ayjt80 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 ok, Ive been seeing this girl for about a month now. She is really sweet but has a strong personallity. I was talking to her the other day and she said that she hates her fater even tho he died like 7 years ago and that he was extremely abusive both emotionally and physical. She said the day her father died was a relief and she never shed on tear for him. Also her older brother sexually abused her when she was a little girl. in other words her childhood was a total trainwreck. She was very promiscuous through her 20's. Also he had a string of bad relationships in fact she said that she doesnt pick men very well. she even said that many relationships in her 20s she was looking for a father figure. She quit her drinking about 5 years ago. Im so conflicted over her now because she is a wonderful person and I really like her but the flip side is if i end up in a long term with her what kind of issues will there be? I have my own share of baggage but nothing like her. She said she deals fine with them now shes 37. Has anyone had experiance with an individual like this?? what kind of underlying issues can I expect to come to the fore???
Author ayjt80 Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 I guess what im trying to determine is if she got allot of this worked out given shes a little older.
GorillaTheater Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Here's my by-the-seat-of-my-pants prediction: if you enter into a long-term relationship with her, marriage or otherwise, you will eventually become her father figure in her mind. And not long after that point she will rebel against you and punish the hell out of you as the stand-in for the father she wishes she could punish directly. And it won't matter a bit if you remotely deserve it or not. I feel badly for the abuse she has suffered, and since there are no guarantees I could be totally wrong. But you might want to research the connection between childhood abuse and off-the-rails mid-life crises in women. I know there's some stuff on the internet concerning this topic.
Woggle Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I am fully aware that this is completely hypocritical when you look at my issues with my mother but I would stay away from women with daddy issues. They grew up never seeing an example of a good man and unless they do some serious work on themselves they will make every man they get involved with pay for their father's sins.
Lilmisus Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Proceed with extreme caution. I don't blame her for not shedding a tear when her father died, I would too if I were in her situation. Speaking as someone who was sexually assaulted as a child, the pain never goes away, and the fear will be there even when they're not around. It's hard not to hate someone when they hurt and violate you on such levels, especially if that person is a family member or close to you. It causes trust issues way down the line with anybody who tries to get close to you. If she's not seeking therapy right now, then she needs to be. It sounds like she has her life way more in order than she did years ago, but it doesn't mean that she can't get out of control again any day or year. Just watch out for any red flags that you might see. If she starts screaming and cursing his name one night (even though he's dead already), if she starts verbally or physically abusing you, even if it starts out small like a little slap or "jokingly" calling you stupid over something small, if she goes back to how she was in her 20s, starts trying to rely on you more as if you were a father figure, etc. Be on the extreme lookout, but until you see any of these things, and her pain becomes more evident of something that is occurring right now as opposed to what she went through years ago, then I'd say that you shouldn't worry about it too much right now. It's very possible that she's more over the pain and has her head on straight, and you shouldn't hold her past against her, especially if you really care and like her. But if she does do any of those things, bow out of the relationship, without a second thought. But like I said, she needs therapy if she isn't getting it right now, so encourage her to go, or ask her if she's ever considered it if she brings up her past again.
betterdeal Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I disagree with other posters. What is good is that she has told you where she's at, and that gives you a chance to reflect on your relationship with her. What I advise is that you are very aware of your own boundaries and respect hers. You have to be clear and consistent in what you say and do. Trust is a big issue for many survivors, so you have to be confident in your trustworthiness. Communicate communicate communicate. I highly recommend the book "Lost in the mirror" as a guide for yourself to borderline personality disorder, and also for you partner to consider and see if she finds it rings any bells for her. It will not be easy and you will have rough times, but you can, together, develop a rich, healthy and rewarding relationship together if you work together to take power back from the abuse in your pasts. I wish you both well.
confused192 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 My mother also had a HORRIBLE childhood...too many issues to get into here but let's just say that I fully recognize how amazing it is that my mom was able to survive for 18 years in that environment. My mom once told me that as a result of her childhood circumstances, she had a very hard time trusting men for many years. She met my dad when she was 14 and they began dating. Luckily, my father is an amazing man and he told her every day how important she was to him and how much he loved her. He let her know that she could always trust him and he never broke that promise. On top of that, my mom went to therapy where she learned to forgive herself and, eventually, she learned that she had to forgive her parents if she was going to be able to move forward healthfully in her life. My parents have been married for almost 30 years and they have one of the best relationships I've ever seen. So I will just say, dating a woman who has gone through some major trials and tribulations is not a deal breaker. She will not necessarily view you as a father figure, especially if she has been able to psychologically deal with her past. My mother does not recognize her biological father as her "dad"...in fact, I've never met my grandfather. So, she had no real father figure but yet she never viewed my dad as a replacement for that. So it is possible but it takes a strong woman and a strong partner to make it work. So that's just my two cents. Good luck.
Woggle Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Some people do get over it and are able to have happy relationships but others don't. I have a relationship with my mother that is awful and while I am glad my wife stays with me I have no idea why any woman would want to put up with my issues.
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