Analyze my break up, how to respond to her recent contact, and how I'm handling this!

[Strength of Heart]

I got out of the gym this morning, checked my phone, saw a text, and it was my ex leaving this bread crumb:

 

"Hey. How are you?"

 

My initial reaction? Do NOT respond by all means. I was entirely satisfied and felt good about not even having the URGE to respond.

 

But my question is...is not responding the right move? Let me give you some background info on our break up.

 

Leading up to the Break Up'

1) Started hanging out w/ old friends that back-stabbed her numerous times.

2) Started drinking, had one particular terrible experience where she drank way too much, had panic attacks, one of her friends she had been hanging out with again (A girl also) tried to get in her pants most likely to **** with her head like usual.

3) Called me the next day, felt very guilty and cried, said she doesn't really want to drink anymore and that it is stupid and people act fake at those parties and she'd rather be hanging out w/ me having true fun.

4) I noticed her slightly start to favor going to parties again after her telling me she didn't really want too.

 

The Break

1) I recommended we take a break when she started acting distant and had mixed feelings about being in the relationship.

2) I bothered her a bit the first 2 days, the 3rd day I began taking it seriously and, look at that, she calls me crying, says she misses me, and wants me back.

 

The Break Up

1) We were going to hang out the Friday of that week, she had been acting a bit weird through texting all day and mentioned how her best friend might be moving and how upset she was and said "I want her to take her with me"...I said "I know that is rough, but you two will stay in contact and always be there for each other...besides, you have me!" (I had literally been her true best friend for 2.5 years, I've helped that girl through so much painful times in her life when her old friends stabbed her in the back and were not around). She said "I know" but didn't seem to care much when she said it.

2) She came over, I had asked if I could come pick her up cause it was a nice day and I wanted to drive, she kept saying no and said she wanted to drive for the same reason.

3) She came into my room, we talked, were kissing a bit like always and she was completely not into it at all.

4) We went out for dinner, she was still very much acting weird and distant.

5) I drove her down to the bay in my town and told her to tell me what was going on?

6) We had a long talk. She pretty much told me she didn't know why she was feeling the way she was, she didn't feel "In love" with me anymore, part of her wanted to be on her own. I told her how I went through a phase like that during the relationship (I really did, definitely had a case of G.I.G.S. for a few months but I fought it off and it ended up being the right decision) and that she could get through it too, but if she really needed to just be on her own and go through that phase in her life, then so be it.

7) I left the decision up to her pretty much, she thinks parting ways was what she needed at the time even though she knows I was ready to work things out. We agreed to always respect one another, not talk crap about each other, and for her to keep an open heart and mind.

8) I was doing great whilst talking to her about it for hours, but as we were leaving I broke down into tears, she held me tight, kissed my forehead and cheeks quite a bit and told me to promise her I would not hurt myself or do anything dumb after this, I said I would never. I drove her back to my house, she hugged me on the couch for a bit, called two of my best friends and told them they needed to come over (To take care of me and make sure I didn't do anything dumb). She walked out of my house, I watched her in tears drive away from my house, my world had turned upside down when her car disappeared out of sight.

 

Post Break Up

1) I texted her the next morning, I said I hope we can get back together one day, she said "I do too <3" and then we said good luck and goodbye.

2) I texted her that night, found out she was wasted at a party, called her. I was upset, angry, pretty much every emotion possible. I flipped out, was kind of crying/yelling about things. She yelled that "She felt like she was married to me" in the relationship, ended up hanging up on me. About an hour later she texts me saying "Bobby I'm sorry I love you" and then called me, saying she feels terrible cause she drank to much and that she is so sorry and loves me. I said I love you too, she said she was leaving, I told her to call me when she was home. She ended up at a friends house, called me, told me she was safe and stuff. The next morning she texted me saying all the stuff that was said last night was word vomit, saying our relationship was stung badly, and that who knows if we'll get back together again one day. I told her in a completely respectful way that I think she has some serious growing up to do and that I would respect her space.

