Karateman Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Hi guys, First of all, I'd just like to say I would sincerely appreciate any help. Basically, I have been going out with this woman for 3 months. I met her around New Years. She is my age, and I was initially very glad to go out with her because she shared my religion and she is one of the nicest people I have ever met in my entire life (and that's saying something!). She loves me to pieces and has never really done anything negative. I basically have free reign in my life - she is not overbearing in the least. However, I have a sincere issue. I am just not really attracted to her. She is definitely cute - a very skinny, petite woman. I typically like women with a little more on them, but all of my friends and others who know her would agree that she is a cute girl, but I'm just not very into her. I never was very infatuated with her looks, but I always tried to look at the best parts of her - her legs, her eyes, etc. At first I was pretty ok with that, and I appreciated the companionship and affection I missed since I had broken up with an ex-fiance of 3 years. Recently, I went on a trip for a couple of weeks to Turkey. There, I met a woman who clicked with me real well (she has a hot personality, I have a cool personality - as someone so laid back, it was nice to be around a fiery chick who put me on my toes). We instantly clicked and we meshed to the point where the locals thought she was my wife, our friends thought we were together, and she even started calling me "husband," kept inviting me to her bedroom, and started dressing all sexy. We went to nightclubs together and everything, and I can honestly say I felt more strongly about this girl than I ever did for my GF. She was my type physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally, although I have not really pursued her since returning since she has a BF. I also met a few women there I also found myself drawn to more strongly than my GF who already write me. The whole trip I had to try egregiously hard no to cheat on my GF (although by some standards, I did cheat, admittedly), and I did not miss my GF an ounce. I even failed to contact her for a few days. It is extremely important to me that I find a woman who is a fellow Christian, as I believe philosophically different people very rarely combine to have a good relationship. And I found one, but I am just not that attracted. Regrettably, I already went a bit of a ways physically with her, a violation of my commitment to Christ, and as anyone knows, a physical relationship often spurs emotional attachment. Since returning I have distance myself physically, although I give her hugs and kisses and I'll cuddle to watch a movie - and even that feels weird and wrong and I don't initiate it. I am just wondering what I should do. I care dearly for this girl - I really do. I sincerely do not want to break her heart, and I don't want to miss out on a girl who is otherwise quite perfect out of reasons that are totally VAIN! I have tried to force myself to be attracted to her, because she is such a great person, but it seems that attraction is not really a choice, but kind of an instinct. Without attraction, I do not feel compelled to advance the relationship towards marriage. In fact, I find myself dismantling the progress I have made. Here is what I plan to do: I plan to tell her that I feel we advanced a bit quickly. We already talked about marrying someday, and to my chigrin she brings up the prospect of children and living together and whatnot. I also plan to tell her we need to talk about serious matters - such as the fact that she is basically a career woman with a world class education. Who would take care of the kids? Seriously, I can't, I have my own ambitions, although I would love to take care of a more traditional style family. She would have to put a career on hold. I also have some travel plans and I am an amateur martial artist which is time-demanding. Lastly, I plan to tell her we need to take a break physically in order to clear our heads. I want to take this break - from making out even - in order to clear my head and make a solid decision as to whether to pursue this relationship or not. I want to make the WISE decision. I don't want to do something I'll regret! I feel like I would regret staying with her, and I would regret breaking up with her - so it's a tough choice. Let me know what you think. As I said, I would sincerely appreciate any help.
Imajerk17 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 You already know the "wise decision". You need to break up with this woman. Every tactic you mentioned is just prolonging that and putting the responsibility on her (by suggesting terms and conditions you know she won't like). That is cowardly on your part, and unfair to her. Eh, does Jesus have a take about going to nightclubs?
carhill Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Welcome to LS Generally, here on LS, when a man calls a woman his 'girlfriend', this implies exclusive sexual and emotional bonding. That you've been pursuing other women and comparing them to your girlfriend tells me you should, if only upon the grounds of respecting her, break up with her so you both can pursue more compatible people. Your revelation of your lack of attraction to her will probably hurt her, but in time she will come to respect your honesty. I will suggest, if you choose to break up, do not share your 'comparisons' with her. No need. Be aware, as you grow older, your parameters of attraction will evolve. Life is nothing if not ever-changing. Good luck
Author Karateman Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 Thanks a lot Carhill - You're correct - I also would never do anything to add insult to injury by telling her how I arrived at my realizations. I will be honest with her, but I'll leave it at I'm not feeling attracted as a whole. It really breaks me to think I will cause such a good hearted person such hurt. I can't stand it - that's where the cowardice comes from. I'm fain to hurt another human being - I'm not afraid of the backlash or anger, I just don't want to see her bawl her eyes out and slip into a depression - which I am sure she would. If I could bear the brunt of the pain for her, I'd do it, but that's not possible. @Imajerk - I appreciate you blunt commentary which goes straight to the point. As for the question, I don't believe Jesus would object to hanging out at a nightclub, although it depends on the club. There are certainly things one can do at a club that would be wrong, but there's nothing inherently wrong with having a few drinks and dancing (unless you're a Seventh Day Adventist or something - which I'm not).
