I'm not too sure what I should do.

[jt1]

Hi everyone. As you can see I'm new to this forum, but I would sometimes read advice others have given to those in need, but now I feel that I need advice. I apologize in advance for my post being so long but I hope that giving all the details will help you understand this issue and help me vent this problem, since I don't really have anyone who can give me helpful advice.

 

My girlfriend, who was my first in everything, sex and what have you, and I have been going out for 4 years and 5 months now. Though it does sound cliche, I really do love her with everything I have. She is not materialistic, and money isn't an issue with her. When I met her, she was 16 I was 18, going on 19, she had been broken up with an ex for about over a week. I didn't think too much of it though. She also had been having father issues for a long time as well, her father would neglect her in the way that he wouldn't show her that he loved her, and because her mother and father had argued so much when she was younger, they separated and left her longing for her father to say he loved her. She was also a cutter for a very short period of time, and she, for years, has had strong feelings of hate towards her father. She despised him greatly to say the least. For about a year and a half we did just fine, during which she lived with her father still, I would help her with her issues and I would always have a shoulder for her to cry on whenever she needed it, and I would comfort her as much as I could. We would have plenty of fun times, like any relationship does.

 

After about a year and a half into the relationship, she told me she felt very guilty, because she had a crush on a guy she had chatted with for a long time with, they were pen pals as well. I told her it was a stupid crush and to let it go. I forgave her for it and we moved on and they eventually talked again, but not till way later on. I also had felt guilty at a time because I had lied too, I had said that I did not watch porn, but I had done so later on. Yes, I know, it's stupid of me to have said it, but I don't know why I said I didn't, maybe at the time I was a little insecure about myself as well, since I never had a girlfriend, I had dated a girl for a month or so in high school, but that didn't end well, so that may have been where my insecurity came from, but it went away eventually.

 

Anyway, after she graduated, she moved in with me and my family, I still lived at home, well i still do. Some time into the relationship, I would not spend much time with her and would not really show much affection towards her. She started hanging out and making friends, because she never really had many friends, I was one of the only people who was very close to her.

She eventually met some guy and she started spending more time with him. I started getting suspicious, so I confronted her. She told me that she kissed him, in which she started crying and saying how bad she felt, but that that was as far as she took it. I believed her, because even though she had kissed another guy, I know she's not the type to sleep with people randomly as such. I told her to stop talking to him, and never contact him again, and so she never did talk to him again.

 

Now comes to the most recent problem. She had to go overseas to work for her mother as a teacher. She left just this past December 2010 and she came back 3 days ago. All the way up until February 20 she would tell me she loved me and she would communicate with me plenty. But a week and a half later, she begins to tell me that she does not feel anything for me. This hits me as a huge shock, because not too long ago she was saying she loved me. also, the way she said it was in a very cold manner, i felt that this wasn't her true self. I started to think back on her past and how she may have depression and that all the stress from not being able to do anything for herself, since she was working so much overseas as a teacher and lack of free time to relax and rid her stress had a huge effect on her. she mentioned that boyfriends are trivial, and that relationships are trivial. This was after she said that the thing she was truly focusing on, was repairing the relationship with her father. She wanted to get her feelings across to him and for him to say that he loves her and accepts her. She says that she doesn't feel love towards me, and she started thinking that maybe she was just convincing herself that she did love me before.

 

Yesterday I find out that she was talking to her pen pal that she had talked to a long time ago, they would chat every once in a great while, but nothing serious, until I made an educated guess and asked her if she liked the guy. She said she does. She says she feels calm with him, I didnt know what the hell to think, I was just so F@cking mad that in my anger I caller her a F#kin idot and told her to stop talking to him and to cut ties with him, that it just isn't ****ing healthy or helping. It really pissed me off since I would try and wake up early in the morning, usually at 4 or 5 am just to get a chance to chat with her online because of the time difference. As I eventually found out, she would also be chatting with that same pen pal at the times I would be on. Throughout the relationship, we would do as much as we could for us, but as she said, she does not see me in her future. She told me that she had been feeling like this for a while and thinking like that for a while as well, for about a year already or so, she said she sometimes would feel like she loves me, other times she wouldn't. But I said people just naturally stop feeling it, because its not a new relationship anymore, that's how relationships are, but you have to work at it to keep it exciting and new at times.

