acrossthemiles1 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 (edited) First of all, I apologize for the length and probably unnecessary level of detail here. I thank you in advance for reading through all this. I am 28 years old. I spent three years in a pretty disastrous relationship with my ex, during which time we lived abroad. I broke up with him and ended up moving back to the States last August, where I have been (generally) having the time of my life as a newly-single twentysomething. I have had a number of fun flings and one semi-serious "relationship" which lasted a month, but nothing committed or long term. On a whim (and at the suggestion of several friends, but mainly as a late-night timewaster when I was bored one weeknight) I signed up for a popular dating site in late December. Within a few days I'd had a message from a guy in NYC (where I went to college and where most of my friends/social circles still are). Being overwhelmingly skeptical of the whole Internet dating scene, I let him strike up a conversation with me for the hell of it...but actually ended up really hitting it off with him. Turns out we have strikingly similar tastes in music, humor (offbeat and slightly geeky) and even work in the same niche industry. We had a great, hilarious and thought-provoking conversation that went on for hours, at the end of which he told me he was "deadly interested in meeting me" and we discussed the possibility of meeting up at a New Year's party at his place (this was a few days before December 31st). Again, this was still all very non-serious. So, the day of the party comes, and we meet - although, since he's hosting the party, we actually don't get much time to sit and hang out until the next day. But there was a tremendous initial attraction - as well as the interest that had already built up during our few prior conversations - and uh, well we ended up having celebratory New Year's sex, lol. It wasn't something that had been at all expected, but it was very natural and very, very enjoyable. I stayed over at his place all of January 1st and stayed a second night. That first day basically blew both our minds. There was SUCH a strong, intuitive connection between the two of us - physically, sexually, the chemistry was amazing. We spent all day lounging on the couch and laughing at bad movies as if we'd known each other for years. Intellectually, we also found we were an even match. But there was just so much...intuitive affection. It was really astounding and we both found ourselves a little taken aback. I left on the 2nd, as I live in Philadelphia, where my job is located, during the week. We saw each other the very next weekend, of course, and the connection only deepened. Same again the weekend after that. As a bit of background, we are both coming out of failed long-term relationships, both of which ended at relatively the same time (his divorce was finalized last summer and I left the ex last summer as well). A day or two after that first weekend we had a discussion where we laid down some basic "expectations" and ground "rules," the main one of which was that we would maintain complete honesty and openness with each other, and that we would try to let things just play out naturally with no preconceived notions or anticipations. That in standard "dating" situations there are a lot of unreasonable, unspoken expectations and we liked the fact that our encounters seemed to bypass a lot of that, making it feel very relaxed and comfortable to us. By our fourth weekend, things were actually getting quite serious. This culminated in a series of IMs, emails and text messages exchanged during that following week, the final one of which had him telling me that "if we were closer [geographically] he would spend more time with me, and he could very easily see himself falling in love." He then admitted how foolish that sounded considering the very short amount of time we'd known each other, but that his feelings were his feelings. I'll admit, I was pretty swept away by it all, though I played my hand close to my chest. He seemed so genuine, and I was certainly quickly developing feelings for him as well. I was aware, objectively, of the need to remain sane and logical about things, but it was also very difficult to downplay to myself my attraction and affection for him. The weekend following these comments was essentially the culmination of this whole whirlwind. Things were very starry-eyed and he talked about going on a trip somewhere with me, traveling together, me possibly visiting him abroad when he was teaching there in August (yes, several months down the line). I was totally on the same page with him although I was not falling at his feet or anything like that. Just "yeah, that sounds like a great idea." Because it did. Then the next week I get an email basically saying he has been grappling with the trajectory of the relationship and he suggested we have another "check in" to see where we were both at in the whole thing. He admitted it had been a whirlwind and that at one point he had felt himself being capable of falling in love with me. Then, he said, he felt "foolish for that assessment" (I was not entirely sure why) and withdrew himself a bit, "like a pussy." He claimed that he's "not good with the casual thing - he either needs to be in it fully, or it has to be very transient." In other words, the distance was becoming an issue and he was feeling more and more distanced from me in our times apart, which consequently affected his feelings in the times we were together. Around this time, he deleted his online dating profile. We went back and forth for a while, trying to establish some definitions. We toyed with the idea of an "open" relationship for a bit