Three Months of NC..and then

[confusiondancer]

So. Long story short. I was a bad boyfriend. She had good reason for breaking up with me.

 

Three months ago I decided that...I couldn't keep going on suffering. So I intiated no contact. Threw myself into work. Judo, boxing. Hobbies that kept me off the grid so to speak. Eventually, whenever I did get time to get back online. She wasn't there. And till now. Hasn't been. I suffered quite a lot in the first month and a half. Things then got better. Lately. I've been fine. Not good. Not bad. But work was going well. I was looking a lot better due to my new hobbies. And I felt good about myself again. Wasn't a day that went by I didn't think about her. But. This time last week. I had accepted what had happened. I was ready to move on.

 

Tonight, I'm just browsing. Chatting. And then...out of the blue. She pops on. I imagined that she'd blocked me. She waited for awhile, I assume she was waiting for me to intiate convo but...I stuck to my guns. So..then she starts it. Shes friendly. Offers a truce. Doesn't want any bad air. I stuck to one word answers. Ended the convo quickly. She tried to talk again. I didn't respond.

 

I don't know whether to talk or not.

 

But what bothers me the most is just what this did to me. I'm a shaking, tear jerked wreck and I feel like I'm going to be sick. I feel like I'm back to point A. Confused. Hurting. I don't know what to do now. Advice from where to go would be appreciated.

[Audieme]

Hi Confusiondancer. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. When we think we finally have it all together, only then are we hit with a brick of emotional turmoil after seeing/talking to an ex-loved one. Can you give us a little more information about her? What is she like as a person? Is she one to play games or mess with your emotions? Is she a genuine person, decent enough? Do you trust her? By the language of your post (albeit brief), I'm kinda getting the latter vibe.

 

My boyfriend of 3 years was also a "bad boyfriend." The relationship, in my opinion, had gone on long enough. I broke it off after a "last straw" and he initiated NC immediately. I understood and accepted the NC as part of the healing for both of us, but it was still devastating. It was not until a couple of weeks had past that I felt okay about the breakup; it was the right decision for both of us and I wished good things for him. However, a day didn't go by without a thought or two about him. About a month and a half into NC, I contacted him (once by email and once by text) for the possibility of a truce and a friendship. He has yet to respond, and I now doubt he will anytime soon. I don't take offense; I figure he'll decide if/when to contact me and I'll always leave the friendship door open (while I'm moving on with my life). I feel strong now, but who knows what will happen when I speak with him again. I may have a false sense of self, especially after reading your post.

 

What do YOU want, Confusiondancer? Do you want a friendship with her, now or in the future? Judging by your emotional reaction after contact, you are not over the relationship (but you seem rational and strong). Do you want a second chance with her? Does she know how you feel? Tell us a bit more about yourself...

[betterdeal]

Your fear response says to me that you've not healed your emotional wounds. Healing those has to be your number one priority. Unfortunately, there is no one true way for doing that, but recognising the response is a good step in the right direction.

 

In my opinion, being afraid of someone (who isn't an axe-wielding manic running at you down the street) is a sign that you haven't disengaged your inner child from that person. This presents an opportunity for personal growth. It's great that you've been doing exercise and getting into your work. Now may be time to start exploring the idea of the inner child and working on that too.

 

I found hypnotherapy very useful for dispelling lots of past fears and becoming more confident in myself. Having dealt with those, I've been able to meet my ex and remain myself, without fear of her, and to be able to recognise when to step away, when to accept we are different and in different places, and not be afraid to say that to my inner self.

[Frank13]

 

But what bothers me the most is just what this did to me. I'm a shaking, tear jerked wreck and I feel like I'm going to be sick. I feel like I'm back to point A. Confused. Hurting. I don't know what to do now. Advice from where to go would be appreciated.

 

This is another example of why NC means NC. If you were determined to go NC, why did you even have the ability to see she was online and for her to contact you?

 

Also, the main purpose of NC is for you to heal, with a smaller possibility of the ex comming back. It is not to be friends or to call a truce and you should not have let her suck you into that. Unless she said she wanted you back and you wanted her back, you not only should have ignored her, you should have had her blocked so you wouldn't even know she was online. You see where this got you.

 

It doesn't sound like you want, or can handle a friendship because that is what she offered and you are back to square one. All she is doing in throwing you breadcrumbs to relieve her guilt. If she isn't feeling guilty, why would she ask for a truce? Once you agree to a truce or friendship, it will relive her guilt and she will be able to move on without looking back and you will most likely never hear from her again.

