QueenVictoria Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I did a how to ask for a divorce search yesterday on the internet. My wife found it and asked what's up. We have been married for 27 years and she has gotten heavier ever since. She is now 5' 6" and must be around 190 pounds. She is nice has a pretty face and is attractive there. I'm 6' and 193 pounds. People say I'm attractive and young looking for my age. I have worked out three times per week ever since college. I'm well built and at 53 still have a four pack, I'm working on those bottom two. LOL I try to get her to work out with me but she is always tired. We bought bikes to get exercise and after 3 or four times she doesn't want to ride anymore. She doesn't want to hike with me, bike with me, workout with me, ski with me, water ski with me or even walk around the block with me. We have an elliptical in our workout room that we've had for five years and she has maybe used it 5 times. We have had the weight problem discussion many times. Her mom, grandmother and sister are all at least 200 pounds. She says she has her genetics to fight and I'm lucky because nobody in my family is fat. I've told her she should not feel held hostage by her genetics and what she did get from her family is bad eating habits. She will buy a box of cinnamon rolls and eat most of them before they get thrown because I don't touch that stuff. Same with brownies, cookies etc. When she cooks I see her nibbling on the food, then she sits down and eats as much as I do. Then when its clean up time I catch her nibbling more. I've told her she does this and she says not that much. She has been on every diet that has ever been invented. It lasts a few days then she is back eating regular. I bought a juicer and made us different drinks and healthy shakes and she just says she needs to chew something and the juice just isn't enough. She talks to my sister in laws and has gone on diets with them because of their weight gains and then we get together with family and my wife is the only one that the diet didn't take. I've said don't they look great with the weight loss and she just says they don't have her genetics to fight. She has been to the doctor and is in perfect health. I think she is just looking for an excuse to be heavy and the doctor won't give her one. We have talked about the weight issues a lot and it ends up her telling me I'm just a little guy. I tell her that my two sisters have husbands that are heavy and have belly's and how would she like that. She just says that weight doesn't matter and they are nice guys. On the other hand my two brothers that have slender wives are *******s because they put pressure on their wives to keep slender. We have not had sex for years. I sleep on the couch. I guess maybe because I'm afraid she will try something and I will have to turn her away. When we did have sex when she was heavy, I was totally disgusted with it while she was saying, god you have a hot body and was all over me. A little more history is that we did not have sex for four years before. She told me to decided what I was going to do, so I moved out and in with a friend for a few months. It hurt her pretty bad. I told her I just did not want to live as brother and sister anymore and was tired of a sexless marriage. We stayed in contact every day. I always accepted her phone calls. My daughters called me all the time begging me to move home. I did not seek sex elsewhere. I'm a little old fashioned that way, I have to love someone in order to make love to them. After a few months she had lost about 20 pounds and I met with her and said she looked great. She said she was going to lose another 20 pounds and get down to 130 pounds. She asked if I would move home and I her and my daughters would they want me home and unhappy or away from home and happy. They said home and unhappy. After a few days I met up with her and we had sex and I moved back in. We livened things up with sex toys and such things and it was fun. Then the weight started coming back slowly but surely. The sex dried up as I was no longer interested and back to the couch I went. In my mind I wanted to stay together until my youngest daughter was out of high school and into college. At the same time my wife battled diet after diet again to no avail. My daughters are moved out now and on their own. One is married and the other has a fiancé. And here we sit again in a sexless marriage with her overweight and attempting diet after diet promising to lose the weight before this get together or that get together. It just doesn't happen. We went on a trip a week ago to a tropical island with my cousin and his slender wife. I sometimes feel embarrassed for my wife with all these other women that look great in their bathing suits and then there is her with her cover up on because she is embarrassed of her weight. So, this brings us to last night and talking about the white elephant in the room. I told her I was still attracted to her but the weight issue made me not want to have sex with her because I didn't find her body attractive. She is like one of those women on the biggest loser that says I'm tired of being the fat pretty wife. Only she doesn't say that. She just says that I'm shallow and uncaring because I won't have sex with her. I told her when she has lost some weight in the past I told her she looked good and then she feels so good about it she starts eating bad and gains the weight back. If I tell her she would look better and feel better if she lost some weight, she gets mad and gains more weight. It's like damned if I do and damned if I don't. Am I a bad person because I want my wife to eat healthy, work out and look good? She says I am. I tell her that I think that sex is the glue that holds relationships together and we don't have sex. Right now I love her like a sister and would want to be friends with her if we ever get a divorce. I know this is all over the place and if you've read this far, I appreciate it and would welcome any advise. Hi Tanner: I think you should do it with her. Make her feel sexy.
