GottaGetAway Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I'd like to know if anyone else here feels or felt this way...If applicable, how did you get over it? I'm just working on this issue now and any advice would be much appreciated. Maybe just discussing the fears with others may help. I'm a "pre-emptive" dumper - I ditch people before I fall in love, simply so that I don't. I'm a 21 year old female, by the way. When I was younger I had a great loving relationship, followed by some short term flings, followed by the "guy of my dreams". At this point I had no negative past experiences with romantic relationships and as such had no qualms about letting myself fall. And fall I did. Unfortunately the guy was a sociopath and knew exactly what he was doing. Before starting to “court” me he got information regarding my likes, dislikes, type of guys I go for, deal-breakers, etc (his best friend was dating my best friend at the time, so the sociopath got him to pry). Anyway, he used this to reel me in, then spent the next few months drugging my water (since we spent a lot of time outside and he carried our supplies) and then convincing me I loved him and needed no one else. My friends started to get concerned when I wanted nothing to do with them and simply waited around every day until he called. One time I was with a friend when the call came, as she was trying to have a talk with me, and he lost it. I “had” to ditch her to go see him. He was very controlling and especially hated me hanging out with this particular friend. He said she was trying to poison me against him. Anyway...the deciding moment was a day when perhaps the water was too heavily drugged or I drank too much of it...I don't know. Either way it suddenly hit me that I felt extremely weird, heavy, walking was becoming difficult, and an unmistakable loopy-ness was setting in. I told him I was going to the bathroom and called my friend (after stumbling away as far as I could), who promptly came to get me. The sad thing? It still took me weeks to break up with him, and I cried for months after wards. Pathetic... So yes. I'm terrified of becoming vulnerable and falling in love again. I have never been dumped in my life. I can keep someone at bay (emotionally) for a year or more (and have) but the moment it gets difficult to keep cool I leave. I don't think it's fair to project past hurt onto new love interests, and so I'm trying hard to work through this. I think honesty is very important here – and it should come as soon as more serious feelings start to develop. I recently met a great guy and both of us have fallen fast and hard. As a result, I was already wondering how to end things. Then I realized I can't live my life this way. As easy as it would be, I don't want to be alone forever. I want to let myself feel again. So we had a long talk during which I was as honest as my mind allowed me to be. His assurances and realistic view of things helped calm my mind a lot. I'm not so afraid anymore. I know it will still be hard but for once I'll try NOT dumping someone before they give me good reason to. Sorry for the long post – I've never really told this to anyone in such detail and it was therapeutic to get it out. I hope this helps someone. I think recognizing that you create the problems in your own head is a big help. I'm simply working on no longer creating them and making myself be a bit vulnerable by admitting my fears...We'll see how it goes. Thoughts, feelings, stories of your own?
willowthewisp Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Well done! I'm so proud of you for facing your fear. I'm not going to go into my story except to say I was on the recieving end of a committment phobic and it hurt, a lot! My CP didn't have anywhere near the traumatic expereince that has caused your phobia and you should be so proud that you have choosen to deal with this rather than to live a life without love or inflict any pain on another. Have you considered Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, it can really benefical in the treatment of phobias and is the only known treatment for CP? Given that you are currently with an understanding boyfriend, now would be the perfect time to undergo this treatment as it involves taking small controlled risks, combined with therapy to help you deal with the feelings of anxiety. It might also be helpful if you were able to find a CBT therapist who is also a Humanistic Therapist because then they can address the root cause ie what this guy did and how that has developed into this issue for you. I wish you all the best in beating this phobia, I know you can do it because I had to beat (not CP) one myself. It's tough but it is possible and it will lead you to much happier and free future.
Recommended Posts