Tanner2000 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I did a how to ask for a divorce search yesterday on the internet. My wife found it and asked what's up. We have been married for 27 years and she has gotten heavier ever since. She is now 5' 6" and must be around 190 pounds. She is nice has a pretty face and is attractive there. I'm 6' and 193 pounds. People say I'm attractive and young looking for my age. I have worked out three times per week ever since college. I'm well built and at 53 still have a four pack, I'm working on those bottom two. LOL I try to get her to work out with me but she is always tired. We bought bikes to get exercise and after 3 or four times she doesn't want to ride anymore. She doesn't want to hike with me, bike with me, workout with me, ski with me, water ski with me or even walk around the block with me. We have an elliptical in our workout room that we've had for five years and she has maybe used it 5 times. We have had the weight problem discussion many times. Her mom, grandmother and sister are all at least 200 pounds. She says she has her genetics to fight and I'm lucky because nobody in my family is fat. I've told her she should not feel held hostage by her genetics and what she did get from her family is bad eating habits. She will buy a box of cinnamon rolls and eat most of them before they get thrown because I don't touch that stuff. Same with brownies, cookies etc. When she cooks I see her nibbling on the food, then she sits down and eats as much as I do. Then when its clean up time I catch her nibbling more. I've told her she does this and she says not that much. She has been on every diet that has ever been invented. It lasts a few days then she is back eating regular. I bought a juicer and made us different drinks and healthy shakes and she just says she needs to chew something and the juice just isn't enough. She talks to my sister in laws and has gone on diets with them because of their weight gains and then we get together with family and my wife is the only one that the diet didn't take. I've said don't they look great with the weight loss and she just says they don't have her genetics to fight. She has been to the doctor and is in perfect health. I think she is just looking for an excuse to be heavy and the doctor won't give her one. We have talked about the weight issues a lot and it ends up her telling me I'm just a little guy. I tell her that my two sisters have husbands that are heavy and have belly's and how would she like that. She just says that weight doesn't matter and they are nice guys. On the other hand my two brothers that have slender wives are *******s because they put pressure on their wives to keep slender. We have not had sex for years. I sleep on the couch. I guess maybe because I'm afraid she will try something and I will have to turn her away. When we did have sex when she was heavy, I was totally disgusted with it while she was saying, god you have a hot body and was all over me. A little more history is that we did not have sex for four years before. She told me to decided what I was going to do, so I moved out and in with a friend for a few months. It hurt her pretty bad. I told her I just did not want to live as brother and sister anymore and was tired of a sexless marriage. We stayed in contact every day. I always accepted her phone calls. My daughters called me all the time begging me to move home. I did not seek sex elsewhere. I'm a little old fashioned that way, I have to love someone in order to make love to them. After a few months she had lost about 20 pounds and I met with her and said she looked great. She said she was going to lose another 20 pounds and get down to 130 pounds. She asked if I would move home and I her and my daughters would they want me home and unhappy or away from home and happy. They said home and unhappy. After a few days I met up with her and we had sex and I moved back in. We livened things up with sex toys and such things and it was fun. Then the weight started coming back slowly but surely. The sex dried up as I was no longer interested and back to the couch I went. In my mind I wanted to stay together until my youngest daughter was out of high school and into college. At the same time my wife battled diet after diet again to no avail. My daughters are moved out now and on their own. One is married and the other has a fiancé. And here we sit again in a sexless marriage with her overweight and attempting diet after diet promising to lose the weight before this get together or that get together. It just doesn't happen. We went on a trip a week ago to a tropical island with my cousin and his slender wife. I sometimes feel embarrassed for my wife with all these other women that look great in their bathing suits and then there is her with her cover up on because she is embarrassed of her weight. So, this brings us to last night and talking about the white elephant in the room. I told her I was still attracted to her but the weight issue made me not want to have sex with her because I didn't find her body attractive. She is like one of those women on the biggest loser that says I'm tired of being the fat pretty wife. Only she doesn't say that. She just says that I'm shallow and uncaring because I won't have sex with her. I told her when she has lost some weight in the past I told her she looked good and then she feels so good about it she starts eating bad and gains the weight back. If I tell her she would look better and feel better if she lost some weight, she gets mad and gains more weight. It's like damned if I do and damned if I don't. Am I a bad person because I want my wife to eat healthy, work out and look good? She says I am. I tell her that I think that sex is the glue that holds relationships together and we don't have sex. Right now I love her like a sister and would want to be friends with her if we ever get a divorce. I know this is all over the place and if you've read this far, I appreciate it and would welcome any advise.
