So sad to be here

[confusedhere]

I hate that I'm here. But I am so lost. And I am so devastated. I've been reading threads here since D-Day a month and a half ago. And reading the threads sometimes makes me feel better, and sometimes reading makes me feel worse. But either way, it gives me a place to be.

 

So here's my story, it sounds like so many others here - married over 10 years, 2 kids. I never imagined I would be in this position but I suppose nobody does. I always said that I'd never put up with being cheated on. Yet here I am, still here, not making a decision.

 

It was an EA, about 4 months, turned into a brief PA (1 time if I believe him, which I don't since I feel he still has no credibility). D-day was his choice. He told me about it 3 weeks after the PA.

 

No contact did not begin right away. He told me it did, yet I found out a couple of weeks later that she kept trying to contact him, and he said he was trying to get her to stay away so he talked to her. I've verified various ways that there has been no contact for at least 3 weeks now.

 

He has been completely remorseful, begging, groveling, providing complete transparency. But I think I might be one of those people who can never forgive. I know people have different viewpoints on this, but I think I can forgive the ONS (if it truly was a ONS). But the EA for months before, and for weeks after, I don't think I can get past. I keep thinking that he willfully and purposely was hurting me every time he typed on a computer to her, and every time he dialed her number.

 

We are going to MC. Counselor says I am too raw and hurt to make a decision right now. I think he truly is trying to do everything he possibly can to "fix" things. As if things could be "fixed". But I think it might be too late.

 

I feel hopeless. I think I can stay for the kids. I know, I know, many say it isn't good to stay for the kids. But I guess I'm old school, and I hope my kids can grow up with both their parents. I wish I didn't love him anymore. I almost wish he wasn't being so nice to me now. It would make my decision easier.

 

I wish I knew what to believe. As much as there's transparency now, I now can't shake the feeling that there's more, in the past. I don't know if my suspicions are instinctive, or a result of being deceived. Do polygraphs work?

 

Sorry for rambling. Thanks all for being here and providing support when people need it.

[TerryW]

I've been there. There's nothing I can say to make it all better. Just know I understand where you are and am wishing you the best. (((Huggs))) Terry

 

 

I made mine take the poly....You think you'll finally get "The Almighty Truth". It was a severe let down.

Edited March 19, 2011 by TerryW
forgot something

[seren]

Confused, a month and a half is so, so early days. I would imagine your head is a bit like your user name, confused, looking for answers, wanting to believe everything, but believing nothing. The constant asking, seeking for answers, hoping they will all add up. Believe me, it is par for the course for most BS's, we will have been exactly where you are now. If someone had told me that I would get bored and tired of asking I would have thought they had lost the plot, but the day came when I did, I had all I needed answering.

 

There is a line in the sand for everyone, the point where people say they cannot cross, or just don't want to. I would suggest you take time to look at what you want to happen. If you want to stay and work with your H and reconciliation, then you need a plan to help you to do this. The out of control feeling that A's cause aren't helped by the not knowing which way to turn after D Day, it's just more uncontrollable emotion and actions.

 

One of the things that always strikes me is that on D Day the WS just wants to forget it happened, but for us, the BS, it is just the beginning. The need to know everything sees most WS scuttling for cover as they do not want to be reminded of what they have done. Total transparecy, total NC and the absolute truth, no matter how painfulwas the way forward for me. Other may have other ways of dealing with this awful early days time for you.

 

I so, so hope you get some additional advice. I never thought of leaving, simply because I loved my H and understood the Why of the A. We are nigh onto 4 years after D Day, life is bloody great, we are better than ever, despite the A. It can happen.

 

Seren x

[confusedhere]

Terry and Seren, Thanks so much for your support. I really am so very confused. I want to run away every minute of the day, yet I want to bury my head in the sand in those very same minutes.

 

I don't know if I want to stay. But I know I will at least give it a try, if for nothing else, then for our kids. He says he'll take that for now and in the meantime he hopes I will allow him to show me how much he loves me and wants to fix things. As you said, I'm in the "wanting to believe everything, yet believing nothing" stage, so I am just trying to take a step back from grandiose declarations he's constantly making.

