Thatguyintx Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I realize most of the people posting on here are probably dumpees. And I see many questions about "how could they (dumpers) be so heartless" or "how could they not care", etc. I am a dumper and I can assure you I care deeply about my ex gf. I think about her often, even six months after the breakup. I still care for her deeply and know in my heart that letting her go will be the best for her. And yes, I do wish the best for her. Just felt like I needed to share the "other" perspective.
poorguy Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I realize most of the people posting on here are probably dumpees. And I see many questions about "how could they (dumpers) be so heartless" or "how could they not care", etc. I am a dumper and I can assure you I care deeply about my ex gf. I think about her often, even six months after the breakup. I still care for her deeply and know in my heart that letting her go will be the best for her. And yes, I do wish the best for her. Just felt like I needed to share the "other" perspective. I'll second that
PowerOfOne Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Thanks for sharing! I think in a lot of cases the dumper has a tough time getting over a breakup. It's hard to see that from a dumpee's point of view. And even harder to accept.
Chi_One Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Thank you for posting this. I am the reluctant dumper. I dumped my boyfriend because I was not being treated well and stumbled upon this forum hoping to find advice. The advice I found was what I already knew in my heart. I love him. I want to be with him but had to make the difficult decision to let him go. I agree that the dumper in some cases is probably hurting in the break up as well.
Country_Girl Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 My dumper admitted to me he was hurting. Sure, he didn't feel it right away, the first month he avoided it. But now, almost 3 months later he is struggling with it. It's almost like the dumper experiences what the dumpee does in the very beginning stages, but much later on. I guess it's hard for dumpees to realize, because at first you are met with "coldness" from the dumper, which makes you feel like they never cared at all. But later on it sinks in for them, the loneliness, regret, sorrow. I have been trying to help my dumper through it, because I know what it was like. He started calling/texting all the time. But we recently agreed we need to go NC, as old feelings were being rehashed. There were "I love you's" exchanged but no progress. He's feeling it, that's for sure. I was so mad at him in the beginning, but now I feel really sorry for him He's having a hard time with the guilt.
Jdw_Icequeen Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Thank you for mentioning it.. Alot of people do want to look at the dumper is nothing but cold hearted. When putting the peices together it would also make sense as to,( if) a dumper comes back it usually takes a while.. They are usually fine in the beginning and most don't realize it until later on.
i made a mess Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I can attest to this. I'm the dumper and I'm still hurting. The guilt, the regret, the being ashamed of myself for hurting someone so wonderful. It's been 4 months since the ex I dumped went NC and I still cry every day for being so stupid. But I'll tell you, going through this has caused me to learn alot about myself and figure out what I needed to work on so that I can be ready for the next time love comes along.
Author Thatguyintx Posted March 19, 2011 Author Posted March 19, 2011 But I'll tell you, going through this has caused me to learn alot about myself and figure out what I needed to work on so that I can be ready for the next time love comes along. Amen! That is the lesson we should be taking from every relationship we have!
sniffys Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Thank you for mentioning it.. Alot of people do want to look at the dumper is nothing but cold hearted. When putting the peices together it would also make sense as to,( if) a dumper comes back it usually takes a while.. They are usually fine in the beginning and most don't realize it until later on. i really agree w/ this, on my experience as a dumper..it didnt hurt at first..but when it hit me it was almost too much and i couldnt handle it. it felt like i was depressed for a year. being dumped..i would probably not mind if i was dumped if: a) i was warned several times of the actions i had they did not like..and i didnt do anything about it b) an explanation was made for the break up (i cant afford to be in a relationship right now, im gay,etc) c)if the dumper dumped me humanely, that is understanding the fact that dumpees go into panic mode and begging mode. just sit there and listen to it. this person is a human being, u dont tell them that u gotta go and u shud just walk away or hang up.
timchambo Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 ok all these dumpers that dealing with regret here. So why would you leave to begin with? I just came back to LS for the first time in over a month (i think) to post an update on where I am mentally after 3 months. I feel much better now, but wondering why my ex seemingly keeps seeking out info on me. Texts, calls to friends and family. She chose to leave and has her new man. But why do you guys go through this pain and regret? If this is what you want, then why is there pain? Isn't that one of the best things in life is to find someone and share your life with them? Why throw that away?
Jdw_Icequeen Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Well obviously there can be alot of things to regret.. How they dumped the person for one. Its obvious the dumper realizes what they lost and that wasn't as easy as they thought it was going to be. This of course depends on the reasons why they left to begin with. Cheating, abuse other things that couldn't be fixed or felt like couldn't be fixed. The list can go on and on as to reasons why depending ont he person. So they have there guilt and regrets. Some of them realize its not what they wanted and come back. Some realize this and still don't come back out of fear of rejection. Then you have the ones that even though they regret and feel guilty and are hurt still feel it was the best for both of them to go there seperate ways, for whatever reason those may be. Now I was not the dumper in my situation and my relationship had no cheating infact we never even fought. Lack of communication and stress weighed heavy, I know there was nothing that couldn't have been fixed. So to me he just didn't love me enough to stay. What you have at the end of the days is millions of people millions of diffrent circumstances mixed with millions of diffrent personalitys. I am sure infact some dumpers hold no regret or very little. But again it depends on the people and situations really doesn't it..
0hpenelope Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I am sure infact some dumpers hold no regret or very little. But again it depends on the people and situations really doesn't it.. Yup! Some dumpers just have an absence of feeling; like mine, for instance.
