girlfriend coming home late

[hokepk]

Ive gotten insecure and lacking trust in this relationship..

side note: i know it's her life. she can do what she wants. but im just concerned and i love her, and it'd be nice if she would change a bit of herself for me.. we've been together for 6 years. i find that habits she's had for years and years wouldn't be changed within a couple days or months. i know im not her mom/dad...but is it wrong for me to care about this stuff?

 

We don't live together. She lives with her parents, I live with mine.

 

She's been working as a waitress since she was about 19? now she is 24.

When she started working, she picked up smoking cigs. and now drinking.

 

There would be times (maybe about 2~3x a month) where she would go out with her friends and come home around 4am. She would go drink with her coworkers (dudes and girls) and goto karaoke.

 

I'm just concerned about her health, she sleeps everyday at 3~4am in the morning.

 

On a side note, I don't feel her comfortable hanging out so late buzzed/drunk @ karoke's with her coworkers, because most likely you end up singing how things don't go well in a relationship and it may reveal to other guys. She's already cheated on me once.. after we broke up she immediately slept with some guy she met @ a club in vegas. But now she's told me that's the past and that she's changed... but she's been living the same lifestyle that lead to what has happened in the past.

 

Ive told her all my thoughts/feelings of what makes me feel @ unease when she's hanging out at night. When she misses my calls or doesn't return to me that night, next day she would just say she was too tired or the phone was out of battery.

 

When I would ask her if she can change the time she comes home, she would say things like:

'im not going to change myself, this is my social life. so if you don't care then go find another girl suitable for you'

'don't try to change me. we've already talked about this,..'

'u aren't my mom or dad, it's none of your business'

 

i just feel like she's the one not caring about how i feel. i DO want her to hang out with her friends - but always sleeping at 3~4am, or coming home/driving home buzzed is really not going well with my worries. I expressed these feelings and thoughts to her, but she's not budging at all..

 

What would you guys/girls do about this?

Edited March 17, 2011 by hokepk

[allenmj]

Ok so,

 

I read your other thread in which you were given several good pieces of advice, so I'm curious why you posted again on pretty much the same topic.

 

 

I"ll be blunt, Drop her like a bad habit. I don't think you're in love with her, it sounds like you're in love with the idea of being in love. Go NC immediately and stick to it.

 

This girl is poison. All the cheating etc, theres no basis for a friendship there, much less a relationship. End it and lock it out so you can move on.

 

Then start working on yourself. Get into IC immediately. You are too immature and emotionally unstable to be in a relationship of any kind right now.

 

Focus on improving yourself first, then everything else will fall into place.

 

Good luck man.

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds to me like she doesn't care about you that much. Sorry.

 

I have a friend who was like your girlfriend in her 20s -- partying, flirting with other guys, cheating. Now that she's more mature, she admits it was irresponsible and selfish, but at the time, she was just living it up.

[Kamille]

This is a tough one because you have legitimate reasons to have trust issues, since she cheated on you in the past. I have a question though, just to help me clarify. If I understand correctly:

1) You two were together when she cheated

2) You then broke up and she slept with someone else

3) You got back together.

 

Is that it? Or is it:

1) You two broke up

2) She slept with someone else and you consider it cheating?

 

Another question, did she end up cheating because she was out late?

 

All that being said: As someone who's dated an alcoholic, I understand that you want to find moral reasons to justify asking her to stop partying late, be it that it's bad for her health, etc. However, she isn't exactly acting any different than the majority of 24 years old, or of many people who work late shifts in restaurant. Her partying and staying up late isn't really the issue. The issues are trust and incompatible lifestyles.

 

As a result of the breech of trust that happened in the past, it seems like you're now looking for her to prove to you that she can be trustworthy. It also sounds like you're wondering if she does truly love you. So you're looking for acts of love and acts of commitment. To you, that would mean not staying out late and picking up her phone when she is out. If she did those things, would that alleviate your anxiety? Would you feel more loved?

 

You are still with her and you two managed to reconcile. I'm going to go ahead and assume that this is because she is, in other ways, a loving girlfriend. What are those ways? How does she make you feel loved? Could those ways ever be enough for you?

 

What would you guys/girls do about this?

 

Well, I have been in somewhat similar situations, twice. Both times the differences in lifestyles eventually drove us to break up.

[yessy21]

Im sorry to say this... but she is fulll of it! battery dead? hahahaha i used to say that. shes still cheating and she thinks she is smarter than u cause ur the good boy. lol. she doesnt want to technically be alone. but she knows u will put up with her. is this the type of woman u really want?

 

a woman that has ciggs breathe all the time.

Might develope a drinking problem.

might give u an std.

doesnt respect her relationship with u.

and still waitresses. what type of life is that? she has no plans for her future and u could tell. I think u already know what to do ur just stalling and letting it go with the flow. Ur wasting ur time.

[Kamille]

I just read your other thread.

 

Hopek, you have to put yourself first. You have to focus on getting better, and getting better, sadly, likely means walking away form unnecessary stress and drama. The easy solution is for people to tell you to break up. The tougher solution is to refuse to engage in drama with your gf. That would mean changing how you two communicate, expressing your frustrations and anger in assertive ways, establishing clear boundaries for yourself of what you can and cannot accept (and realizing that if those boundaries are trampled on, then you have to put yourself first and walk away from her).

 

I am now more curious to know how she makes you feel loved. Why is this relationship worth all the drama?