ex wants me but doesn't.. how to proceed.

[confused1989]

well not long ago I posted in the dating section if any of you want any background on my story.

 

Basically, my ex told me she didn't feel loved enough, and was really vague about what I could do to make her feel more loved. I just started to accept the fact that maybe I wasn't "good enough" for her. I know I am, and it was a relationship where I put a lot more into her than she did to me, although she will never see it that way. She breached my trust a few times and I got mad but eventually let it go, she does not have anything really to use against me.

 

So anyway.. fast forward 2 months later to now and we have still had LC for the most part since it ended. I don't know but things didn't feel like they ended right and I have been on an emotional rollarcoaster ever since. She says she still loves me... says she wants to be with me.. but there have been 5-6 times in the past 2 weeks that we were supposed to hang out and she ended up cancelling due to too much school work or prior commitments to friends.

 

This was a huge problem I had with her anyway - that she always put her friends ahead of me. Her logic being that they always were and always will be there for her (although I know her friends and they're of no great quality, trust me). I always found it hard to come to terms with being on the backburner ALL of the time to her friends, or sometimes even people she didn't know. I have always had to listen to drama between her and her friends and she "hated" them all at one point or another or had some kind of conflict with them at some point. She often told me how she knew she could push me aside because I'd "understand" and "still be there". So she admit she would rather upset me than her friends.

 

Anyway since we have broke up she still contacts me nonstop, showed up at my door once saying she wanted it to work, and then after that for the next 2 weeks she wouldn't make time to be with me. This was very hurtful to me. She could have had time to spend with me this weekend but she decided to go partying 10 hours away on a road trip with her friends and she has been partying with her friends 2-3 times a week instead of spending time with me.

 

I saw her in school this week and we chatted and she hugged me and kissed me on the cheek, leaned her head on me and cuddled into me, and smelled me and complimented me, etc. She was asking about my plans for when she was gone on her road trip and seems really curious about who I'm with when she's not around. Always asks me for the name of the place I'm at and the names of who I'm with.

 

I saw her out again that night at a pub and she was with a group of people half of whom were guys and I was with a couple of my buddies and I kept my distance. I said hi and was friendly when I saw her but I was distant after that. I told her if she wanted to come over for a chat I'd be outside on the deck and she said "maybe before I leave". So I didn't want to wait outside in the cold for a "maybe" so I just went back inside and ignored the rest of her texts. She found me and asked me if I wanted a ride home as she was giving a bunch of other people a ride home too and I declined because it didn't matter anyway, I was going to be dropped off first so it wasn't like we would be talking.

 

Anyway she text me when she got home and told me she was sad I never got a ride home with her. I told her I'm tired of waiting around on her, she asys she wants me but then other times it seems way opposite. She says shes being "careful' because she doesn't want to get hurt by me. EVERYONE who knows me knows I wouild not hurt her, I care about her too much. The only times I may have hurt her are when she criticized me constantly after we broke up and I defended myself and held my ground, but I did not get too nasty about it or call her names.

 

I feel like I don't know what to do. She said she wanted it to work, she missed everything about me, etc. and then 2 hours later she's sad that I didn't get a ride with her and she tells me to stop waiting for her to come back and to go out and enjoy myself? what??

 

So I told her that upset me and she said she didn't mean it like that and that she doesn't know what she meant and that I could interpret it however I wanted to.

 

She's gone away on her road trip and I haven't heard from her since. I am just so down on myself.

 

She says she wants me back but always keeps me at arms length because she's being "careful".

 

She shows some positive signs but still there is something holding her back from being with me. I don't understand what it is. I am not someone to be afraid of, and I have put up with a lot more in this relationship than she has, whether she will ever admit that or not. She has very high standards and expectations of what a boyfriend should be. She is a very caring person but only to certain people. I feel like she treated her girl friends better than she treated me. It's very difficult to process but she is very critical of me sometimes instead of looking at what she can be doing. For example she is constantly saying I'm not fighting enough for her... etc.

 

I have been anxious to no end since she's been away on this trip. My gut just keeps telling me she's out there sleeping with other people. Or that there are other people strung on.

 

What to do here.. strict NC even though she has showed some positive signs? or keep LC?

Edited March 19, 2011 by confused1989

[confused1989]

I guess it's just hard because I wanted to be with her if I was a number one priority. And it's hard to be there hearing that she wants me and me telling her that I want her too, and then her hurting me like this the next minute. So it's hard to shift from saying that to considering being distant and going NC and stuff like that. It's very back and forth but I find it's her actions that are causing this, I always had the door open to her. So I don't know how to proceed. SHe could easily think I'm messing with her head if I keep saying I want her and then go distant and NC when she hurts me and back and forth. I understand this but she's not looking at what she's saying or doing to cause me to feel this way.

 

Ugh...

[Movingthrough]

saying she wanted it to work, and then after that for the next 2 weeks she wouldn't make time to be with me.

