fran82 Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 why do i always attract the men who are afraid to commit? i'm beginning to think i have a sign that's invisible to me, that says, "she's a mug, come waste from of her time"!!!!! im not the sort of girl, whose out there hubby hunting! i know why i want from life, but i see those things as something for the furture, the last thing i want to do is settle down with just any eligible batchelor. but i'm willing to investigate, to see if we connect. Ive never nagged, I've never stalked, i've never pressured anyone...........i've only ever been someone that would listen, and still they make me into some monster to run from!!!!! im so confused!!! my last 3 relationships have ended because the guys were heart scared of settling down! now, im 28, and feel like i must have done something wrong, or i keep missing/ignoring some vital signs??? i just feel so tired with it all.............i truly loved my Ex who split up with me just yesterday, because his fear is bigger than the love he feels for me.........i deserve someone more ready..........he doesnt want to hurt me in the long run............blah blah blah why do i seems to end up with these "boys"? any help or enlightenment would be so massively appreciated
Thatguyintx Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Not sure you have given enough detail to really explain anything. I have been accused of being a "commitment-phobe". It really wasn't fair to label me this way. Over the two plus years we were together, there was some smothering going on. She would just absorb me into her life and neither of us had space to be ourselves. I loved (and still love) this woman and accept everything else about her, except for this smothering. Over time, I just wanted to see this smothering relax and her to accept that our relationship was good and could be secure. I waited, and waited, and waited, until I could not wait any longer. I wanted to give it a solid try before I finally completely gave up. In the end, I gave up. I could not imagine being smothered for the rest of my life. If she had become more secure in herself and us, we would be married today. Maybe the last guy was hoping for a dynamic in your relationship to get worked out before fully committing? Maybe he was much closer to committing than you know?
Author fran82 Posted March 19, 2011 Author Posted March 19, 2011 Thanks for your reply, its sounds as tho must really have loved this woman, to really give it a try, as long as you did. fair play to you. I was with my Ex only for 6 months, when so out of the blue he started panicking. we talked about it for hours and the conclusion from him is that he is scared, pure scared of commitment. he promises me that i couldn't have done anything differently, i was for him the best gf and deserve someone who is ready. Not that i am, but at least i'm ready to try! He'd rather run away than face any of his fears. he says he still loves me but the fear is too much, and love is not enough to make him want to try. i've wondered, am i smothering? since you mentioned about your Ex, i don't know, maybe i am? is it wrong to be excited to see each other? i didn't expect to see him more than a few nights a week, he and i both had plenty of time to indulge in our own interests, and spend time with our own friends. He's currently unemployed after finishing his masters, and he's facing the scary world out there. i know that this is part of it, he's not made a success of himself yet. i get that, but why do i have to be punished for that? Ps did you ever tell your ex that you didn't like her smothering nature?
Thatguyintx Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Yes, I loved this woman very deeply. And we did try to work on her "need for attention" (as she called it). She just needed more than I could give. I truly wish that wasn't the case, but I can't change it. Now, on to you. I wonder if the lack of a career is causing his fear. How old is he and how old are you? When I was younger (41 now), my ex-wife made significantly more money than I did. Caused all kinds of issues inside of me, even though she was very supportive and didn't hold it over me. Many men are taught that if they aren't supporting the family financially, they are not truly men. I just couldn't deal with her success and my slow-moving career at that time. (I view it very differently today, thank goodness.) As for smothering, you aren't even close to what I was experiencing. If I didn't text several times during the day and call at least twice during the workday, I must not have cared anymore. And the weekends we were together 100% of the time. No time for other friends and other interests. You sound like you were much more relaxed in this area. There still seems to be something missing in his reaction. Were you pressuring him for a deeper committment (marriage)?
