ShannaB Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I've been reading for little while here and decided to ask the question, to get some feedback, input, etc. Am I overreacting??! I'm divorced, in my 40s and had met a guy 2 years ago online, also divorced, in his 40s. We hit it off, started seeing each other, and of course having sex after about 6 weeks into our relationship. He said to me, that as far as he was concerned we were exclusive... not seeing/sleeping with other people. And if that changed, or we thought it might change, we should tell each other. I was happy with that, ok by me. I closed my profile on this dating website... assumed he would do the same. Not so. I kept checking back, and here we were dating, having sex for about 8 months & his profile was still up & active on a dating website, when HE told me he wanted to be exlcusive. I broke up with him for about a month, and then called him back... (stupid, yes, I know that now) and told him WHY I broke up with him. He told me that at this point he was just on that site for "fun" and liked reading profiles, and he was crazy about me (not "love") and was not trying to replace me. I was over reacting, and furthermore, I made HIM feel like a criminal for even asking him about it. Ok. He closed down his profile, "for me" to make me feel comfortable. So we get back together, and all is moving along now for about another year. One of my single girlfriends answers a personal ad on Craigslist. Guess who? That SOB was running an ad in the personal section on Craigslist looking for a woman, stating that he was single, just out of a relationship (OH REALLY!!) and wanted to meet a nice woman. All the while, he is seeing me, sleeping with me, You get it. I was physically sick when I found out about the ad, I was so ill (and crying) I could not go to work for 2 days. The worst part, my girlfriend told me that she had seen the ad running quite often, for months. This happend about 10 days ago, now. I have been making excuses not to see him until I figure out what to do. I can barely speak to him, I am so pissed. Am I overreacting, or should I kick him to the curb? Is this man a serial cheater?! I know that he cheated on his exwife. I am literally petrified that he's been sleeping with others and think I need to get to the doctor and get all STD tests done! Not to mention how horrible and used I feel. I feel like a total loser. Thoughts, anyone? Thank you.
spackle Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 dump his ass....you want more proof? Have your friend approach him see if he is interested in a bit of NSA fun. Sorry to hear this. Sounds like he was tying you down to him but not him to you.
Confusedalways Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 You're under reacting. He should have no fighting chance to continue to be with you. If you're that concerned, i'd answer the ad on craigslist myself and arrange to meet him, just for the extra zing.
smartblonde Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 And...your not a loser. He's the loser. Don't EVER let anyone else's poor judgement and amoral behaviours bring you down. Have a good cry, clean yourself up and vow that you will never let that loser ruin another day of your life. ((HUGS))
Intricategirl Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Go to the doctor and get the STD tests done. And end things. I wouldn't even bother with an explanation, because it sounds like you are looking for some kind of reason to stay with him. He's done this before, he continues to do it, you thought it might have been a good excuse almost two years ago, but there isn't one now. If you let him talk, he's going to feed you a line. And even thinking that you might be overreacting- I'm not sure you won't accept whatever he tells you. Get out, leave him, be done with him completely and forever. And it does no good to beat yourself up over it. Instead, just find a way to move on and accept that it was lousy and you will pick better next time.
Author ShannaB Posted March 19, 2011 Author Posted March 19, 2011 What really burns me up the most is that HE was the one who made the point of discussing exclusivity. He mentioned it several times, that it was safest... and we could be comfortable with each other, etc. So many things were great with this guy. I felt like I was the best person I could possibly be, and here he is on the side looking for someone else. First time since my divorce that I trusted someone, and this is what happens. I am so disheartened, that the men out there are all liars and cheats.
tincanman99 Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Dump him and walk away. Apparently he has a way with the words and you are eating it up. Just leave this situation, its already a train wreck and its going to turn into an epic train wreck very shortly. Have respect for yourself and leave the situation immediately. Dont believe anything he tells you.
liverpool fc Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 it seems like a good idea to leave. good to get tested and everything but just make sure you dont get angry at him (even though you are) otherwise it willl turn into a big battle
MarlyStar Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 He wanted YOU to be exclusive and told you what you wanted to hear. I'd be tempted to answer his ad and show up. But probably wouldn't. Most likely I'd just go no contact without any warning; eventually (probably?) he'll contact you (I wonder how long that would take, you said it's been 10 days, no contact from him, not a good sign). When he does, and he wants to know what's wrong, I'd tell him, "You know. Don't play games with me." And then go back no contact forever. There's really nothing to discuss. There's nothing to fix. He's a liar and a cheat. As bad as you feel now, you can feel a lot worse if you continue with him. Even if he suddenly realizes how much you mean to him and completely reforms, you will always be anxious about this. It's not worth it. BTW, his accusation and victim game that you make HIM feel like a criminal because you are asking legitimate questions, is a nasty game.