Nutmeg617 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Here's my advice: leave your wife and put her out of her misery. Set her free to find someone who will accept her for who she is, no matter what size she is. You, sir, are not good enough for her. Seems like in your attempts to try to "help" her feel good you have only made her miserable. The reason her diets never worked are because she wasn't on them for herself, she was on them trying to make you happy and it didn't work. All it got her was a repeated battering to her self esteem and a husband who has neglected her for years because of his shallow ideals. And your comment about The Biggest Loser? At 5'6" and 190 pounds she wouldn't even qualify to be on the show because she's too SKINNY! I wish I could take your wife out to lunch - for a big greasy cheeseburger and some French fries!
PinkInTheLimo Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I understand how you feel but I am afraid that your wife simply does not want to lose weight... Unless you would leave her again because she will then realise you are serious about this. Then she will lose weight and when you'll be back, she will let herself go again. This does not make sense. She has to want to do this for herself and you can't really influence that. I think leaving her is the best option. She is who she is and although losing weight would probably be really good for her, apparently she is not motivated enough.
wheretofromhere Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 shallow and uncaring is an understatement. You are the reason your wife is overweight, at 5'6 and 190 i don't call that fat. AND you are the reason for her being unhappy. You need to back off and give her support in other areas if you can, or like the last post -- leave her and put her out of her misery. sheesh!
Lions89 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 So many things here. First, I'm in a practically sexless marriage, so I get that part. It's part of what I'm struggling with right now. Second, she has to want to lose weight for herself. Nothing else will work, especially not a husband hounding her. Maybe she is in fact comfortable with where she is. That's her decision, not yours. Third, while ideally it shouldn't matter what she looks like, physical attraction of course matters, especially when it comes to the most physical of activities. If she disgusts you, you can't change that. That doesn't make you shallow any more than it makes "chubby chasers" shallow to prefer overweight partners. That goes for everything. I don't like facial hair on my partner. I don't think that makes me shallow, either. BTW, your brothers are a**holes. Putting pressure on their wives to stay slender? What a crock. It might have worked out for them, but I still think that's bs. I was overweight when we got married, and gained more afterwards. I finally decided for myself to lose weight. My husband loved me no matter what, and never once pressured me to do anything. I joined Weight Watchers, hit my stride, and lost weight. I kept it off for a long time, and have now been fighting a few pounds I've put back on, because I've found myself emotionally eating (and drinking). But this has been all about me and what I wanted for myself. Weight issues are just that. Honestly, maybe a therapist can help her identify the issues causing her to eat that way? But she has to want that for herself. If she doesn't really think she has a problem, and is content with the way things are, that's just a waste. Did she used to enjoy doing those physical activities with you that you mentioned (hiking, biking, etc.)? Or are these things you've always done without her? Or new activities for you, too? Trying to see if this is a change from the past. That's all I have right now.
Author Tanner2000 Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 I'm not sure how I could cause her to be overweight. I've gone years with saying anything about her weight. She has told her sister for years that he doesn't pressure me to lose the weight. I've heard her tell her sister that. In those years I've tried to get her to exercise with me. Not saying you have to lose weight lets do this. It was always hey lets go for a bike ride, it's a great day. I've heard her say many times, that she doesn't like to sweat. Finally I decide to say something and I'm a bad guy. I didn't mean she belongs on the biggest loser. But I hear those women saying they are tired of being the fat pretty girl. Her doctor even told her that she would like to see her lose 40 pounds. She has always said she was dieting for herself because she knows she will be healthier not carrying the extra weight. I've never heard her say she is doing it for me.
yessy21 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I think that u did a great job by asking her to do activities with u and letting her know that her weight was the only issue. She apparently doesnt love herself enough to loose it. when i gave birth i gained 80 pounds. (I was sad because i realized that i could have done better than him) after i had the baby.... i just started excercising and lost almost all the weight. i try to eat as healthy as i can and dont eat at night. Tell her that honestly... you dont want to be with someone overweight that its just not your type of woman. it hurts but its the honest truth. that until she figures out how shes going to take care of her body and her eating habits that you will just simply not be with her. she can do it ... she just doesnt want to. shes giving u excuses and putting it off. genetics is not an excuse. eating junk food and nibbling on food and eating huge plates is not healthy............... as a matter of fact... u know what... why dont u put a camera around that can catch her eating all the time and then show it to her. she will realize theres something wrong.