 

As of today, she has told me that she wants me to help her move her stuff into her fathers house, which is about less than 5 miles from where I live, she wants to go since she wants to spend time with him. I don't see her doing that is the problem, the problem is that she just She does not really feel "love" towards me, and that she is giving our relationship a chance for now, as she said "more for your sake." and that she will not talk to that guy she likes. Is she confused? Has the stress gotten to her? Is she depressed? I don't quite know. Should we just take it day by day and see what happens? She says that people just lose feelings sometimes, but I say there's always a reason. I think she just doesn't really know what shes feeling right now, and now that things are going alright with her father so far, she doesn't want anything else in her way. However, as a I told her, in relationships there are compromises, I made plenty of them in order to spend time with her as much as I could. I would work as hard as I could for her, and it pisses me off so damn much and makes me feel like all I did meant nothing to her.

 

I really don't know what to do. She leaves in 3 months back overseas, and I feel that I don't have much time left with her. She said that if her feelings do not change till then, then we'll have to break up, since she won't be happy.

Thank you all for reading through this, I really do appreciate you taking your time to helping me with my problem. I truly do love her, I'm not an idiot, but I also don't know what to do, your advice will be well appreciated.

Edited March 18, 2011 by jt1

[complicationsinlove]

I say give her some space and time, and try dating in the mean time. Its hard to do that when your heart is with her, but you don't want to wait around for nothing. Reach out to her before she leaves, and see what happens though

[jt1]

I see, so I should just help her move in with her dad and that way she could get her space and time? I thought us being apart for 3 months with her overseas would have been plenty of time for oneself, but I suppose being in that stressful place doesn't really help the situation.

Edited March 18, 2011 by jt1

[jt1]

She has moved to her fathers house as of today. I still have some of her stuff and she will be coming by tomorrow to pick her stuff up tomorrow. Once I finished unloading her stuff, we just said bye and see you tomorrow so she can get the rest of her stuff. We did not hug, nor did I say I love you or anything, just a bye, and see you later.

 

My question now is, what do you all think would be best to do? Some people have said to surprise her every once in while with flowers or chocolates but I don't know about that. From what I have read, however, some people have said to just not contact her so she can realize if shes missing out on anything and to sort out her feelings.

 

What do you all think?

[Kindaconfused_77]

It sounds to me that by reminding her how hard you work, putting pressure on her to get back to feeling about you the way she used to, you are not getting anywhere. You mention she said she would give it a run "for your sake" when she should really be doing so for her sake too. I agree with the previous poster give her and give yourself fome space, try to meet people, date, give her the freedom to do the same and before she leaves in 3 months, reasess your feelings and hers.

[jt1]

I see, so is that what anyone reading this thinks would be the best thing? To just give it time and see where it leads? In all honesty, I really don't care for dating around, I don't NEED to do so, or at least I don't feel the need to. I've never been a very social person who surrounds himself with people. So what other options could I go with? Not contacting her much? I have "our" dog with me, so she'll probably come by every once in a while, since she can't keep our dog at her fathers place.

[jt1]

Update: Yesterday, we broke up. She told me she wasn't feeling anything and would be more comfortable just separating and staying as friends then seeing what happens, she said if we get back together, great, but she can't guarantee she'll get any feelings back. Perfectly reasonable. I want to make it clear, I'm not in denial, I am just wondering if shes making a mistake. Mainly because she was juggling this decision of whether she liked me or not when she was at her most stressed overseas as a teacher. Then during that time she started talking to her online friend/oldcrush/ new crush more than me, and being that people are more mentally weak during times of stress, separating and distancing herself from me. That and then her getting finding out most of what her mother said about herself and her father was a lie. Most of my ex's life was spend thinking her dad never cared much for her and that her mother was the good one, when it was the other way around.

