Intricategirl Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I was supposed to go out with a guy this weekend, and when I spoke with him for the first time over the phone last night, he told me he had a cat. Then he proceeded to say with a lot of vitriol in his voice, "This is typical of my ex-wife. Anytime she can't take care of something she just dumps it." It kind of shocked me. I mean, I'm not my ex-husband's biggest fan, and I wouldn't expect anyone to be crazy about their ex. But keep the bitterness under control for a few dates at least! I guess I felt like it would only be a matter of time before I do something that disappoints him, and I get blamed for it. And I did that with my ex-husband, I don't need to repeat the mistake. I've also dated someone with those anger issues towards their ex, and it was not fun. At some point, you've got to let it go and realize that you don't live with that person anymore, so you don't have to clean up their messes, and you don't have to get bent out of shape every time they get ugly. I mean, just because his ex didn't want the cat doesn't mean he has to take it, and it's kind of making himself into a victim when he had other options. This is kind of a step forward for me. In the past, my boundaries were low enough that I probably would have gone out with him because I wouldn't want to hurt him. But I'd be putting that hurt on myself instead. Still, it doesn't feel nice. I find myself vacillating between feeling like I'm making the right decision, and feeling like I'm ditching him over something petty that may or may not be the case. It may simply be my interpretations based on MY past history. Ugh. Mostly just wanted to vent and think out loud.
tigressA Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I think you made a good choice. I willfully ignored comments of a similar nature from my ex, and they turned out to betray his true nature--a selfish cheater who always made himself the victim.
Carm Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I think you made a great move, to me that would have been a red flag and so you listened to your gut which is a good thing. I had pulled the plug as you say to a guy that had lied about his age on an online dating site and when we spoke on the phone he fessed up to that....my ex was a habitual liar and to me this was a red flag.
mizliz Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Yup - huge red flag! Good for you for trusting your instincts.
Author Intricategirl Posted March 19, 2011 Author Posted March 19, 2011 I'm the sort that's friendly with my exes, even when they don't deserve it. I just got off the phone with a guy I used to date, and he was an absolute disaster. We had no business in a relationship together, but he's the best friend I could ask for, and he always treated me well. I regularly chat with my ex-husband and tomorrow I'm having an exBF over for a dinner party. Both treated me awfully. But now that I don't have to be in a relationship with them- who cares. I can keep all the parts that I thought were decent and tell them to go screw themselves when they are acting stupidly. And I think about how horrible my ex-husband was to me, and that if anyone deserves to hate their ex, I've got reasons. But what's the point? Big deal, your ex left you with an expensive cat. That makes your daughter happy. I'm not seeing the problem. It's time to move on, perhaps. But, and this is a big BUT, listening to my gut is what gets me involved with these guys in the first place. So I worry that it's possible self-sabotage, since something's obviously wrong with my "picker". So if listening to my gut is what's required, how can I know if it's the right decision or not. :S That is my dilemma.
Carm Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I think a lot of people can say something is wrong with their picker...they say we can only have healthy relationships when we are in a healthy state of mind. When I think back to where I was in my life when I met my ex, it was a disaster and I missed so many red flags because I wanted the relationship to work. After it was all over, I put myself into therapy to figure out things. When I finally put myself out there, I literally had a list of red flags that were absolute deal breakers and I stuck to my guns so maybe sorting out what you are not going to put up with is a good place to start.
Author Intricategirl Posted March 19, 2011 Author Posted March 19, 2011 Wow. You missed like the ENTIRE point. Well done.
mizliz Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 I'm the sort that's friendly with my exes, even when they don't deserve it. I just got off the phone with a guy I used to date, and he was an absolute disaster. We had no business in a relationship together, but he's the best friend I could ask for, and he always treated me well. I regularly chat with my ex-husband and tomorrow I'm having an exBF over for a dinner party. Both treated me awfully. But now that I don't have to be in a relationship with them- who cares. I can keep all the parts that I thought were decent and tell them to go screw themselves when they are acting stupidly. And I think about how horrible my ex-husband was to me, and that if anyone deserves to hate their ex, I've got reasons. But what's the point? Big deal, your ex left you with an expensive cat. That makes your daughter happy. I'm not seeing the problem. It's time to move on, perhaps. But, and this is a big BUT, listening to my gut is what gets me involved with these guys in the first place. So I worry that it's possible self-sabotage, since something's obviously wrong with my "picker". So if listening to my gut is what's required, how can I know if it's the right decision or not. :S That is my dilemma. I'm gonna say that it isn't your gut you are listening to. Instead, listen to that voice in your head that says, STOP. Ex's are Ex's for a reason. Leave the past in the past. Move forward and enjoy new people. No one wants to date someone who talks incessently about their past. Good luck!
dreamingoftigers Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Ah yes, the age old double-standard... Woman dumps guy who tells of having a cat, yet heaven forbid men should avoid dating single mothers. What can we say, we don't like guys with pussies!
Art_Critic Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 This is kind of a step forward for me. In the past, my boundaries were low enough that I probably would have gone out with him because I wouldn't want to hurt him. Good for you....and don't fell bad about not going out with the guy.. Lord.. he brought up bitterness about his exwife in the first phone call with you.. I can't imagine the bitterness the guy would have shown once he got to know you.. and honestly you got a glimpse into how he would have talked about you after a breakup.
Author Intricategirl Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 Dreaming- Ha! Nice! Art- exactly. And when I wrote and told him, he was very sweet. Which naturally made me second guess myself and think that maybe I misread him. But I'm friends with several of my exes. The way they treated me in a relationship has no bearing on how they treat me outside of a relationship, and I don't have to put up with a lot of behaviors that I otherwise might tolerate (and as I get more and more "evolved" in dating, I figure out that I don't have to put up with them inside of a relationship either). So, it's a foreign concept to have someone who speaks disrespectfully about an ex. I understand that they are exes for a reason, but that's the mother of your child. Speak about them with honor, even if you can't with love. And I begin thinking that someday, I will do something stupid. And I'll have to accept the blame, and get more piled on top of me, whether I deserve it or not. And if he gets bent out of shape over a cat, how horribly am I going to be crucified when I twist my ankle skydiving again? Or when I take off for a weekend trip on the spur of the moment? Or when I go have dinner with my ex-husband? I absolutely may have missed out on a great guy. But for ME, it didn't feel right.
Author Intricategirl Posted March 20, 2011 Author Posted March 20, 2011 And as a secondary thought- it feels really good to come here, and vent, and be somewhat unsure of myself, and be able to ask for opinions. And to have so many people telling me, "No, you're on the right track" feels good. I've made some dumb boyfriend choices in the past, and put up with stuff I shouldn't have. So it's nice to feel like maybe I'm moving in the right direction. Thanks, guys.
sniffys Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Ah yes, the age old double-standard... Woman dumps guy who tells of having a cat, yet heaven forbid men should avoid dating single mothers. wow u have issues. i dont think u ever made a post that made it seem like u had a heart, or anyone to love you. op: I have no idea why that guy you're dating would even mind a cat. Cats can take care of their own selves. Of course u cant leave it for a few days without someone looking after it and feeding it. You're better off without him, he isnt mad about the cat, he is mad about his ex-wife. He shouldnt have shown that side to you..we all have ugly sides. We all become bitter at some point.
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