to be a culmination (orgasm??).

 

So then she says something about isn't this cheating and he says "ha ha I don't think so." And he says something about how she knows he is all talk and she agrees. And he talks about her "titties." And she says it's a shame he's never going to see them in real life.

 

At this point he must've been disrupted by the phone. I am in absolute shock...I sent the kids to a neighbor's in the afternoon and combed the net and found this board. I don't know what to do. I am not even angry right now, because I am in a state of disbelief. I cannot believe this. I don't know if they've had physical sex; it doesn't seem like it, but this almost seems worse!

 

I have spoken to him twice; he is so preoccupied with MIL that I don't think it's crossed his mind that he didn't close out. I love MIL and I wouldn't say something about this over the phone....but I know I am going to see him in a day or two and I don't know what to do. If we fight and the kids hear and find out they will be devastated, and if I make him leave?

 

What do I do? I am too embarrassed to tell anyone but you strangers....I can't believe this. Even if they never had/have sex, I can't imagine that he would do this. Could it possibly be "all talk?"

 

Please give advice. I am a mess. FWIW, I do know that his mother is truly ill and he is there with her. For a minute, I wondered if he wasn't off in the Bahamas with this girl.

Edited March 20, 2011 by MrsX
Fixing spelling

[confusedhere]

Oh MrsX, I am fairly new here myself. But reading your post and your desperation - I totallly understand where you're at. And I would also be upset about all that "talk" despite there not being anything physical. I'm still more concerned about whether I can move past my husband's emotional affair, as opposed to a supposed one night stand.

 

All I can say is what others have told me. Take a breath, and take your time to figure stuff out.

 

I know it makes it worse that you have to delay talking to him about this. If you're anything like me when I found out about my husband's affair, then you will be probably be unable to eat or sleep, and you'll barely function. I'm still not sure I'm functioning much 6 weeks later. But hang in there, and I wish you well.

[MrsX]

I expect to wake up from this.

 

Honestly, I think having this happen amidst a crisis is what is keeping me from losing it. Thinking about MIL's life makes me feel like this isn't as "important" right now. I mean, obviously I know it is VERY IMPORTANT....but my head is just in many places....trying to balance how much kids should know about grandma, who may die....trying not to let kids sense my upset about Daddy b/c they'll think Grandma is worse than I am saying. I've felt nauseous for the last 17 hours straight.

 

Sorry to ramble, thanks for letting me know there is someone else out there like me.

[dreamingoftigers]

Give yourself some time, if he needs to leave for you to have that then so be it.

 

Don't rush anything. Just be super-patient with yourself and take it easy.

 

I would expose the two of them to work, but that's just me. And let that woman's husband know. That would clip their little dalliance right quick.

[MrsX]

This is probably petty, but what practically upsets me the most is that the bulk of the x-rated talk was him talking about what he wants to do to her....I would expect a man to be the opposite, wanting to hear what is going to be done to him. I never thought that he was that dissatisfied, or that he could be so strongly attracted to someone else that he says things I have NEVER heard in my life with him.

 

I really need to try to sleep. This is starting to sink in.

[whichwayisup]

Seems they are ego stroking and getting alot of fun out of it on the expense of you and her husband. Atleast as far as you know they haven't got together and let "it" happen for real.. Yet. That is the next phase though and it's good you found out now.

 

Sorry to hear about your MIL.

 

The timing really sucks. Do you tell him that you know or wait.... My suggestion is, don't do anything quite yet but keep an eye on him.

 

In the meantime, find out what you can about this woman. Her full name, her husband's name, etc.. Just get information so when the timing is better or when you feel up to it, you're prepared when you do talk to him. (When you do plan to talk to him, don't have the kids home, send them to a friends place for the day or for a sleepover, this way they aren't exposed to any hostility and fighting.)

[whichwayisup]

This is probably petty, but what practically upsets me the most is that the bulk of the x-rated talk was him talking about what he wants to do to her....I would expect a man to be the opposite, wanting to hear what is going to be done to him. I never thought that he was that dissatisfied, or that he could be so strongly attracted to someone else that he says things I have NEVER heard in my life with him.

 

I really need to try to sleep. This is starting to sink in.

