makelemonade1974 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I'm so frustrated with the online dating thing. I gave it up for a while because I just wasn't meeting anyone who I had sparks with and I found the "blind date" scenario stressful. I've met guys in bars, etc. and met my last BF at work. I work on a university campus so there are hot grad students everywhere, but things are a bit dry right now so I thought I'd check out Match again. Here's the thing - and I've had this experience before - a lot of men simply will not date me because I have children. Or they will email and say "let's go out but I'll never be a family man." I've stated in my profile that I'm not looking to live with someone or get married (anytime soon), so chances are men I date will never even meet my kids. However, my children are beautiful and it seems an insult to them to date a man that says he would prefer they not exist. And I might perhaps live with the right guy - years down the line - so I just can't close that door entirely. I've been told I'm strikingly attractive, I'm slender, look about ten years younger than I am, have a graduate degree, am a successful writer, have traveled the world, love the arts, and am a great catch, seriously. So why do men run in the opposite direction when they find out I have children?
GivenUp0083 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Dating sites make the situation a little more tricky. Men and women can be a little more choosy because they don't see you on a regular basis and if they are going to spend time to meet a stranger they want an "ideal situation" Unfortunately for a lot of single younger guys, a woman with children is not ideal and by stating what you DONT want may hurt you as well. Just leave that part out about what you want. They don't need to know that yet. Just state you're looking to meet people. Here's the reasoning behind being "afraid" of children in a man's subcounscious first thoughts: Kids = responsibility. Single guys aren't ready for that right away up front. Single mother = bad life decisions. Guys initially associate this with a girl who got knocked up, or fell in love too fast and started a family quickly and it turned out to be a bad decision. Now this doesn't mean it is the story of YOUR life, these are just initial thoughts or stereo types of women with kids.
LeaningIntoTheMuse Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I am 28, and definitely not ready to have kids. I'm not ready for the responsibility. So I can understand the mindset. Some people just aren't ready.
Andy_K Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 No matter whether the guy will meet the kids in the 'near future' or not, having them *will* limit the freedom of the relationship. Everything you do together takes much more planning and organisation than it otherwise would, because someone has to look after your kids. Every guy also knows that IF the woman thinks you're the one, she's eventually going to want the two of you to live together. Which means living with and financially supporting another man's kids. Most single guys just don't want to do that. Guys don't like responsibility at the best of times
Author makelemonade1974 Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 No matter whether the guy will meet the kids in the 'near future' or not, having them *will* limit the freedom of the relationship. Everything you do together takes much more planning and organisation than it otherwise would, because someone has to look after your kids. Every guy also knows that IF the woman thinks you're the one, she's eventually going to want the two of you to live together. Which means living with and financially supporting another man's kids. Most single guys just don't want to do that. Guys don't like responsibility at the best of times And here are some representative examples of these men lol. I share custody so only have my kids half the time - and they are not small. In 5 years (about the time I might actually live with someone) my oldest will be in college and my youngest will be 14. So no limitations as far as freedom goes - I go to Europe pretty much every summer and they stay with their grandparents. I don't need someone to financially support me. Why are men so hung up on that? Arghhh there are so many assumptions that people make it's ridiculous. I'm independent. I want a lover - not someone to take care of me for ciol. And I don't understand people who don't like children - who find them a burden and not a blessing. Children are beautiful and teach us how WE should be in so many respects. Just sayin . . .
TouchedByViolet Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 (edited) I agree with the other posters. Additionally, I would like my first child to be my wife's first too. I want to share the experience of becoming a parent. Edited March 18, 2011 by TouchedByViolet
betterdeal Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I go to Europe pretty much every summer and they stay with their grandparents. If you ever come to Cambridge, UK, look me up!
oaks Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I've been told I'm strikingly attractive, I'm slender, look about ten years younger than I am, have a graduate degree, am a successful writer, have traveled the world, love the arts, and am a great catch, seriously. Sounds good to me. What are you doing on Wednesday? (and being a mum doesn't put me off) So why do men run in the opposite direction when they find out I have children? Perhaps because they don't want to be a father for someone else's kids. I'm not saying that that is what you're looking for, but I've seen online profiles that made me think that (and others that didn't).
welikeincrowds Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I'm surprised that you don't find the answer obvious. Isn't it obvious? He's afraid of becoming a father to your children. Whether or not you consider that a possibility isn't relevant. Children are perfect symbols of the permanence and consequence inherent to dating that we would rather not think about when we're just getting started. You say that you are are all these wonderful, lovable things, and then you wonder why you intimidate men. Feelings are scary. We can't look at people and tell what will happen in the future, but we all know the feeling of being nearly controlled by our infatuation for someone. So what happens when Guy A falls in love with you? For him: then what? Imagine all the possibilities, as I'm sure Guy A has. Many (maybe most) fathers aren't ready to call themselves a "father" until after the child is born. Whether or not a given man considers himself capable of that role right now is suspect, regardless of whether he is actually capable or not. You challenge him to consider that about himself, simply by nature of you having kids. You ask him whether he is ready to be a father, without the benefit of having been a part of the process himself -- whether you realize it or not. He thinks "no", and he turns you down. For better or worse.
