EasyHeart Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I hate to say this, but only parents and family members think that children are beautiful. As far as most other people are concerned they're little more than a nuisance. A person isn't discompassionate simply because they don't love children who are complete strangers and entirely unrelated to them.That's just silly. You obviously don't like kids, and that's fine, but many, many people enjoy children. I was just at the grocery store after work and smiled at all the cute kids I saw. SO ADORBS!
Eeyore79 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 That's just silly. You obviously don't like kids, and that's fine, but many, many people enjoy children. If so many people enjoyed other people's children, guys would be falling over themselves to date single moms, and this thread wouldn't exist.
Skump Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Here's the thing. Other obvious issues aside (exes, reduced freedom, all the headaches that go along with trying to discipline kids as a stepparent, etc.)... ...why the hell should I want to raise someone else's kids? That's like an operational definition of evolutionary failure. I don't want to waste my time and resources raising the offspring of some feckless doofus who couldn't fulfill his responsibilities as a father and spouse. Besides, I want my wife focused on MY children when they arrive - preexisting kids will just be competition.
EasyHeart Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 If so many people enjoyed other people's children, guys would be falling over themselves to date single moms, and this thread wouldn't exist.Your statement had nothing to do with dating.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted March 19, 2011 Author Posted March 19, 2011 You don't "need [you] sum luhvinz". (Good lord, woman, have you ever heard of Spellcheck??!) You want some "luhvinz" because you think it will soothe your anxiety and insecurity. You'll be ready for sum luhvinz when you don't think you need sum luhvinz. EasyHeart - I'm a professional writer with a mac (which automatically underlines words that are mispelled). I thought luhvinz was cute. You don't think? Probably cuz you aren't getting enough luhvinz.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted March 19, 2011 Author Posted March 19, 2011 Because you made "choices" long ago which would impact your future. North American society hears it repeated all the time that "kids come first" in scenarios with women, their biological children, and a stepfather. (and kids surely should come first in those scenarios) Knowing this, and because it was perfectly fine for you to have made choices way back when, it absolutely must be allowable that any such stepfather prospect can make the choice not to play second fiddle upon entering a relationship. Most prospective stepfathers, rather than declare war on those children, simply choose not to inject themselves into such scenarios. Men are not "afraid" of children. Asking why they are in this context would be akin to asking "why are men afraid of body art?" if you were someone who, at age 19, had a UPC symbol tattooed right across your forehead. The guys out there wouldn't exactly be afraid of the UPC Code, they would be afraid of the choice you made way back when (while seldom being able to get past the perceived decision-making process which led you to make that choice {at least in the case of the body art}). So, you've got your kids, after choosing their father, and truth be told you probably didn't choose so well when picking him. It's nice that your kids are there, and that they can be your priority now, but this is one more instance where your own choices come under scrutiny in some corners. To have made those choices for yourself, and then critique someone who doesn't want anything to do with you given the choices you made, is bordering on the absurd. I think, given the choice to be obnoxious like you are, I would at least work on my writing skills so I could intimidate people without resorting to bold letters. But, I suppose that is your choice Wow, I shouldn't complain. I've dated some pretty nice people.
OliveOyl Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 This will narrow your pool yes. But coming from a pragmatic standpoint: a) You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want someone with kids. In other words, YOU are filtering THEM out as much as they are filtering you out. b) The fact that you have kids has no bearing whatsoever on your character or lovability. It's nothing to do with *you*. It's just a factor. It narrows down your pool, yes, but there is still a huge variety of men out there with different attitudes. All it takes is *one*.
alexlakeman Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Just date guys WITH kids.. I am a guy with kids and my big preference is women with kids; so we are on the same page.. Now I have seen one woman with no kids... seen her a couple of times and I was straight forward and mentioned it "I have a concern dating someone without kids b/c they might not get it when there are scheduling issues, sick kids, etc".. She sincerely seemed accepting it..but typicallY? I put "must have kids" on my online searches.. Try is, date a couple of guys with kids, I assure you it might be better.. good luck..
EasyHeart Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 EasyHeart - I'm a professional writer with a mac (which automatically underlines words that are mispelled). I thought luhvinz was cute. You don't think? Probably cuz you aren't getting enough luhvinz.I know -- I was just teasing. It was adorable! I will try to get some luhvinz ASAP!!!
tincanman99 Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Than you are babelicious ! Regardless though a lot of guys dont want to deal with the stuff involved in dating women with kids. They know they will always come 2nd which they should. I used to think this way till I met some hot mommys who changed my mind about it. They were totally cool and far easier to deal with than many of the single women I met. I guess kids will do that to you...
Intricategirl Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I think it totally depends on the mommy in question. You gotta know the background. Me- I'm capable of commitment (my kids have me for life), I make a good living (I've got to support them), I'm loving (I love them), I'm encouraging (I want them to follow their hopes and dreams), and I'm patient (I have to be). If a guy chooses to date me and sees those traits, they extend to him as well.
Woggle Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 There is a huge difference between being committed to your kids and being committed to a man. I am not saying this is you but how does a man know a woman won't all of a sudden change course and rip his heart up the minute he thinks things are going great?
Intricategirl Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 There is a huge difference between being committed to your kids and being committed to a man. I am not saying this is you but how does a man know a woman won't all of a sudden change course and rip his heart up the minute he thinks things are going great? I agree, but I would also argue that the same is true with all relationships. Who I am with my last boyfriend is not who I was with my ex-husband. Who I am with one friend is not who I am with another friend. It's not a matter of being fake or different depending on the crowd, it's that the people in the relationships are different, therefore the relationship itself is different. So a guy can either get to know me and see that I am going to be committed to him, or not. Besides, kids or not, how would you know I wouldn't rip up your heart. The kids really have nothing at all to do with it, and that's sort of been my point all along.
