Long distance girlfriend breakup - but claims to love me still...what now?

[brutalglide]

Hey guys,

 

Basically, had a LDR with for the past 1.5/2 years, everything went pretty smoothly in terms of progressing from meeting her to sex to exclusive to LDR until just recently. She's in China while I'm in the US (my family moved to China and that's how I met her). She's always had stronger feelings for me than and everything was going well till the past month.

 

Basically, she was applying for a grad program in Chicago while I was applying for jobs in various cities. I remained non committed to joining her in Chicago (despite the fact I had a job offer there) because I wasn't sure if I wanted that job (which is why I was still applying for different jobs in different cities). I explained this to her and she understood and we agreed that we'd just keep our LDR going until I figured out where I was going to be. If she got into her program, she'd be in Chicago in early May, with me having the ability to be where ever I want (until my job starts, probably June/July).

 

She had always wanted study abroad in US in the first place, just was never motivated enough to do so until I came along. And I checked with her multiple times to make sure that it wasn't just for me, to which she said it wasn't. And she kept telling me that she was OK with me taking a job a different city if I got a job I wanted as she knew I didn't want the job in Chicago (interned there last summer and she remembers me complaining about how much I hated it), and she'd join me wherever I was after her 1 year masters. And I also told her I'd be trying really hard to find jobs I like in Chicago as well.

 

Back when I got my Chicago offer, we only knew each other for a year and I wasn't ready to commit even though she was. And I was worried that if I lead her on into thinking marriage and I realized a year later that my feelings weren't that strong for her, then she'd be crushed. So I decided to be up front and say I wasn't sure where I was gonna be and I was still applying for jobs. In the meantime, I was hoping that I'd be able to figure out my true feelings towards her. And now that I do know I want to be with her, it could be too late.

 

However, this past month she slowly became more and more distant. Couldn't figure out why exactly, but I approached her twice on two different occasions to ask, to which she responded she was busy and apologized for being distant and said she would be better about it. Anyways, there was very little change in behavior so obviously I started to get concerned.

 

A few weeks ago I found out about a job I seriously considering taking, but it was in NYC. Told her I was probably taking that / I'd be able to visit more often that we normally see each other right now. She has always indicated to me she didn't care what city I was in as we'd be closer than we are now (China vs US). Two days ago, we find out she got into her grad school program in Chicago, but to my surprise she wasn't excited. I questioned her, asked her to tell the truth, explaining I've felt something has been off for awhile now.

 

She explains to me she's started to question our relationship (also indicated a guy chasing her and kept pointing out that me/her would never work out and he could provide her everything she wanted but nothing happened with him). Basically this conversation led to discussing breaking up and we decided to think about it and talk about it the next day. I decide to call her up a few hours later saying I knew how I felt and asked if she did yet. Turns out she also had already decided and told me she wanted to break up, to which I agreed. Nothing was said in terms of closure, and eventually our call was interrupted and she had to go before we started/finished talking.

 

The next day I get a long email from her explaining her reasons for breaking up. Highlights include her saying she's breaking up cause distance was too hard, but she still loved me and that I made her happy. Also she indicated her main reason for breaking up was because she felt a lack of security/belonging in our relationship, to which she blames on culture/age/different long term plans. Which in her defense was probably quite likely as her feelings for me were always stronger than mine for hers and I'm pretty sure she realized this. Then she progresses to say at one point of time she was positive she wanted to marry me, but now realizes she needs someone who could commit to her and gave her that sense of security/belonging. Also, she couldn't deal with waiting more than 2-3 years for me to get married to her (she thought that I'd be in NYC originally and though it's closer it's still a LDR, though I told her briefly was thinking about taking Chicago when we first initiated break up talks over the phone). She concludes saying that she wishes me well and to take care of myself.