GorillaTheater Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Man, there's alot of shaming tactics being used in this thread. Since when is physical attractiveness in a marriage of little or no importance? Since when is weight no longer a major factor in physical attractiveness? Look at it from another angle: how many of you condemning the OP would be physically attracted to a spouse who decided to only brush his teeth or take a shower once a week? Should he be pissed when you no longer want to do the nasty because he's too nasty? Basic hygiene is well within your spouse's control. The fact he doesn't give a sh*t reflects badly on him, his feelings for you, and the marriage. This is the same thing. Tanner's wife can control her weight. She's demonstrated the ability to do so. Despite knowing how her husband feels about the subject, she has chosen her course. Tanner now has the right to choose his.
Author Tanner2000 Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 Hi Tanner: I think you should do it with her. Make her feel sexy. You know, I have done that in the past and yes it did make her feel better about herself but she kept her bad eating habits. She made this comment "So if I lose some weight you'll have sex with me, how about this, you have sex with me and I'll lose the weight." I gave in and the weight stayed. I'm not talking OK lets do it. I'm talking making love and me not saying OK you do your part now. I just shut up about the weight and nothing happened. She actually gained weight because she felt so good about the sex again. Like I said before, damned if I do and damned if I don't.
willowthewisp Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I'm at a loss for words! 27 years and all that matters to you is physical appearance and we aren't even talking fat as in obese here either. Would you be so shallow if she had lost a limb? Developed a disfiguring skin condition? Yeah I know you are going to argue it's her fault, she's entitled to be who she wants. A person is so much more than a body.....if you can't see that, if you can't appreciate her for loving you for nearly 3 decades, being faithful, bearing your children.....that says an awful lot about your character. Yes, physical attraction is important, yes people change, people change in personality too and what's more you see people on this board very quick to jump all over them when they are contemplating divorce rather than working to resolve the differences...yet here we are with posters telling you it's OK to divorce because her looks changed urgh. Shallow Hall rent it, watch it and learn.
Duckduckgoose Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 So if you leave your wife you are going to get with another woman, she will get older and less attractive, she will probably get saggy stretched boobs from getting pregnant, and she will probably get fat too. That is if another woman will have you because you left an otherwise good wife because you didn't like her weight. I really hate divorce but I think you should divorce your wife, she deserves far better than you, and you just need to be single because basing a marriage on just one little thing when she has been good to you for so long is very selfish and shallow. Selfish and shallow people don't have good marriages.