Author ShannaB Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 There has been contact during the last 2 weeks. I told him that my daughter was in town, that I was busy... not entirely true. She was here for 1 day and I had to pull it together to have dinner with her. Of course she asked about the guy I was seeing and I told her that it was not working out and I was probably moving on. Yes I know I have to toughen up. Just never imagined going through this type of high school BS at the age of 44. I have spoken with him about random thing - and he wants to get togehter next week. I am trying to figure out how to handle it. Tell him off, face to face, or just tell him on the phone. Can't guarantee that I won't be a wreck and end up crying. Still in shock, I think. I hate cheaters! And he knows it! That just burns even all the more!
DollyGirl12 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I really feel for you. Went through almost the exact same thing with my exbf. I saw the emails to couples and women that he wrote to on CL. It made me so sick to my stomach. Come to find out he had a past history of doing the same when he was with his previous GF. He always made it sound like she was the one who was the cheater, but I believe they were both doing it to each other. He also made me feel like it was my fault for believing he would do something like that. That I was "psycho". He liked to use that word with me when he would get upset on something I called him on. I purposely burned all bridges by the things I said to him. I was very mean and was acting out of pain and anger. But, never once did I receive any type of apology, there was no remorse or regret shown what so ever. There is something truly wrong with that, in my opinion. It leaves you with that feeling that they didn't give a crap about you. Like your ex, mine always talked about the future. His family did also. Quite honestly, it was one of the most painful experiences I have ever gone through. We have not spoke or have not had any type of communication at all since it happened. Please hang in there.
kurisu Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 dump his sorry ass, that kind of behavior is unforgivable. I dumped my first gf of 1 1/2 years once I learned she was seeing other guys and havent looked back. In the long run I think it's the best choice. Not only will you feel better emotionally (maybe not immediately but soon), but you can know use this opportunity to find someone even better for you.
Ruby Slippers Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Dump him and walk away. Apparently he has a way with the words and you are eating it up. Just leave this situation, its already a train wreck and its going to turn into an epic train wreck very shortly. Have respect for yourself and leave the situation immediately. Dont believe anything he tells you. Agreed. He is scum. Leave his sorry ass and don't ever look back.
codycat Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I've been reading for little while here and decided to ask the question, to get some feedback, input, etc. Am I overreacting??! I'm divorced, in my 40s and had met a guy 2 years ago online, also divorced, in his 40s. We hit it off, started seeing each other, and of course having sex after about 6 weeks into our relationship. He said to me, that as far as he was concerned we were exclusive... not seeing/sleeping with other people. And if that changed, or we thought it might change, we should tell each other. I was happy with that, ok by me. I closed my profile on this dating website... assumed he would do the same. Not so. I kept checking back, and here we were dating, having sex for about 8 months & his profile was still up & active on a dating website, when HE told me he wanted to be exlcusive. I broke up with him for about a month, and then called him back... (stupid, yes, I know that now) and told him WHY I broke up with him. He told me that at this point he was just on that site for "fun" and liked reading profiles, and he was crazy about me (not "love") and was not trying to replace me. I was over reacting, and furthermore, I made HIM feel like a criminal for even asking him about it. Ok. He closed down his profile, "for me" to make me feel comfortable. So we get back together, and all is moving along now for about another year. One of my single girlfriends answers a personal ad on Craigslist. Guess who? That SOB was running an ad in the personal section on Craigslist looking for a woman, stating that he was single, just out of a relationship (OH REALLY!!) and wanted to meet a nice woman. All the while, he is seeing me, sleeping with me, You get it. I was physically sick when I found out about the ad, I was so ill (and crying) I could not go to work for 2 days. The worst part, my girlfriend told me that she had seen the ad running quite often, for months. This happend about 10 days ago, now. I have been making excuses not to see him until I figure out what to do. I can barely speak to him, I am so pissed. Am I overreacting, or should I kick him to the curb? Is this man a serial cheater?! I know that he cheated on his exwife. I am literally petrified that he's been sleeping with others and think I need to get to the doctor and get all STD tests done! Not to mention how horrible and used I feel. I feel like a total loser. Thoughts, anyone? Thank you. Something about this I just don't get. What are the odds that one of your GF'S would answer an ad from your BF? Something seems odd to me. Could it be that your GF just told you that so you 2 would break up. Maybe she doesn't like him. Did you see the ad yourself? Have you spoken with him since your GF told you about seeing the ad? I think you should speak with him and assume he's innocent before kicking him to the curb . Also, as far as checking profiles in single dating sites, I see nothing wrong with that at all. People in general are just curious. It doesn't mean their jumping in and dating.