3) After doing some Facebook creeping (I know, bad idea) I discovered a conversation of her and a co-worker joking around about going on a date and also making sexual jokes/references. I was furious, how could she go out on a date and have sex with a guy less than a week after we broke up? I removed her from Facebook in a rage, she texted me the next morning explaining how she knew why I removed her and how the whole thing was her and this kid (Actually her brothers friend) playing a prank on this other kid at work that they were dating. I thanked her for letting me know because it deeply upset me AND my mother, told her to have a good day. At first I believed her, then I began to think "She could say it's a joke all she wants, a guy and a girl usually won't joke around sexually like that unless there is some actual attraction behind it." I re-added her on Facebook after she apologized though.

4) I called her about 4-5 days later with intentions of telling her I was doing good now, I had reflected on the relationship and was simply just working on improving myself as a person, and that I would love if we got another chance and I miss her, but I was mainly doing it for myself. I told her I felt like I was becoming a man and that I felt more confident than I have in a long time. I asked her how she was doing, if she was handling things well, and if she wanted to keep up the not talking and if she wanted to meet up for lunch in a month or so. She said she was doing good, shes misses hanging out with me and stuff but not the "Lovey Dovey" stuff, she said she hasn't really cried, she has no intentions of seeing other guys for a long time, and she said she would meet up for lunch. Here is a big part of my dilemma, I told her that I wouldn't contact her but that SHE could contact me to check up on how I am doing and stuff, which is what she did today!

5) I haven't talked to her since that day, aside from sending a simple happy birthday text on the 9th, she responded with "Thank you! I appreciate it! have a good day". During this time period however, I discovered once again on her Facebook something that I didn't like, and that was various comments from old co-workers of mine (We worked at the same place for 2 years) talking about, I'm assuming, how wasted she was at an apple-bees get together. I also saw a drunken FB messenger screenshot uploaded on her page where she was messaging her best friend (A girl) saying a bunch of drunken giberish, with a nice "****, ****, ****, **** me in the *******", "Ahh I'm so happy YAYAYAY". This just kind of made me sick, luckily it wasn't a message to a guy or whatever, but seeing her talk like that just made me sick to my stomach. She had also posted a bunch of statuses about living young, getting drunk, getting high and all sorts of stuff. She was the COMPLETE opposite of this in the relationship.

 

My Conclusion

1) I think what ultimately ended the relationship was definitely a case of "Grass is Greener Syndrome" as people here like to call it. She didn't know why she felt so confused about being together suddenly, she seemed to be finding any reason possible to justify her mixed feeling of wanting to be on her own, and she potentially had interest in that kid from work (That is my personal Suspicion)

2) Other factors definitely contributed, but I think more in the sense that she had used normal issues that all couples go through from our relationship as ammo to try and justify a reason to leave me. If some flaws of mine (We all have them) was the reason for her to leave, then she would have done it a long time ago (Together 2 and a half years). I was an amazing boyfriend to this girl and I changed her life in so many ways for the better, I absolutely gave her a reason to be truly happy.

 

Reflecting on the Relationship

 

My Flaws

1) I wouldn't call this a flaw really, but it was in her mind. I've never had a drink or a drug in my life, that is always how I have been and I've been to parties and just don't enjoy them one bit (Unless I'm with a good group of people). I'm the type that'd rather hang with a group of close friends and do something funny or creative.

2) After a bad situation with her "friends" trashing on her and being happy in a relationship with me, she shifted a lot of her focus off of me and onto her friends after I had treated her amazing for half a year. I forgave her, but in my heart this hurt me, she took me for granted for awhile before realizing she was, and when she was trying to make it up I was stuck in a shell and was taking her for granted (She had also cut contact with her former friends because they were being inconsiderate and bitter). Never fully snapped out of it until the end obviously. It also had to do with being in the relationship for so long, it's natural for people to get comfortable and start taking things for granted a bit.

