dryerase Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I have very recently ended a semi-long term affair (I am the one who ended it for the sake of my 3 children), and I need help from anyone who has done this. 1) I find myself missing the OM very much. I know that it is normal to go through a "withdrawal" period after ending an affair. Mainly, I find that I am missing the attention he has given me. For anyone who has been through something similar, how long does this last? I find myself wanting to go back to him but trying hard to resist the temptation. The OM wanted to marry me. 2) Probably related to question 1, I find myself wondering if missing the OM means I should be together with him. I am wondering if anyone has left their marriage for the OM and how it impacts children that are less than age 8. Anything specific you have experienced would be very helpful. Is there anyone who has left their marriage for the OM where it became positive for everyone? Can anyone tell me what specific impact leaving a marriage for another relationship has on young children?
Bryanp Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Have you now confessed and been open and honest with your husband so you both can try to repair the marriage?
WorldIsYours Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Ma'am I'll get back to you in a few moments.
WorldIsYours Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I have very recently ended a semi-long term affair (I am the one who ended it for the sake of my 3 children), and I need help from anyone who has done this. For the sake of your children? I'm sorry but how did you come to that conclusion? Because honestly, your cheating shows how you don't really care about those little ones. 1) I find myself missing the OM very much. I know that it is normal to go through a "withdrawal" period after ending an affair. Mainly, I find that I am missing the attention he has given me. For anyone who has been through something similar, how long does this last? I find myself wanting to go back to him but trying hard to resist the temptation. The OM wanted to marry me. This lasts as long as you let it, you two were never in love. He only said he wanted to marry you because of the sex. Try going after him now and see if he really cares about you because he'll either reject you, or get tired of you and cheat, or you will cheat on him. 2) Probably related to question 1, I find myself wondering if missing the OM means I should be together with him. Like I said before, go ahead and see how well it works out for you. I am wondering if anyone has left their marriage for the OM and how it impacts children that are less than age 8. Crying shame you're even thinking about letting that creep around your children. Anything specific you have experienced would be very helpful. I have the experience, and my advice to you is to stop being selfish and immature. Is there anyone who has left their marriage for the OM where it became positive for everyone? You know it's not a positive experience for nobody. Can anyone tell me what specific impact leaving a marriage for another relationship has on young children? If you have a husband, tell him what happened or better yet, just leave him.
Hazyhead Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 1) I find myself missing the OM very much. I know that it is normal to go through a "withdrawal" period after ending an affair. Mainly, I find that I am missing the attention he has given me. For anyone who has been through something similar, how long does this last? I find myself wanting to go back to him but trying hard to resist the temptation. The OM wanted to marry me. 2) Probably related to question 1, I find myself wondering if missing the OM means I should be together with him. I am wondering if anyone has left their marriage for the OM and how it impacts children that are less than age 8. Anything specific you have experienced would be very helpful. Is there anyone who has left their marriage for the OM where it became positive for everyoneCan anyone tell me what specific impact leaving a marriage for another relationship has on young children? It's much easier, when faced with a decision that affects many, to look for answers elsewhere. You think of him because it has just ended, naturally, but it will fade over time, if you allow it to. If you want to find further meaning to it then you will and, when you get back in touch with him after a period of obsessing, it's easier to tell yourself that it's because it's 'meant to be'. I would wait. Put your efforts into your marriage. Not only does your husband deserve this, but your kids do, too. If its not going to work then you'll know in time, but leaving too soon for somebody else will leave doubts that maybe your marriage could have worked, because eventually, in your new R, the same issues may surface, and then what... Your husband seems so far away and it's too late.
Linda9999 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Yes, you should be with the OM. The two of you deserve each other. Leave your kids with your husband so he can find a better mother for them.
whammy Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 80% of people the divorce during an affair regret it. also, i do not care of the circumstances of the divorce (if I ever have one) but I WILL NOT GO ONE NIGHT without tucking in my kids. And if my wife left me and tried to take them... I would set her free without a second thought but she would have world war 3 on her hands if she wanted anything more than weekends...I would spend every last cent and sell everything I own to get a bull dog lawyer to make sure that I have my kids forever. I hope your husband isnt like me if you think your taking your kids to be with another man.