quankanne Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 When I ask if she wants one she just says she doesn't like the taste. like the other poster, I'm laughing. But only because I understand how our tastebuds can be conditioned. I guarantee once she gets used to the taste of fresh food, her 'buds won't be craving the processed stuff because it tastes gross salad diets – never a good thing because they're not filling. Protein and grains are the way to go. Load up on the proteins, fill in with grains and fresh foods, and the weight will start dropping. Of course, there needs to be moderate activity, too. an idea: Tanner, if you've been married that long, I'm guessing y'all have a home and a yard? Ask if she'll take over yard work for the next six weeks, or give a hand with it while you do X chore. That's a good way to kick-start her metabolism, and the hard work takes away the hunger to a point where you don't want to eat heavy, bulky foods because they just don't sit well on your tummy. also, teach her to read labels, that it's not just calorie-content she needs to be aware of, but protein and carb levels. That's helped me out immensely on little things like yogurts and frozen treats. most importantly, sit down with her and discuss y'alls future. Where does she see herself in one year? In five? In 10? And not just the marriage or the job, but her health? Do certain health problems run in her family that she can circumvent through lifestyle changes? Would she be willing to look at it from that aspect to "healthy up"? Not necessarily saying lose weight, because you can do that 'til the cows come home and not adopt a healthy lifestyle, but to incorporate things into the game plan that help her help herself well into the future? It sounds like she needs to get out of that bubble of living in the present, and focusing on serious ramifications if she doesn't start planning for her future.
2sunny Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 No, I'm not. I will be honest and say that I'm a man and do look at other women. But, no, there is nothing going on with anybody else. The bar I go to sometimes is the bar my son goes to. I'll call him in advance to let him know I'm heading there. I've asked my wife to go there with me but she says she is too tired. She has been there twice out of ten times with me in the last year that I've been there. That's a good question, I should have made that clear before. your judgement of her runs so much further than what can be fixed. your "love" has so many attachments that are designed to please YOU, not her... that is not love. let her go - so she can find a man who LOVES her for the sheer beauty of WHO she REALLY is - not based upon how GOOD she looks according to your qualifications. you need counseling to see why you are so completely shallow. can you do counseling?
Author Tanner2000 Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 I provided well for her for the last 27 years. She has not had to work ever, until recently when she wanted a job to get out of the house since the kids were gone. Yes she took care of our kids. However every single one of them will tell you that dad is more caring when we're sick or hurt or broken leg. So, I'm supposed to turn a blind eye to someone who doesn't care enough about me to want to look good for me. I'm 6 years older than her and have always said I work out so hard because I want to look good for my younger wife. Do wives not ever say they want to look good for their man? Just asking. I always felt like I had to look my best because I didn't want her eyes to wander. I've talked to our doctor about this a little. My testosterone was low and she put me on a cream. She asked how the sex life was and I told her. It was embarrassing, but I talked about it with her. The doctor knows my wife and said she does need to lose weight. I told her that my wife said there is something wrong with me that no matter what weight she is, I should want to have sex with her. The doctor said she had no right to tell me there was something wrong with me and that my wife is the the one with the weight problem. She said she talks to her at length about losing the weight herself every time she is in. She even gave her different weight loss diets. I see so many posters saying that 5' 6" and 190 pounds is not fat. A buddy of mine is 5' 6" and 160 pounds and he has a belly. Would she stay with me if I was 6' and 350 pounds and she was 5' 6" and 135? I doubt it. She would be disgusted with my fat rolls. It disgusts me thinking about myself looking like that. I have never even burped or passed gas in front of my wife because I didn't want her thinking I was gross.
willowthewisp Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I provided well for her for the last 27 years. She has not had to work ever, until recently when she wanted a job to get out of the house since the kids were gone. Yes she took care of our kids. However every single one of them will tell you that dad is more caring when we're sick or hurt or broken leg. So, I'm supposed to turn a blind eye to someone who doesn't care enough about me to want to look good for me. I'm 6 years older than her and have always said I work out so hard because I want to look good for my younger wife. Do wives not ever say they want to look good for their man? Just asking. I always felt like I had to look my best because I didn't want her eyes to wander. I've talked to our doctor about this a little. My testosterone was low and she put me on a cream. She asked how the sex life was and I told her. It was embarrassing, but I talked about it with her. The doctor knows my wife and said she does need to lose weight. I told her that my wife said there is something wrong with me that no matter what weight she is, I should want to have sex with her. The doctor said she had no right to tell me there was something wrong with me and that my wife is the the one with the weight problem. She said she talks to her at length about losing the weight herself every time she is in. She even gave her different weight loss diets. I see so many posters saying that 5' 6" and 190 pounds is not fat. A buddy of mine is 5' 6" and 160 pounds and he has a belly. Would she stay with me if I was 6' and 350 pounds and she was 5' 6" and 135? I doubt it. She would be disgusted with my fat rolls. It disgusts me thinking about myself looking like that. I have never even burped or passed gas in front of my wife because I didn't want her thinking I was gross. Then your marroage os shallow as well, you do not have true intimacy. Love is so much more than apperances. As for the doctor one of two things has happened in that case, either your doctor just committed professional misconduct in breaking her patient confidentiality by discussing your wife or I think someones nose is growing in an attempt to justify their behaviour? If you honestly don't think you are being shallow then why come on a forum to ask? No one is saying the situation is ideal or that you have to fancy her, just that there is more to a relationship than physical apperance and sex. Your relationship comes across as very shallow after such a long time, why do you think that is and what can you do to remedy it?