Woggle Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Sometimes people are different with others but the best way to tell the future is to look at the past which is why it is best to look at why a woman does not have the father in her life anymore.
Jynxx Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 It's evolutionary. Guys with a "I don't care about dating a woman with children"-attitude where apparently less successfull in reproducing than guys with a "I prefer a woman without children"-attitude. The reason for this is obvious: if a woman has 2 kids and the man and she make a 3rd one, she will have to divide her attention, efforts, love etc. between her 3 kids. If she doesn't have kids yet, their mutual kid will get all of that. The second case child has a higher chance of having success in life and thus a more numerous or more successful offspring.
Duckduckgoose Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I posted this earlier in this thread but it got ignored. Just date a man who already has kids too. Problem solved.
Intricategirl Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I posted this earlier in this thread but it got ignored. Just date a man who already has kids too. Problem solved. No, it's not. Actually, the one guy I dated who had kids broke up with me in part because I had kids and he was "scared of dating a woman with kids." Oddly enough, the guys I've dated who didn't have kids of their own were much more decent about it, and much better with kids. I think it was a fluke, but no, it's not a be-all-end-all solution.
brainygirl Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 No, it's not. Actually, the one guy I dated who had kids broke up with me in part because I had kids and he was "scared of dating a woman with kids." Oddly enough, the guys I've dated who didn't have kids of their own were much more decent about it, and much better with kids. I think it was a fluke, but no, it's not a be-all-end-all solution. I've had similar experience and recieved similar responces on LS. I don't have anything to add to help though, other than I seem to have "more" luck when I meet people in person than online. One thing I will not compromise on is my own standards, which aren't that stringent. Be employed or in school but independent. Be educated or at the very least articulate. Don't use drugs or drink to dangerous excess. Be nice to me. I want a long term, supportive, committed relationship. I do not want a friend with benefits or a f----buddy. People may look at me and my three children and see someone who made a mistake or suffers from poor judgement, but I am also educate, employed, independent, articulate, funy, kind, attractive, and damn good in bed. My flaws are on the surface, but no woman is a whole package of positives with no negatives. Until someone can see that in me, I guess I have to wait. Targeting men with kids will not solve the problem, neither will targeting older men or "lower" quality men. Why should I target people I find unattractive? I have no problem with men with kids, provided they take care of their kids. Many do not. I have no problem with older men, I just don't seem to have much in common with them, or they want a trophy wife, which I am not.
threebyfate Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 makelemonade, as a mother although not single and hope never to be again, if for any god forsaken reason I were ever to be single again, my focus would be on ensuring that any future man loves children. The online dating environment is working for you, not against you. It's filtering out the guys who aren't prepared to accept a ready made family which is great! As a single person in the past, I also wouldn't date anyone with children since I wasn't prepared to undo any previous poor parenting or as mentioned, handle any baby momma drama.
yessy21 Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 But, Brad on "The Bachelor" picked a woman with a child ... those shows have to be rigged.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted March 19, 2011 Author Posted March 19, 2011 I've had similar experience and recieved similar responces on LS. I don't have anything to add to help though, other than I seem to have "more" luck when I meet people in person than online. One thing I will not compromise on is my own standards, which aren't that stringent. Be employed or in school but independent. Be educated or at the very least articulate. Don't use drugs or drink to dangerous excess. Be nice to me. I want a long term, supportive, committed relationship. I do not want a friend with benefits or a f----buddy. People may look at me and my three children and see someone who made a mistake or suffers from poor judgement, but I am also educate, employed, independent, articulate, funy, kind, attractive, and damn good in bed. My flaws are on the surface, but no woman is a whole package of positives with no negatives. Until someone can see that in me, I guess I have to wait. Targeting men with kids will not solve the problem, neither will targeting older men or "lower" quality men. Why should I target people I find unattractive? I have no problem with men with kids, provided they take care of their kids. Many do not. I have no problem with older men, I just don't seem to have much in common with them, or they want a trophy wife, which I am not. This is lovely my sistah. Well said and well thought through. I agree.
Anxiety Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I like kids, but after being with a woman with a child, I would rather date someone without kids. Its not because of the kids, but because there will always be another man around. On days her exh would come to pick up/drop off her daughter I wasn't allowed to park in front of the house, and I had to hide somewhere in the house so he didn't know I was there. All because she didn't want to tell him about me. Its also extra hard during a breakup, I loved her daughter like she was my own.
milkmaterial Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 @anxiety: its not always gonna be like that. what happened to you was not the fault of a single mom, but its the fault of an idiot. i cannot have the heart to let the man who loves me just hide himself. even a childless woman can do that to you. probably, even more than a single mom. ive actually researched this case a few years back for an article i was writing and ive come to a conclusion that these kind of men are immature, had bad experiences or they want to be the kid..(they wanna be the ones in the center of attention, they want to be the ones that the woman will take care of) ive also read they are scared that in the event of a divorce or seperation they will be forced to pay child support for children that arent biologically their own. single moms are jsut like childless females, the bad ones are bad, the good ones are good. also would be good to bring up the kids part after "several dates" or after the man has fallen in love with you.
irc333 Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Some guys might be more inclined to date a woman with kids...exclusively...but not marry her.
Recommended Posts