Thoughts

[hunk]

I'm starting this thread as a sort of follow up to compliment Gator and CaliGuy's threads on NC. Basically these are observations i've made from my own experience with women and that have stood true throughout my life. It's not really structured, more just a bunch of ramblings and thoughts..

 

First of all, alot of you have probably already made the mistake of establishing your dumper as the victim post-breakup. By this i mean making your dumper feel good about themselves, like they've done the right thing and consequently basically putting yourself in the position of being a permanent doormat throughout the entire process. This could've been through long winded emotional phone calls, emails, text messages, stating how you will change, how you need them and how good you are for eachother. In your head, this makes sense as you think "well i'm showing her how i feel, these are my true emotions, and we ARE perfect for eachother, she's just confused and can't see it yet" As you should know, this will do nothing but drive them away. You were dumped for a reason, she's checked out of the relationship to an extent that she doesn't want to attempt to make it work. She's done with you, she's not in love with you and there is absolutely nothing you can say or do that will change that. I need to emphasize this, there is NOTHING you can do. ANY attempt at this point will push her further and further away, while any respect she has for you dwindles down even more.

 

The best form of action post breakup is immediate NC. I can't stress this enough and neither can most of the regulars here. If you've already ****ed around for a month trying to win her back, then you've done some pretty heavy damage and it's just going to mean an extra month or two of NC.

Now let me explain my observations on women based on my experience. I've been with alot of girls, and literally no two have been alike, but this is what i can deduce from almost every single experience /relationship i've had.

 

Women want a man. Yes, they want a man who's in touch with their emotions, but this definitely doesn't mean a man who cries and begs and pleads. It's all about DIGNITY, and understanding basic attraction. All you really need to do to understand this concept is place yourself in a womans' position. How would you react to a sobbing, desperate man begging for you back? You'd genuinely feel sorry for him, i'd probably laugh in his face. Women want a man they can respect, a man who no matter how hard things get will be able to hold himself steady. They want a man who places importance on his relationship but not to the extent that it overrides everything else in his life. Women want "simple" men, guys. Not simple in the sense of being stupid, dull or boring, i mean simple in terms of emotional expression and communication. They want men who can express themselves in a straightforward and no-bs manner when things are bothering them, because it's a natural urge, not bottle it up and let it turn to resentment later. They don't want moody, reserved men with complicated inabilities to express themselves, that end up erupting post break up with pages of emotion and whinging. Just speak from your heart. Communication is the key. Let the little things slide, don't over analyze things, and let your partner know when something ACTUALLY bothers you. It's your ability to recognize and assess the significance in things that will prolong your relationship. Respect is everything. Women WANT to respect you. It's natural in a mate. If there is no respect, you're done, and a surefire way to kill any respect she has towards you is by throwing away your dignity.

A man's dignity and self worth is the most powerful aphrodisiac we have. From it stems our sense of confidence. Your dignity defines you, without it you are nothing, just a weak husk of a human. What woman is worth completely stripping yourself of your dignity? Your dignity keeps your head held high in tough situations, keeps you motivated. Everything you were to her in the beginning is now irrelevant. She most likely respected you for your sense of self worth, your passions, your individuality, and this would've been undeniably attractive. Once you break NC, all of this is out the window. You've just shown her you can't live without her. You've proved to her you're weak and you literally NEED her. You've proved you value her above YOURSELF. There is literally no one on the face of this planet that will find this attractive. This is why women go for stereotypically "bad boys". They don't care. They know that they're a catch and that if a woman were to leave them, it's their loss. I understand that emotion dictates alot of these irrational post breakup actions, and that even the most self respecting man can be reduced to a sobbing baby during the loss of a woman purely due to emotion. But it's this ability to control your emotion, to differentiate between irrational behaviour spurred on by emotions, and logical thinking, that will have the biggest effect on not only coping with loss, but also during the rebuilding and possible reconciliation stage.