Duckduckgoose Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I have never even burped or passed gas in front of my wife because I didn't want her thinking I was gross. I find this VERY VERY hard to believe. A man that does not fart or belch in front of his wife? I bet you never scratched yourself either, or had bad breath?
WorldIsYours Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I do agree with everyone who says that you are definitely not helping by being mean to her, instead of motivating her. And 190 is not really fat. But I do understand where you're coming from. Me and fiance work out, but we're not pounding on each other's throats because one of us eats "junk food" for a few days. But then again spouses do need to look reasonably attractive for each other, IMO. My point is I guess you're just gonna have to make a decision about your marriage. You want to divorce her to find a woman with a nice booty and flat stomach or do you want to be more positive in your attitude about her weight and hang in there, in hopes that she'll lose some jello?
WorldIsYours Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I find this VERY VERY hard to believe. A man that does not fart or belch in front of his wife? I bet you never scratched yourself either, or had bad breath? Yea I do think he's really lying on that one. Who's he trying to kid?
BlindRage Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 (edited) I'm at a loss for words! 27 years and all that matters to you is physical appearance and we aren't even talking fat as in obese here either. Well Willowthewisp technically according to the BMI being 5'6" and 190 lbs = BMI of 31 which is in fact, obese (30.0- 34.9 = Obese). There are exceptions to this, only if the subject getting the Mass Index is an athlete, because instead of fat he/she would be muscle mass, but in OP's case his wife has just let herself go. As you have said OP this is a difficult situation since nothing you do is going to make anything better (thats what is seems like so far). This thread made me hungry hahha Edited March 18, 2011 by BlindRage
willowthewisp Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Well Willowthewisp technically according to the BMI being 5'6" and 190 lbs = BMI of 31 which is in fact, obese (30.0- 34.9 = Obese). There are exceptions to this, only if the subject getting the Mass Index is an athletic, because instead of fat he/she would be muscle mass, but in OP's case his wife has just let herself go. As you have said OP this is a difficult situation since nothing you do is going to make anything better (thats what is seems like so far). Oh Ok then, well seeing as she's technically obese why don't we all roast her on a hog roast and have done with it? Blindrage, I used the term obese to mean someone who needs a crane to lift them out of bed, not someone who at most is a UK size 18. OP someone suggested you get counselling, I think that would be a very helpful idea.
BlindRage Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 (edited) Oh Ok then, well seeing as she's technically obese why don't we all roast her on a hog roast and have done with it? Blindrage, I used the term obese to mean someone who needs a crane to lift them out of bed, not someone who at most is a UK size 18. OP someone suggested you get counselling, I think that would be a very helpful idea. Well I understand but I'm just stating what she technically is categorized at. Not in an offensive manner at all just the correct term. I used the term obese as it is suppose to be properly used nothing more, don't get mad, Willow. If you don't believe me you can research yourself. Edited March 18, 2011 by BlindRage
Author Tanner2000 Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 Yea I do think he's really lying on that one. Who's he trying to kid? I'm glad you're getting a good chuckle out of this. I have scratched myself on rare occasion in front of her and I'm sure my breath isn't good in the morning. But I swear on my mothers grave I've never passed gas or belched in front of kids, wife or friends. I was born in a hospital not a barn. As far as what the doctor said, that's also true. She has been ours and our kids doctor for many years. Saying in passing that she has discussed it with my wife is not that big a deal. You people need to lighten up. Maybe I should have said respond if you are not overweight or have an overweight wife and you are happy with it because you are either bald, ugly or need your fat wifes income to survive.