20Seconds Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I have very recently ended a semi-long term affair (I am the one who ended it for the sake of my 3 children), and I need help from anyone who has done this. 1) I find myself missing the OM very much. I know that it is normal to go through a "withdrawal" period after ending an affair. Mainly, I find that I am missing the attention he has given me. For anyone who has been through something similar, how long does this last? I find myself wanting to go back to him but trying hard to resist the temptation. The OM wanted to marry me. 2) Probably related to question 1, I find myself wondering if missing the OM means I should be together with him. I am wondering if anyone has left their marriage for the OM and how it impacts children that are less than age 8. Anything specific you have experienced would be very helpful. Is there anyone who has left their marriage for the OM where it became positive for everyone? Can anyone tell me what specific impact leaving a marriage for another relationship has on young children? Can I ask, do you know what led you to this A? It is really important to try and answer that question for yourself as it will help you work out what to do next. Personally, I think it is a mistake for anyone to leave a marriage "for" anyone else, and to do this in your circumstances would probably be extremely damaging and confusing for your children. It would also be much less likely to lead to an amicable relationship between you and your H as co-parents which is what you should be aiming for if you do divorce. If you believe your marriage is over and you sought an A as a "way out" then please tell your BS and try to work out a plan to separate which will work for your children. If you decide to separate, you should do this "alone" without OM being a part of the plan - you have to be prepared to build a life on your own. At a later date, once you have separated and made sure your children have adjusted to the situation - some sources suggest at least a year before you consider introducing any new partner - you can then rethink your R with the OM if he is still wants a proper relationship with you. You have to be prepared and accepting of the fact that he might have moved on by then. But if you think the OM simply provided something that is "missing" in your marriage, then you would be better to seek IC or MC and work to get your marriage back on track. This is what will benefit your children. Now is not the time to focus on OM, it is the time to focus on whether you are going back to repair your marriage, or to make a decision to separate because your marriage is not reparable.
Author dryerase Posted March 19, 2011 Author Posted March 19, 2011 thanks to everyone for their comments, especially hazyhead and 20seconds - found them very helpful. i feel that what led me to the affair was attention, which i know is incredibly selfish, but it's the truth. i had not wanted out of my marriage prior to the affair at all. my husband was working constantly, and we devoted so much energy to the kids that there was none left for each other. the om and i also seemed to have this "connection", which the more i read about affairs now, seems like such a cliche that i'm ashamed that i got caught up in that idea. i think the other issue for me is he really wants me to end my marriage to be with him, and i am worried that i will always wonder what life would have been like with him. i sort of also feel like i am chemically possessed or withdrawing from a drug right now, and i hope i can put this all in the past and repair my marriage. right now, just feels depressing.
WorldIsYours Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 thanks to everyone for their comments, especially hazyhead and 20seconds - found them very helpful. i feel that what led me to the affair was attention, which i know is incredibly selfish, but it's the truth. i had not wanted out of my marriage prior to the affair at all. my husband was working constantly, and we devoted so much energy to the kids that there was none left for each other. the om and i also seemed to have this "connection", which the more i read about affairs now, seems like such a cliche that i'm ashamed that i got caught up in that idea. i think the other issue for me is he really wants me to end my marriage to be with him, and i am worried that i will always wonder what life would have been like with him. i sort of also feel like i am chemically possessed or withdrawing from a drug right now, and i hope i can put this all in the past and repair my marriage. right now, just feels depressing. The only one who's in bad shape right now is your own husband. You're refusing to look at what you're doing to your family and yourself.
wheelwright Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I have very recently ended a semi-long term affair (I am the one who ended it for the sake of my 3 children), and I need help from anyone who has done this. On the whole I continue to feel like a fool. It still hurts 2 years later. Previously I was quite wized up, despite childhood difficulty. In fact, I felt he was my soulmate. I reckon I sound messed up. You do not. Hold on to that.
Bittersweetie Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I am a former WS. I thought about my OM a lot at first, but it faded over time and now I rarely do. What I did primarily was concentrate my energy on myself and my marriage. If thoughts of OM popped into my head, I would tell myself, I will think about him later. And I kept pushing them off. If I did start thinking of OM, I didn't think about the romanticized, "happy" times...I thought about the negative things he did, that I did. I thought about my H's reaction when I told him what I did. That starts taking the bloom off the rose. And, you say this man wanted to marry you, but what kind of guy is he that he was with a married woman? Is that the kind of person you want to leave a marriage and family for? I've been where you are. You're right, it is like an addiction, going off a drug. It takes time but it's doable. Work on yourself, examine what brought you to do something like this, because being selfish and desiring attention is just the beginning. Get some IC. Good luck!