3) At the beginning of the relationship I had a bit of an anxiety/depression problem, she helped me get out of this so I think that was a non-factor ultimately in the end cause that was really only in the first half year of the relationship (If even that much).

4) When it came to dancing at a family party or anything of the sort, I get very nervous and upset because I have zero confidence when it comes to dancing. She used to always tell me I did great and that all that mattered was that we were having fun together. I loved dancing with her, once I got going, but often I got upset before and after we danced cause I thought I "sucked".

5) I didn't go out with her enough, I was usually content with hanging out at home with her, cuddling, watching a movie, going out to dinner, seeing a movie. I like going on dates, I'm not big on doing things with large groups of people but she is. I only enjoyed being out with her if we were hanging out with people that I was comfortable with and generally liked being around, when around a bunch of strangers I am very quiet and reserved.

 

Her Flaws

1) More than capable of having a terrible attitude about things, most likely gets it from her mom. I am generally an extremely optimistic person even in the worst of times, I don't worry too much.

2) Self-Conscious, she is a beautiful girl but no matter how many times I would tell her that she would not believe it.

3) When we went out with people, which was her thing to do, she had this very attention seeking behavior where she'd go from the girl I knew when I hung out with her that was herself, to this very loud and generally obnoxious person. She was like a dog that got overly excited if she was a part of a big group and got attention. I am kind of the complete opposite in this sense, which is a big reason why I avoided going out with her and certain groups of people.

 

My thoughts on flaws? I don't believe in keeping scores in a relationship, I would let her know how her flaws/mistakes effected me and what she could do to improve on it, I was a very open and respectful speaker about relationship problems, but I always forgave her for mistakes and don't judge. She is very closed off about things that are bothering her, and I think this ultimately did not help the outcome of our relationship now. She told me things that bothered her about me months and months after she discovered it, and I always had to practically pry it out of her or wait until she couldn't hold it in any longer. Her communication was bad and obviously that is not good for a relationship, mine was not perfect but certainly was enough to get the job done...but without her communicating back it didn't mean much.

 

Everyone has flaws, you acknowledge them to the best of your ability by yourself and with the help of others, and hopefully you care enough to make an effort to fix them or at least minimize them.

 

What I've done with the Break Up

1) I screwed up a couple of times in the beginning, it happens, I didn't beat myself up too much for it. I recognized my mistakes and learned from them.

2) I reflected deeply and thoughtfully, both on me and her individually and our actual relationship. I also reflected on what was great about our relationship and what great characteristics we had together.

3) Learn from the mistakes/flaws I found in myself from reflecting, that is something I work towards every single day so I can just become a better and stronger person out of all of this.

4) I haven't held any grudges, I understand there is many reasons why she may have walked away and I can accept that. It definitely hurts sometimes, but I am a very respectful and understanding guy.

5) Started NC - I realized that I can't make the girl love me and want to come back, so I might as well do NC for all the reasons that have been spoken of here before. I am doing wonderful, I miss the girl and would love for us to have another chance together one day, but she'd have to earn a chance from me and show me that she has changed/is willing to change certain things for the better. Mending a relationship is possible, but it takes 100% effort and dedication from both the people involved. I'm ready and willing, I think I've proven that by acknowledging my mistakes/flaws of the past and doing work on them for my own well being, the question is would she be willing to do that? I'd have to see that from her before I gave her another chance.

 

I'm a really good guy, extremely mature for my age and I have a good head on my shoulders. My question is...what do I do about this text she sent me? Considering I told her she could check up on me, would it be seen as me being bitter by not responding to it? Should I still ask her to lunch in a month? Should I continue to be fallen off the face of the earth or should I eventually contact her? I'm handling the situation well but I definitely could still use some advice and guidance in certain aspects of it.

 

Thanks for your time guys, all advice and opinions on the situation are much appreciated and I love you all for being great support throughout all of this!

