Lilmisus Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I've never liked the idea of taking "breaks" from relationships. I feel that when you decide to take one, it's only one small step away from being broken up; you just prolong the process. Right now though, it feels like that's the only option I'm faced with. Break up or take a break from our relationship. It's not that I want to, I actually don't at all, but with how things are going in his life, it makes it to where I'm just another thing on his plate that he has to "worry" about, and I hate to know that that's what I'm doing to him. Every time we're together, I always try to make it to where I'm less of an "inconvenience" as possible, since I understand that this is the hardest time in his life he's ever been faced with. I also try to be the one person that he can talk to freely, and be the support and encouragement he needs right now, but it's hard when I know that he can't be the same for me at the moment. I can't go into detail about what's going on exactly, but he's worried about my safety and my getting involved in something that I shouldn't be involved in at all. He and his family are going through some traumatic times right now, where everyone's safety is at risk, and to where he can't sleep in peace at night, and neither can I do to worry about them all. He's mentioned it a few times now that I shouldn't be in the spot I'm in and that I should be a priority to him, but I can't be at the moment - too much is going on. So, I know his stance on this, he's been loud and clear. I also know that he's 100% right, and that we shouldn't be together at the moment. But I absolutely hate the idea of taking a break until things calm down with him, since I feel that if we do, then that's it, it's over. Not only that, but it would mean that I'd no longer be in the "loop" about things, and my worry would just escalate. Also, my safety wouldn't be guaranteed at all if we ended things, especially since we do work together still and that's not looking to change anytime in the near future. It would only change that I couldn't hug, talk, and kiss him like I typically do when we see one another there. I know that no matter what anyone says will it really change my mind, and that's a scary thought, but I guess what I'm wondering, is what would you guys do if you were in situation (that you don't really know the half of about)? Would you stick it out and stand by your man like I've been trying to do, or would you do the most rational thing and break up or take a break from things? Am I wrong to think that if we took a break that it would mean that we couldn't get back together and go where we left off when things calm down? I hate that things would be great if all the things that have been going on these past couples months (that he wasn't involved in, just..there) hadn't happened..absolutely hate it.
Movingthrough Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 (edited) I would say normally a "break" is just pro-longing a breakup, but in your situation you both seem pretty open about it and straight forward. If he has any doubts like you said of "its not a good time right now" or something like that, then yes give it a break or end it. When one person says i want a break, do not stay in it, they are checking out while you are still checked in, which will only land you in the breakup section of these boards. With so many events going on like it sounds, i would probably step back. Usually in relationships the "obvious" is the hardest. The fact that you are even posting here shows there are issues that you are not happy with, which in turn is not good for you two. IMO, i would cut it off, but i would be mature about it and leave LC going. After my break up i can tell you that the minute i see trouble in paradise i will address it and deal with it, plain and simple. Do not let something like this sit. Edited March 18, 2011 by Movingthrough
Author Lilmisus Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 I would say normally a "break" is just pro-longing a breakup, but in your situation you both seem pretty open about it and straight forward. If he has any doubts like you said of "its not a good time right now" or something like that, then yes give it a break or end it. When one person says i want a break, do not stay in it, they are checking out while you are still checked in, which will only land you in the breakup section of these boards. With so many events going on like it sounds, i would probably step back. Usually in relationships the "obvious" is the hardest. The fact that you are even posting here shows there are issues that you are not happy with, which in turn is not good for you two. IMO, i would cut it off, but i would be mature about it and leave LC going. After my break up i can tell you that the minute i see trouble in paradise i will address it and deal with it, plain and simple. Do not let something like this sit. I understand what you're saying, and I know it's probably the most rational thing to do right now. But, he hasn't told me that he wants to end things or take a break or anything, he just doesn't want me involved in what's going on and says that I could potentially be in danger because I'm "his girl," everyone knows that, and it scares him. Neither one of us has really talked about it besides that and my saying that I understand what's going on, and that I will be okay, since I didn't think I had anything to worry about. I still don't think I do, but he's extremely paranoid at the moment, and keeps thinking people are following him or us (he has been followed a few times in the past week, so that's understandable, I have not though), and hates putting me in that position. I would love to stay with him, and I hate the thought of losing our relationship and the guy I love over something that him and I have no control over. Part of me is considering way outside the box and is wondering if we can just "somewhat breakup." Meaning, back to where we were before we became official. No more dates, Facebook status back to single, tell everyone we're broken up, not communicating outside of work.. but seeing each other at work as a couple, talking then, and go out after work. Crazy idea, but this is driving me crazy.