 

I think I understand the "why" of the A, and if I were in the business of believing him, I would believe it never would happen again. He has past experiences, certain traumas let's call it, that have never been addressed (slowly starting to address in counseling). And we had gotten into that common marital rut where he wasn't helping out at the house, and wasn't prioritizing me, partly because I was focusing on the kids too much, so we were in a cycle of - husband feels neglected, so is "mean", wife feels neglected, "withdraws" and so on and so forth. And with the unresolved past traumas in his life, he tends to blow things up in his mind, which he took this cycle to mean that I didn't love him at all.

 

But I just can't excuse any reason for cheating. If I can't excuse it, does that mean I can't move forward with it? Or can I learn to live with it eventually even though I believe that there really is no excuse for ever deciding to have an "A"???

[bloppy]

My H & I were in the marital rut when he had his A. It has has been a year and 1/2 since D-day and I still have moments of wondering if I can stay with him. We have 2 children and I can't imagine taking them away from their father but that is not the reason I stayed. I still love him & am trying to trust him. I still check his email & phone records though. Not everyday like I used to but I still check.

[TerryW]

I also understood "why" early on. I too stayed for the kids. He says the same things "He'll take that for now and is very grateful".

 

Just take the wait and see route. Keep looking for evidence. In my case he has kept up trying to make amends for his behavior, but it is still a gut wrenching ride. It's been almost two years now and he is treating me alot better and hasn't done anything to make me suspect him of doing anything wrong. But that being said I always remember what he is capable of doing and I hold my heart at a safe distance from him. I hope at some point I'll be able to truly forgive. I understand, but forgive is a step I can't take just yet. I am back in college. I feel the need to provide for myself and my kids if need be. It's made me "need" a backup plan in case he flakes.

 

This board has been a life saver for me. It has helped me more than the books.

[seren]

But I just can't excuse any reason for cheating. If I can't excuse it, does that mean I can't move forward with it? Or can I learn to live with it eventually even though I believe that there really is no excuse for ever deciding to have an "A"???

 

I never excuse my H for cheating, I certainly do not think there is ever any excuse for cheating either. I will never change my view of this. However, I understand that my H, having gone through his third Iraq tour, having been powerless to help his friends and watch them die left him feeling so wretched, so lacking in any self esteem that he felt not good enough, he felt toxic (his words). I had also had a bout with Cancer, he couldn't fix that either. Everywhere he turned, everything he valued and loved he felt he had nothing to offer, nothing of any worth in himself, so he had an A. It allowed him to be a different man, allowed him to forget and for him to escape.

 

Are these excuses or reasons? To me they are reasons, but I certainly don't excuse them, it just makes it sadder to me that he says that he knew only I could fix him, yet he didn't feel he deserved fixing by me. Now in some instances some could say it is no excuse, and no it possibly isn't, but it is a reason and that I can work with. We can work with how we communicate with each other, we cannot erase the A, but we can learn from it. It either consumes us or it becomes a part of our history and we learn from it and we change to ensure it never happens again.

 

I have never checked his phone, questioned where he is or who he is going with. On D Day I made a decision to work with him to fix us, if I cannot trust him then I would leave. Trusting with all of me happened recently, when I told him that he was my safe and silent place again he cried, he then knew I had let him in again - for me and my issues this is a massive thing. It can work, it takes work, bloody loads of it, but when it does and is succesful it is unbreakable.

[confusedhere]

Seren - my goodness, I think you just gave me something to hope for. I cried reading your post.

 

Seren, bloppy and Terry - I really appreciate you sharing with me. It is such a comfort to hear from others who have walked in my shoes before.

[Baroness67]

confusedhere,I could have written your original post. The only difference was that I confronted my husband after tons of suspicions with some evidence he could not deny (had a message from her on his cell phone) and he finally admitted to me what I had suspected. He had gone on a vacation with "work friends" both male and female, and he admitted he had slept with one of the women. ("We were really drunk and agreed not to do it again" - whatever)

 

However, he did not stop having contact with her, in fact he continued to socialize with her in groups (as far as I know) because they had to see each other. My husband had no power to leave his position (he owns his own business and it's not like the entire company is physically relocating anytime soon) and while she worked in the same building, the two businesses were separate.