Author makelemonade1974 Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 Ah, welike, I see your point. Thanks for helping me see the other side's point of view. I can understand this. I think the problem is that I'm just taking it so personally. I don't like feeling like my babies are some sort of handicap or something - this is MY problem, not other people's. So many people want different things out of life. I need to be patient and stop being such a b i t c h about it. The right one will come along in good time I think.
Imajerk17 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Well, the way we'd like for it to work is that we meet you, we fall in love with you, and *then* we want to have our kids with you. The kids coming into the picture much sooner just messes up the sequence, and that they are that of another man makes it even worse.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 But, Brad on "The Bachelor" picked a woman with a child ...
grecian Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I have a small child but the guy i'm with doesnt have an issue with it at all. He's at a point in his life when he knows what he wants and he wants a family. He wants us to have kids together and he just sees my kid as an opportunity for him to see how it is to have kids in your life. And it's also great for me as well 'cause i see how he is with my kid and it makes me feel certain that he's going to be a good father to my child and the ones that we'll hopefully have together. So, i think you should see your kids as a great way to sort guys out until you find the one that you are confident about and who'll be right for you and your children.
Imajerk17 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 But, Brad on "The Bachelor" picked a woman with a child ... Like that's real-life. Let's see what happens 6 months, 2 years, 5 years later.
yessy21 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 i have only ran into that problem twice. other than that its never a problem.
Mme. Chaucer Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Joking aside, I think in a perfect world, and on paper, most single guys who have no kids would prefer to be with a woman in the same position ... but, I think these same guys are often easily susceptible to being swept off their feet by an attractive woman who does have kids. Unfortunately, online dating provides a barrier to this happening. People can dismiss whoever does not meet their criteria without meeting them.
carhill Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 A relationship and marriage-minded man will process the totality of his responsibilities with the potential benefits of a relationship with single mother and her child(ren) and decide whether the balance is positive for him. The commonality of my anecdotes from 15-25 years ago (so from 1986-96 roughly) was that dating pretty much revolved around the children or included the children. The children were the mother's priority, and rightfully so. It was *how* she exercised that priority and balanced it with her dating life which ultimately I found to be incompatible, and that was as a man who loves children and enjoy(ed) being a father-figure and male role model to them. Personally, I never gave the thought of 'supporting' them any consideration. I was perfectly capable of supporting a family and was actively looking for that in a relationship. It was how the women *treated me* which caused me to terminate the interactions. Perhaps a single father has a different threshold and/or differing criteria for what he considers equitable and loving treatment. As always, it's about compatibility. I seriously doubt most mature men are 'afraid' of children. One datapoint
dreamingoftigers Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Because kids are scary ! Look at that little terror on my lap! She climbs out of her bed sometimes and sneaks up on me in the morning, you never know what she is going to get into next! Peek-a-boo is not just a game, it is a survival test!
East7 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I've been told I'm strikingly attractive, I'm slender, look about ten years younger than I am, have a graduate degree, am a successful writer, have traveled the world, love the arts, and am a great catch, seriously. So why do men run in the opposite direction when they find out I have children? Wow..i'd like to date you too You already got two candidates in Europe lol.. But seriously, I am single guy and I have never been afraid dating single mothers, I have already done it and if it didn't work it wasn't because of the children. Look, the guy who will really love you, will also love/accept your children. It only takes tolerance and maturity. I Have seen around me, single guys or single women marry people with children, maybe we are more tolerant here. I admit though that single people will often expect or wish to have their baby with you if the relationship becomes serious (depending on age and other factors). Either way, dating single fathers eliminates this prejudice.
elastica Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 In my experience, when men get older (I mean when tehy get in their 30s) it does not matter that much anymore. My BF has dated a single mum before me, and I know quite a few men in their 30s who don't/would not find being a mother an obstacle. Maybe you are just meeting the wrong/too young men?
mtber75 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I'm ready to be a father now. But I don't want to be a father to another person's kid. That's just me!
betterdeal Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Joking aside, I think in a perfect world, and on paper, most single guys who have no kids would prefer to be with a woman in the same position ... but, I think these same guys are often easily susceptible to being swept off their feet by an attractive woman who does have kids. Unfortunately, online dating provides a barrier to this happening. People can dismiss whoever does not meet their criteria without meeting them. Replace "guys" with "people" and "woman" with "person" and I agree.
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