before it became apparent that neither of us were really comfortable with that. We briefly discussed a traditional exclusive relationship but it seemed as though that felt premature and/or forced. We had one more weekend together after that, before he left on a work-related trip to the west coast. We didn't see each other for the next three weekends while he was away. During that time, contact was friendly, affectionate, but minimal. Then when he returned, we made plans to be together that weekend, but prior to this had another fairly long discussion about our status. In this one, it was clear he was withdrawing. "Intellectually, humor and personality-wise, I feel we click," he said (I agree) but that it was difficult for him to maintain that feeling of a connection while we were apart, and difficult for him to feel in limbo. Then he busted out with the dreaded, "I feel more like your friend than your lover." This was exceedingly odd to me, since so much of our relationship had been sexual (TMI lol, but we did it four times in 24 hours once) and consistently - and mutually - satisfying. I am also in excellent shape and consider myself on the high end of the attractiveness scale (as a possibly irrelevant aside). He admitted to overthinking and overanalyzing things and expressed a lot of anxiety over whether he was wasting my time by vacillating like this. He pondered that it seemed like pushing the idea of a relationship did not make sense to him at this current juncture. And that now he felt guilty for initiating that discussion in the first place. He then said he wanted to try and "step back from all this" and just spend time with me that weekend. So we did. He still expressed strong physical attraction to me and and in certain senses the same levels of affection and intensity were present. But there was definitely a vague sense of distance, and for the first time, we did not have sex. (And not for a lack of desire on my part - which was very, very frustrating.) Okay. And so here I am. Obviously, nothing conclusive has happened yet, and it seems as though we will likely continue to see each other...but I feel I need to start preparing myself. So how do I let go? How do I let go of the butterflies (which I fully acknowledge are only ever ephemeral, but still so powerful)? How do I let go of the (admittedly naive) hope that this might actually "be something"? How do I stop myself from wanting to spend every spare minute around him, next to him? How do I get rid of the feeling of intense affectionate closeness I have towards him even as he is seemingly working to distance himself from me? I am working really hard (and mostly succeeding, I think) on not making this all about me. On not taking it personally. I don't feel like this is tied in any way to my self-esteem, or the idea that I'm being rejected - although it might sting a little. And it doesn't seem to be just the overwhelming desire to be with someone, anyone. There are two other guys at the moment, both of whom I like very much, both of whom are quite attractive and highly intelligent, and both of whom express romantic interest in me...but I just cannot get excited about the idea of pursuing anything with either of them. No. It mainly comes down to the fact that I just really, really like THIS GUY, and I just don't feel ready for it to end yet even if that's the inevitable result of all this. I really wanted to pursue a relationship with him. I thought that it could be really good. I'm not ready to give up my lazy Sunday mornings in bed with him. I'm not ready to give up the amazing sex. I'm not ready to be relegated to "just friends" status. This is the first time in God knows how many years that I have felt those butterflies...and I just don't want to let them go. Not yet. Tell me how? Edited March 17, 2011 by acrossthemiles1
Von Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I wish I knew the answer for you, as I'm going through a similar situation as you, which I plan on posting about for advice as well, but I will say I can't stand when people back off, put you on the back burner, and then fade away like it's not going to hurt you. It's the same old story, people can't be direct with their actions or feelings. It's total BS. When I break up or end things with someone I've always told them why because I can't hold back my thoughts. I hope whatever happens that you'll be ok.
waynesworld Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 It's the distance, not either of you. But you already know that. Distance can be the death knell to established relationships (trust me, I know), so your fledgling relationship was disadvantaged from the get-go. As for getting over it, you will. You seem to have your sh*t together, so time and an occasional vent are all you need.
Author acrossthemiles1 Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 Well, it's not as though he's not been direct or communicative. We have been pretty successful with our policy on openness and honesty. It's just that he is open and honest...about the fact that he has no clue what he feels or thinks about the situation, lol. Which is honest but somewhat unhelpful, haha. It has been a bit of a balancing game really. With the distance issue, and the fact that we both have pretty packed schedules, it's made it difficult to remain relaxed about things while at the same time "giving you enough time and having enough of it as I want" (his words) without being structured or rigid about things. I guess I just feel a profound sense of disappointment. At the idea that things may not turn out the way I want them to, and in the fact that I genuinely did not peg him as the type of guy to overanalyze a situation into an impasse such as this. I'm just...disappointed.
