boyamiembarrassed Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 (edited) Hey everyone, I'm still struggling with a situation that started a long time ago, back in October. I made a thread about it here, so check it out if you have the time. To summarize, a girl I had been dating came over to have sex, but I was too nervous and couldn't get it up. But this girl was really sexually empowered, and I felt impotent to her (figuratively and literally), so I took it really hard, it ate at my self-esteem. We never had sex again. We stopped seeing each other in November. I "beat her to the plate" by breaking up with her, which may have been a mistake, but I ended it after a date that I felt like I had to wrestle out of her, and during that date, she made an excuse about not kissing me. Imagine that, going from inviting herself over to my place and getting flush in the cheeks when I touch her, to not even wanting to kiss me. I just felt so horrible, so unsexy, so uncool and uninteresting, so undesirable a man. I'm tearing up a little as I write this and I really don't like myself for it. Of course, to her, it's nothing like that. I was just supposed to be fun, and I was, until I wasn't. I'm sure she doesn't think about me anymore, and I'm not saying that to be mopey, but rather to illustrate how this sorta ****ed me up in a self-centered way, and she has no idea. She's just a 19 year old girl trying to have fun. I wasn't even that sure that we could every work out as bf/gf, but I really fell for her, and so this hurt. I call it a break up, but we were never together, so I don't even feel right calling it that. I feel stupid, like I handled her all wrong and lost all my power, like I should have been seeing other women like she was seeing other men, because that's the way we could have each felt our sexiest. I don't know, I'm not even making sense at this point. When we broke up, she said I was special and that she wanted to be friends, but when I tried to take her up on that, she dodged my calls. I still think about her, even though at this point, she's a stranger to me. It really shook me up. But things are not horrible, I'm seeing someone else (in the most extremely casual sense of the word) who seems to like me, so I'm slowly trying to get over this. I was inspired to write this because I was minding my own business, messing around on the internet before going out to meet a friend, when -- and this is just so ridiculous, it's almost like I'm going to laugh about it in a few years -- I came across this image of a girl with rugburn on her knees and I swear to you, my heart sank into my stomach. (In case you haven't read the original thread, this is because when we were sitting on the couch after I couldn't keep an erection and felt like I was doing a horrible job, I noticed that she had rugburn on her knees, and she admitted it was from having sex with someone else.) I just don't know what to do. I can't judge her. I can't call her a "slut" or something, because we were not committed and she was up front about it. It's all very confusing. I felt then and I feel now that my emotions are not okay, or not normal. Like, I don't know why I took it so hard, I don't factually understand why I would be upset by her rugburn, and I can't justify it to myself. I know it has really affected me because of how visceral my response was to seeing that internet image; clearly I was hurt by that, clearly I was hurt. I just can't believe I'm not past this; I just felt so horrible about myself and my ability to please a woman, to be interesting and cool and desirable, after this whole thing. I guess I still feel like a loser; a skinny, awkward, boring loser. I lost the self-esteem I had worked so hard to gain back over the last year or so. I don't know what to say or do about it, so... I don't know. I love this community so please, whatever you can say, I just think I need help. Edited March 18, 2011 by boyamiembarrassed
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