Author ShannaB Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 Of course I saw the ad. She prints out every ad she responds to so when the guy writes back she knows who it is. My friends are not "shallow" and would not make things of this nature up. Ever read the ads on Craigslist? Not many decent looking ones, and his was written in a somewhat decent manner. Yes I have spoken with him several times, I am not addressing this matter just yet until I decide how to handle it. I think he knows something is up, becuase I let my phone go to voice mail several times this weekend. FYI, when you are a working adult with a profession, a house to maintain, kids to see, kids games to go to, etc., you don't just have time to casually surf the net looking at ads and what not. You have to MAKE the time.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I think you shouldnt meet up with him if you cant hold it together. Since hes been shopping for someone new, maybe email him his own ad and then never answer his calls after that until you can pick up and tell him its over. I think you dont owe him a face to face since hes been shopping and lying to you the whole time.
codycat Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 Of course I saw the ad. She prints out every ad she responds to so when the guy writes back she knows who it is. My friends are not "shallow" and would not make things of this nature up. Ever read the ads on Craigslist? Not many decent looking ones, and his was written in a somewhat decent manner. Yes I have spoken with him several times, I am not addressing this matter just yet until I decide how to handle it. I think he knows something is up, becuase I let my phone go to voice mail several times this weekend. FYI, when you are a working adult with a profession, a house to maintain, kids to see, kids games to go to, etc., you don't just have time to casually surf the net looking at ads and what not. You have to MAKE the time. OK, she prints out the ad but is he using his real name? How is she 100% certain it's him? Never said they were shallow, but maybe mistaken as to who this person is. Yes I have been on Craigslist to buy stuff. Not the personal ads. What does the way he writes have to do with anything? Is his name posted or are you just assuming it's him? Why not pick up and talk to him. That's the best way to get answers. Doesn't take much time at all to surf the net for ads. LOL- seems you and your friend have time to check out craigslist. This poor guy could be innocent of everything. I would give him the benefit of doubt...
Author ShannaB Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 (edited) OK, she prints out the ad but is he using his real name? How is she 100% certain it's him? Never said they were shallow, but maybe mistaken as to who this person is. Yes I have been on Craigslist to buy stuff. Not the personal ads. What does the way he writes have to do with anything? Is his name posted or are you just assuming it's him? Why not pick up and talk to him. That's the best way to get answers. Doesn't take much time at all to surf the net for ads. LOL- seems you and your friend have time to check out craigslist. This poor guy could be innocent of everything. I would give him the benefit of doubt... Obviously you are a guy. And I find your nasty tone quite insulting... like how do I know its him? He responded to her via HIS email address. And actually since my friend is TRULY SINGLE AND NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP, she does have time to check out Craigslist. People in relationships, who are decent & truthful & faithful, usually don't go slinking around on the internet looking! I think you are a guy, and probably a cheater too, from your replies. All of you jackazzes stick up for each other, I've seen it before! I have an exhusband like you! Edited March 21, 2011 by ShannaB
Author ShannaB Posted March 21, 2011 Author Posted March 21, 2011 I think you shouldnt meet up with him if you cant hold it together. Since hes been shopping for someone new, maybe email him his own ad and then never answer his calls after that until you can pick up and tell him its over. I think you dont owe him a face to face since hes been shopping and lying to you the whole time. I think you are correct. I will tell him on the phone. Traditionally I would never tell someone I've been seeing for 2 years that it is over on telephone, but in this case it is different. Funny, I've been reading these forums and I see other signs that I should have picked up on. I was far too trusting.
Eddie Edirol Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 I think you are correct. I will tell him on the phone. Traditionally I would never tell someone I've been seeing for 2 years that it is over on telephone, but in this case it is different. Funny, I've been reading these forums and I see other signs that I should have picked up on. I was far too trusting. Its all about the signs baby, all about the signs. You wont miss not one red flag as long as you can keep a balance of objectiveness and reason. Relationship judo for the next time you start dating people....you 'll be a blackbelt. i find that so much of the behavior stories are similar, can see anything coming a mile away.
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