 

This is it right here. What you are going through is normal after a break up. She still feels those feeling she had with you, but she doesn't want to be with you. What we do as guys is we analyze everything way too much. "She hugged me at school, she still likes me right?". These are the types of things we do to try to rationalize that it can still "work", but we know deep down its not going to.

 

I'm not always one to say on here "Its over forever move on bye", because i know that is so much easier then done. While i know some on here would not agree with me, i used to look at my break up in terms of what was happening right in front of my face. In the current moment (like with you) it is not working, plain and simple, use the "bi-focal" view on this and look close up at what is going on - its not working the way you want it too.

 

No matter what she is doing, or not doing, it is not going the way you want it to go right now..plain and simple. So, at this point you have to look at you and ask yourself "In a perfect world is this how i would want it to be right now?" - if the answer is no then go NC.

 

This helped me a lot because like you i had all kinds of "crumbs" being thrown at me, but deep down i know it didn't mean sh*t. I always believe that things can come in the future, who knows maybe down the road you will be cool enough to just hang out and have a coffee or something, but that should not be your focus, at this point in time you are not getting what you want out of it, so go NC and find out what you REALLY want in a relationship. Its your time now.

[confused1989]

Thanks for the great reply. Actually as I was writing that I was thinking from the same viewpoint as you. I was thinking about what is happening now right in front of my face. Would I like to be with someone whos doing what she's doing to me right now? No, not at all. I've had way too many sleepless nights.

 

It isn't working right now, you're right. She can't sacrifice one of many nights out with her friends to spend time with me. And what am I doing? even though I don't want to be, all I'm doing is hanging on to hope while at the same time thinking that maybe there are other guys. I don't trust her right now with all the mixed signals she's giving me. She says she isn't looking for greener grass, she still loves me, wants it ti work etc. but then at the same time she doesn't, and if I believe this stuff I'm juts going to keep setting myself back.

 

I see lots of posts on here about girls who stress themselves to no end and move mountains to try to make something work when their guy is treating them like utter crap to begin with, and here I am , a guy who is proud of what he gave to his girl in this relationship regardless of how she feels about that, suffering as I thought she loved me more than this.

[confused1989]

I have a hard time seeing that she ever "loved me to death" and had me on a pedestal to begin with.

 

Few instances that come to mind:

 

-When she was really sick for a month I constantly visited her, brought her soup or something small to cheer her up. I don't like being around people when they're sick but I still cuddled, hugged her, massaged her, did whatever I could to make sure she felt better.

 

The one time I got really sick I asked her if she could bring me some juice on her way home from work and she sounded irritated, came in and dropped off the juice and left and gave me ***** for not being "excited to see her" and jump up out of bed. I was half asleep and miserable at the time. So she dropped off the juice and left right away.

 

 

-Also we went out for a pretty decent length of time year and a half or so and we probably slept in the same bed about 12 times or so. She just didn't like sleeping in the asme bed as me, and often times put me down on the couch while she went and slept in her own bed. She would also turn down times to sleep over at my apartment. Didn't make me feel good. WHen she did sleep over she'd get up 8:30 and leave and go home.

 

 

- like I said before always put her friends before me, somtimes she would supposed to be spending time with me but she would leave my aprtment and go visit her friends for a few hours then come back just to make sure everyone was happy even though it often pissed me off to no end.

 

-if i had an issue she would laugh in my face and say i was being ridiculous.

 

- she never seemed to miss me when she went out of town.

 

- i wanted to take her to a trip to a certain city that i always wanted to take her to and she said she'd rather go with her parents.

 

- overly social and is flirty with guys, garners a lot of attention and often talks highly about every one she meets. Sees the good in everyone and this combined with her frequent criticisms of me made me feel like I was always below a lot of other people in her eyes.

 

- like i said before ~80% of our relationship was spent with groups of people or drinking. COuldn't do anything without getting a big buzz on which sucked sometimes

 

- Caught her in a few big lies - but she always said i was the crazy one, she didn't catch me in any lies because i'm an honest and loyal guy.

 

- When we would plan trips out of the country she never felt satisfied juts going with me. A lot of otehr couples I know at our age (early to mid 20's) love going down south together and spending a week alone. But we went out of the country once and she made sure we were doing tours with other singles and always in groups. It didn't seem like she wanted to spend time with me any more than any other of the strangers that were in our group.

 

 

Anyway I guess I don't feel like anything important to her after listing all those things anyways. Maybe some of them are just my insecurities but regardless theres a reason why I feel super undervalued by her, I have dated a lot of girls and been through break ups but I have never felt this low before.

[Thatguyintx]

I would recommend NC for you. But I need to be honest, it's because I think there is no way this relationship could work. She doesn't place any true value on you or your relationship.

 

I agree with Movingthrough, she is feeling the effect of breaking up but doesn't want the relationship back.

 

I hope you stay strong and you will find someone who values you for who you are.