Author Tanner2000 Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 Every once in a great while she would bike with me. Not me pressuring her at all, just a nice bike ride. Like I said I went years without saying anything about her weight. She has been on Weight Watchers twice without any luck. I've never hounded her about losing weight, just the occasional comment like would you like to join me in the work out room. The response is, what, are you saying I'm fat, I know I'm fat, I'll work out when I want to. Maybe my curse is I just never learned how to be tactful, I thought I was, however reading some of these posts maybe I need to bury my feelings and just accept my wife at whatever weight she is. Am I the only guy out there that would like a wife that wants to stay in shape like I do? I didn't realize an innocent comment here or there could inflame people so much. Maybe the people that get inflamed talking about over weight people, are people that need to lose some weight themselves.
quankanne Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I'm not sure how I could cause her to be overweight. I've gone years with saying anything about her weight. trust me, you don't have to say a word – your attitude about her fat gets the message across loud and clear. If you don't want to screw a fat chick, leave the relationship. Because as another poster points out, your wife is content to be fat unless she feels she's losing you. Better to just end the marriage, find your ideal lover and let her go her own way. Because convincing yourself that you're married to your sister isn't any kind of way to live – she deserves better, and so do you. as a heavy woman, I've heard the arguments about needing to be healthy, but I just ignored it because I figure it's my life to play with. Then it hit me that both my parents died of diabetes complications and I was on a dual-insulin regimen that wasn't really working because I was so lackadaisical toward my health. I'm still working on the weight and the mindset, but I'm off one insulin and slowly adjusting downward with the other. See what I'm saying? It took a big kick in the *ss like "bad diabetes ending" for me to straighten up my mindset. if you want to remain married to her, help her out even more – she sounds like me in that sweets are her downfall, and it's so easy to just switch out the sugary-based foods now that it's fresh fruit season. Believe me, once you've got her hooked on natural sugar, the processed stuff tastes like crap and your body will reject it because it wants the pure stuff. But don't push stuff on her, just give her tastier options
2sure Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I dont think that telling your spose of 27 years that you are not sexually attracted to her because of her weight is going to be a good motivator...for anything. In fact, it seems like the opposite would happen. She would simultaneously feel bad about how she looks and also maybe feel like: F you. Maybe a more productuve approach would be: I know you arent thrilled about your weight gain and I want you to be healthy. Lets take a look at weight watchers and see what we can do to make things better all around.
2sure Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 On the other hand - if youve had enough - cut her loose. Just know that a month after the ink is dry on the divorce papers she will have lost 50 pounds and be enjoying her health and new body.
Author Tanner2000 Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 Congratulations on getting off the diabetes medicine. I know the best weight loss happens slowly and surely. You're right about the fruits and we have lots around as I love fruit. I make a fruit and protein shake every morning. When I ask if she wants one she just says she doesn't like the taste.
BlindRage Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 The Best of Us can Find Happiness Through Misery. If you happen to read this comment Yessy21, could you elaborate on your quote more? What does it mean to you? The way I see it is certainly the politically incorrect way. Thanks. Also to Tanner, how are you? lol well I already know . Let me tell you what I think about weight issues in general. 1. (as many posters have pointed out) if a person wants to lose weight they do have to do it for themselves. You can't force someone into it or they will resent it and most likely the outcome won't be what you expected. 2. just because they know they're overweight doesn't mean they aren't comfortable within their bodies. 3. Weight I don't believe has ANYTHING to do with genetics, its just excess energy stored in the body. To answer your question.. No you are not a bad person because of what you find and don't find attractive. You got with your wife when she was slender (which attracted you) then she changed. This is hard really just what to do when nothing you do is right. Throw away all the cookies and brownies and junk food she brings into the house. Get rid of sodas etc etc. Prohibit them in your house and maybe YOU should start cooking meals instead of leaving it up to her. Tell her I want to cook something special for both of us and go online and search for a lean healthy recipe you can whip-up. Oh and remember to delete your history. Don't be a spectator in this, be a main player, if you want to be married with your wife and love her its worth a chance.
