Is the marriage salvagable?

[LonelyHusband]

Here is my story:

 

We both married young, originally 19 and 21. We've been married for 4 years now, together for 7. No kids. At the beginning of the year she woke up and looked at me and told me that she could not do this anymore. Talk about out of the blue and a HUGE shock. One week later she moved out to stay with a friend. When we talked it seemed I did all the talking. I was not overbearing, she would just sit there with tears in her. We had never had troubles in the past, maybe a fight once every 6-9 months over something stupid. The normal stuff.

 

She has been gone for over 2 months now, and we have talked several times. Open communication between us has been hard and she is willing to discuss with me the problems with the relationship now. Here is what we have talked bout:

 

She told me she was never sure if she was actually in love with me. She loves me and cares for me, but was never sure if she was really "in love". She said she has always had her doubts about us, even before we married if we were the "ones for each other." She says she married her best friend, and it really hasn't felt like a marriage, but best friends living together. That ever since we got married she has become the good wife and suppressed her true self. And somewhere along the way she lost herself. She needs her space to find herself again. Her ideal situation was to live separately for 6 months to 2 years "ish", no communication between us and then meet again and fall back in love. But she is not sure who she will be and if it is ever going to work or if she'll want me back. She seems dedicated to leaving, and will not even consider trying marriage counseling or anything else to work things out. She just snapped one day and that was it. She says she tried to work things out before the marriage, on her own and without telling me, and now she is done.

 

I have not been the best husband the passed 2 years. She has pulled a majority of the weight and I can see where she comes from. I have helped with household stuff, bills, etc but she has done most of it. I have had multiple deaths in my family (including my teenage brother committing suicide, which is the biggest), getting laid off from a really good job and due to a catch 22 between states, not able to draw unemployment. I worked minimum wage jobs to keep food on the table and bills paid (she works too). I have been depressed, put on weight, and generally did not take care of myself that well. If it wasn't for her, I would have been a lot worse. We have both lost ourselves these passed years due to circumstances. But there have been some good times too, and I remember the really good times and our shared "in love" together. I have had doubts too, I think everyone has them, but I think this marriage is definitely worth it to at least try and save it. She is still my best friend, and I love her dearly. However, I seem to be fighting an uphill battle. She will not compromise with me even in the slightest on trying to fix it. Not even willing to try marriage counseling. She will talk to me and she keeps coming back to talk like she wants me to convince her. And I am trying, but I do no know what to do. I cannot wait for 6 months to 2 years on something that she does not even know will exist when she finds herself. Regardless, as soon as I was presented with the problem, I have picked myself up and tried as hard as I can to be a better man. Not just for her, but for myself. It is something that has been needed for a while. I am willing to be a good husband and woo her back into loving me again if she will just give me a chance. She seems bound and determined not too, yet every time she is around me she gets really emotional really fast and will either cry or even have a good time together.

 

I have tried the feelings approach, but its so much a roller coaster... What should I do? I am open and patient. Feel free to ask any other details about the situation and I will be happy to give them. Has anyone been through this? Can anyone help me?

Edited March 18, 2011 by LonelyHusband

[highviolet]

Here is my story:

 

We both married young, originally 19 and 21. We've been married for 4 years now, together for 7. No kids. At the beginning of the year she woke up and looked at me and told me that she could not do this anymore. Talk about out of the blue and a HUGE shock. One week later she moved out to stay with a friend. When we talked it seemed I did all the talking. I was not overbearing, she would just sit there with tears in her. We had never had troubles in the past, maybe a fight once every 6-9 months over something stupid. The normal stuff.

 

She has been gone for over 2 months now, and we have talked several times. Open communication between us has been hard and she is willing to discuss with me the problems with the relationship now. Here is what we have talked bout:

 

She told me she was never sure if she was actually in love with me. She loves me and cares for me, but was never sure if she was really "in love". She said she has always had her doubts about us, even before we married if we were the "ones for each other." She says she married her best friend, and it really hasn't felt like a marriage, but best friends living together. That ever since we got married she has become the good wife and suppressed her true self. And somewhere along the way she lost herself. She needs her space to find herself again. Her ideal situation was to live separately for 6 months to 2 years "ish", no communication between us and then meet again and fall back in love. But she is not sure who she will be and if it is ever going to work or if she'll want me back. She seems dedicated to leaving, and will not even consider trying marriage counseling or anything else to work things out. She just snapped one day and that was it. She says she tried to work things out before the marriage, on her own and without telling me, and now she is done.