confused192 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I have been in a situation similar to this as well. I don't really have any tried-and-true method for you but I understand how out of control you probably feel in this situation. When you make such a strong connection with another person, it is so hard to come to terms with the fact that it may not work out. The man in my life was unlike any person I have ever met, unlike any person that most people have ever met...he was amazing (and he still is!) Nobody will ever be able to make me feel the way he made me feel. And when things didn't work out with us due to perceived potential issues with our age difference, it was all I could do to accept the fact that this amazing person was not going to be a part of my life but rather part of my past. In fact, I'm still not sure I have accepted it. The best I was able to do was to acknowledge how amazing our time was together and to think how, out of all the women out there who were interested in being with him (he is famous), I was one of the few that was actually privileged to become a part of his life. And it's something I will always remember. I am not sure if that is helpful advice or not but thinking about your relationship in that way may help you feel better about your situation...if it is truly not meant to be with this man, at least take comfort in the fact that you were able to spend some amazing time together and that will always be something you two have together! In a situation that is just not meant to work out (and I'm not saying that you situation won't work out, but if it doesn't...) I think that is about the best you can do to remain positive about the whole thing. Sorry this post was probably entirely unhelpful:o. Good luck and I do hope it all works out for the best!
Author acrossthemiles1 Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 It's the distance, not either of you. But you already know that. Distance can be the death knell to established relationships (trust me, I know), so your fledgling relationship was disadvantaged from the get-go. As for getting over it, you will. You seem to have your sh*t together, so time and an occasional vent are all you need. Oh...thank you. That's very kind of you to say really. I have come a long way in my approach to relationships, haha. Four, five years ago I would have been apoplectic over this lol. It may be somewhat relevant to know that I am planning on moving back to NYC at the end of July when my current job contract ends. I wonder if there would be any hope of us re-striking up something then...and if so, if we should simply cut contact now and wait, or continue on as we are, definitionless for now...
Author acrossthemiles1 Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 Sorry this post was probably entirely unhelpful:o. Good luck and I do hope it all works out for the best! It was not entirely unhelpful. I appreciate your empathy and understanding. Unfortunately, I am not at the point yet where I would be at all satisfied with just memories. I want him in my present...I want physical contact with him. I want that intellectual and emotional connection. I don't know how to stop wanting that.
Author acrossthemiles1 Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 It's the distance, not either of you. But you already know that. Distance can be the death knell to established relationships (trust me, I know), so your fledgling relationship was disadvantaged from the get-go. I actually wonder though - is it really JUST the distance? Does this suggest some sort of lack of emotional availability on his part? I would like to believe it does not...but I had been prepared to read a flood of responses declaring him to be a player who's just stringing me along, lol...
confused192 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Yes I completely understand. Believe me, I was NOT ready to have him be a part of my past and just accept the memories. If I had my way, he would be part of my present as well. It was a huge struggle for me and I tried very hard to help him reach a good place where I could be a part of his life (there were other issues going on as well such as a custody struggles with his ex) but even given how much I felt for him and how much he felt for me, it was not meant to be. That was not at all an overnight realization. However, rather than push the issue and risk tainting what we had together, I chose to respect his situation and feelings and move on. It was quite hard on me, no doubt. But even to this day, we are still friends and talk every now and again. I know that if I would have grasped at him to keep him in my life, we would have no contact with one another whatsoever. And he is such an amazing person that I couldn't stand that. Your situation is definitely different than mine and I think you are being smart by thinking about how he might be looking at the situation and how he might be feeling. The fact that you are moving to NYC in July could be very beneficial to your relationship and might clear up any reservations or doubts on his part. I only offer my experience because I know that I was so lost when I realized that there was literally nothing I could do to make this situation work out. I greatly hope that does not happen to you! But if so, know that there is still some good to come out of the situation. Good luck!
waynesworld Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I actually wonder though - is it really JUST the distance? Does this suggest some sort of lack of emotional availability on his part? I would like to believe it does not...but I had been prepared to read a flood of responses declaring him to be a player who's just stringing me along, lol... It's possible, but from what you've written, I don't think he's a player. If he only wanted sex, he wouldn't be throwing around the L-word after getting it. That'd only make his exit messier later on. No, he'd just try to maintain the status quo. As for your moving there and starting things up with him again, isn't he moving abroad himself?