 

I spent a lot of time in tears because I was so blindsided. This was my best friend, my true love, father of my children. I remember crying and asking him, 'do you even want to be buried next to me anymore?' It was an earthquake of my heart, my reality, my self-worth - you name it. I had flashes about killing myself, about killing him, about killing her. (None based in reality, of course, but sometimes the hurt can be so intense and your sense of reality so unmoored that LOTS of crazy stuff passes through your head.)

 

6 weeks out is not a long time at all, particularly if you were blindsided. I wasn't necessarily as blindsided as you, but it was close. I knew something was wrong as he had been distant for a while - I found out about 6 months after the PA, if it was a one-time thing.

 

I remember googling "how to fall out of love" because I just wished I could stop hurting over it. Stop crying, stop acting crazy, stop wanting to confront him, etc. The kids were seeing some of it and that was not at all how I wanted things - I was a child of divorce myself and never wanted to fight in front of our kids. But, it happened.

 

There were two breakthrough realizations that helped me along. One was that the way I was reacting to my husband's affair and reckless behavior (true midlife crisis) was actually fueling his behavior. The more I tore my hair out and wailed, the more he wanted to get away from me - and the more he justified it, in fact. The other was when I told my therapist that I was just not prepared for my world to be rocked like this - and she actually said to me, "actually since your own parents were divorced, you have been preparing for this moment all your life. You are just shocked that you found out you can do 'everything right' and still not be in control of whether it happens to you or not."

 

She was absolutely right. Anyway, after that, not only did I stop "fueling the fire" by focusing on my husband, but I started to take great stock in myself for my behavior after this earth-shattering experience. I did not actually kill myself, him or her. I didn't throw his clothes out onto the lawn and burn them. I didn't pack the kids up and move them out. I didn't gather all our friends and family into a room and tell them what he'd done. In fact, I didn't tell my family, and I didn't tell his. For a very, very long time. And when I did, I was very circumspect. When they said "well what did he do? What happened???", I said "you know what, I wasn't there. I can't say. But it wasn't consistent with our marriage."

 

Confusedhere, you are definitely too soon out to make any long-term decisions. Although you may feel like you want to run, throw him out, slash tires or scorch the earth, that never really works out. You need to take it day by day. What works for you one day might not work for you the next. It's all about getting through.

 

Actually I'm quite admiring of your husband admitting a PA to you so soon. That's good (think Miranda and Steve in Sex and the City - wish my husband had been as forthcoming, but then again it's not his MO anyway).

 

Nothing is too late to be "FIXED" as long as you and your husband understand you are not "fixing" anything to restore the same landscape you operated on up until this point. It's a new landscape - that was a hard one for me to accept, that we could never "go back" ... but remember, just because you can never "go back" doesn't mean that you can't "go forward" to something else positive. Something new. Something different. But, never the same again.

 

Life moves forward if you work at it, but wow, it does take effort. I just had to decide where my "forward" was and if I could live with it. I thought I was married to "that guy" and found out I was married to "this guy." Does his having this affair completely invalidate everything we have shared up until this point and what we could share for the rest of our lives. Is the good of our relationship larger than the "mistake" ? In my case, I decided yes. I think he did, too. (I have not been blameless ... I am not the same person he married 20 years ago, either. Admitted.)

 

And last, no, you can't polygraph them. You either decide that you are willing to extend trust, or that you can't trust and let go of it.

 

Either way, I didn't want to end my marriage, did not want to split up my family and did not want to seek out a new romantic relationship. Oddly, as a result of my just detaching and relaxing about it all, my husband and I have gradually grown closer again over a long period of time. It's not Romeo and Juliet, but you also know how that ended ...

[confusedhere]

Oh Baroness67, you made me laugh and cry.

 

"googling how to fall out of love" --> That totally made me laugh. That has been me, totally.