 

Then it seems like it's fantasy. He is getting off on the thrill of it, the what if's.. He can say anything because chances are (as of now) nothing is happening and from what you've said, he's hot/cold with her so he really may not have any real intention of letting something happen. Though having sexually charged chats is not good.

 

It's exciting and new for him, a huge ego feed. Even more so since you said in your first post that you two joke about being roommates..He selfishly is using this other woman as much as she's using him, to get what he isn't getting from you. This isn't your fault, it's a flaw inside of him that he isn't making efforts with you.

[seren]

Hi Mrs X,

Hope your MIL is getting better. How frustrating for you to not be able to have it out with your H now, don't know if I could or that I would be so understanding. That you are shows how compassionate you are. What he is doing is wrong, you know this, I would also say that it needs sorting as it sounds like a step up to a full blown A. It also sounds like an ego stroke for them both. I think I would tell him I had to use his computer, I might drop it in the conversation. I also know that I would text the OW, no matter how much I wouldn't want to, I know I would, I would tell her just what I thought of her sexting and that I was printing it all off or saving it onto my computer so I could tell her H. In that way, I would be getting some control over things.

 

Only you know when the time is right to have the talk with your H, possibly if he knows you have used his computer he will realise you might know and bring it up himself. Either way, the talk has to be done and done soon. Very often the sexting means nothing, it is an outlet, it's one of the reasons I hate mobile phones and emails, very few would say IRL what they say on a computer or via text. Thing is, your and his relationship is real, it is face to face, so he wouldn't say those things to you, he probably has more respect for you anyway.

 

What to do? What do you want to do? If your marriage is getting everyday, then perhaps you both need to make time for you both. You can have passion in a marriage, it just takes work. What do you want?

[dreamingoftigers]

This is probably petty, but what practically upsets me the most is that the bulk of the x-rated talk was him talking about what he wants to do to her....I would expect a man to be the opposite, wanting to hear what is going to be done to him. I never thought that he was that dissatisfied, or that he could be so strongly attracted to someone else that he says things I have NEVER heard in my life with him.

 

I really need to try to sleep. This is starting to sink in.

 

I know this pain and grief, I am so sorry.

 

I know my H was like that too! I wanted for variety, frequency etc. in bed and then off he talks to other women about stuff I would have killed for him to say to me!

 

some men just have no sexual/emotional IQ!

[spackle]

I know this pain and grief, I am so sorry.

 

I know my H was like that too! I wanted for variety, frequency etc. in bed and then off he talks to other women about stuff I would have killed for him to say to me!

 

some men just have no sexual/emotional IQ!

 

what concerns me is that he doesn't see it as wrong.

 

most people don't till they get caught and have to face the consequences of their actions.

[Spark1111]

Mrs. X, fBs here.....

 

Please bide your time, as excrutiating as this will be, and continue to gather evidence of other chats, emails, etc.

 

The reason for this is unless you conclusive proof, and you do have some, people experiencing the emotional high of this will lie, deny, tell you you are crazy, nothing is going on, blah, blah, blah...

 

This is called gaslighting and it IS crazy-making. It will make YOU crazy.

 

So get your ducks in a row, print out everything you can and make copies of it to store in a safe place.

 

Gather all the information regarding this woman too!

 

because this will turn into a physical affair. This is the sexual tension building part of it.

 

Obviously, your MIL and her health take precedence right now and now may not be the best time.

 

But I guarantee he will contact her again as she provides a huge diversion to his life right now, and the more stress he is under, the greater his need will be for this diversion she provides.

 

This is not about you! Remember that!

 

Stay strong. I wish you peace.

[Spark1111]

PS....if you can, find a time, maybe when he returns home and fall asleep, to check his text messages on his cell phone.

 

See if there has been contact for the days he has been at his brother's home and at the hospital.

[MrsX]

Thank you to the person who said I am compassionate, though I think it is undeserved...I was brought up to be non-confrontational. Part of me is relieved this isn't a "good time."

 

I have been wondering why no one has replied to a certain part of my OP, only to realize in my haste I didn't include it.

 

Evidently, last weekend he told her he'd stop by a park where her son was having a scouting event. I know from their chat and b/c he had to go to a specific type of store that is across from a county park where they have such events frequently that is about 20 mins away. He did not go though. She mentioned it in chat, he just said he was there too late and drove by and the scouts were gone.