 

I figured that this problem should be an easy fix as I was planning on taking my job in Chicago now. So I decided to email her back a long email basically apologizing/explaining why she had a lack of security/belonging in our relationship and told her that I loved her and I'm ready to commit now and was willing to take my job offer in Chicago to be with her. Addressed her other various small concerns and said that if I was in Chicago and things went well, then in 2-3 years I would be seriously considering marriage. Said that if she still loved me then maybe we could still work things out but if not I wish her the best. Anyhow, I sent off the email and txted her saying I sent an email to her and to call me when she got a chance.

 

It's been a day now, almost two days and to my surprise, she hasn't responded to my email / called me / txted me. What exactly is going on here? I thought that by addressing her concerns by saying I'd be in Chicago, she'd be jumping at the chance to call me and indicate she wanted to get back together.

 

Now I'm starting to think something happened with this guy (as the issues with her being distant started when she met him) and she was merely writing her email to me and saying that stuff about loving me / originally positive she wanted to marry me cause she wanted to be nice with regards to breaking up with me when in reality she met this guy. But at the same time, she's moving in one month to Chicago and that guy is in China so I fail to see how he would be a concern as she's looking for marriage material.

 

Or perhaps the whole lack of security/belonging she has felt has finally taken its toll on her and she no longer loves me as she's been hurting from it for too long. Basically, anyone got any ideas wtf is going on?

 

I'm not about to reach out to her as I've already sent off that email and told her to call me. Even though we never got a chance to talk in depth about the breakup over the phone/skype, I felt that our forms of closure/discussion about breaking up took form in those emails. I feel that not contacting/talking to her is the proper move, as she'll realize she misses me and come back to me (especially considering I did send that email addressing her major concern). On the other hand, I'm worried that maybe she wants me to "fight for her," since the main issue for her about our relationship was my lack of commitment. And by not contacting her, I'll be just adding to her concern that I'm not really that committed to her and reconfirming her decision to break up with me. Then again, if she didn't mean everything she said in her email with regards to still loving me, then contacting her would probably work against me.

 

What do you guys think?

 

EDIT:

Turns out she emailed me back after two days of no contact. Basically she said that she agrees us breaking up is sad and unfortunate, given that she is coming to US in like 1-2 months and we dealt with LDR for 1-2 years. But since we are already at the point of break up, that means our relationship has problems and feelings are being lost already, so she thinks we should slow down for awhile. And says she is gonna get ready to go to the US for school and I should keep looking for jobs.

 

She says that I'm probably thinking that she broke up with me cause of this guy. And truthfully, that there is a guy chasing her. She talked it over with her parents, thought about it herself, and decided she should she should keep a little distance from him, as she's going to be going to the US anyways, and her life is going to change again. But about us, she thinks that she wants to wait until she gets to US and after I figure out my job situation that we should decide about us and wants my opinion on it all.

 

Sounds like it's possible a reason she isn't dating this guy is cause she's moving to the US, plus she isn't saying she's breaking off all contact with him. And she wants to wait until she comes to US to decide about us. Basically looks like she doesn't want to lose me cause she's worried that she'll want me back now that I'm saying I'll commit, so she doesn't want to break up permanently, but wants to take a break instead.

 

What do you guys think I should do? I'm just unsure of how I feel about everything and I know I wanted to be with her. On one hand, I know that my lack of commitment probably caused her to lose feelings for me. But I was upfront about it and now I'm ready to commit, but it looks like it might be too late. I feel like on one hand I want to keep the possibility of us getting back together, but if a guy can come in and stomp all over our relationship, I'm not so sure it's a good idea. I might be better off breaking it off clean and healing. Then again, maybe it wasn't because of the guy, and it was truly that she was questioning our relationship due to our lack of commitment.

 

And if I do want her back, what are my next steps given everything that has happened? Initiate no contact until she reaches back out to me?

 

I just don't know what to think / how I feel anymore and I needed some other opinions. Any help/advice is greatly appreciated.

Edited March 18, 2011 by brutalglide

[brutalglide]

Someone help please?

[brutalglide]

I know it's really long but this is killing me, just need some thoughts/opinions/advice

[brutalglide]

85 views and no responses? :/