Author Tanner2000 Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 Just know that a month after the ink is dry on the divorce papers she will have lost 50 pounds and be enjoying her health and new body. That's just it, why do some women work so hard lose the weight to get their man, then gain weight after they got him? I'm just trying to understand where I went wrong and maybe I can correct this. I'm not without fault and am always trying to learn.
BlindRage Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 When I ask if she wants one she just says she doesn't like the taste. I don't know why but this made me laugh. Sorry ...
2sunny Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 since you didn't specifically ask a question - i will ask you one... are you emotionally or physically or mentally attracted/connected to someone else besides your wife? please answer honestly.
wheretofromhere Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Thinking you may want to take a look at this thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t269268/ did your wife ever want to work out with you, did she ever cheerfully go for a bike ride, has she always been a little on the heavy side? you said you were in your 50's has she been through menopause? Really what exactly do you want from your wife? for her to change to suite you -- what about you changing to suite her. She is woman, that is not very happy, and i hate to keep busting your balls, but I really feel very strongly that if we knew the whole story we would find you had a lot to do with her unhappiness.
Author Tanner2000 Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 Yeah, I went out a purchased one of those Vita-Mix blenders to make us soup. I made the tortilla soup. I thought it was good. She felt it needed more tortilla chips so she took another handful of chips and put them in her bowl. She doesn't cook much and will bring home a chicken from the store and some potatoes sometimes. I'll grill chicken for us and steak sometimes. I'll whip up some tuna for a tuna sandwich and soup for us as well. I've made low cal ice cream with that Vita mix blender. She really likes that. So, yeah, I do help with cooking and will make some low cal dinners for us. She works out of the home and eats dinners out with co workers almost every day. She says she only has a salad most days and cant figure out why she isn't losing the weight. That's her comment, not mine.
xxoo Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I vote shallow. And the way you talk about other men's "slender wives"....as if a wife is just a body, or a trophy....is . Are those wives good women like your wife? Would they love you for 27 years, and be a good mother to your children? She deserves better. Divorce her.
2sunny Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 since you didn't specifically ask a question - i will ask you one... are you emotionally or physically or mentally attracted/connected to someone else besides your wife? please answer honestly. please answer this question instead of deflecting to talk of food... yep, i noticed.
Author Tanner2000 Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 since you didn't specifically ask a question - i will ask you one... are you emotionally or physically or mentally attracted/connected to someone else besides your wife? please answer honestly. No, I'm not. I will be honest and say that I'm a man and do look at other women. But, no, there is nothing going on with anybody else. The bar I go to sometimes is the bar my son goes to. I'll call him in advance to let him know I'm heading there. I've asked my wife to go there with me but she says she is too tired. She has been there twice out of ten times with me in the last year that I've been there. That's a good question, I should have made that clear before.
yessy21 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 If you happen to read this comment Yessy21, could you elaborate on your quote more? What does it mean to you? The way I see it is certainly the politically incorrect way. Thanks. throughout the miserable moments in life is when you find out what makes u happy inside. the best of us can find happiness through misery. There is no right or wrong in it.
BlindRage Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 If you happen to read this comment Yessy21, could you elaborate on your quote more? What does it mean to you? The way I see it is certainly the politically incorrect way. Thanks. throughout the miserable moments in life is when you find out what makes u happy inside. the best of us can find happiness through misery. There is no right or wrong in it. Thank you yet again. I saw it a completely different way actually.
Author Tanner2000 Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 I vote shallow. And the way you talk about other men's "slender wives"....as if a wife is just a body, or a trophy....is . Are those wives good women like your wife? Would they love you for 27 years, and be a good mother to your children? She deserves better. Divorce her. My brothers and cousin have very nice wives and are not trophy's. They just want to look good for their man. The weight loss stuck with them and those guys are proud of them. I'm proud of my wife and have said it many times. She has done very well with her work. When she loses some weight I tell her she looks good but it seems to always come back. I asked her last night if there was anything she would want me to change and she said no, that I was a good man, great father, provider and caring person. I'm kind of a germaphobe and borderline obsessive compulsive. She just laughs at that stuff and thinks it's funny. I play it up sometimes just to get her to laugh at my antics.
Author Tanner2000 Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 Yes, I agree, she probably does deserve better than me.
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