D78 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Hey thatguy. I remember reading a post from you that said you thought you and your ex would be able to compromise and work through your problems, but it didn't happen. Please correct me if I'm making this up, as I'm wrong sometimes . I inferred from this statement that you communicated to your ex the problems or the things you couldn't deal with in your relationship. Is that true? If so, you did all you could. Many of the dumpees here were dropped out of the blue, by dumpers who lie for who knows how long, and don't give them a chance to change any offensive behavior. They feel betrayed, as openness and honesty were seen as givens in the relationship. The dumpers often fell out of love with the dumpees, and use BS excuses to break up with them. I'm speaking for myself, but I know I am echoing the thoughts of many LS dumpees who are working on mending their broken hearts. If you're a dumper who communicated with your ex, and your ex didn't try to change any deal-breaking behavior, there's nothing to feel bad about. Your ex chose to end the relationship, right, by not changing his or her behavior? (And, yes, I realize this is the severely dumbed-down version of life, and you probably can't help but feel bad...) If you're a dumper who lied to your ex and said "everything is peachy, my dear," well... honestly... it makes me happy to know you feel bad. That's my shi**y side.
Mixed28 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Hey thatguy. I remember reading a post from you that said you thought you and your ex would be able to compromise and work through your problems, but it didn't happen. Please correct me if I'm making this up, as I'm wrong sometimes . I inferred from this statement that you communicated to your ex the problems or the things you couldn't deal with in your relationship. Is that true? If so, you did all you could. Many of the dumpees here were dropped out of the blue, by dumpers who lie for who knows how long, and don't give them a chance to change any offensive behavior. They feel betrayed, as openness and honesty were seen as givens in the relationship. The dumpers often fell out of love with the dumpees, and use BS excuses to break up with them. I'm speaking for myself, but I know I am echoing the thoughts of many LS dumpees who are working on mending their broken hearts. If you're a dumper who communicated with your ex, and your ex didn't try to change any deal-breaking behavior, there's nothing to feel bad about. Your ex chose to end the relationship, right, by not changing his or her behavior? (And, yes, I realize this is the severely dumbed-down version of life, and you probably can't help but feel bad...) If you're a dumper who lied to your ex and said "everything is peachy, my dear," well... honestly... it makes me happy to know you feel bad. That's my shi**y side. Yeah I got dumped totally blindsided. Got the nice guy speech. Hate that speech your nice and treat me well but i don't see it going further crap sucks...
Author Thatguyintx Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 I inferred from this statement that you communicated to your ex the problems or the things you couldn't deal with in your relationship. Is that true? Yes, I did communicate. It was constant. As if the relationship was based on our communicating about the relationship. Wore me down. Make sense? If you're a dumper who communicated with your ex, and your ex didn't try to change any deal-breaking behavior, there's nothing to feel bad about.Honestly, neither of us could change to the point to accommodate each other. We were just patently incompatible. Also, I need to make clear, I feel bad because I love this person and miss them greatly. I don't feel bad for breaking up, though. Staying together was much more cruel for both of us than breaking up. Today, she would echo the same sentiment. She just needed to get past the initial pain. I can understand those who feel they were left behind. By starting this thread, I merely wanted to explain that many (yes, not all) dumpers have feelings too. And many times the decision they made seems heartless, but also many times, it is a very unselfish decision. Not painting with the broad brush that all dumpers hurt, but there are many.
Mixed28 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I don't really care about the dumper unless they were cheated on abused etc. Sure it is a hard decision and hard to carryout but the emotional damage is far greater on the dumpees then the dumpers.
depplover_1980 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Do we think dumpees would rather hear the truth then like 'your boring'? I am only wondering on the basis that in general we seem to hate excuses like 'too nice'...there is no nice way to dump someone in life IF you're a person that cares of others feelings. It is the instances where the dumper just switches off and doesn't give a s h i t that seem so painful.,
DollyGirl12 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Hi, I'm new here but have been reading the board for a while now. It's been very healing for me. I was the dumper, and yes, it hurts. It hurts alot. I found my ex replying to Craigslist ads and he was also searching escort services in his area. We were in a LDR but spent alot of time together. I was absolutely devastated when I found these things. He denied and denied and made me feel like a complete fool with the lies and denials. I saw the emails with my own two eyes. He tried to turn it all around on me and make me feel like there was something wrong with me for thinking he would do this. But, he did. He had a past history of Craigslist and I guess he thought I was just some stupid idiot. After that I was not very nice and said things that pretty much burnt all bridges. But for a very long time I hurt very deeply trying to figure out why he would do that to me. I had been there for him and loved him deeply. So yes, us dumpers feel crappy to!
optimistgirl Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 This is a good post. I never thought of my dumper as heartless or cruel, maybe a little spineless, but never those other things. I don't think it's easy on either side.
LD1981 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I have to see my ex daily seeing as i have to live with her for the time being, we broke up a week ago today and she has cried almost everynight, shes burst into tears right in front of me (granted i have also cried everynight etc but not in front of her) shes text me (even though we are in the same room!!!) telling me shes hurting but its for the best... What I don't understand is why?? I do and I dont i suppose, this is what SHE wants..I guess i'm just thinking about being the dumpee i suppose
FirstJohn318 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 It is really hard. I really wonder how my ex is feeling. If she is/was hurting at all. I was her first boyfriend and she did the dumping (mostly b/c I think I was afraid too). Also I really wanted it to work out, and I still think it could, but I doubt she would ever take me back. I chalked a lot of what happened between us to inexperience and maybe after a while she would open up more to me. But maybe in reality she just didnt like me as much as she had hoped. She was crying when she broke up with me but when she gets emotional about anything she usually cries or gets sick to her stomach. So it is hard to figure out what she is going through since I see her every week at church and I get the cold shoulder. Any of you dumpers out there do you give the cold shoulder to cover up how you are really feeling inside because maybe you are afraid that if you show emotion you might go back into the relationship?
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