heartshaped Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 (edited) In that sense, wouldn't it work just as well to tell everyone you are broken up [if this is about your safety] when you really aren't? Personally, I'm a very black and white person. I don't do breaks. Either we're together or we're not. I have never liked breaks because I feel like you are putting your life on hold for someone and it shouldn't have to be so complicated. It's either you want to be with them and you are available to or you're not. Of course, in your situation things are different, but you would have to ask yourself, if the two of you did take a break or break up, when would this issue with him be resolved and would you honestly want to wait around on it to be resolved, assuming you still felt the same? I feel like you have two options; stay with him or break up and move on. Edited March 18, 2011 by heartshaped
Eeyore79 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Personally I don't believe in breaks - if you have issues that need to be resolved, then you sure aren't going to solve them if you're apart! I am a strong believer that you should either resolve your difficulties or admit defeat and break up. If the break is because one person has other issues that need to be addressed, they should rely on their partner and be grateful for the support, not drive their partner away! Couples are supposed to support each other, not abandon each other or drive each other away when the going gets tough. In this situation however, I think you should run away as fast as your legs can carry you. I can't think of anything that could cause your boyfriend to be worried about your safety, except for criminal activities, which you definitely do not want to be involved in. If he has any kind of involvement in criminal activities you should drop him like a hot potato. There are lots of nice men out there who aren't involved in illegal or dangerous activities which would compromise their girlfriend's safety; go and date one of them, because your boyfriend sounds like a really bad choice of partner.
Author Lilmisus Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 In this situation however, I think you should run away as fast as your legs can carry you. I can't think of anything that could cause your boyfriend to be worried about your safety, except for criminal activities, which you definitely do not want to be involved in. If he has any kind of involvement in criminal activities you should drop him like a hot potato. There are lots of nice men out there who aren't involved in illegal or dangerous activities which would compromise their girlfriend's safety; go and date one of them, because your boyfriend sounds like a really bad choice of partner. Yes it is criminal activity. No, he didn't do anything and he is far away from being a criminal. I don't feel like going through all my posts to find it, but I did start a thread maybe...a week ago? for venting purposes about what was going on, that had to do with gangsters. It doesn't tell the entire story, but it tells what the newspapers are telling the public, and all that I feel comfortable giving away on here. If he was a criminal or I had any thought that he was involved in illegal activity, I would drop him like a hot potato like you said. But since he's not, and he's 100% innocent of doing any criminal activity at all, it's hard to, knowing he's a great guy, who has a sister with a poor choice of character and dated a loser of a guy who IS the one who should have been dropped as soon as she met him.
USMCHokie Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Break = breakup. Regardless of the circumstances, if someone wanted to be with me, they'd be with me. There's really no need to p*ssyfoot around. Given the specific circumstances of your situation, I personally feel that he doesn't feel you're worth it and that he is taking a "righteous path" to end it without making himself feel bad.
Author Lilmisus Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 Break = breakup. Regardless of the circumstances, if someone wanted to be with me, they'd be with me. There's really no need to p*ssyfoot around. Given the specific circumstances of your situation, I personally feel that he doesn't feel you're worth it and that he is taking a "righteous path" to end it without making himself feel bad. Completely agree to the first part. That's why I'm so cautious as to what to do right now. Listen to my head that screams safety first! Or listen to my heart that says we can't get back together once we end things, since it just wouldn't be the same. And about the second part, I sort of feel that way sometimes, especially since he doesn't voice concern about his best friend that lives with him or others that go by his house. His reasoning is that since I'm his girlfriend anyone could use me to get back at him and his family since I'm obviously close to him. I don't believe that this will happen (knock on wood), but he's not the only person who's said this and who has warned me of the consequences of being with him right now. And like I said, he hasn't said "we need a break," he's just voiced his concern over my safety. What it means...I don't know, but I wish I did know.
USMCHokie Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Completely agree to the first part. That's why I'm so cautious as to what to do right now. Listen to my head that screams safety first! Or listen to my heart that says we can't get back together once we end things, since it just wouldn't be the same. And about the second part, I sort of feel that way sometimes, especially since he doesn't voice concern about his best friend that lives with him or others that go by his house. His reasoning is that since I'm his girlfriend anyone could use me to get back at him and his family since I'm obviously close to him. I don't believe that this will happen (knock on wood), but he's not the only person who's said this and who has warned me of the consequences of being with him right now. And like I said, he hasn't said "we need a break," he's just voiced his concern over my safety. What it means...I don't know, but I wish I did know. Well, I'm by no means trying to say you should or shouldn't break up with him. All I'm saying is that you either break up or stay together. This "taking a break" BS is just that...BS...either sh*t or get off the can...if you decide to end it, then just end it so both of you can move on with your life. Otherwise, stay together and make it through the adversity...together... I honestly don't understand on and off again relationships...are people that desperate or hopeless that they keep going back to the same relationship that is obviously troubled...?