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Hi guys, First of all, I'd just like to say I would sincerely appreciate any help. Basically, I have been going out with this woman for 3 months. I met her around New Years. She is my age, and I was initially very glad to go out with her because she shared my religion and she is one of the nicest people I have ever met in my entire life (and that's saying something!). She loves me to pieces and has never really done anything negative. I basically have free reign in my life - she is not overbearing in the least..... (. . .) ]She is definitely cute - a very skinny, petite woman. I typically like women with a little more on them, but all of my friends and others who know her would agree that she is a cute girl, but I'm just not very into her. I never was very infatuated with her looks, but I always tried to look at the best parts of her - her legs, her eyes, etc. At first I was pretty ok with that, and I appreciated the companionship and affection I missed since I had broken up with an ex-fiance of 3 years. [/i] Yeah...blah, blah, blah.... Why, oh why does this occur with such alarming frequency?? First they start of praising their GF's/BF's to high heaven.... Then, we get this.... However, I have a sincere issue. Which is another way of saying - "I messed up big time".... Then comes the obvious crusher..... I am just not really attracted to her. Why? because this - THIS - always, but always happens.... .....There, I met a woman who clicked with me real well (she has a hot personality, I have a cool personality - as someone so laid back, it was nice to be around a fiery chick who put me on my toes). We instantly clicked and we meshed to the point where the locals thought she was my wife, our friends thought we were together, and she even started calling me "husband," kept inviting me to her bedroom, and started dressing all sexy. We went to nightclubs together and everything, and I can honestly say I felt more strongly about this girl than I ever did for my GF. She was my type physically, emotionally, spiritually and mentally, although I have not really pursued her since returning since she has a BF. I also met a few women there I also found myself drawn to more strongly than my GF who already write me. The whole trip I had to try egregiously hard no to cheat on my GF (although by some standards, I did cheat, admittedly), and I did not miss my GF an ounce. I even failed to contact her for a few days. Nice. Real Christian of you..... Make no mistake. You cheated, big time. Oh yes, you sure did. You knew exactly what you were doing, and you did it with every intention of cheating. Emotional, physical, whatever. you behaved like a rat. It is extremely important to me that I find a woman who is a fellow Christian, as I believe philosophically different people very rarely combine to have a good relationship. And I found one, but I am just not that attracted. Regrettably, I already went a bit of a ways physically with her, a violation of my commitment to Christ, Do excuse me, I had to leave the room, I couldn't believe I'd read this.... I'm sorry, this is so hypocritical, I don't know where to begin....What about your commitment to her, in relation to your disgraceful behaviour in Turkey, Jerky? and as anyone knows, a physical relationship often spurs emotional attachment. Since returning I have distance myself physically, although I give her hugs and kisses and I'll cuddle to watch a movie - and even that feels weird and wrong and I don't initiate it. Then tell her, now, Right now, this minute, that you are breaking up with her, and tell her why. Honestly. tell her why, and be truthful. or is this another thinkg you're going to massage to your own definition? I am just wondering what I should do. I care dearly for this girl - I really do. I sincerely do not want to break her heart, Ooops! Too late! You should have thought of that before - and during - your liaisons! and I don't want to miss out on a girl who is otherwise quite perfect out of reasons that are totally VAIN! I have tried to force myself to be attracted to her, because she is such a great person, but it seems that attraction is not really a choice, but kind of an instinct. Without attraction, I do not feel compelled to advance the relationship towards marriage. In fact, I find myself dismantling the progress I have made. Yes, I see.....you feel dreadfully guilty, but obviously not quite guilty enough.... Here is what I plan to do: I plan to tell her that I feel we advanced a bit quickly. We already talked about marrying someday, and to my chigrin she brings up the prospect of children and living together and whatnot. I also plan to tell her we need to talk about serious matters - such as the fact that she is basically a career woman with a world class education. Who would take care of the kids? Seriously, I can't, I have my own ambitions, although I would love to take care of a more traditional style family. She would have to put a career on hold. I also have some travel plans and I am an amateur martial artist which is time-demanding. In other words, you want to give her a load of Bull-sh*t, because you want to protect yourself from any blame for being a complete @sshole.... yes, I see how that would work.... So lying is also the easy way out. Neat. Lastly, I plan to tell her we need to take a break physically in order to clear our heads. I want to take this break - from making out even - in order to clear my head and make a solid decision as to whether to pursue this relationship or not. I want to make the WISE decision. I don't want to do something I'll regret! I feel like I would regret staying with her, and I would regret breaking up with her - so it's a tough choice. No it's not. It's actually very simple. you're just gilding the lily. What you want to do is to break it off with her completely, but make it look as if you're giving it some thought and consideration. Whereas in actual fact, all you want to really do is to put as much distance between you and her as possible, in order to make it easier on you to break up with her. Much better to lead her on gently, and leave her in an uncertain fog with no real closure, than to man up, grow some balls and a spine, and just for once - be completely honest, frank, forthright and sincere - and show her how lucky she is to actually be getting rid of you? Let me know what you think. As I said, I would sincerely appreciate any help. I have a reputation round here of not pulling punches. Consider yourself punched. But let me tell you - you deserve every blow, fellah.