 

This disturbs me b/c- WHY would he have planned to go? Obviously it's a public place, so no sex would occur....but WHY? And then he never went (though he did go to the store).

 

I'm concerned that it's not just that this is a "fantasy" but that he's working his way up to more...maybe he didn't see her, but he said he would. Maybe next time he will be on time? And the whole hot-cold comment from her? It makes me think he really does like her, but probably guilt makes him "cold" but he seems to then get "hot" again.

 

And what if I never found this? Would they get physical? Or would they just have this "friendship" for years that I never knew about?

 

I am afraid that when I confront him, he will say what he needs to downplay it (I do not think from what I read that they are in love or he will want to leave)...but how can I ever trust him? They see each other at work, she may come on strong...who knows.

 

OTOH, maybe he is disrespectful jerk who not only disrespects me & our family, but also this other woman (please don't think I am defending her); if he doesn't really like her and is just using and lying to get a cheap thrill, then what kind of person am I married to??? I am overthinker if you couldn't tell by now.

 

I am taking the kids to lunch and a movie...I cannot sit here in the house all day.

 

Thank you all for taking your personal time to read and respond....I have printed the chat, and haven't found anything more. I'm not computer expert though. I know her full name...I am considering trying to log into his FB (I prob could figure out the password) tonight to check those messages as well as her page...he will have to go to work tomorrow for a time but will be staying at brother's tonight very early so once the kids go to bed I will have some private time.

[imagine]

Share the email notes with her husband. Work together in correlating the evidence.

 

Right now this relationship is an emotional affair. Regardless of your husbands track record, they all become aliens. Never tell them that you are going to expose, just do it.

 

Please understand that your husband will become angry that the game is up. Change the subject and do not engage the subject. You are saving your marriage -this is all he needs to know!

 

You may require medication to regulate your anxiety. Go to a doctor.

 

Try to always be positive in his company, crying should be done in private. Vent here if you need to.... There are many folks here that have walked in your shoes that are pleased to give assistance.

 

Meanwhile, put a decent keylogger on your husbands computer. Some say Spectrapro - I have no experience, ask the others.

[spackle]

mrsx.

 

you have a lot of maybe's to handle all completely understandable. thoughts are with you.

[Steadfast]

what concerns me is that he doesn't see it as wrong.

 

On the contrary, he knows it's wrong. That's why it's so much fun. It is cheating, and to understand cheating one must better understand the cheater.

 

Keep in mind this woman's husband; he's in the same boat you are. That family is is peril too.

 

Sexual desire is normal...it's how one deals with it that makes all the difference. Knowing that, the root of the problem is your husband's total lack of respect for you, your marriage and your family. Including your children. You could do real damage here...react in a way that many others have and put at risk both the physical and mental well being of not only him, but your children. Just watch the evening news; it happens everyday.

 

It's a risk he's (obviously) willing to take, but I'll bet he's sure you won't do that. You're an adult.

 

He's counting on the fact that you won't find out, at least, until he's ready to tell you. Then, he's counting on your loving, forgiving nature to go easy on him. He is like a child, playing his nasty little game behind your back. But even if you do find out, it'll be OK. You are so loving! So forgiving! The kids! He'll be sorry. It'll be OK.

 

Many people, especially cheaters, don't really know what they're losing until it's gone. At this point, your husband is seriously taking you for granted and that is the root of the problem. Mark any efforts of trying to shame or force him into being a good, loyal and loving husband a total fail. He will only do that if he truly wants to. If he feels you are trying to control him and his actions expect a total meltdown. He'll end it, or you will because he can't be trusted. No love exists then.

 

Like a child, your husband will only do what's right if he truly desires to, or if he believes it is what's best for everyone. The love and devotion he (should) have for you and his family comes from a maturity forged with appreciation. He must fix him, then regain your trust. Or, you boot him out and hope to meet a man who feels the same way about marriage and trust that you do.

 

Without both of you pulling the rope together, and for the same reasons, the marriage will fail. In the same way, if a spouse doesn't cheat simply because they fear the consequences, then they'll cheat if they are sure they won't be caught. A truly good, lasting and fulfilling marriage consists of two people who love and respect each other...even when no one is looking.

