Spark1111 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I didn't address this comment in the opening post. Not once have I ever seen anyone express it in this way. It sets up a false premise. Also, I didn't notice this was in the Infidelity subforum. Hopefully no one is suggesting that couples must stay together after cheating has happened, for the sake of the children. That's complete and utter bunk. No one who's been cheated on should have to remain in an already broken marriage. If they choose to remain, that's their life and choice although I wouldn't personally recommend the hell that not only the betrayed would have to suffer through but also the children. When someone cheats, they not only cheat on their spouse, they cheat on their children. And that's a fact! Could not agree more! The emotional resources and time! that should be invested into the family is diverted to the AP!
Spark1111 Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 To me, the concept of the parent needing to be happy is more valid in getting out of bad relationships than getting into new ones. What I mean is--if the relationship is bad (abuse, addiction, etc), and the parent is miserable, then that will negatively affect the kids. Better to get out. But happiness is not dependent on having a "perfect" romantic relationship. People can be great parents, and very happy, with no romantic relationship at all--or in "good enough" romantic relationships. I agree that it is a matter of balance, and also of careful consideration of what happiness means, and how it is achieved. As for children modeling what they see....that is true to a point. But children are not limited to what they see. Personally, my marriage is FAR more affectionate than my parents' marriage. My one data point: I did not see hugging and kissing in my parents marriage, but my kids see hugging and kissing in my marriage. Like I said, affection and tenderness is definitely a plus for role-modeling! But consistentcy, kindness and respect, and the ABSENCE of tension have greater impact on kids.
donnamaybe Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Why would you think this was directed at you or had anything to do with some thing you posted? Didn't there used to be another poster who used to make every thread about her...? Yes, it is important that there not be a tense atmosphere or major unhappiness in the household. There needs to be a balance where everyone's happiness is considered. I don't take that to mean that the cheater should just hide the A more carefully either. If the M is awful and cannot be repaired, the parents should divorce and co-parent in a loving, cooperative, and productive way.
silktricks Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I think posting this on the infidelity forum rather than the parenting forum puts the question into the realm of infidelity/divorce, yet the questions posed run much further afield than that. First, in regards to infidelity and/or divorce. I am of the opinion that if people are truly unhappy in their marriage they should divorce. Some unions are simply not meant to be, and spending your life in misery -whether or not one has children - is IMO not good. It's not good for you, and it's not good for your children. I would say the same is true of cheating - not good for you and decidedly not good for your children - regardless of how happy it may make you in the interim However, I am decidedly not of the opinion that a parent should do whatever makes them happy with no consideration for the children they brought into this world. You made the choice to have children, taking care of those children is part of the choice you made. Taking care of them, however, does not mean that their needs and wants are paramount, and should always come before those of the parent - but they should not always come behind, either. It seems to me that as with most things, balance should be the order of the day. Sometimes the parent needs to put the desires of their children first, but it's not good for children to rule the household either, so sometimes the desires of the parent should be put first. IMHO it seems the American child and young adult has a sense of entitlement that is completely out of shape.
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