 

I have not been the best husband the passed 2 years. She has pulled a majority of the weight and I can see where she comes from. I have helped with household stuff, bills, etc but she has done most of it. I have had multiple deaths in my family (including my teenage brother committing suicide, which is the biggest), getting laid off from a really good job and due to a catch 22 between states, not able to draw unemployment. I worked minimum wage jobs to keep food on the table and bills paid (she works too). I have been depressed, put on weight, and generally did not take care of myself that well. If it wasn't for her, I would have been a lot worse. We have both lost ourselves these passed years due to circumstances. But there have been some good times too, and I remember the really good times and our shared "in love" together. I have had doubts too, I think everyone has them, but I think this marriage is definitely worth it to at least try and save it. She is still my best friend, and I love her dearly. However, I seem to be fighting an uphill battle. She will not compromise with me even in the slightest on trying to fix it. Not even willing to try marriage counseling. She will talk to me and she keeps coming back to talk like she wants me to convince her. And I am trying, but I do no know what to do. I cannot wait for 6 months to 2 years on something that she does not even know will exist when she finds herself. Regardless, as soon as I was presented with the problem, I have picked myself up and tried as hard as I can to be a better man. Not just for her, but for myself. It is something that has been needed for a while. I am willing to be a good husband and woo her back into loving me again if she will just give me a chance. She seems bound and determined not too, yet every time she is around me she gets really emotional really fast and will either cry or even have a good time together.

 

I have tried the feelings approach, but its so much a roller coaster... What should I do? I am open and patient. Feel free to ask any other details about the situation and I will be happy to give them. Has anyone been through this? Can anyone help me?

 

Sounds like she wants to go out and sow her wild oats so to speak, but keep you on the back burner in case she wants to return or doesn't find that the grass is greener out there. 19 is way too young to know what you want in a relationship, in my opinion.

[willowthewisp]

It does sound like she feels she missed out on dating other guys and wnats to do so and then come back to you if she finds the grass isn't greener. That is not fair on you. Despite your young ages when you got married, you were both adults and you understood the committment you were making.

 

She does sound very immature, all this talk of being "in love" etc, love is an action, not a feeling, you choose to LOVE someone, it is something you do.

 

It could also be the 7 year itch, I do beleive that is real, I remember going through a period at 7 years where I could not stand my (now ex) partner, literally, he repulsed me and as soon as we headed into 8 years, things just got better, no rhyme or reason, it was very odd. We went on to have another 12 years together.

 

I'm sad to say all you can do is follow the 180 (search for it on here), you have no impact on her decisions, that has to come from her.

[LonelyHusband]

She's 23 now and I'm 25. We have been through a good bit and came out the other side. I did my stint in the military (did not re-enlist because I was married and it was a strain), and we came out on the other side. All the stuff we went through to make it here was difficult. With financial problems and going back to school and everything. But we made it out the other side. We both have decent jobs again and are pulling in what we need to recover. We have been paying off bills, debts, etc. We were just getting to a point where we are comfortable and now we can really work on ourselves and work on our lives together instead of panic decisions.

 

Then this happens. I wish I could do something. I want to be there for her, even to give her some of the space she needs. But I cannot just let go completely. If she does disappear for a year or two, I won't be able to take her back. I have always trusted her, and I have never had any "armor" between us. If she leaves for that long with no promise to come back, I will never be able to trust her again. She has hurt me very deeply. I cannot compare this to the loss of my little brother, but I almost feel this is worse. Perhaps because it is still on-going and I cannot seem to get over it. She is dragging my emotions through the mud, a living hell roller-coaster. I have always been level headed, but it has been very hard lately to keep thoughts straight without a contradicting feeling taking place. I can be so very angry at her for not wanting to try, but when she comes over it all goes away. I am just happy to see her and feel nothing but love for her. I am very confused about myself. I have always been a good decision maker till now. *sigh* What can I do?

Edited March 18, 2011 by LonelyHusband

[Soxfaninfl]

My stbx did the same bs to me. Our finances were getting better and she told me she wasn't in love with me anymore. We did have our issues like every couple. She thinks the grass is greener on the other side. If your both single in a couple of years and you want to try again with her then do it, but don't end something good with another person if you have a good relationship. Consider yourself lucky that you don't have kids with her. I have a 7 year old and it's been hard for him and I. It's been a year now, and I'm no longer in love with my stbx. I care about her but that's it. I recently started see someone and it's been great with this women. I know the pain your feeling right now. I met my stbx when I was 21. She was the first person I said I love you too. It will get easier for you. NC is easier to get oversome that's what I've been told. It sucks when you have a child with an ex.

[LonelyHusband]

The only thing I do not get is when she is with me, she admits she is a lot happier than when she is alone. I make her feel better. I make her laugh. That is not just before, but after the separation. She comes over to talk to me every now and then and usually leaves happier because we had a chance to talk/laugh/cry together.

[WorldIsYours]

Dude your wife is playing you and cheating on you.

 

Don't listen to the words that come out of her mouth.

[hopesndreams]

Investigate. Find out who the OM is.

 

Head outta sand! It's the only way to repair the damage, if possible, or call it quits. YOUR choice.

 

When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Good thing there aren't any kids.

[LonelyHusband]

I've investiaged all I can short of hiring a private detective. I have found nothing. It might be she hasn't found someone, but she is thinking the grass is greener and looking... I don't know.

[whichwayisup]

Fact that she isn't even willing to try to work it out, do marriage counselling with you and you mentioned she didn't feel "inlove" with you from day one, IS a huge red flag! Well many red flags.