seren Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I could never understand staying in a marriage for the sake of the children. If you love a man, he is the one you should be with. My ex-husband and I separated when our children were 1, 3 and 11. They all reacted very differently. The youngest was too young to react. The oldest was happy that we finally put an end to our troublesome marriage. The middle one was the one who had the most difficulty adjusting to the new situation. We handled that by letting her live 100% of the time with me until she was emotionally stable enough to handle living every other weekend with her father. I believe the best thing you can do for your children is to be true to yourself. By caring for your own happiness you teach your children to care for theirs once they are adults. By living an authentic life by choosing the man you love you teach them to do the same. My children want me to be happy. They realize staying with their father would not have made me happy. Your children love you. In the end they want what is best for you, and what is best for you is also what is best for them. Sounds like you handled the end of your marriage admirably and with thought from both about what worked best for your children. I wish more would do it this way.
bloppy Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Have you told your H? It doesn't sound like it. He might make your decision for you when he finds out the truth.
Jonah Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I find myself wondering if missing the OM... May I express my sympathy to you for your suffering the "hole in your heart". You were already "missing" something before the affair began. That is more noticeable to you now as you are now left unto yourself. This "desire" is now aggravated by a marital distraction that will take years to fade. If you do not find fulfillment soon, your strength will fade and you will again turn to another man for comfort, which may very well be the only way to quench your desire. Some would say to confess this to your husband. I suggest not in your case as you seem to have some willpower, thus you may prevail of your own means. Of course, seek counseling. Peace Unto you... -Jonah
WorldIsYours Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 May I express my sympathy to you for your suffering the "hole in your heart". You were already "missing" something before the affair began. That is more noticeable to you now as you are now left unto yourself. This "desire" is now aggravated by a marital distraction that will take years to fade. If you do not find fulfillment soon, your strength will fade and you will again turn to another man for comfort, which may very well be the only way to quench your desire. Some would say to confess this to your husband. I suggest not in your case as you seem to have some willpower, thus you may prevail of your own means. Of course, seek counseling. Peace Unto you... -Jonah Tell your spouse what is going on. He has a right to know his wife is selfish and unfaithful, and that you put his life at risk.
Jonah Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 The OM wanted to marry me. Can anyone tell me what specific impact leaving a marriage for another relationship has on young children? My ex's OM was bad. He turned into an abuser soon after she shacked up with him in an apartment that I funded for her and our children (after dday). She has since been remarried 3 times, beat up several times, in jail twice, and has recently attempted suicide. I have dumped a ton of cash into trying to help her... it was like throwing money into a bon fire. The children: She gave me custody early and my boys are successful.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Missing the OM is not a sign that you should be with him anymore then a drunk missing his booze means he should head down to the bar. You are going to miss him, you are going to crave him, is it a healthy or sane way to start a relationship? No. Is it the healthy way to end a marriage? No. Will your children recover? Read the stats. Everyone wants to buy into 'the kids are gonna be alright' philosophy and then 20 years down the road we hear of all of the 'painful childhood issues.' but you can look that up for yourself. If you are looking for another human being to make you happy and content, then you are looking in the wrong spot. If you are waiting for your husband to turn around and fix the dynamics of your marriage, then you are waiting for the wrong person to make the first move. Congratulations on ending your affair, THAT was a healthy move and must have been hard, don't backslide from you hard choice or it will have all been for nothing.
White Flower Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 For the sake of your children? I'm sorry but how did you come to that conclusion? Because honestly, your cheating shows how you don't really care about those little ones. This lasts as long as you let it, you two were never in love. He only said he wanted to marry you because of the sex. Try going after him now and see if he really cares about you because he'll either reject you, or get tired of you and cheat, or you will cheat on him. Like I said before, go ahead and see how well it works out for you. Crying shame you're even thinking about letting that creep around your children. I have the experience, and my advice to you is to stop being selfish and immature. You know it's not a positive experience for nobody. If you have a husband, tell him what happened or better yet, just leave him. Did Dexter Morgan get banned and reincarnated? Seriously, this post offers no real support and no real advice. All it offers is snide remarks to a new poster who hasn't developed a thick skin. So let me graciously welcome our new MW! I hope you find real support here:). My advice to you would be to follow your heart. Do you love your H? Do you love your OM? Is your H a good father? Would OM be a good father? Has he expressed a desire to help you raise your kids? How and why did the A begin in the first place? No man becomes the OM unless he is in love, the male ego can't take being second best or the idea of sharing unless it's love. My guess is he really loves you. Why did you end the A? Fear of getting too close? Fear of being discovered? Fear of real love with someone other than your SO? It takes a lot of thought...which doesn't usually resonate with one liners, btw. Sift through the posts and take the best and what resonates most with you.