Author fran82 Posted March 19, 2011 Author Posted March 19, 2011 wow, i agree that must've been quite intense, and hard work. it sounds like maybe you have done the right thing:( i seen your other post about being the dumper, i can actually understand what its like for you. in my last rship i was the dumper, he was again afraid of commitment, fear of trying, fear of everything, including breaking up. so i had to do it. so i know its hard for you too my ex does know that i wanted to marry someone someday, but he knows that my own biggest fear is choosing the wrong person to do that with. its not something i would ever run into with my eyes shut. he too knows that one day he sees himself as married, but not for a long time yet. he's 24 and i am 28, so i knew the age difference would come into play one day, however i don't really agree that its an excuse for not trying to overcome the fears he's been able to identify. as you described of your last marriage, i too have sorted a career, not my dream one be any means but one that is as secure as secure can be these days, while he having finished college, has to look into the big bad world for work. i wouldn't want to do it myself, if i'm honest. i have never thrown money at him, never been anything other than graceful and caring, listening to his stresses. i just don't understand why, if his lack of success so far is the issue, then why "must" he do it alone? I'm so confused, i honestly do think that men and women might be from different planets sometimes! i agree with what you said at the end, there does seem to be something missing, especially as this as all been so sudden, i just really dont know what it could be? i have asked him to be honest and tell me if he just didnt love me anymore, but he insists he does?!?!?! he just has this feeling..............
Perplexed81 Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I have to chime in here and agree. My last relationship of wouldn't you know it "2 years" although, didn't end becuase of the smothering, my newly single life made me realize all that I had given up. You got off lucky with 2 phone calls, my ex used to call me at my business (self employed) over 12-15 times a day, text me during my lunch etc etc. I had to resort to making best friends with her brother in law which luckily lived right in front of me or I wouldn't have any friends to hang out with. Although it was a great friendship I left a ton of friends behind after she slowly but surely over the years weened me off hanging out with all the single friends I had before. I used to go to the bar or bbq's or poker games with my male friends and over the couple of years as I said, she broke me down one piece at a time from all the things I enjoyed before, almost like going through rehab for drugs. After constant persistance on her part, I folded and decided to end the old life and make what I could of my new life. Of course though this wasn't enough, since I made friends with her brother in law and a couple of his tight nit male friends, they got me into hunting, fishing, their farm days, 4 wheeling, the works. I truly got broke into the country life and being a city boy before I have to admit that I absolutely loved it and didn't look back. Soon enough she started complaining becuase I hung out with her brother in law too much apparently and before when she met me as a bar hopping party guy (which she wasn't into) I completely did a 180 and changed to what supposably she was into and she didn't partake in any of it (odd). IT WAS A LOSE LOSE situation. Could you believe we got into a fight one day becuase I stayed out too late in my front yard in front of a fire drinking a few cold ones with the BIL? I just about lost it, i was literally 10 feet from the door and becuase I didn't come in at 8:30 at night to watch some Dancing with the Stars show with her, that I didn't love her and was neglecting her? Thats just "ONE" of many examples. Now mind you I'm no angel, yes there were times that me and the guys had all night fishing trips and I didn't spend alot of time with her which I was guilty and did apologize, but most other times I was at home, in my yard doing something or just hanging out at home. Enough ranting, I think you get the point, sometimes other pastures aren't as green as they seemed and I'm sure after 6 months she's realizing that all the work she put into me won't be as easily done with the next guy.
Author fran82 Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 Crikey Preplexed! that does seem quite extreme! i cant understand, why anyone, man or woman, could allow themselves to fall into such behaviour! i meant its gotta be a learnt behaviour! or heavily influenced from somewhere! maybe like thatguyintx thinks, maybe it is a lack of self esteem! either way, its not something anyone should have to put up with. is it just ladies that go this kinda crazy? i wonder! personally i cant understand, why someone wouldnt respect themselves enough, to allow this to happen to them. this also got me thinking, is it really a fear of commitment OR a fear of Mrs Right, not being so Right in the end? hmmmmm
depplover_1980 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Fran, this last relationship lasted 6 months. What were the timelines of the 3 before this then?