Author acrossthemiles1 Posted March 17, 2011 Author Posted March 17, 2011 It's possible, but from what you've written, I don't think he's a player. If he only wanted sex, he wouldn't be throwing around the L-word after getting it. That'd only make his exit messier later on. No, he'd just try to maintain the status quo. This is a good point. I have always felt as though he has been genuine to me and that he is not just dicking me around. Of course, I am trying to protect myself as well, so I always have my bullsh*t radar on lol... The question I would most like answered, I suppose, is (as I mentioned) why he felt his assessment - of being able to fall in love with me - was foolish in the first place. This is where some of the is it me vs. is it the distance stuff comes in I guess...again, as he's said himself numerous times, this is all about his issues and his anxieties. But it sucks to be told he feels "physically ambivalent" towards me when we are apart, after he's already demonstrated wild physical attraction to me and claimed that if we were to make the transition to just friends he would find it "hard, initially, not feeling attracted to me." I just find the whole thing strange... As for your moving there and starting things up with him again, isn't he moving abroad himself?Oh, no he'll only be abroad for a month.
Author acrossthemiles1 Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 Ugh...and, not to dwell on things, but the other thing I don't understand is how he can go from "really missing me" and "dying to get his arms around me" one week, to asking himself "if I don't hurt when we are apart, am I wasting your time?" in the space of (seemingly) one or two weeks. I just genuinely have never understood that type of fundamental reversal. I am not sure I would even be capable of putting the brakes on like that, let alone having a possible reason/motivation for doing so. I just wish I had some clarity in all this, and isn't for lack of discussing it with him.
Author acrossthemiles1 Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 Okay...I guess it's sunk in now. I am a little taken aback at how hurt I feel. I did not expect this, and did not expect him to ever make me feel this way. But for it to be so intense, and so sudden, and have it taken away just as suddenly is...well, it's a knife in the heart really. To be hyperbolic. I guess I'm just out of sight, out of mind. ...Wow, yeah this really hurts.
Emilia Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 Okay...I guess it's sunk in now. I am a little taken aback at how hurt I feel. I did not expect this, and did not expect him to ever make me feel this way. But for it to be so intense, and so sudden, and have it taken away just as suddenly is...well, it's a knife in the heart really. To be hyperbolic. I guess I'm just out of sight, out of mind. ...Wow, yeah this really hurts. you are hurt because you want to be in a relationship with someone you have a strong connection with he doesn't know how to handle ambiguity, my last ex was the same. a lot of people are like that, especially when a little younger (ie in 20s), you get a bit more chilled and philosophical when you get older. so I'm voting for distance as well as the cause
Author acrossthemiles1 Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 you are hurt because you want to be in a relationship with someone you have a strong connection with he doesn't know how to handle ambiguity, my last ex was the same. a lot of people are like that, especially when a little younger (ie in 20s), you get a bit more chilled and philosophical when you get older. so I'm voting for distance as well as the cause Well...that just blows. Seriously. I would like to think we could give it another shot when I move there...but, I imagine he will have forgotten about me by then. For the record, he's 32.
Author acrossthemiles1 Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 (edited) Oh. And, just as I wrote that...he texted and apologized for being AWOL. Big meeting this week and was tied up with that. His friend's band are playing tomorrow in Brooklyn so he asked if I would go with him and spend the night. It is a bit of an awkward situation because he has a (female) friend visiting from overseas, with whom he had a romantic relationship with a year or so ago, but now claims to have no interest there and emphasizes she is "definitely JUST a friend." However, he is worried it may be awkward if she knows about me and him being an item. So we are going to play it low-key I guess. And not "flaunt our romantic connection" as he puts it. Funny, I was not aware he even felt a romantic connection to me anymore. Anyway I am hoping it won't be super-awkward. But the whole situation just has me slung around. I'm not at all sure anymore about what's going on or what's happening. I guess I just need to relax. Edited March 18, 2011 by acrossthemiles1
eerie_reverie Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 This guy sounds like he's not really on the market for anything serious - he is too self-absorbed. Your relationship isn't even particularly long-distance - if he really wanted to be with you, he wouldn't overanalyze everything and interject drama where there doesn't need to be any. And why does he feel the need to hide your R from his friend? I think he's stringing you along.