 

I was blindsided, but in hindsight, I should've known better. We had been having some tougher times the last month before the PA, but I assumed they were part of the typical "cycle". I didn't know it was because the EA was escalating and he was starting to believe I was trying to leave him. Things got so much better after the PA - supposedly because he realized his mistake right away and started changing his attitude toward me. He says that is why he told me soon after.

 

Luckily I don't have destructive feelings, that isn't my personality. But I tend to withdraw and "run away" from things -- so I think that's why I am so tempted to walk away. Thinking of the kids has kept me from making a rash decision though, and the more I read here, the better I feel about not making a "quick" decision. I know the therapist told me the same thing, but somehow hearing this from others who've been through this is more reassuring.

Edited March 20, 2011 by confusedhere

[Snowflower]

Hi Confused,

 

I'm also a fBW whose husband's affair had many similar details to what you describe and lasted for about the same amount of time. Like your situation, my H also confessed which since your H also did this it actually speaks very well of your H. (not saying that anything that he did regarding the A was a good thing.)

 

Hey, the fact that you are confused is completely normal and actually a good thing, IMO. It shows that you aren't just making a snap decision one way or the other about your marriage.

 

I think there is this perception of a cheated-on spouse that they automatically know exactly what to do when they are faced with infidelity. Think about all the movies/TV or books you've read where you've seen where a spouse finds out they were cheated on. What is the normal plot? They immediately throw their cheating spouse to the curb! (and then find the love of their life soon after -ah, fiction) It's what is expected. In my experience, a decision like that takes months, not moments, to decide.

 

Many therapists say that you (general you) should wait a minimum of 6 months and more like 12 months before making any major, life-changing decisions after finding out about infidelity. I think this is good advice. It will give your emotions some time to settle down and your perception about the A will become more clear. Believe it or not, as time goes on, you will begin to see your husband's A for what it is and what it is not. THEN, you will begin to get some clarity on whether you can eventually forgive or not or if you need to divorce.

 

Anyway, hang in there and give yourself some time. If your H has stopped the A and has recommitted to you, I don't think it normally hurts anything to give it a little time. If he was still cheating with her, then my advice would be different.

 

I know this is not easy. Like I said, my situation was quite similar to yours in some aspects so if I can help, just ask me!

[confusedhere]

Snowflower, I love the TV/Movie comparison!

 

I had actually been thinking about how TV shows portray infidelity when a spouse stays -- they show angst and conflict for a few episodes, then they never seem to mention it again, making it seem like it was just a regular fight that a couple gets over within weeks.

 

It was so very reassuring to come here and realize that the people who make their marriages work after an affair often go through the angst and conflict and hard work for many years.

 

When you say "Believe it or not, as time goes on, you will begin to see your husband's A for what it is and what it is not." --> what does that mean exactly? Could that really be a good thing? Right now, my husband's affair feels like a bad horrible thing that he did to me. Can I really look at this differently someday?

 

Today I realized, yet another thing that hurts my heart so much. Sure I don't trust my husband right now. But I didn't realize that despite his constant declarations of love and commitment for the last month and a half, I still constantly expect his next words to be "I changed my mind, this is too difficult. I don't love you enough."

 

Nothing he does or says NOW reflects that he would say that, but I feel that the affair and his behavior leading to, and immediately after, has made me think like that permanently. I wish I could say that if he were to say those words, it wouldn't hurt me too much because I want to run away anyway, but unfortunately, they would devastate me even more.

Edited March 21, 2011 by confusedhere

[Snowflower]

Snowflower,

When you say "Believe it or not, as time goes on, you will begin to see your husband's A for what it is and what it is not." --> what does that mean exactly? Could that really be a good thing? Right now, my husband's affair feels like a bad horrible thing that he did to me. Can I really look at this differently someday?

 

Would you believe that someone told me that same thing when I first joined LS, a few months after d-day? For some reason, that phrase has always remained with me.

 

It could be a good thing, depending on your husband and to some extent you. I am saying all this with the assumption that your H is honestly answering any questions that you have, and that he is answering and answering and answering!