Ajax Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I was with my Ex only for 6 months, when so out of the blue he started panicking. we talked about it for hours and the conclusion from him is that he is scared, pure scared of commitment. he promises me that i couldn't have done anything differently, i was for him the best gf and deserve someone who is ready. Not that i am, but at least i'm ready to try! He'd rather run away than face any of his fears. he says he still loves me but the fear is too much, and love is not enough to make him want to try. i've wondered, am i smothering? since you mentioned about your Ex, i don't know, maybe i am? is it wrong to be excited to see each other? i didn't expect to see him more than a few nights a week, he and i both had plenty of time to indulge in our own interests, and spend time with our own friends. This is a common theme around here. The boyfriend or girlfriend who panics and bails just as things are getting more serious. I won't go ito what happened with me, you can look it up on my thread if you're interested, but know you're not alone. I'm not a psychologist or an expert, but I've looked into commitment-phobia out of cureosity and to help explain what happened with my ex. Any conclusions I've come to are that there isn't anything yo could have done. You might have changed your own behavior, maintained more distance in the relationship, but it would only have bought you some time. In the end the result would have been the same. And would you have really been satisfied in a relationship where you had to maintain that distance indefinitely?
Author fran82 Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 hi depplover, the relationships before where, 3yrs and 2yrs. Each of them ended for the same reason. The man running scared! i guess perhaps in the first (2yrs) rship which was my first, i may have been naive, but not clinging or needy. since then i've learned and know to keep my own person. Hi Ajax, thanks, i will check out your thread. i think you're right, any change would only delay the end! this time, i try to take a different stance, having quickly accepted in the previous 2 times, this time i decided to try to talk to my ex about trying to overcome his fears. but that as good as fell on deaf ears. he couldn't conceive of it! he just needed out. so i, out of self respect, gave up like he did. i agree its definitely wrong to have to change for someone, unless its for your own benifit, like drugs or gambling etc. but to change your nature, who you are, that should never be. its just a shame i guess as now i have to face up to the fact the i just wasn't enough of what he wanted. and thats the bottom line for me and him. im so confused tho about why the 3......is it just bad luck........do i attract the kind of men who needs building up, then when they're half way there, they crumble.............someone life sucks
depplover_1980 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I needed confirmation, thanks. Right so your other 2 relationships, which lasted 2 or 3 years had simply ran their course; the average relationship lasts 2 years apparently, so in light of that you have had a couple of standard relationships. The 6 month guy ticks some signs of being a commitment phobe, which if you look up is a genuine psychological condition that needs therapy to move forward from. You are only 28 and are yet to meet the right man for the long term, but these other relationships are valuable and as long as you have some good memories, then they were never a waste of time! Plus they are life lesson stepping stones, which are preparing you for the time you catch that big fish. Change your perspective on the game if there are no obvious signs of being anything wrong with the players...
Ajax Posted March 21, 2011 Posted March 21, 2011 its just a shame i guess as now i have to face up to the fact the i just wasn't enough of what he wanted. and thats the bottom line for me and him. That may not necessarily be true. If your ex is truely a commitment-phobe, no one would be able to do enough to hold onto him. In fact, the better you were and the more fulfilling the relationship, the more likely it is that he'll freak out and run. Ironically it's the intimacy and the very real possibility that the relationship will last that creates the anxiety. And no amount of reassurance from you can alleviate it. It's a poison. And it hurts. But I'll tell you what people told me. Better to find out now rather than after you're engaged, or married... or have kids, because that happens. But be of good cheer! You are only 28 and are yet to meet the right man for the long term, but these other relationships are valuable and as long as you have some good memories, then they were never a waste of time! Plus they are life lesson stepping stones, which are preparing you for the time you catch that big fish. Change your perspective on the game if there are no obvious signs of being anything wrong with the players... She's right, per usual. You're a young 28... I like to think of that as young as I will be 28 shortly and hope my best day are ahead of me. And if that picture for your avatar is you, you're quite the beauty! Take some time to grieve this relationship, because you need to allow yourself to feel your feelings. But have hope for the future.
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