Author Karateman Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 Also, I definitely realize that attraction parameters evolve with age, and that beauty eventually fades. However, I was engaged to one girl for about 3 years. I was attracted to her and never even flirted with another girl as long as I was with her. I could tell I would have been attracted to her a she aged, because she just radiated an energy that drew me in. This girl I am with now does not radiate that energy. She seems to me to be the kind of person who would make an excellent friend, but I know the chances of that are nil.
Author Karateman Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 @Tara - Aye, I make no claim to being perfect, and am fully aware of my own shameful behavior. While I disagree with some of your assessments and conclusions, you're totally correct that I essentially acted like a "rat" and it was unchristian and totally wrong. I won't argue with you on the parts where I disagree, but I want to be clear that I am not trying to cover or excuse what I did, I'm only trying to figure out where to go from here, that's why I asked. Trust me, my own conscience pulls punches a lot harder than you ever could.
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Two wrongs don't make a right. If you messed up - come clean, admit it, and make a clean break. Sure, it takes courage. But it took no courage to cheat on her, did it? Then you better take it on the chin, deal with it, get it over and done with, and let her - and you - off this convoluted hook once and for all.
Author Karateman Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 @Tara - Correct - Thanks a lot for not pulling any punches - I appreciate that. Well, I have to go see her now. I know what to do - I have to take it on the chin as you said. And I learned some serious lessons. I'm not worried to tell her what I did, I am just sad to break up with her - and I am sad because it will make her sad, and I don't want to do that. I felt unattracted before the trip - it's not a new development - the trip just illuminated the clear truth that I should not be with this girl, and that I should not have even gone this far with her. Hopefully, I can use what I learned to keep others from doing this. I thought it might be a bad idea to break up with her, but now it's pretty clear. Attraction is clearly an important element to a relationship and I was a total idiot for not seeing that it was not there early on, and trying to overlook it. It also sucks how our mistakes often hurt others.
810 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 If you have to talk, please don't throw in the "i'm not physically attracted to you" because that's shifting blame. Come clean as in "I went to Turkey and cheated on you." when you talk to her. Owe up to your mistakes and be honest to her, I think she would appreciate it more by seeing the real you than being lied to.
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I'm sorry it's going to be tough on her, and by design, tough on you. But really, you should have given this more thought BEFORE you went away. It's a shame it took this to clarify your mind on matters, but even if you seemed confused and thought you had some tough issues, i think you've seen for yourself that actually, that wasn't the case at all. the simple matter was that you needed a bit of a verbal kick in the pants.... I'm glad you've taken it as you have. Kudos to you for that. Come back and let us know how it went. It won't be easy, we both know that. But it's for the best. Good luck.
self-improvement Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I also plan to tell her we need to talk about serious matters - such as the fact that she is basically a career woman with a world class education. Who would take care of the kids? Seriously, I can't, I have my own ambitions, although I would love to take care of a more traditional style family. She would have to put a career on hold. I also have some travel plans and I am an amateur martial artist which is time-demanding. Are you sure you're completely honest with yourself? Seems to me, lack of attraction isn't the only issue. Her lifestyle obviously doesn't fit yours in some major aspects of a LTR and you're not really willing to compromise. Instead you expect her to cut back simply for your own interests and expectations of an "ideal" relationship. A woman with her own ideas of life sure can kill attraction.