 

Yes, in all likelihood you will look at all this differently someday, no matter if you remain married or end up divorced. As time goes on, you will begin to see your husband's affair for what it really was. And, you will slowly learn if you can live with that reality. Your perception/perspective will slowly change. It takes a lot of work and time but it does change. Life itself will intervene...life will go on, good things and not so good things will happen (unrelated to the affair) and you will slowly begin to understand what happened to your marriage in a different way.

 

And yes, how you feel today...the immense pain and confusion, will slowly get better.

 

I'm saying all these things under the assumption that your H remains 100% committed to you.

 

Hope that helps! I'm on my way out the door soon but if I can answer anything else, please let me know!

Today I realized, yet another thing that hurts my heart so much. Sure I don't trust my husband right now. But I didn't realize that despite his constant declarations of love and commitment for the last month and a half, I still constantly expect his next words to be "I changed my mind, this is too difficult. I don't love you enough."

 

 

Quick answer...yup, I remember those worries. You see, your husband not only destroyed your trust in him, he also broke your faith in him. The whole idea that "he has your back no matter what" is likely gone right now.

 

Faith and trust takes years to rebuild and to be honest, unless you and especially your H are willing to work very hard, faith and trust may never be recovered completely.

 

If I were you, I would tell your H what you said here. And see what his reaction/response is. Hopefully, he will respond with something like he will stay by your side no matter how long it takes...

[confusedhere]

And yes, how you feel today...the immense pain and confusion, will slowly get better

 

I never could've imagined how immense pain could really be. I've dealt with grief over death before, and thought that was painful. But this....this betrayal, nobody could possibly understand this pain unless they've been through this experience.

 

My H says all the right things now, and does all the right things, and then some, so much so that if he had been this way pre-affair, it would've been utopia. While I appreciate his efforts, and I truly love him, I still feel so hopeless, and it doesn't feel like this pain will ever go away.

 

It makes him so sad when I tell him I love him, and I want to try, but that all I can do is take things 1 day at a time. He does tell me he'll stick it out for however long it takes, and that helps reassure me for a short period, but as I do something completely unrelated, like work on a spreadsheet for work, or make dinner, I half expect him to come up to me or call me to say he's done with me.

 

I sure hope this pain subsides someday.

[Snowflower]

I never could've imagined how immense pain could really be. I've dealt with grief over death before, and thought that was painful. But this....this betrayal, nobody could possibly understand this pain unless they've been through this experience.

 

Yup, I know! My father died less than a year before my H's affair. I grieved my father. I miss him until this day. But the pain of my father's death pales compared to the betrayal by my H.

 

I agree that this betrayal is something you can't understand unless you've experienced it yourself. It's probably why I keep coming back to these boards...even 2 years later. I know there will be others here who will understand exactly what I have felt/am feeling.

 

My H says all the right things now, and does all the right things, and then some, so much so that if he had been this way pre-affair, it would've been utopia. While I appreciate his efforts, and I truly love him, I still feel so hopeless, and it doesn't feel like this pain will ever go away.

 

I know what you mean! The return of my H's affections after the affair ended was like a ray of sweet sunshine!

 

But, I don't understand why he didn't put this much effort in pre-affair. Oh, we've talked about it since...but I will always be a bit sad about that. The whole painful thing could have been averted.

It makes him so sad when I tell him I love him, and I want to try, but that all I can do is take things 1 day at a time. He does tell me he'll stick it out for however long it takes, and that helps reassure me for a short period, but as I do something completely unrelated, like work on a spreadsheet for work, or make dinner, I half expect him to come up to me or call me to say he's done with me.

 

IMO, he should feel sad when you tell him these things. He made this mess; he invited this horrible pain into your life (and his).

 

It will take a TON of constant reassurance from him that he is not going to walk away again. It's just how it is. He will need to continue to do everything he needs to in order to reassure you.

 

Do you think he "gets" what he has done? Does he understand the gravity of the situation he caused?

 

I sure hope this pain subsides someday.

