mikeymad Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 There have to be some veterans here who have been through a D. I don't know if I find myself numb, but less "naive" and ready to commit to someone. The person i'm dating have been together for a little over 5 months. I haven't said the "l" word, because I'm not ready yet, as it probably denotes a major commitment. She just informed me that she got a job offer in puerto rico, and needs to leave in a week's time. There is no timetable for return, and she told me that she's going to accept based on the fact that I haven't said it yet. Dealbreaker?
PegNosePete Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 If you do not love her then it's not fair to lie, to make her stay. Just be honest if she chooses to go then it's her decision.
yessy21 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Let her go. U are not in love. this just means that maybe someone better is in store for u. someone that u will fall in love with.
Duckduckgoose Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 So she's only taking a job because you don't love her? Dealbreaker. She's serving you an ultimatum that because you don't love her (yet)she's leaving for a job and never coming back. Let her take her job and hope she finds a man there. As for you, just keep sorting your feelings out there will be other woman along shortly there always are. On the flip side, lets say you told her you loved her, you professed undying admiration to her. Would she suddenly decide the job offer wasn't worth it? Would she stay happily by your side? Methinks probably not. She might seem "happy" for a while but eventually there would be another "dealbreaker" she would leave you for. Waiting more then a year to propose? Haha she would prolly find a willing ex-bf that she could use to pull your jealous strings, then say something like.. "Well its been a year and you haven't proposed and my ex-bf here thinks you should cause he was so good to me blah blah". That is a far-fetched scenario, I know but it's just an example. Cut her off before this becomes a pattern. Bye bye gf have fun in Puerto Rico.
cyabye Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 There is no timetable for return, and she told me that she's going to accept based on the fact that I haven't said it yet. Dealbreaker? YES. Sounds like manipulation. Wish her the best. cya
Steadfast Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 The ebb and flow of life is uncanny. My first 'post-D' relationship came to the exact same bridge. I cared for her, but wasn't ready to commit. Well intended or not, trying to force someone's hand is manipulation. It hurt, but I said 'goodbye and good luck' and it was absolutely the right thing to do. Be strong, be kind Mikey-
trippi1432 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Well, before painting the woman as a total wiley manipulator, we should remember that men hear things one way and women hear them another. Here is one side and it sounds like "I'm taking a job in Puerto Rico IF or BECAUSE you don't say you love me." Now, that does sound manipulative. Now on the other side of that, perhaps this job opportunity came up and she is having to choose between you and the job, validating it with the gut instinct that you are emotionally unavailable right now (and understandably, you are). Five months is not a lot of time to get to that level of commitment. In addition, you can't really blame her for looking out for her best interests either. After all, you both are really only dating at this point...and by not committing before you are ready, you are looking out for your best interests as well. Hopefully, this is the case and you won't burn a bridge. So, if you aren't ready, that's fine. Let her go and don't be upset. Go about it as easily and kindly as you can because it is hard to love someone who doesn't love you back or isn't ready. It may not be manipulative at all, but her trying to make a life decision that either includes you or doesn't.
2sure Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Taking a job far away with no plan of return..... And then telling you that she is accepting it because you havent said the L word???? OK, think about this. You have been dating her, post divorce, for 5 months. Not a long time really. What if you had said the L word? Then she would tell you: I have a great job opportunity but I am giving it all up because you Love me. You want to be saddled with that???
hopesndreams Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I feel sorry for your girlfriend. 5 months of her life has been wasted. If she knew the signs of an unavailable man she could have cut you loose months ago. Dater beware.
Steadfast Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I feel sorry for your girlfriend. 5 months of her life has been wasted. If she knew the signs of an unavailable man she could have cut you loose months ago. Dater beware. Whoa! Didn't see that response coming. While I can see your point H-n-D, five months isn't a very long time. Knowing what I know now, I'd put -at least- a two-year window of courtship/dating between myself and a marriage proposal. But that's me. Some might do it faster, some, slower. Five months post-D and she wants cement? I'm not sure that the best thing for either one. Still, if you're going back on a promise made, it's wrong. Post-D dating is tough, no matter how you slice it-
trippi1432 Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I feel sorry for your girlfriend. 5 months of her life has been wasted. If she knew the signs of an unavailable man she could have cut you loose months ago. Dater beware. Nah...I would give MikeyMad the benefit of doubt recalling his past posts, I think he is a good guy who wants to do the right thing. But you do have to admit, just about everyone here on LS is emotionally unavailable...have been too hurt, cheated on, lied to, abandoned, gaslighted....etc, how could anyone not feel emotionally unavailable. If the GF is truly being manipulative, the job in Puerto Rico never really existed or was just a suggestion...but never a real opportunity. On the other hand, if the job is real and an opportunity for her, if his feelings for her aren't genuine, then he needs to let go. Whoa! Didn't see that response coming. While I can see your point H-n-D, five months isn't a very long time. Knowing what I know now, I'd put -at least- a two-year window of courtship/dating between myself and a marriage proposal. But that's me. Some might do it faster, some, slower. Five months post-D and she wants cement? I'm not sure that the best thing for either one. Still, if you're going back on a promise made, it's wrong. Post-D dating is tough, no matter how you slice it- Well, don't think she was looking for a marriage proposal...hope she is smarter than that....but yeah...there is a length of time before getting back in the frying pan again that is appropriate...perhaps exclusivity....but a wedding ring...eeps:rolleyes::rolleyes:.
Steadfast Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Well, don't think she was looking for a marriage proposal...hope she is smarter than that....but yeah...there is a length of time before getting back in the frying pan again that is appropriate...perhaps exclusivity....but a wedding ring...eeps:rolleyes::rolleyes:. Sorry about bringing the 'M' word up dear trippi...double eeps! :) Just my personal spin. If I'm dating a woman for longer than five months, there's a good chance I've fallen in love with her. To 'string it out' any longer than that is a sign of disrespect, IMO. At least, for announcing some sort of intention...exclusive or otherwise-
WorldIsYours Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I agree with Hopes, dude. If you were never ready to get serious in the first place, which is understandable, don't jump in with her and gaslight her for this long.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 I was wondering how you were doing. Not as hard as you thought, eh? Unless you are compelled to be with her then let her go. It actually doesn't strike me as manipulative. Look at it as a relationship that you had to heal from the D and be able to know that you could let someone in again, even if not all the way.
trippi1432 Posted March 19, 2011 Posted March 19, 2011 Sorry about bringing the 'M' word up dear trippi...double eeps! :) Just my personal spin. Eh...no harm, no foul...hope you are doing good. I was wondering how you were doing. Not as hard as you thought, eh? Unless you are compelled to be with her then let her go. It actually doesn't strike me as manipulative. Look at it as a relationship that you had to heal from the D and be able to know that you could let someone in again, even if not all the way. Good perspective DOT...MikeyMad, there is a lot going on here, nip it in the bud early, hard way of looking at it...but the best before either of you become too emotionally invested.
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