Author acrossthemiles1 Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 (edited) Well, because of our recent breakups we sort of entered the situation with the understanding that neither of us were looking for anything serious. The fact that a relationship started to materialize as an option was mainly the result of how quickly and intensely things progressed. And it is not just a distance issue but a time issue. Even if I am only two hours away we are still limited to Friday through Sunday nights. So, I'm not sure what you mean by that part of your comment. I don't think he wants to hide "us" from her. He just wanted to make me aware of the situation. He described her attitude as "selfish"...that she is not thrilled to meet someone he is romantically involved in..."but I don't care." Maybe he is NOT interested in anything serious, at least right now. Hell, maybe even I shouldn't be considering anything like that. August was not so long ago after all. So what then? Do I stop seeing him? Do I ignore him? I feel like I like him too much to do that... Edited March 18, 2011 by acrossthemiles1
waynesworld Posted March 18, 2011 Posted March 18, 2011 It sounds like he got caught up in the whirlwind too. Now that reality has set in, he's back-pedaling. It does seem that he isn't after anything serious. Does he know that you'll be moving to NYC? If he does, and the connection was as intense as you say, then the promise of that should be worth a few months of long-distance.
Author acrossthemiles1 Posted March 18, 2011 Author Posted March 18, 2011 He knows that it was one of my options...but I have not made it clear yet that I am definitely going back to NYC. His opinions on exclusivity have been conflicted. After our first night together he said if we continued to be romantic and intimate "he'd rather have that be exclusive rather than not." He has also hinted that he is most emotionally secure and comfortable in a monogamous relationship. On the other hand, he has expressed a lot of doubt about his ability to commit to that in the present moment. He has a lot of anxiety over relationships...his marriage ended after his ex cheated on him, so whether that has something to do with his current ambivalence, I'm not sure. I'm genuinely curious: what would make a guy backpedal like that? The fear of going too fast? The fear of being wrong about your initial impressions? What?
Author acrossthemiles1 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 Sigh. So...after I wrote the above posts, we had a couple more dates, the last one taking place over last weekend (not yesterday's, the one the week before). I wrote the last post on a Friday, and when I hadn't heard from him by that afternoon, I'd begun bracing myself for the reality that I'd probably either never hear from him again, or at the least he'd significantly withdraw himself. Then right as I started thinking that, he got back in touch and apologized for being AWOL, chalking it up to being super-busy that week. During our last weekend together, we had a fairly long discussion mainly centering around his feelings and his anxieties over the situation, and I got caught up on what had been going through his head during this whole "transition period" (i.e. the time between now and the peak of the whole whirlwind). He explained what it was like in the initial few weeks of our relationship and described it as like "being on a binge...on you, like I was bingeing on you. I was just totally insane." And then he started asking himself all these questions and thinking himself into a corner, which is this pattern he has fallen into again and again in his life. There were discussions of a possible "open relationship" and we had a couple weeks where we were both off seeing other people (none seriously) which was fine because we were both on the same page. Then around that time, he left for the west coast, and regarding all the other women in his life, he was like (his words) "F*ck it, f*ck ALL these chicks, I don't want to hang out with them, I'm not interested in them, they don't interest me...I just don't want to deal with any of this anymore, just at all, I'm done. And then I went out west and I was like...I'm done." (Around this time is when he took down his online dating profile.) So he muses, "So while I was out on the west coast, I just did not want to talk to any of those girls, or anyone at all really. But I talked to YOU. And then when I got back, there were all these messages...but I was just like...nooooooo. But then, I wanted to see YOU again. And I wanted to keep seeing you. And I guess, in my past relationships, I've always tried to push things, or feel like I'm progressing towards something...because that is how I am in my career, and my life, I'm a driven kind of guy and I like to be working towards something." Then he goes, "I think when it comes down to it I'm looking to fall in love...and to really get carried away by something. And even, to get to the point where I would consider, moving in with someone, and getting serious, and maybe even having a child. I know that might sound feminine...but that is that. I don't mean in any sort of immediate context, maybe not even for a matter of years, as far as the kid is concerned anyway...but that I guess is where I'm at in my life. I want to fall in love." ...Righty-o. So much for the "not looking for anything serious" theory. Despite this being (what I took to be) a fairly blatant indication that I was just a "placeholder" until he can find someone who he REALLY thinks he can fall in love with, he was also extremely affectionate and romantic towards me and we left things in unusually good spirits. It genuinely seemed to be just a nice, fun weekend and he asked me to talk to him if I ever had any concerns about things or where we were headed. That was last weekend, and since then I have not heard a word out of him. Complete radio silence. Not even a note or a text asking what I'd be up to this weekend - just a complete blow-off. So now I'm right back where I was that Friday a few weeks ago, preparing myself to let it drop. Except now I feel even more hurt and even more slung around. The ridiculous thing is, I still enjoy his company so much that I know, if he were to get back in touch and ask me out again, I'd probably be there in a heartbeat against my better judgment. And the worst thing is that I know I have no right to lament any of this because there was never any guarantee of anything serious between us in the first place. Not ever.