[confused1989]

Thanks. It is ridiculous at the moment how much control/influence she has over me. For the past 2 months there have been soo many ups and downs with her, so many times where I saw hope and so many times where I didn't. Many times where I tried NC just to go back to talking to her again.

 

Like I said.. she's gone on a road trip now and I have not seen her suffer or hurt in any way. It seems as though life may be evenbetter for her now than it was when she was with me.

 

Oh well. I don't know how the hell I can get her to stop interfering with my work and my daily life. I can't stop thinking about what she's doing and how much fun she's having wtihout me, and maybe I'm odd but after all this I guess sometimes I don't even know if I would want her back anyway. It does not truly make me want her more, but makes it seem like I wasn't of any importance the whole time anyway.

 

It's not that I don't love her.. I just don't know how I could be with someone who puts me through this and it doesn't even seem to bother them in the least. Yet apparently I'm the one who's playing head games with her and is a mindf%ck.

 

I hope this NC works. I am dying inside.

[Thatguyintx]

It does not truly make me want her more, but makes it seem like I wasn't of any importance the whole time anyway.

 

Don't rewrite history. There were times you were important to her. And don't be fooled too much, she may not be as happy as you think. (That does not mean she wants the relationship back, though!) She may be missing the good parts of the relationship just as much as you, but she will never show you that.

 

I was the dumper in my last relationship and struggled mightily. She never knew it since we were both in NC. I am sure she thought I was doing just fine. The sleepless nights, no appetite days, and tear-filled moments were never revealed to her.

 

Now having said all that, how do we get you to start focusing on becoming a better you?

[confused1989]

I guess you're right. I'm just really focusing on the negative for several reasaons such as she's very cold towards me and is saying a lot of stuff she doesn't mean. Also probably because I put in 120% effort and she put in probably 40% yet I was the one who was accused of not loving her enough. Hard to think of the relationship as a good one after all that, even though while I was in it I thought it was worth it.

 

The thing is I know her mind is cleared as she is away on this road trip partying, but I know when she comes back and things get hectic with school and the time she missed she will be coming back to me again. I don't like that at all. Actually it irritates me to no end that I'm only of some kind of importance when she really needs it.

 

The thing is NC tells her (in her mind because she's overly sensitive and emotional) that I don't want to be with her at all and I never cared about her and never will. I just wish she could realize that I had the door open for 2 months and tortured myself for the whole time just to hear that I don't try enough for her and didn't sweep her off her feet, she basically wants me to manipulate her back into a relationship with me which I know would fail in no time.

 

As for becoming a better me.. I'm not too sure. I live in a rural place and I've tried the bar scene but it makes things worse rather than better at the moment. Also I am swamped with work for school and trying to get through it is becoming hard as hell. I graduate in a couple of months from university and this is having a tremendous effect on my marks.

 

I need to somehow regain some confidence inmyself. I just continuously introspect and wonder what I did wrong. Since, afterall, I feel I would not have done anything diffrent in the relationship and am very proud of what I did for her, yet it was still not enough and she continously tells me that.

 

I also wonder why I always continously needed to chase her. As much as she asked from me, she did not do anything for me. She wouldn't chase or go out of her way to make sure I'm around. Albeit, in her mind I was always around anyway since we broke up so I'm not too sure if NC would have any kind of effect. I went NC for 2 days once and I had 30 missed calls and about 50 texts, that was the day she showed up at my door but didn't see her again after that.

[confused1989]

Also I have the opportunity to get out of here for a couple of months this summer to work. As you can probably imagine, my stupid distorted mind is telling me "oh you should stay around incase she wants to get back with you" but of course I know this is crap and I should be doing ME and go for the job. Being away from her for that long might actually help, who knows.

 

Anyway she heard about the idea of me maybe going away and cried her eyes out and made a mockery of it, made fun of me, etc.

 

I know I have to stop waiting around for her. I should just go?

[betterdeal]

Do what you want to do. If you're enjoying this relationship as it is right now then fine, keep on doing what you're doing. Otherwise, do something different.

[Thatguyintx]

Also I have the opportunity to get out of here for a couple of months this summer to work. As you can probably imagine, my stupid distorted mind is telling me "oh you should stay around incase she wants to get back with you" but of course I know this is crap and I should be doing ME and go for the job. Being away from her for that long might actually help, who knows.

 

Anyway she heard about the idea of me maybe going away and cried her eyes out and made a mockery of it, made fun of me, etc.

 

I know I have to stop waiting around for her. I should just go?

 

If you read your post, you answered your own question better than anyone else could. You need to do things that are right for YOU.

 

Don't worry about her so much. You need to worry about you. NC is not meant to communicate anything to her, it's meant to give you a chance to heal yourself. Once healed, you will be able to view her and her actions much clearer.

 

I have been where you are. I was with someone who "needed" more than I could give. "Everything" was my fault. (An argument that begins with a superlative is not going to go well!) I view my situation much clearer after much NC. I still miss some of the good things from her, but I don't want her back.

 

You need to find yourself and begin living YOUR life again!