 

So now shes very happy that shes with her dad. Perfectly fine by me, nothing wrong with being happy with family.

 

What do you all think of this? Would I be wrong to assume such things as her making a mistake? I'm just trying to make sense of it all, specially since it was going just fine 3 weeks before she came back. Then out of nowhere a 180 is pulled.

[Andy_K]

I am sorry to say this, but I think she has been mentally and emotionally checked out of this relationship for some time now. She didn't suddenly love you one minute and not the next, she just suddenly reached the 'tipping point' of feeling bad enough about hiding her doubts that she had to come clean and tell you.

 

Give her the space she desires. Not because it will help her change her mind, but because you're a decent guy and you know it's what she wants. There's no way to 'win' this one, but you can lose gracefully.

[ccfan]

Jt1 sorry you are going thru this bro, I been there myself...

 

It´s very clear to me that you were the 70% of this relationship and she was only the rest, you are the one that loves more (i´m usually that person as well) and that is a recipe for people like us to get hurt...

 

So basically you loved, cared and even gave a roof to this girl, meanwhile she: ....

 

1. Started to chat (emotionally cheating) with a guy she had a crush on.. you forgave her..

2. Kissed with another guy... you forgave her again

3. is back chatting with the that guy ... no comment

4. Will try again your relationship but "more for your own sake"

5. broke up with you ... (this was comming a mile away).

 

The only space you need to give is TO YOURSELF to move on with your life, specially since you are so young and have many good things ahead of you, when we are in love we tend to defend the actions of our exes and i see that you are doing that.. reality is that this girl cheated on you. Period. you cannot forget that or look the other way.

 

Since you love her and you really sound like a decent, honest guy that wants to make things right, you are looking for and "angle" or those words that will make your ex gf come back to you or a way to minimize her wrongdoings, but you really need to think that beyond the cute crying that this girl puts when she does wrong, shes basically doing whatever she wants... put it this way: you gave her a home with your family and in return she is kissing/chatting some other guys (and this is what we know). You need to run bro, help her move her stuff out andgo No Contact for good.

 

And please... i mean PLEASE... DO NOT, NEVER EVER give flowers, chocolate or anything!! what did she do to deserve this?? being with another guy?? you know better thatn this.

 

Get out with dignity, and unless she comes back chasing, begging for forgiveness go No Contact and move on with your life... you deserve better than this girl.

Edited March 23, 2011 by ccfan

[jt1]

Thanks you everyone, and ccfan. I feel bad that you've also been through this, this whole situation coupled with the fact it was my first real, long term relationship makes it hurt a hell of a lot. I mean, I know I'm still young, and "there's plenty of fish in the sea" as they say, but regardless, for now, I don't feel like going fishing.

 

The ****tiest part of all this, I believe, is it could have all been avoided, if she just would have looked for professional help about her having chemical imbalances, which I'm sure she has just as my older sister did, since she shows similar symptoms. In all wishing, my thought was that she could have handled all this differently and came to talk to me more about her feelings, because from what I've read, depression can mess with every aspect of a person. It's all wishful thinking, I know, but for now, it's a little hard not to think so.

 

Somehow I always take the harder road in life. Even though she agreed to try and reassess feelings and give it another chance, I feel that I should try. I'm the type of person that likes to know, even if there's a small chance or I might get hurt, instead of taking the "safe road.'' As stubborn as it sounds, sometime it is better to know than not, as I always say. I don't like the whole "ignorance is bliss." Ignorance is what we have too much in this world as it is.