Nukulus Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 Well that's certainly a bummer. Have you tried contacting him at all? Or has it just been radio silence on both your parts. I'm not sure anyone can say anything to make you feel better about this situation. Probably best just to move on and appreciate it for what it was. There are plenty of other great guys out there, and they just need an honest chance. I would also say that if he gets in touch with you again and wants to see you, that you should clearly define your relationship before you proceed, because if he just get's in touch once a month or so it sounds more like a booty call than an actual dating situation. Best of luck, It will get better for sure!
Author acrossthemiles1 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 I haven't contacted him either because I just refuse to go chasing after him. I can be pretty sure about the fact that whatever it is, it's not a "booty call" as such. So, I know what it's NOT to him. But that doesn't mean I have a clue what it IS to him. Okay, so he's just not that into me. Fine, I get it. I can take a hint. So why tell me within the first three weeks of being together that he could see falling in love with me? Why tell me he "really wants to have a relationship with me and see if that can go deeper" and then pull back to the point of falling off the face of the earth as far as I'm concerned? I just wish I knew what I was to him and I feel like whenever I ask I just get a bunch of confusion back in my face. And try as I might to not care, I can't help it, because I just really, really like the guy. I admire him intellectually, he's a great laugh, great in bed, he seems to think all the same of me, and we have a blast when we're together. I just never understood what the problem was.
elaina Posted April 4, 2011 Posted April 4, 2011 So why tell me within the first three weeks of being together that he could see falling in love with me? Some men say things like that, but that doesn't mean that they actually DO fall in love... sometimes men don't always tell the truth, or tell just a tiny bit of a truth but not the whole complete deal. Why tell me he "really wants to have a relationship with me and see if that can go deeper" and then pull back to the point of falling off the face of the earth as far as I'm concerned? I think he likes someone else too. There are people (both men and women) who can "see" several people and be interested in each one, but they often run into the roadblock of at least one of the people they are interested in wanting to be exclusive (which is completely understandable.) I just wish I knew what I was to him and I feel like whenever I ask I just get a bunch of confusion back in my face. Sad to say, what I think ya'll had was a fling. Maybe someday you'll hear from him again and he'll want another fling or a long term relationship with you, but if you want to, you need to tell him what you really want. Anyways, even though he doesn't say "Oh, we had a fling." that doesn't mean that this is not what happened. Again, sometimes people aren't always honest about what kind of relationship is happening. And try as I might to not care, I can't help it, because I just really, really like the guy. I admire him intellectually, he's a great laugh, great in bed, he seems to think all the same of me, and we have a blast when we're together. I just never understood what the problem was. I think the problem is he likes someone else too, and maybe he thinks she is better for him? That doesn't mean that you are not good enough for him at all. It just means that his heart probably inclines more to her than to you. I'm sorry. I'm sure that's not what you wanted to hear, but that just shows that even though you like him, that doesn't mean he's the perfect boyfriend for you.
Author acrossthemiles1 Posted April 4, 2011 Author Posted April 4, 2011 I think he likes someone else too. There are people (both men and women) who can "see" several people and be interested in each one, but they often run into the roadblock of at least one of the people they are interested in wanting to be exclusive (which is completely understandable.) So why make a big song and dance about explicitly NOT being interested in anyone else and cutting off all contact with basically the rest of your dating pool? Unless you are outright lying to my face, but that would be astonishingly out of character (or at least a complete reversal) from the very explicit policy we had with each other from Day 1 about honesty and being upfront. I understand it's useless to ask these "please read his mind" questions...I'm not really trying to do that if even such a thing were possible. I don't even know why I'm so hurt when we were both (and I played this card too) all over the whole "we don't have expectations" thing. I have no right to be upset knowing what I was getting into. But he dangles that "I could fall in love with you" carrot in front of my face and I guess I lose all powers of logic. That really does not make me feel fantastic about myself. Like, at all.
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