 

It will! It will be on your own timeframe though. Everyone heals differently. For me, a lot of the pain is largely gone and I'm not quite 2.5 years out from d-day. They say it takes 2-5 years to heal, which seems very accurate to me--the longer I've been through this. However, I have yet to completely forgive my H for hurting me/for hurting us that way. I know that sounds bad, but it is the way it is for me.

 

The pain will subside or more accurately, you will get a new perspective on things which will help you see this painful episode for what it is.

[confusedhere]

Do you think he "gets" what he has done? Does he understand the gravity of the situation he caused?

 

I have no doubt he understands the gravity of the situation he created. And I think he "gets" it as much as anyone who hasn't been through this can "get" it. I just have no faith that he will remain this way, without becoming the person he was again during the A.

 

Even pre-EA, we had our marital rut and we had our issues, but we were a family who worked through things. But during the EA, his hurtful behavior really escalated (personally I think his behavior was out of character not only to me, but to the kids as well), culminating at the point of the PA, and shortly after is when he started to become the person he is being now.

 

So it is tough to reconcile that he won't "turn" that way again, kwim? He says he won't because he understands how he got there, and it was due to those stresses and his suspicious nature, mid-life crisis, and that back then, he turned away from me in his time of crisis instead of toward me, yada yada yada.

 

And I don't know how to handle the shame I feel. My family doesn't know, but his family knows, and they love him but don't condone his behavior (they have been very supportive). The affair partner was someone introduced to him by an old friend, so I'm sure many other people know as well. I know, I wasn't the one who did something wrong. But the thought of other people pitying me or thinking that I'm pathetic (even though I feel pretty pathetic) makes me hurt even more. Anyone out there who can give me tips on this one? Can I get through this?

[2sure]

You have read and been given good advice. Go slow, wait and see.

I'm not going to reiterate it. However, having also been in your shoes I think I might have one thing to offer while you are on your journey...that might give you some relief from the pain.

 

When a spouse commits infidelity , it feels like a crime and you are the victim. Being a victim, especially of someone who you love and trust - is especially violating. The rug is pulled from beneath you.

You know all this.

 

While your world is being put back into place - or a new place - try to wrap your head around this:

 

There is you, there is your husband, and there is the marriage. Ideally the marriage should be the rock.

 

Your husband did something terrible. He didnt do it specifically to hurt you and it was selfish and it was thoughtless and it was cruel. But the victim here is the marriage and himself.

 

It doesnt have to be you. Even though your pain is a result of his actions...when you picture the marriage as the victim and not yourself personally ...you gain some perspective, some strength.

[ComputerJock]

What ever your decision is in the future, right now you have to concentrate on your self and generate your battle plan. Look at family finances, list accounts, look at the budget. Check local sources for your rights in a divorce concerning child support and wife support. While investigating see if there is any hint that your husband is planning on dumping you and running. Don't believe what he says, watch and think about what he does. Read online sources on how to handle a divorce. I didn't say get divorce, but plan for it so you will be in a better position if you decide to get one. Go to IC for your own sake, work out, eat healthy and try and get rest. You are in a war of emotions and the one who thinks cleary and has already a plan in place is usually the winner.

[confusedhere]

You have read and been given good advice. Go slow, wait and see.

 

Yes I agree, I have received such insightful responses here. I was leery to post and lurked for a long time. But I find that I'm almost getting more from here than from counseling.

 

But the victim here is the marriage and himself.

 

It doesnt have to be you.

 

Thank you so much for this. I will try to remember this. If I can get myself to see this, then I think it would truly help me, whatever I decide.

[confusedhere]

Don't believe what he says, watch and think about what he does.

 

Thank you for this advice - I think I have been sub-consciously doing this, being hyper-aware of his "actions."

[What_Next]

First and foremost I was saddened to read your post. If there is any comfort, you are NOT alone. I know it doesn't necessarily help some days, but you might just find solace in the notion that you aren't losing your mind. Many BS have the very same thoughts, feelings, fears etc.

 

It is very common to mention a concept that the aftermath of an affair compares to dealing with a death, in fact there are stages just like greiving.

 

I also know that you've heard this before and even in this thread, but it DOES get better with time.