 

I feel your only option is back to strict NC. You won't be able to have a friendship with her until you are over her, and once you are over her, you won't want or need a friendship with her.

[confusiondancer]

First off thanks for the replies.Lets see..

 

Audieme

 

What is she like? Well shes a good person at heart I believe ( yeah, that sounds like I'm going to move onto bad things but..really I'm not). Shes a single mother, been jerked around a lot by guys. I guess I was just the latest one. Shes strong, hard. Something I knew but..only really found out when it turned on me. When the time came for her to call it off....I saw a totally different side of her. Cold. Cruel. Harsh. She wasn't manipulative, just utterly unrelenting in her complete and utter rejection of me. I understood why, what happened had happened.

 

But I didn't understand just how a person could go from the most loving person I've ever known to...that. I suppose thats the result of her past. Hurt so much that when it looks as if its coming up on the horizon again...draw bridge is raised, gates are closed. And her heart is completely closed off.

 

Now for me..well. Military, elitist family. My parents were wealthy but, don't think that made me a spoiled brat. Quite the opposite. I got £1.50 for lunch. If I wanted to buy something, then I'd have to cut out the money from that. That was the lesson drilled into me from the get go. If you want something badly enough. You'll endure hunger and worse to get it. I wasn't allowed to be lazy with my studies, or anything else. Emotionally my parents, and family were never great though. It was a crime to have a heart with them. And its been one of my problems ever since.

 

Much like my ex, I've been jerked around by girls a lot. Cheated on. Lied to. Manipulated.Used. Long story short I've had the worst of the bunch and I came through it with a sceptical set of rules. Rules that, for this girl. I broke. She ticked the box of practically everything I'd promised myself not to date. And I did it anyways. I didn't regret it then, but now...not so sure.

 

I loved her. I liked her son. Guys she had been with before were only really interested in her, but...I made an effort with the little guy. Played games with him, even got involved in his school study. Made a few text books that made studying into a game. Ben10 and Doctor Who themed lol. Help save the world from the aliens and the evil alphabetron. Stuff like that. It was weird but. All of that gave me a sense of...belonging. Acceptance. Like...I'd found the place I was needed. The place I'd been searching for.

 

Losing that destroyed me more than I can ever describe. There aren't really words for it.

 

I used to be confident. Funny. I had a sense of pride. Now I'm shy, hesitant. Withdrawn. I've moved from the view of an eagle to that of a worm. And part of me is ashamed that I'm letting this happen. Family wern't great in helping me get over it. In fact they were probably counter productive. They mocked me about the whole thing, after the situation mocking got boring. They'd mock me whenever I was overly quiet, or if I ever lost my cool and got emotional. I couldn't cry. I couldn't talk about it. I felt like I was in a box, trapped....but I got tired of that box. Kicked my way out of it and began to fill up my time.

 

Threw myself into work and hobbies. Established NC. And resisted looking at her facebook and such.

 

As for your last question, what do I want from her? From this? In January, hell. Febuary my answer would be a quick and immediete. I want her back. But now? I don't know. I'm not the same man she fell in love with. And I doubt shes the same girl I did. And honestly I'm not sure I even want to bother exploring that fact. I suffered a **** load these past few months. And honestly I'm not sure ANYTHING is worth even the remote risk of going through that again.

 

So short answer. Do I still love her? Yes. Do I still want her? Not sure.

 

Betterdeal

 

I suppose that is an idea. Honestly last night I knew the way I was reacting was like a camper facing down a pack of wolves with little more than a plastic spork and his own soiled underwear. I was terrified. I'm thinking though that perhaps it was fear of not knowing just what was going to happen. A lot of situations ran through my head in the past few months.

 

Fear of whatever happening. Wasn't going to be how I wanted. Fear of that ultimate rejection. Ultimate end.

 

Frank13

 

Gotta say I agree with you on every point. As for why I didn't block her on msn. Well I suppose part of me wanted to leave that little window open. But I recognise that was a mistake, should have stayed away till I'd healed.

[confusiondancer]

Ok so been three days since first contact ( such a nerd) kept up the NC thing. She hasn't messaged me either. Suspecting bread crumbs. Not gonna go for it. *sighs*. Still. Its a disappointment.