 

Strive for that.

 

Good luck, and keep us posted-

Edited March 20, 2011 by Steadfast

[dreamingoftigers]

If he has made arrangements to stop by a scouting event then you should really let her husband know.

 

That is sick and he shouldn't be anywhere around her kid, totally inappropriate.

 

All in One keylogger pro worked wonders for me last year.

 

You may just need to boot him, (albeit perhaps temporarily) his word will count for nothing at this point. Sorry to say but it took me almost 2 years to accept that.

[hopesndreams]

I do know that his mother is truly ill

 

So does the MOW. This is the perfect "opportunity" for them to take it to the next level, if they haven't already. Keep in mind, those that cheat, are weak, selfish cowards. It's all about them. How you think or feel doesn't come into play really and if it did, it is so miniscule it is overlooked, ignored and/or easily justifiable on why you and their children don't matter.

 

What they are doing is about fun, excitement, a relief from their boring lives. Two people, married to others, "getting it on" with each other, whether through chats, email, long phone conversations, cozy lunch breaks from work, sneaking around to kiss behind the bushes, however they could find the time to be together, however they can. The best part? It's all a secret! What their spouses don't know won't hurt them type of mentality. The next step is they feel they "fell in love", it just couldn't be helped and they are so sad (boohoo) that others MUST get hurt for them to be together. Families broken. Happens every single day, all over the globe.

 

You are a very sensitive and forgiving person. Sadly, this will be your downfall. The more time you sit on this without confronting your H with what you know, the more chance for those 2 cheats to fall deeply, madly in love. (IF they haven't already).

 

What to do? It is terrible his mum is sick BUT you have just received information that is equally as devastating. Equally. Not more so, not less so...equally. Will his mum pull through? Will your marriage?

 

Expose. A's thrive in secrecy. Get the word out, do the 180, start now. It could be the ONLY thing that might save your M. Don't give these married work buddies any chance to develop their "relationship" with your blessing (by not exposing).

Edited March 20, 2011 by hopesndreams

[SoleMate]

Just one thought....the MIL is authentically sick, and the WH may authentically be at her bedside in a faroff town, 12-16 hours per day. I'll take the above as a given.

 

Still....there is a big window of opportunity, for his EAP (emotional affair partner) to come and spend the night with him in a motel. So let's not assume that they can't be together right now.

[dreamingoftigers]

I do know that his mother is truly ill

 

So does the MOW. This is the perfect "opportunity" for them to take it to the next level, if they haven't already. Keep in mind, those that cheat, are weak, selfish cowards. It's all about them. How you think or feel doesn't come into play really and if it did, it is so miniscule it is overlooked, ignored and/or easily justifiable on why you and their children don't matter.

 

What they are doing is about fun, excitement, a relief from their boring lives. Two people, married to others, "getting it on" with each other, whether through chats, email, long phone conversations, cozy lunch breaks from work, sneaking around to kiss behind the bushes, however they could find the time to be together, however they can. The best part? It's all a secret! What their spouses don't know won't hurt them type of mentality. The next step is they feel they "fell in love", it just couldn't be helped and they are so sad (boohoo) that others MUST get hurt for them to be together. Families broken. Happens every single day, all over the globe.

 

You are a very sensitive and forgiving person. Sadly, this will be your downfall. The more time you sit on this without confronting your H with what you know, the more chance for those 2 cheats to fall deeply, madly in love. (IF they haven't already).

 

What to do? It is terrible his mum is sick BUT you have just received information that is equally as devastating. Equally. Not more so, not less so...equally. Will his mum pull through? Will your marriage?

 

Expose. A's thrive in secrecy. Get the word out, do the 180, start now. It could be the ONLY thing that might save your M. Don't give these married work buddies any chance to develop their "relationship" with your blessing.[/QUOTE]

 

Quite frankly, you are behind them right now. Many on here try to negotiate place nice with their spouses who do this and they get burned badly.

 

The ones I have seen turn it around do not negotiate.

 

I didn't know the monster I was dealing with and things dragged on for two years.

 

Treat it like the physical has already happened and he is leaving you for her. If you don't that is what will happen anyways. Nuke the mosquito before it becomes a vampire. Forgive when he shows you a reason to. Don't be afraid to 'hurt his feelings' over it by cutting him off for awhile. He obviously isn't concerned or aware that he is hurting yours.