 

She loves and cares about you obviously, but not enough to fight for what you two have shared and gone through.

 

As much as it'll hurt you to do this, disappear for a while out of her life. She can't be your friend, nor you hers. Separate, and file for divorce. Maybe once you are in her life at all she'll wake up and realize it's either time to give it a go, or a divorce will happen.

 

The thing is, once one person makes up their mind like your wife seems to have done, getting things back is next to impossible.

[nomad26]

Hmmm this is weird, I kinda have the same situation as yours.

 

But I was married 9 yrs.

 

Do No Contact, and just move on with your life. I know that is easier said than done.

[dreamingoftigers]

Contact Divorcebusters. The fact that she us still coming to see you and talk with you is a really good sign. She is depending on you for something ( probably emotional support, not uncommon at all and a good sign with women)

 

Seriously I have done some if the changes they suggested in the last two weeks and have gotten almost instant results.

 

I bet you are doing most of the phoning too eh?

 

Google divorcebusting 180 last resort (because you guys are physically separated).

 

Even if there is an OM, it is still repairable, smart for you for checking.

[kidofpassion]

i feel your pain and i ask the question on this sight are there any sensitive women out there. just in 2000 and above our life as we have known suddenly stopped. women have so many options on their cell phones that a steady man is not needed. and honestly men including myself have not been what we should have. i did something that was not at all normal but so many men are turning gay i went to a gay male site and it took about 2 minutes for me to realize i will never be hurt and lonely enough to be gay.i study the looks of women who sit in cam sites and most of them have long faces and are there just for the money but the ones who are smiling and acting like they like what they are doing are always having private chats and multiple hits. making 120 plus an hour.so im sorry that life has sent you thru all the death and maybe she lost you or like i found out that who i fell in love with never really existed and it took me 19 years to figure out.marriage is way different than anyone thinks it will be and sounds like you need to move on and believe me when you strike out with it in your mind that you are free it feels great. gaurd your heart because women will play you hard. but dont be so hard that you drive a decent one away. its tough but being lonely and knowing that you will sleep alone tonight is better than the roller coaster you are riding tonight.give it a week and look back at pictures of her say sunday to sunday and watch how fast she begins to become less attractive.and learn from what you did not do that would have made you a better man. what did she do or not do that could have helped you not close her out during your grief and look around you at those who have less than you. focus on what is positive and think of this did any ppresident or boxer or famous athelete get anywhere without harsh training. you are well on your way to being a man that our world needs today stand tall and be strong watch how passive and sorry sex is between 2 males it is sickening that they have no more energy then watch how hard a woman likes it how agressive a woman is toward a man or how they are not fragile they like it rough.this is blunt and maybe not a good thing to many people but it is true. gay men want to act like ladies and dikes dress like men it is twisted but women are having to do what men should have and with cell and web they have lost interest in men. i cant blame them so i am going to try harder to be that man and i believe i can find happiness much deeper and greater by improving my self from my situations.you cant have mountain tops without valleys you want 2 valleys and 1 top not me i want 2 tops and one valley obviously she dont like who you are so look at what you can change climb out of that valley and be good to your self. if you carry hurt the only person it slows down is you.it is like a lead suitcase that no one wants you to open. im sorry that you have had the pain and grief learn how to be stronger not weaker and it will maake you more attractive . ive been there and i had to leave my wife because she can not deal with a bad accident that she witnessed her mothers death. and i could do nothing right and im crushed and felt guilty for leaving but it waqs going to kill me and leave her in bad bad situation maybe your spouse saw you grieving and going backward and she knows that she is enabling you to stay in that valley would the departed want you to stop living because of them hey man you are not getting younger and our world devours the weak it aint a good place anymore and only the strong survive be strong and i do care about your loss i lost over 1 million in assets my father to cancer my wifes mother we seperated and i started over in a barn on dirt floors and i built a 3 room apartment lived with no electric for months cutting firewood by hand and walking 14 miles to carry groceries on monday when i drew unemployment and got power on and in 35 days sit in my underware and watched all thatb i had gained burn to the ground every stitch of clothes and every shoe all my tools up in smoke. jan 22 2011 i come with in seconds of burning to death trying to get out and im hurt. but no lady wants me if im not going to take care of her. but all ive found are not ladies i want to find a lady a true lady and i look at this as a fresh new start not a life stopping situation and it cut every tie i had with her no baggage from the past. but i had to be strong and not go back and i made the best choice although it has been the toughest. so you will be stronger from your pain if you can rise to meet it and find a new better life. im sitting in a motel that i was taken to by red cross and i do the maintenace in exchange for room. im not lonely in a cold barn i camn walk to many retuarants and i have a shower and internet and cable with laundry. before i lived rough. and have had some dates but nothing to brag about. but i have always wanted to start a retreat for others to get help with pain in life. guess what we are going to take one of the rooms and make a meeting room and i hope to have my first group this fall so my toughest times have turned out to be my best.look around you at all walks of life and you will see that many people are worse than you and climb up out of that valley good luck my friend