anne1707 Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Did Dexter Morgan get banned and reincarnated? Seriously, this post offers no real support and no real advice. All it offers is snide remarks to a new poster who hasn't developed a thick skin. So let me graciously welcome our new MW! I hope you find real support here:). My advice to you would be to follow your heart. Do you love your H? Do you love your OM? Is your H a good father? Would OM be a good father? Has he expressed a desire to help you raise your kids? How and why did the A begin in the first place? No man becomes the OM unless he is in love, the male ego can't take being second best or the idea of sharing unless it's love. My guess is he really loves you. Why did you end the A? Fear of getting too close? Fear of being discovered? Fear of real love with someone other than your SO? It takes a lot of thought...which doesn't usually resonate with one liners, btw. Sift through the posts and take the best and what resonates most with you. Whiteflower I agree with much of what you say except for a couple of points. To say that no man will become an OM unless he is in love is just romantic nonsense. Whilst some do love the MW, there are plenty out there who are not that enamoured and may even only be in it for the thrill of it. A blanket statement such as yours is totally unrealistic and coud give false hope. The other thing I disagree on - the identity of another poster. My suspicions are of someone who "stopped posting" round here far more recently. Plus Dexter was a much more intelligent poster than this one.
cyabye Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 My advice to you would be to follow your heart. Do you love your H? Do you love your OM? Is your H a good father? Would OM be a good father? Has he expressed a desire to help you raise your kids? How and why did the A begin in the first place? No man becomes the OM unless he is in love, the male ego can't take being second best or the idea of sharing unless it's love. My guess is he really loves you. Why did you end the A? Fear of getting too close? Fear of being discovered? Fear of real love with someone other than your SO? It takes a lot of thought...which doesn't usually resonate with one liners, btw. Sift through the posts and take the best and what resonates most with you. Although I respect everyone has a "right" to "their" opinion, I think this is awful. Many so called "men" are the OM and do not love. Following her heart is what got her to this point. cya
cyabye Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Well this just pissed me off. First of all the OM will never be these children's father, ever. In fact the OM is an excellant example of a bad example of what a man is. The OM is nothing more than a wife sniping bastard. A disgrage to the male gender. In fact any man that would screw another man's wife is lower than dog crap. He is not a real man. I'd lay money on the fact that if the OP told her husband about this douche bag, and how he tried to ruin their family,the OM would and should get his sorry wife sniping ass kicked. Damn lady, get a grip on your self? Are you that sefish, cruel and self centred that you cannot see the devestation you have created? Your husband goes out, works hard to keep you all, and you reward him by giving your body to another man, then miss the wife sniping douche bag now the affair is over? Can women really be that cruel? God! Some people really need to re-evaluate how they treat other people. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Nuf said. She NEEDS to confess EVERYTHING to her husband so he can make a life changing decision which is best for HIM and their children. cya
WorldIsYours Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 Did Dexter Morgan get banned and reincarnated? Seriously, this post offers no real support and no real advice. All it offers is snide remarks to a new poster who hasn't developed a thick skin. Posts of supporting selfish, deceiving behavior and putting her husband's life at risk offers no substance. My advice to you would be to follow your heart. She needs to use her head and stop following her sexual urges. Do you love your H? Do you love your OM? Is your H a good father? Would OM be a good father? Has he expressed a desire to help you raise your kids? How and why did the A begin in the first place? The OM does not matter. No man becomes the OM unless he is in love, the male ego can't take being second best or the idea of sharing unless it's love. A man becomes the other person because he's selfish and immature. It has nothing to do with love or male ego. It's helping in the destruction of someone's marriage. Messing with someone's wife. My guess is he really loves you. Why did you end the A? Fear of getting too close? Fear of being discovered? Fear of real love with someone other than your SO? He doesn't love her and she doesn't feel love for him.
WorldIsYours Posted March 20, 2011 Posted March 20, 2011 To say that no man will become an OM unless he is in love is just romantic nonsense. Exactly. And nothing is romantic about it. Whilst some do love the MW, there are plenty out there who are not that enamoured and may even only be in it for the thrill of it. A blanket statement such as yours is totally unrealistic and coud give false hope. No OM loves the MW. They love the free sex their getting from them. The other thing I disagree on - the identity of another poster. My suspicions are of someone who "stopped posting" round here far more recently. Plus Dexter was a much more intelligent poster than this one. I find it humorous that WSs speak about intelligence.
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