[PegNosePete]

Ah I got about half a page into your story before wondering, "who is the other guy then". Seems it's this co-worker. Very high probability that something was going on with him before the break-up, that's why she was distant and fed you all the classic lines from the cheater's handbook.

 

You should indeed, continue to be fallen off the face of the earth. The reason she is checking up on you is not out of a concern for your well-being, but alleviation of her guilt. She knows she hurt you badly and treated you like turd, she wants to make sure you're OK, so she doesn't have to feel so bad.

 

NC dude. Keep at it. Delete and BLOCK from facebook. No more birthday or Christmas or Easter or St Patrick's day messages. No contact at all. It's for the best.

[TheLoneSock]

Once a girl ends a relationship with you, you can never take her back. She will marginalize the situation and find a way to convince herself she made the right decision if you don't take her back, and she will never respect you again if you do. It really is a no win deal in terms of her and you. Once it's over, it's over.

 

The best thing you can do? Find a better girl and never speak to this one again - that's how you win in the end.

 

And if you don't think there's better out there, you need a reality check

[confused2134]

Don't be such a pessimist. In relationships sometimes people need a break. It's better now than when you're married or with kids. I woudl say don't talk to her. If she starts to text you ignore her a couple times. If she keeps texting you have short conversations. Don't text her. I've been in NC with my ex for almost 2 weeks now and while she seems happy she is definately playing the same game I am. There's no way. Everytime we broke up she would come right back. I think the reason she is not back yet is because I made all the mistakes right when it happened. She even told her roommate she'd probably get back with me she just needed space which I never gave her. Hopefully I didn't lose my shot. Second chances can be good. couples almost always break up at some point during their tenure.

[TaraMaiden]

I think the reason she is not back yet is because I made all the mistakes right when it happened. She even told her roommate she'd probably get back with me she just needed space which I never gave her. Hopefully I didn't lose my shot.

keep hoping...I personally think you're onto a loser here.... Tell me when I'm wrong, if it happens.....

 

Second chances can be good. couples almost always break up at some point during their tenure.

No they don't!

Couples who break up, more often than not, stay broken up.

Statistics on this forum will show you that.

A break means it wasn't right somewhere, and it won't be right if you hook up again, if you don't both work at making it right.

But your comment is both completely false, and frankly - you're grasping at straws.

Sorry for the harshness, but I think you might need a bit of a reality check....

[Strength of Heart]

She sent another text this morning saying "Hiiiiii". I want to stay NC but I am having doubts because we kind of left off on good terms and I feel like she might think I am a jerk for ignoring her now after I specifically told her she could check in on me whenever. What do you guys think? I am thinking if I want to stay NC then I should send her some sort of NC message at least to let her know what is going on.

[Strength of Heart]

Bump, need advice on my last post.

[PegNosePete]

The previous replies all still stand, and will stand when she sends the next message and the next one and the next one.

 

"Why aren't you replying to me?"

"What's going on?"

"Are you OK I am worried?"

"Fine be like that then"

"Oh you're deliberately ignoring me now"

"Stop being childish and reply to me"

"You're deliberately not replying to hurt me"

"I hate you bastard"

"Please reply I still care about you"

"Can we meet for coffee"

Blah.

Blah.

Blah.

 

NC dude.

[depplover_1980]

keep hoping...I personally think you're onto a loser here.... Tell me when I'm wrong, if it happens.....

 

 

No they don't!

Couples who break up, more often than not, stay broken up.

Statistics on this forum will show you that.

A break means it wasn't right somewhere, and it won't be right if you hook up again, if you don't both work at making it right.

But your comment is both completely false, and frankly - you're grasping at straws.

Sorry for the harshness, but I think you might need a bit of a reality check....

 

I second these sentiments. Confused, I think you're in denial, sorry.

[TaraMaiden]

The previous replies all still stand, and will stand when she sends the next message and the next one and the next one.

 

"Why aren't you replying to me?"

"What's going on?"