 

Now, a piece of advice, don't let ANYONE, and I mean ANYONE dictate your speed of recovery. A friend, a therapist, your husband, NO ONE. You go down this road at your speed.

 

Hang in there, keep posting.

[confusedhere]

I know it doesn't necessarily help some days, but you might just find solace in the notion that you aren't losing your mind. Many BS have the very same thoughts, feelings, fears etc.

 

It really helps to be here. There is so much comfort, almost uncanny really, how others have such similar stories and feelings.

 

I lurked on another site first, immediately after D-Day, and there was so much negativity that I was very apprehensive about sharing with others. I found this site about a week after D-Day and started reading and got so much out the posts. There was so much more objectivity, if I can call it that, no extreme optimism, yet no extreme pessimism either.

[Snowflower]

I

 

 

And I don't know how to handle the shame I feel. My family doesn't know, but his family knows, and they love him but don't condone his behavior (they have been very supportive). The affair partner was someone introduced to him by an old friend, so I'm sure many other people know as well. I know, I wasn't the one who did something wrong. But the thought of other people pitying me or thinking that I'm pathetic (even though I feel pretty pathetic) makes me hurt even more. Anyone out there who can give me tips on this one? Can I get through this?

 

Please don't feel shame! Remember, you did nothing wrong...it was all your H. If anything, you should feel a bit proud of yourself for even trying to give him another chance!

 

As for what other people think, who cares?! If they can't try to understand what you are going through and empathize with you...are they really people who you would want in your life anyway?

 

As for the friends who knew the OW...well geez, what kind of friends are they? If they are cavalier about the whole thing then screw them! But maybe they feel embarrassed or horrified by what happened by that introduction. I think many people would feel absolutely awful if they inadvertently introduced an AP to a married person and caused the near destruction of a marriage.

 

Some BS's tell everyone they know what happened and other BS's tell no one. It is an individual choice. My only suggestion is...do you have a friend whom you can trust who maybe you can consider confiding in? You know, that type of friend who is always there for you?

 

This is just my opinion, but I think it helps to have at least one person IRL to confide in. Then you don't feel so alone and don't have to carry all the burden of this terrible knowledge by yourself. It's completely your decision...but maybe it would help ease your pain even a little bit.

 

BTW, I'm glad that posting here is helping you. To this day, this is the place I can go to talk about that painful experience with others who have walked the same path. I also found LS to be tons more helpful than therapy!

[Snowflower]

You have read and been given good advice. Go slow, wait and see.

I'm not going to reiterate it. However, having also been in your shoes I think I might have one thing to offer while you are on your journey...that might give you some relief from the pain.

 

When a spouse commits infidelity , it feels like a crime and you are the victim. Being a victim, especially of someone who you love and trust - is especially violating. The rug is pulled from beneath you.

You know all this.

 

While your world is being put back into place - or a new place - try to wrap your head around this:

 

There is you, there is your husband, and there is the marriage. Ideally the marriage should be the rock.

 

Your husband did something terrible. He didnt do it specifically to hurt you and it was selfish and it was thoughtless and it was cruel. But the victim here is the marriage and himself.

 

It doesnt have to be you. Even though your pain is a result of his actions...when you picture the marriage as the victim and not yourself personally ...you gain some perspective, some strength.

 

This is nicely said, 2sure! I hope the OP finds comfort in it.

[confusedhere]

This is just my opinion, but I think it helps to have at least one person IRL to confide in. Then you don't feel so alone and don't have to carry all the burden of this terrible knowledge by yourself. It's completely your decision...but maybe it would help ease your pain even a little bit.

 

BTW, I'm glad that posting here is helping you. To this day, this is the place I can go to talk about that painful experience with others who have walked the same path. I also found LS to be tons more helpful than therapy!

 

I wish I had a friend IRL who I felt comfortable enough to confide in. I had a friend like that, one who I spoke with very regularly and was the only one I really confided in when H and I would have issues in the past - she died a little over a year ago. That was the grief over death I was talking about in my other post. Other than her, H was my other confidant.

 

So for now, you guys are it Thanks again for all the support.