 

However, I understand when you say just leave it and not look back, because I'm sure some went through this, or know someone that went through it and some know how women think better, due to them being women themselves, or from great experience. Every situation is different and there is just so many considerations and variables. Maybe I'm just a stubborn fool in love? I take that back, seems like I am one, huh? Though that may be true, I do still love her, unconditionally as they say. Maybe my stubbornness is my down fall, or can it be my triumph? See what I mean when I say it would just be better to take that chance? Well, for me anyway. However, I'm prepared to accept the feelings that may come with it, but I'm hoping for the best.

 

Do not take what I do or say the wrong way. You've all gave great advice, no doubt about that. I dislike how some people come on here and get offended from what others advice is, sure some isn't the best advice either, but they tried and read through your post. The "original posters" shouldn't be mad since its that persons point of view, and it's good to have different point of views. It's up to the poster to either take it or not.

 

So again, Thank you all for your help. If you want to leave further comments, please do so. I'll update as needed.

[jt1]

UPDATE: So last night I talked to my ex's friend. It was just to talk about whats going on with me and my ex. While we were talking, my ex calls and and her friend asks where shes at. My ex, i guess, asks her friend who is asking, and after saying it was me, she gets pissed off. I understand I'm not "entitled" to such information, seeing as to we're not together, but it was pretty difficult not to ask since she was emotionally cheating on me while we were still together. That and all I ever wanted was the truth from her.

 

When we broke up, she said if it was alright to stay friends, I agreed, but she just kept lying about things after that. Her call came in at 11pm last night. She was with the guy that I said she shouldn't see, not because I was trying to be "controlling" or anything like that, but because when I talked to him a year and a half ago he seemed like not a good person and bad news overall. I got a gut feeling about him, a "Mans Intuition" exactly like when women say to another that a certain guy is no good. So what does she do? Ignore my advice and goes over too him like hes giving her breadcrumbs and she just licks all them up. The guy lives 1 hour away by car, and she took the bus because she doesn't have a car right now. She ****s up a 4 and a half year relationship, just for some jackass she met only one time for 3 minutes, and the rest was just online talk or letters. I was nothing but faithful and genuinely nice towards her and treated her well. I give her a place to stay, treat her well, and love her. We had great times, but she really ****ed up this time.

 

I can't see myself forgiving her for this. I just can't wait until she gets ****ed over by this jackass and wants to get back with me when she realizes what shes lost. Or, maybe she won't get ****ed over by him, but Karma is a bitch, and it eventually gets people back. I treated her ****ing well all this time, and this is how I'm repaid. What a load of ****. After the fling and puppy love bull**** has runs its course, we'll see what happens.

[Survivor12]

Your story has a lot in common with that of a good friend of mine and his exgf.

 

They broke up 5 yrs ago when she left him for another man. At the time, he was very confused, hurt, and angry. Now, 5 yrs later (hindsight is 20/20, right?), the truth has revealed itself.

 

Without going into a lot of unnecessary detail, the bottom line is while he was acting as her protector and confidante, she was seeing him as a "replacement" father. While he (like you) was directing her away from other relationships, she felt obligated to comply because to her, control equalled love...proof that he cared. As time went by and she began to mature, just like a child who is ready to experience life as an adult, she began to need more than familial love and began to resent and reject his "interference" in her life. When she met the OM, for the first time, she felt like she was a woman, not a child. (This explanation came from her, btw)

 

As I said before, I can see a lot of similarities in your situation so perhaps hearing this will help you understand how she may be feeling.

 

To paraphrase Paul Harvey, but there is more to the story...

 

Recently, after 5 yrs, my friend's ex gf and the OM broke up. Since then, she and my friend have resumed communication. They aren't dating, but they are talking and both have decided that it is much too soon to resume a relationship. In the meantime, they are getting to know each other again and this time, he sees her in a completely new light--as a grown woman who doesn't need him to take care of her--and is more confident, capable and intriguing than he had ever realized.

 

Even if things don't play out the same for you, I do hope that you will find some comfort in understanding that perhaps she just needs some time to experience life on her own terms.

Edited April 7, 2011 by Survivor12