Nocturnal Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Hey, figured I would write off some thoughts I have regarding my current situation. Because quite frankly, I don't know what to make of it anymore. I've been together with my current girlfriend for over 3 years now, and it's been rocky (without that eye of the tiger moment, really). In the beginning she was overly jealous and would be complaining if we didn't see each other at least every other day. She would make up plans for us to do just to keep me from "having a day off" so to speak because she feared I wouldn't choose to spend it with her. This escalated to the breaking point when I decided we needed a break, because I felt trapped and exhausted. Once the break was over, things calmed down. She was a bit more relaxed in the relationship and I found more time to myself (note: I am one of those people that sometimes need excessive alone time to recharge). It got the point where we decided to move in together (again). We found an awesome apartment that gave me my own hobby room that I could shut myself in whenever I needed the space. Things were looking good, aside from perhaps my low libido that didn't necessarily want much sex. Days, weeks, months passed, some quick jabs at problems we might have arrived but no real discussion. At some point, between enjoying a new apartment and the calm sea of the relationship at the time, something was lost. I am not sure what, but something got away. We had become roommates. Not lovers or a romantic couple. And everything drastically picked up speed. For the last 2 months, but this last week in particular, something has been brewing within. I heard an old song that I had not listened to in a while and it was as if it unlocked something hidden within me. After that, I don't know what to do. If we're in the car and she's talking about her day, I sometimes honestly feel like driving the car off the road or jump out of the car in motion, because I am so utterly bored with the words spewing from her mouth. It's not that I have something against her personally, it's just.. repetitive. It's the same motions day in and day out. And what's worse is, I never saw how all this calm sea time has just been me walking into a cage I didn't see. I'm 27, and I feel trapped in a relationship that's heading in a direction I'm not sure I want to go. And the breaks are broken and I can see the faces of my friends and my hobbies outside the window but there's not enough time for it as the car keeps speeding down the highway. Ever since my realization of how I live my life currently, I've been stressed like hell. I've gotten stomach cramps from the thought. Again, I want to point out that my girlfriend is an overall very nice person, she means well and she wants to have a meaningful relationship with me, even build a family perhaps. But I've realized I'm not the man for the job, but convincing her of that is the tricky part. I've always seen myself as the guy who can take a confrontation and be honest and upright. But in intimate relationships, I become as insecure I'll ever be. I compromise to avoid arguments, even if the compromises are not good for me. Simply put, I lack the power to stay up for myself because if I'm being nagged on or bothered with stuff too much, my energy reserves are killed and I'll do just about anything to keep it quiet. It's pathetic, really, because I can go around dreaming about how my life looked like 3 years ago when all my concerns were me, myself and I. I miss heading home from work on a friday and plan an evening for myself. I miss doing stuff without having to keep someone else up to date on where I am at any given time. I actually miss my cellphone being somewhat quiet for extended periods of time, especially when I am hanging out with a friend. But, I'm living with a second mom, pretty much. Who is actually more strict than my real mom. I don't know why I allow this to continue. Nor do I know why I think a somewhat average relationship feels like a prison to me. Maybe I'm just crazy and I shouldn't put myself in these things. Yet, the thought of ending it with her seems just as drastic and horrible. Maybe because the 'drama' between me uttering the words and being alone eventually in some other apartment feels like a huge chore. Not the alone part, just moving and having to deal with her being horribly saddened by my egoistical life choices. I'm truly not a nice person, well.. maybe in some ways, but in general I am self-absorbed and lack a lot of empathy. Basically, I think this rambling comes down to this; I feel trapped in a relationship that potentially isn't as 'closed off' as my head will want to make me believe, but that doesn't negate the fact that I still feel like hell some days just waking up in the morning realizing I still have to deal with another day as someone's significant other. She also has horrible morning breath. How do people do these things.. relationships I mean? I've never really been good at them. But maybe I haven't met the one person who I actually want to make some compromises for. She said I need someone a bit more like myself, and perhaps she's right. I could use someone who don't necessarily want to see me or talk to me on an hourly-ish basis, who can hold a conversation without me having to explain common knowledge stuff or words. I'm so utterly exhausted. So much so that breaking up seems almost more exhausting than just giving in and becoming a monotone shell of a human being that just do what I've been told. Honestly, tell me, am I crazy or should I muster up the energy to get out? Granted, this whole novel is probably colored by my current state of mind. Because as I said, she's a very lovely person in many ways. Just.. our shapes don't always match each other's boxes and that is slowly driving me crazy.
2sure Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 No you arent crazy and yes, you have to man up / be a gentleman and end this. You say she is a lovely person and she probably is. You dont love her but you at least are very fond of her - you owe it to her maybe more than yourself - to tell her this is not working and is not going to. You dont have to tell her that she is boring or that she has bad breath. But you do have to tell her that although you know it is shocking and painful to her ...that you are done. And that you are not going to change your mind. Period. The best way to get to the end will be to remove yourself from the apartment immediately. Tell her you will share the rent until the end of the lease if need be (if she has no where else to go) and stay at your mothers, find a new place...whatever. But you have to LEAVE after you have the conversation. Because face it...you do not yet have the juice to not back down again. She will be upset and angry and you will be yet again convinced to try again. Thats YOUR issue. Do not make it hers simply because you are so far unable to cope with this. And its ok. But you have to do the right thing even when it is difficult. Especially when it so much effects someone Else's life. Being decent is not always seen as the equivalent of kind. After all that you are going to have to do some really deep digging and self reflection and find out : Why you are unhappy and why you expect someone else to make you so.
Author Nocturnal Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 Thank you for your thougts. This relationship has taught me a lot about myself and what I am capable of and not. I've also realized lately that you have to 'man up' to ones own less flattering sides and treat them honestly, to others and yourself. But I just hate my obvious aversion to change, my inhability to just say "enough, life is too short". Problems don't fix themselves. I should know that. Moving out quickly will be hard, especially on a practical level. I suppose I could just crash at my mom's, but most of my stuff just would have to stay back until I cab find a new place wich currently looks sparse. No real storage places around here. Yeah, I know, excuses.
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