Author Tanner2000 Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 OP someone suggested you get counseling, I think that would be a very helpful idea. What's counseling going to do, talk me into thinking having sex with a 50 pounds overweight wife is great? I can't believe so many people are flaming me because I don't find my fat wife physically appealing.
yessy21 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I'm glad you're getting a good chuckle out of this. I have scratched myself on rare occasion in front of her and I'm sure my breath isn't good in the morning. But I swear on my mothers grave I've never passed gas or belched in front of kids, wife or friends. I was born in a hospital not a barn. As far as what the doctor said, that's also true. She has been ours and our kids doctor for many years. Saying in passing that she has discussed it with my wife is not that big a deal. You people need to lighten up. Maybe I should have said respond if you are not overweight or have an overweight wife and you are happy with it because you are either bald, ugly or need your fat wifes income to survive. lmao ^^^ i love that! i still think its her fault. U should want to look good for your significant other and urself.
Duckduckgoose Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Maybe I should have said respond if you are not overweight or have an overweight wife and you are happy with it because you are either bald, ugly or need your fat wifes income to survive. I am 5 foot 5 and 125 lbs. I will send you pics if you don't believe me My stbxH was 6 foot 3 and 180 lbs, lean muscle, 6 pack. Where does the overweight, bald, ugly, or golddigger come in? Not sure. Shallow comes in many forms sir. Look in the mirror and you will see what form yours takes. BTW: I was at DivorceCare last night. They had just started a new session and there were a few new faces. One of them was a man that looks like he could be a bouncer. He was there because his wife of 33 years had left him. He was shaking and sobbing and just a mess. He said she left him because she decided after 33 years she wanted to go do her own thing. You really want divorce over shallow things? Get ready cause you are going to be brought to your knees both literally and figuratively. Divorce is NOT an easy out. Its gonna **** you up the rest of your life. Its gonna do some things to your mind that may never get undone no matter how good a counselor you can get... if you even bother to get one... i forgot its not your problem its your wife's problem. You didn't marry for better or for worse or anything like that. You married for skinny and for hot. Sure get that divorce and then go move into the Playboy mansion you can have all the skinny and hot you want. Flush that 20-something years down the drain.
Author Tanner2000 Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 (edited) Well Duck why do you stay in shape? Why do you not over eat? Why haven't you let yourself go? Did you not want to to look good for your X? Is it maybe because staying in shape and looking good helps attract the opposite sex? I once heard that if a man strays it's not his fault, it's his wifes fault for not keeping him interested at home. I'm not saying I strayed, but I can see both sides of this where the man should do his part in keeping things interesting at home and staying in good shape for his spouse as well. Edited March 18, 2011 by Tanner2000
She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Tanner, someone forgot sensitivity training somewhere along the line my friend. . . I totally get your current position. Your wife gets it too. She knows that you are not attracted to her in her current physical state. However, the way you are going about things she'll never change in a way (the two of) you would truly benefit from. As stated earlier in the thread she has to want it for herself, not for you. Other great advice, listed just above, is the cold hard reality that divorce is a life changing decision. It changes the lives of many. You, your wife, your kids, etc. I can assure you that your motivation for divorce is not an appropriate one. The subsequent karma that will come back and bite you in the a$$ will not allow you to lead to the life of happiness (with a thin wife) as you may envision. If you want to make a change in your marriage worth making, one that may actually lead to improving your life in the long term, work on yourself. Work on changing your point of view, your lens with which you view the outside world. Currently, the way you view things are truly distorted. I speak from personal experience when I tell you to pick up these books, it will change your outlook without a doubt. Even if you pursue a divorce, you will do so with a clear heart and head. Both titles are by Michelle Wiener-Davis. The first one is "The Sex Starved Marriage," and the second title is "Divorce Remedy." I feel like my final statement is almost a waste of keystrokes in your current state, but I will say it because I believe it wholeheartedly: Both you and your wife deserve intimacy and some form of marital sexual relationship, regardless of her current body shape. The lack of this is definitely at the root of your current marital issues. Good Luck!
