lookn4sometin Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Looking for advice. I'm a late 30s man. Going through a divorce now (due to STBX's Extramarital affairs) Divorce dragging on... VERY slow and because of kids and custody (we both want) we are all living under the same roof. Neither of us wants to leave the kids until the divorce is settled. Sucks to live under the same roof as that person. I am 100% emotionally past my STBX. No interest in anything about her anymore (other than I know she is the mother to my kids and she will always be around in some way). I have not spent any time with a woman in quite a while - well over 8 months. I'm not a needy person, I can manage perfectly by myself. But I am missing all of the things that go with having a significant other. I like romance, intimacy, having a partner... of course these are all things that are key to being happy. I am at the point where I would like to date. I would like to meet new people. I would like to go out on dates and do things that I am not doing today. So here are my questions. - Is it alright to date in the position I am in right now? - Will all single woman laugh at the thought of dating someone in my position (living position)? - Anyone who has been through a Divorce - Thoughts on waiting? Any advice is appreciated.
TaraMaiden Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Looking for advice. (. . .) - Is it alright to date in the position I am in right now? Yes, but I think it would be a courtesy to let your wife know you are thinking of going on dates again - and respect the fact that she can now do the same, with a clear conscience. - Will all single woman laugh at the thought of dating someone in my position (living position)? Laugh? No, I don't think so. They might view it with some suspicion though, and wonder what the deal is then, in coming home with you..... Which will for obvious reasons be difficult at best, and at worst, downright impossible.... - Anyone who has been through a Divorce - Thoughts on waiting? Any advice is appreciated. No experience like it, but just my 2 cents..... Edited to add, you may want to see whether you can actually come to a compromise with your wife, regarding custody. Do what is best for the children, not for you two. Try including the kids and see what they might contribute.....
Author lookn4sometin Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 So obviously - bringing a date home is not possible at this time. And the STBX - "Extramarital affairs" as in still "dating" the OM. Yes I would let her know that I was going out on a date if she really cared, I don't have a problem with that. Guess one of my concerns is that living in the situation I'm in now, to me seems almost worse than being a grown 30-something man living with his parents. Just worried what women are going to think about it. For obvious reasons its hard not to have somewhere to call home that I can invite someone over. I know this is a temporary condition, but it just seems to be dragging on forever and not sure when it will be done. anyway - thanks for the feedback.
OliveOyl Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Well... I know someone dating a woman in the position you are in. So it's definitely possible. You will probably feel more comfortable with someone in a similar situation. I would date someone who's separated, but personally I wouldn't want to date someone who's still living with their ex, because of the potential for drama and logistics. I am still separated/not divorced yet too, but we have been living apart for over a year, and there's no drama. Is there any chance you can move out to a place very nearby? I think it will make for an easier transition, less drama, and a clearer head. And if I think it will make it a lot easier to date. A lot of people simply won't date someone who's separated, period. I asked a question about that in this thread. Living with your ex will make it that much harder.
Intricategirl Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Here's where I am a hypocrite- I dated when I was separated, but I shouldn't have. And I'm not saying absolutely no, but I probably wouldn't date someone whose divorce was not final. And I REALLY don't think I'd date someone living in the same house as their ex.
oaks Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 - Is it alright to date in the position I am in right now? Probably, if you and your wife are clear that things are over bar the ongoing legal process. If your dating gets as far as sex then don't forget that you're still married - is she likely to turn that around on you in the divorce proceedings? Feel free to get real advice from a real lawyer on that aspect, as in some jurisdictions there isn't really a distinction between adultery before getting separated and adultery after getting separated. But you asked about dating... there's nothing wrong with having dinner and a movie with anyone you want to. - Will all single woman laugh at the thought of dating someone in my position (living position)? This could be a challenge, but I know of one couple in a similar situation... married, separated, still living together in separate rooms in the same house with the kids. No sign of a divorce getting finalised soon, yet they both seem to have boy/girlfriends. They even manage to bring them home, but I think they arrange for the other partner to be out at the time. Sounds complicated.
EasyHeart Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 There's nothing "wrong" with dating in your situation, but for your own sake you should probably keep your expectations low. I'm sure there are some women out there who would be fine with dating you, but you've got to figure that most women would prefer someone with less entanglements. So a lot depends on your emotional condition. I assume that going through a divorce with a cheating wife, plus a custody dispute and the tension of all living together has to be awfully traumatic. Are you prepared to deal with the inevitable rejection of dating? Or is that going to make you feel worse?
Author lookn4sometin Posted March 19, 2011 Author Posted March 19, 2011 All good feedback above, thanks. Oliveoyl - me moving out is impossible. I am the primary caregiver in the house and kids need to be with me. I would LOVE for her to find something somewhere, trust me, but she too wants to be with the kids. Plus she pretty much has a free ride with lots of things, including the master bedroom, so I know she is not leaving. Sucks for me. Oaks - the adultery thing actually doesn't matter in My state for the most part. And nothing at all to do when dealing with custody (kind of crazy, but true). So I'm not concerned about that. Neither is she obviously as she still goes out with the other man (also married). as fas as the home, I would consider if off limits to any dating activities mostly because it's the kids home and I want to keep some things separate for now. So complicated? No doubt! EasyHeart - emotionally I'm very past the whole cheating wife. Today I could not care less when she goes out with the other man. Just doesn't matter to me anymore and I'm looking to a bright future without her and hope to meet someone new one day I can fall in love with. So no hang ups there. As far as custody, sure that might have a little more of an emotional drain on me. But I'm smart enough to know that I didn't have a choice to end up where I am today, it was out of my control. So I can hope for and fight for the best outcome as I can and ultimately will have to accept what I'm dealt (given) and make the best of it. I understand that the courts lean a certain way in this situation, so again I know I have to make the most out of what I can. Emotionally I am pretty stable through all of this. As far as rejection? I expect plenty of that in my future anyway I have thick skin and will NOT be offended when someone tells me they are uncomfortable with my situation. It's not forever. Anyway, thanks again for the feedback everyone.
carhill Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Welcome to LS Here's what some of the ladies of LS told me when I asked a similar question In my case, my now exW and I lived in separate domiciles some 20 miles apart and shared no children. Real life tended to mirror the feedback I received and few women responded positively. Perhaps the primary difference is I prefer LTR's and being married and have no interest in casual dating so women of that (LTR/M) mindset are likely to be a bit cautious with a legally married person, as would I if meeting a woman in similar circumstances. YMMV. Hope it works out
brainygirl Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I personally wont date someone that recent off a marriage or long term relationship. I also wouldn't really feel comfortable with him still living with the supposed Ex. I'm not saying you are a liar, just that its very easy to say "that wife and kids? Don't worry, the realtionship is over, I'm into you now baby". I say finalize things and then date. Or move out. Or get an apartment and you and your wife take turns being in the house or the apartment and date when you have apartment time. This whole living together and trying to hash out a divorce at the same time thing sounds incredibly unhealthy to me.
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