 

For now, you must accept your relationship as over. If you want her back, you have to start from scratch. This process is entirely about the rebuilding of you. Your own self worth, your own dignity. If you can't do this, you won't have a chance in hell of getting over her. You HAVE to re evaluate your thought process. SHE dumped YOU. She should be nothing in your eyes right now. This doesn't mean resenting her. This means being completely indifferent to her. Get her off the pedestal you've placed her on all this time and see her for what she really is, another woman. If she dances with another guy, who cares? So what? How is this going to affect you. Think about it. Sure, it'll hurt your ego. That's about it. That pain you feel when you see her with other men? That's your ego taking another haymaker. Understand this feeling. It's not going to kill you. It's perfectly natural. If she has a one night stand, who cares? She isn't yours. She'll most likely wake up and feel like complete **** and even hate herself for a while. If she goes out drinking - again, this means nothing. Where will this lead? She'll be drunk. She'll flirt with some guys. She'll come home and wake up with a hangover. That is it. She's literally just ANOTHER PERSON. She's not a goddess, she's not "the one". You've built her up as something larger than life when in reality she's just another number. I understand this is easier said than done. Trust me. But if you can get this idea into your head then you will be infinitely stronger, and you'll feel a constant sense of calm. Trust me on that aswell. When you start concentrating on yourself rather than her, you start to realise that anything she does is irrelevant to you, unless she wants to reconcile your relationship.

 

You need to review your position as a man. Stop sitting at home on facebook looking at her profile, seeing that she's been out and with other guys. Get out there. Get some life experience. Meet new people. Build yourself. Sculpt yourself. Turn yourself into something to be proud of, learn new things, travel, see things you've always wanted. She is a woman. You are a man. No matter the situation YOU are the one wielding the power here, and you always should be.

 

During NC you need to understand that she isn't going anywhere. She's not going to disappear. She'll carry on with her life and that's what you need to do. If you had a strong relationship and connection, and especially if you ended on decent terms, she is going to think about you. She'll wonder what you're doing, why you haven't called. The only case in which she won't is if you've completely repulsed her beyond repair. NC makes her feel lonely at night. NC makes her miss talking to you after she's had a **** day at work. BREAKING NC will give her all of this comfort back immediately. If you don't know why this is a bad thing then, you're pretty much doomed.

 

When you see eachother out, this is crucial. You have to be happy, (there's no reason why you shouldn't be). You have to show her you accept that life goes on and you just want to enjoy yourself. Everyone wants what they can't have. Don't sit there looking at her. Avoid any contact including eye contact, and if you have to be around her, just give her a smile and say something light hearted. (if she's with her friends just say something like "hey girls") and that's it. You need to get rid of any suspected resentment between you and her, and being indifferent is the best way to do this. Show her how happy you are. She'll leave with a new impression of you, an impression closer to that of her first when she started becoming interested in you. This sounds bad, but she will want you to be miserable. She'll want to know that she's needed. She wants that ego stroke. When you deny her this completely, she'll start thinking. Women also however need security. She'll start thinking of all the good times you shared, how you made her feel, how unique you were, and that now you're free to have any woman you want, to make any woman feel like that. She will also be free, but she'll know how much more it means to a woman to find a decent man than what it means to a man finding a decent woman. Once again this is all assuming that you ended on decent terms and you had a loving relationship.

 

You must continue with NC relentlessly until she comes back or you are completely over her, whichever comes first. She most likely won't come back, but as i said, if you had something special then chances are she will at least make an attempt to contact you. With this contact, you do nothing. You don't need her to validate you anymore. "hey whats up?" - no. "what you up to.." - no. "i miss you so much i've made a horrible mistake. i don't know what i was thinking. you mean everything to me. can we please meet up at some point?" - yes.

[robinseggblue]

Perfect. Except for this:

 

" but she'll know how much more it means to a woman to find a decent man than what it means to a man finding a decent woman."

 

Meh.

 

Otherwise, inspiring, well thought out and written. Masterpiece material.