 

The only way to deal with a cheater is to play as hard as they are. I am sorry, it's a rough adjustment to make, but you have to draw a hard line and the earlier, the better. Not a threatening hard line, or a reactive one. But a clear one where he makes his choice right away or you make yours, but don't believe whatever hogwash he is going to serve up to you, make him prove it.

 

The burden of proof of whether he wants his family or not is on him now.

 

Expose to her husband immediately.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh yeah, you are still in "why?" mode.

 

Let me tell you for now that you will figure out why but that isn't important right now. Why will not tell you how to deal with the circumstance. I know why is important to you right now, but it really doesn't address anything or change the dynamic.

[TerryW]

If it were me and it has been...I would print out and gather all information that I could and drop it on him as soon as he walks in the door. I think you have caught it before the unthinkable has happened and should be very grateful for that if you want to save the marriage. Don't wait and give them time to go further. Fight (dirty if you have to) for your marriage if you want it. The minute he knows that you know will be the minute it's over between them. Then take all the advice you can get from here. MC, NC, IC, and so forth. But I think you should stop it now. Don't wait to gather evidence. Only do that if you want to leave. If you want to save the marriage fight for it. Good Luck and I've said a prayer for you.

[Snowflower]

If it were me and it has been...I would print out and gather all information that I could and drop it on him as soon as he walks in the door. I think you have caught it before the unthinkable has happened and should be very grateful for that if you want to save the marriage. Don't wait and give them time to go further. Fight (dirty if you have to) for your marriage if you want it. The minute he knows that you know will be the minute it's over between them. Then take all the advice you can get from here. MC, NC, IC, and so forth. But I think you should stop it now. Don't wait to gather evidence. Only do that if you want to leave. If you want to save the marriage fight for it. Good Luck and I've said a prayer for you.

 

I agree that the OP should not wait long...IF she wants to save her marriage.

 

However, OP, you need to have a plan for action once you do confront him. What your H will do if you confront him with the evidence is anyone's guess. If you deliver any ultimatums, you have to be absolutely positive that you can follow through.

 

Otherwise, you run the real risk of your H not taking you seriously and just hiding the affair better from you. You will not be sure what is going on.

 

However, you also need to act quickly before the affair progresses much further. Good luck, sweetie, you will need it!

[Carrot2000]

Even though you can't confront your husband right now, you might want to type the MOW a nice little chat message letting her know that you are aware of what's going on. That'll put a damper on this fantasy they're trying to live out.

[AbeNormal]

EDIT: I've had second thoughts about my post (sending you to some other thread that involves different people), but can't find any way to delete the post! Rather than edit it down, I'll just suggest you think about ignoring it. My apologies.

 

********

 

It is, unfortunately, a good bet that your husband has been in contact with the OW even during his/your time of family crisis. I'm sure you know that any message to her at this time will go directly to him - you need to get your ducks in a row first... As others have mentioned, he's going to try and minimize what has been going on, blame shift, etc.

 

When I read your original post last night, my first instinct was to link to a recent thread in this forum. I decided not to do so since I worried that it would just add to your anxiety and make the prospect of you getting any sleep even less.

 

But I think reading that thread (if you have not already done so) might be worthwhile, even though it will upset you. It will give you insight into how the other woman MIGHT be acting (or viewing things through her fog). He is in his own fog. While the details of the emotional affair might be different (and the people involved are unique), you will be able to see the slide/progression of the activities and just how bad this situation likely is between your husband and the other woman. My guess is that the EA discussed in that thread is still going on - it really is that hard to break without full exposure.

 

One reason I worried about linking to this is because of how negatively the posters paint the intentions of the man – keep in mind that the posters were trying to help the woman break through her fog, but of course they both are to blame (and posters don't really know the details on either side when they respond). Your husband's intentions certainly are not good, but please don't assume a priori that he is the sort of guy being painted in the dark by posters like me in that thread. But at the very minimum, your husband has been acting in a completely disgusting, disrespectful and selfish way. Of course, the same goes for the woman. His dismissive (rather than concerned) response to the question about whether it is cheating is awful. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=266027

Edited March 20, 2011 by AbeNormal