Author Lilmisus Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 Well, I'm by no means trying to say you should or shouldn't break up with him. All I'm saying is that you either break up or stay together. This "taking a break" BS is just that...BS...either sh*t or get off the can...if you decide to end it, then just end it so both of you can move on with your life. Otherwise, stay together and make it through the adversity...together... I honestly don't understand on and off again relationships...are people that desperate or hopeless that they keep going back to the same relationship that is obviously troubled...? Honestly, I don't know. I personally hate the idea of taking a break, like you said, "stay together and make it through the adversity together." I've had friends though who have had one person saying that they want to see who all is out there before the settle down and commit to one person. Like, live their life a little bit more, party more, have sex with random strangers, and then put their game face back on and commit again. My boyfriend was in a relationship for around four years with one chick who he dated on and off throughout and after high school. He told me that she broke up with him one time and said that she just wanted to have sex with different guys since he had been with others, and she wanted to "live" and felt like he was smothering her. She then had sex with quite a number of guys, went back to him a few times claiming to love and only wanting to be with him, but he ended up ending things for good two years ago. Even after, she kept trying to go back to him when they were both in relationships (to which he said no). For them, I think she wanted the best of both worlds: the love of her life, and sex with anybody she wanted. That's another reason why I don't think a break would work for us, he feels the same exact way I do, breaks just don't work and you should just break up if you want a break.
Imajerk17 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Well, the challenge with any such advice is that you are in a very nontypical situation. People usually "take a break" for reasons different from that their s/o has a sister who is involved with someone who is dangerous to her family and their associates. I take it that there's no way to get law enforcement involved here? Anyway, you need to do what is best for your physical safety and "break".
Author Lilmisus Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 Well, the challenge with any such advice is that you are in a very nontypical situation. People usually "take a break" for reasons different from that their s/o has a sister who is involved with someone who is dangerous to her family and their associates. I take it that there's no way to get law enforcement involved here? Anyway, you need to do what is best for your physical safety and "break". Actually, law enforcement is very much involved - too much so - and is constantly at his house, beating down the door demanding them to let them know where the dude is. Apparently, even though she broke up with the guy, isn't speaking to him, and is fearing for their lives from the dude, that's not enough for them to get the idea that they're not helping hide him or assisting him in any way. I want him so badly to see if they can seek protection, like a safe house, but he swears up and down that they won't help them that way. I've also asked him to go away to my father's house a few hours away (my father's gone at the moment, but would know about it), but he says he has to protect his family, and has to work. But you're right, this is a very non-typical situation, and I wish I could just google "What to do when your boyfriend's family is associating with crazies" or something along the lines to get an answer.
Eeyore79 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Yes it is criminal activity. No, he didn't do anything and he is far away from being a criminal. It doesn't matter whether he's the one who is a criminal or not. Any guy who brings this kind of drama into your life isn't worth it, even if it's not strictly his fault. An innocent guy with criminal associations that threaten your safety is just as poor a choice of partner as the actual criminal themselves. You need to have some standards regarding who you date; stop feeling sorry for other people and think about what you want and deserve in a partner. My advice is to distance yourself from the entire situation and find someone else who doesn't bring all this drama and hassle.
Author Lilmisus Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 It's always the woman who wants to take a "break" from the relationship. You're own fault if it happens, don't blame the guy because you want to take a break... which in effect means you want to break up completley. I disagree with this completely. I know plenty of guys who say "I want to take a break and live a little" and it's their girls who tell them that if they take a break, then they obviously don't want to be with them and should just breakup. Actually, I know more guys than girls who want breaks from their relationship, rather than the other way around. I have no idea who you've dated or associate with, but that was a pretty closed minded remark.
Author Lilmisus Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 It doesn't matter whether he's the one who is a criminal or not. Any guy who brings this kind of drama into your life isn't worth it, even if it's not strictly his fault. An innocent guy with criminal associations that threaten your safety is just as poor a choice of partner as the actual criminal themselves. You need to have some standards regarding who you date; stop feeling sorry for other people and think about what you want and deserve in a partner. My advice is to distance yourself from the entire situation and find someone else who doesn't bring all this drama and hassle. I understand what you're saying, and I hear you loud and clear. Plenty of people have told me this, and although I do agree, it's hard to act off of it. But you act as if I knew about this when we started seeing each other last year, and that I just didn't care. Last year, he was just some really cute coworker guy who swore up and down to me that he doesn't get involved with anything illegal - not even speeding - because he doesn't want to go to jail and wants to live the rest of his life (even though he was 21 at the time) in peace. He said he got all the rowdiness out of his system when he was in high school and grew up since then. And he was speaking the truth. Besides for one drunk fight he got in that summer, he stays away from trouble, and wants nothing to do with it, and stays away from people who are involved in that mess. This drama didn't start till last month, when I was so emotionally invested in the relationship that I didn't want to end it because of this crazy dude who was running around. The crazy dude isn't even his friend, it's his sister's gangster ex..someone he had no control of with being involved in their lives. But thank you for your advice, I do appreciate it, even if it is impossible to do at the moment - like I said, we work together. Even if we break up, I'll still see and talk to him for over half the week, and I could still get dragged down in this situation due to that fact alone.
Mrlonelyone Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I don't think people should be so down on the idea of taking a break. The thing is taking a break can give one some perspective on their relationship. Married people do this and it's called a separation...there may even be legal filings in the process. These do not always lead to divorces either. My parents were separated for three years or so about 15 years ago... they have been married for 30 years. Now some of the scenario's that have been given here ...like one guy who's GF just wanted to have sex with all kinds of other guys...that's not a break that's horse $h1t.
Recommended Posts