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Can you describe her personality? Is she a typical "too nice" girl?
mizliz Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Seriously? Find a girl that rocks your world. Like, rocks it. Just date. You are not ready for marriage.
nothappyjan Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 You are such a hypocrite you make me feel sick. You want a nice girl who has christian values and morals and then you cant stand that and want some crazy, fiesty, bitchy woman to keep you on your toes be a man and admit that you dont want a decent girl I feel sooooo sorry for your 'girlfriend' right now. Do the decent thing and admit you are a first class jerk and let her go and live her life and be free of you. I am a nice, caring girl in a r/ship and always end up with the 'im not attracted to you line too' So good luck enjoy your bitchy women and don't come comlaining when your going thorugh a divorce and shes cheated on you, taking all your money and moving your children to another country to go and live with her new man because I will LAUGH at you.
angielove Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Yes. Please do break up with her right away, so she is free to find a man who actually deserves her.
OliveOyl Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I think the other posters are being a bit harsh on the OP. He's only been going out with his GF for 3 months, and he implied that while he flirted and spent time with other women on the trip, he didn't have sex. If I am totally misreading this then that's another matter. But this is part of what the first few months of a relationship are - to figure out whether the relationship is right for each other. Clearly it is not right and he learned this by finding himself attracted to other women. Is that cheating? Maybe. But this was fairly early on in the relationship. Much, much, better for him to realize it now than after getting engaged, or married and have to eventually make the very un-Christian maneuver of getting a divorce. Karateman... definitely sounds like it's time to end it with your GF. Good luck.
Alma Mobley Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 (edited) I agree with Imajerk. Just let this girl go, don't feed her a line of BS. Just break up. For emphasis: You already know the "wise decision". You need to break up with this woman. Every tactic you mentioned is just prolonging that and putting the responsibility on her (by suggesting terms and conditions you know she won't like). That is cowardly on your part, and unfair to her. Edited March 19, 2011 by Alma Mobley
Author Karateman Posted March 19, 2011 Author Posted March 19, 2011 @Olive - Thanks - that is totally correct. I didn't even kiss anyone - it never got physical although I had numerous opportunities and got real close. I kept myself as best I could, and I totally admit what I did was wrong, so the hypocrite label some are tossing my way also does not apply - I make no claims to perfection and admit I am not the apex of self control. @All - I actually wound up have like an 8 hour talk with her, and decided to stay with her for now. I told her everything and it broke my heart to see hers broke. My dilemma was not in finding the courage to break up with her as some seem to assume, it was in deciding whether it was wise to or not. She is a really great girl - I was not building her up in my first post, I was trying to emphasize that this girl is a needle in a haystack, I just had attraction issues, that really resulted from a couple of behaviors on her part that were off putting. I told her what I did and she quickly forgave and forgot about it. I think she is a great girl and I need to hammer out the issues and not quit now when the first challenge arises. I believe I haven't bonded with her so tightly due to a lack of physical intimacy, and she agreed. We talked about future plans - something we were almost afraid to talk about before - and discovered we meshed quite perfectly. The worst part was seeing her cry when I told her how I felt - I felt horrific, and I know I deserved it, and I know some of you girls want to punch me in the face - but I do as well. It is true that she is a much better person than I am, and she deserves better. I am determined to make it up to her any way I can, and to be totally faithful henceforth and to think with my head, not my you-know-what.
Sooner or Later Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 You are not going to all of a sudden develop an attraction to her--it just won't happen. You are a coward and are dragging this out for nothing other than selfish reasons. So, you are willing to stay and *hope* that you will develop physical attraction? Let her go.
carhill Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 OP, I hope things work out for you. As someone who is older and who has been married and who has acted inappropriately within that marriage, I'll offer the following, as my recounting could read much like yours.... If/when you're doing/saying something with/to another woman, imagine your partner (your girlfriend is your partner, like my ex-wife was) standing next to you. What she thinks and how she feels about those actions and words is her truth regarding the value of your relationship to her. You will find, as you read LS, that many people here align with that thought process. I first experienced it being described by our psychologist in marriage counseling. Yes, I didn't kiss anyone or have sex with anyone, but the way I *felt* during such non-sexual interactions degraded the commitment I had made to my partner. I don't practice any particular religion so religion doesn't drive my viewpoint, but I encourage you to look to your religion for wisdom and guidance and clarity.
Author Karateman Posted March 19, 2011 Author Posted March 19, 2011 @Sooner - Seriously, I'm not a coward - I'm just trying to make the best decision. If I was positive the best decision would be otherwise, I'd go with it. I might be dragging it out, but it' not for selfish reasons. If I was selfish I wouldn't even ask for help, and I would actually just go cheat with impunity and disregard because I could probably get away with it. @Carhill - Thanks a lot. I agree it does degrade the partner, and if I project my behavior onto her and put myself in her shoes, I know I would be hurt. I will definitely ask a church leader for some guidance - I do know my actions are clearly out of bound Biblically. I think perhaps that what I really need is get right with God first.
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