"Are you OK I am worried?"

"Fine be like that then"

"Oh you're deliberately ignoring me now"

"Stop being childish and reply to me"

"You're deliberately not replying to hurt me"

"I hate you bastard"

"Please reply I still care about you"

"Can we meet for coffee"

Blah.

Blah.

Blah.

 

 

 

NC dude.

 

I completely 100% second this.

The only time you should respond, is if she is patently, sincerely and singularly comes crawling back to you on all fours, begging for forgiveness, and telling you she will do whatever it takes to make this work with you - please give her another chance!

 

Anything else is just whitewash breadcrumb-throwing, testing.

 

Testing?

Yup.

To see if she can still yank your chain, and get you to jump.

 

Do NOT jump!!

[Strength of Heart]

I haven't responded to her and she didn't text me again this morning, so I guess that is over for now.

[TaraMaiden]

No.

 

It's not over for now.

 

It's over - PERIOD.

[PelicanPete]

Taramaidens coming off a little harsh but that does not mean she isn't right, in fact she is right on the money in my opinion. Go NC, dont buckle up for your ex's roller coaster because in the end you're just gonna end up feeling sick. TheLoneSock also gave some really good advice, was in the same situation with my ex. After I went NC she somehow twisted it in her head that I was emotionally abusive and she had every right to cheat on me and leave me for another guy. If I had the option of taking her back, hell no. I could never see her the same way, times like these really show a persons true character.

 

 

I know it isn't exactly what you want to hear, and it's hard when someone takes advantage of your feelings like this. If she really loves and cares about you and this is all just a big mistake, then let her show you how much you mean to her. Go NC, focus on yourself. If she is relentlessly begging and pleading to have you back and that it was just a big mistake blablabla, then its your move. If she doesn't put up that big of a fight and blames everything on you, she really isn't worth it.

[Movingthrough]

Once a girl ends a relationship with you, you can never take her back. She will marginalize the situation and find a way to convince herself she made the right decision if you don't take her back, and she will never respect you again if you do. It really is a no win deal in terms of her and you. Once it's over, it's over.

 

 

Its funny, because i had a girl literally 48 hours ago tell me almost these exact words. We were talking about how my ex "painted me black", when everything she painted me black with was what she liked at one point.

 

While my friend believes guys do it too, she admitted that its very common in girls, they don't want to seem like the one that "failed" in the relationship.

 

Your situation does sound kind of unique, but it also isn't. Like with me, i feel your situation is beyond fixable at this point. While i do believe relationships end for a reason, who knows maybe you will hear from her again. But right now there is no way to fix this besides moving on.

 

The number one way to see that is by contradictions. She says she loves you but then says she wants to be single, she says there is nothing with this other guy, but then you see it twice online...could go on and on. There are way to many emotions floating around there right now, you need to go NC.

[Strength of Heart]

I DID text her back today saying "Hey Lauren, how are ya?" and then "Sorry I couldn't respond, I've had a very busy week".

 

Figured I'd just see if I could raise any curiosity out of her, I'm not getting my hopes up though. If she doesn't respond then back to NC for me, just seeing if she'll bite. Doubt she really contacted me for any important reason though.

 

Honestly, I'd love to have her back and give things another go. But thats IF, and only if, she proved that she was willing and ready to 100% work with me to create a new and stronger relationship. If I saw any sign of doubt with that? I would not take her back. I don't get in relationships as an experiment, I want something serious.

 

I'm doing pretty good though, I've gotten to the point where I miss her but totally realize my life must go on whether or not she tries to come back. I'm going out, hitting the gym 2-4 days a week, and trying to meet new friends (and hopefully eventually a girl who really strikes my interest, although I'm not in any rush for that right now.)

 

I feel good, I'm not getting my hopes up about anything with her and am just doing good things for myself and to improve myself.

[Strength of Heart]

That worked to my advantage, will give you guys an update on how the convo went when I actually get to a computer.