trippi1432 Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 I once heard that if a man strays it's not his fault, it's his wifes fault for not keeping him interested at home. Wow...I hope your wife knows how lucky she is to have you, you are definitely a "keeper". :rolleyes: http://news.health.com/2009/03/05/marriage-hurt-health-woman/
2sunny Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Well Duck why do you stay in shape? Why do you not over eat? Why haven't you let yourself go? Did you not want to to look good for your X? Is it maybe because staying in shape and looking good helps attract the opposite sex? I once heard that if a man strays it's not his fault, it's his wifes fault for not keeping him interested at home. I'm not saying I strayed, but I can see both sides of this where the man should do his part in keeping things interesting at home and staying in good shape for his spouse as well. in answer to your question: yes - you give evidence of being shallow and uncaring. from what you have stated - it appears you were taught to focus on the wrong aspect of a woman's beauty when you love her. not once am i seeing in your writing style that you appreciate and LOVE your wife for WHO she is. fyi - normally - when someone asks a question such as this - they already know the answer. i actually feel really sorry for your wife... she deserves do much more from the man she married. did you tell her you were this superficial and lacked such intimacy before you married her?
dreamingoftigers Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Well Duck why do you stay in shape? Why do you not over eat? Why haven't you let yourself go? Did you not want to to look good for your X? Is it maybe because staying in shape and looking good helps attract the opposite sex? I once heard that if a man strays it's not his fault, it's his wifes fault for not keeping him interested at home. I'm not saying I strayed, but I can see both sides of this where the man should do his part in keeping things interesting at home and staying in good shape for his spouse as well. Really, is that why my husband turned into a porn-addict that has to go to McDonald's with his laptop? The 4X a week bjs I was willing to offer etc. were just not cutting it anymore, my fault eh? So men have no control over their penises whatsoever? We pull the strings with our perfect figures? I wonder what Elin Nordegren did that wasn't entertaining enough, or Sandra Bullock. Oh master of all things sexual, please tell us what magical ways we must learn to get the Thrust of your Horn to come home! Maybe you should grow up, set a reasonable bottom line. And tell her why you have your (yes I am going to say it because I am not married to your dumb ass) stupid life context. You really should let her know that her weight is giving you the message that she doesn't love you enough to keep herself in shape. And then you can examine why you view her weight as a personal rejection. No surprise you have other family members with your attitude, it came from somewhere. Figure out why it is rejecting to you.
Duckduckgoose Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Well Duck why do you stay in shape? Why do you not over eat? Why haven't you let yourself go? Did you not want to to look good for your X? Is it maybe because staying in shape and looking good helps attract the opposite sex? I stay in shape for myself. I live in one of the most unhealthy states in the USA and seeing people with heart attacks, strokes, high blood pressure, smoking, knee problems, cancers, etc all from not taking care of themselves puts me off. So while I am not turned on by someone who is (specifically) skinny, I am attracted to someone who takes care of themselves. If they have a few extra pounds so be it. Taking care of themselves is far more important to me in a mate then some jelly belly. And staying in shape may not attract the opposite sex... different men are attracted to different things. If a man wants a curvy woman he's not going to be looking at me. There is also far more in selecting a mate than looks.
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