loony Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 If I just keep monitoring him, at least I know what's going on. Are you aware how insane this sounds? This is not normal for a healthy relationship. And it's definitely acceptable as a long-term solution. I convinced him that we should get married because I wanted my child to be taken care of if something were to happen to him. 'Convinced' according to my understanding implies having overcome reluctance. So, despite having a child with you he still didn't think of marriage till you 'convinced' him? It just doesn't sound like the big love as which you want to make it look like. He has been a great father and husband, he tells me he loves me, he is affectionate and we had a lot of good times. When I got that first letter from her, I didn't want him to get all disdraught about her again. No, that was not the reason you hid the letter from him. You hid it, because you were afraid of the competition, of the feelings the letter would evoke in him. If you ask yourself, do you think your husband ever felt this kind of passionate love for you as he did for her? So hot, that a letter would be able to ignite the spark again? It was absolutely wrong to take this letter, it was not yours and you deliberately decided to take control over your husband's life in order to prevent him from doing potential hurtful things to you. But you don't have this right to control anybody, not even your husband, not even when you love him that much. If your urge to control someone is so big, then I'd say it's not love anymore, but some other issue of yours that you need to sort out. Maybe it would be a good idea to go to a counselor. All she told him was that she had gotten married and that she was coming to the US. So what? That wouldn;t have changed anything between him and I, only cause unneccessary stress. But between her and him, wouldn't it? I'm not holding him back in any way shape or form. You withheld information and whatever you have posted as far as now shouts of control and fear. I have not told him to stop contact with her, and he is still with me. You know he would get very upset with you if you did, so you give in, just enough not to drive him away completely. My guess is, he is still with you, because of the kids, because of his sense of responsibility, and because he does have feelings for you, just not as deep maybe as for the other girl. He had free will and he chose to marry me. He could have said no when I suggested it to him. 'Suggested' or 'convinced'? I hope he will get past this infatuation with this woman. Infatuations probably don't last that long. You are devaluating his feelings for this woman. All I need is some support to get through this and to figure out how to get his mind off her. Do you think your husband is really someone who is capable of free will and thinking? My impression is that you think he is too dumb to do anything unless you guide him and tell him what to feel and what to do. Do you really think she is the only problem in your relationship? Did you ever wonder why he likes her more than you?
Author Elena Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 Loony, I realize that some of what I wrote a while back sounds as if I'm the bad guy here. Yes, my H did love her BACK THEN, but he has told her (and me for that matter) that in retrospect he thinks it was more physical attraction and him getting all emotional over her, and not really love. He has reevaluated his feelings for her, and I guess it's not love - he was infatuated with her, and I guess he still finds her "hot", but he told her that he was just her "friend". He has not told her once since they reconnected that he loves or loved her, even though she has signed some of her mails with "love" - he has never brought up the "L" word once with her. He has also not responded to some of her mails as far as I can see when she got really emotional - he doesn't want to go there with her it seems. That's what makes me realize that he does care about me more than about her, otherwise he would have poured his heart out to her as she has with him - but he didn't. Possibly because he doesn't have it in his heart anymore? He has stuck with me even though she has come on to him, so that makes me believe he does not love her. I don't know what it is that he gets out of this with her except getting his ego stroked - that's why I have not done anything. To suggest that I'm controlling and need help is ludicrus. I think no wife would tolerate her husband's former flame to interfere with her marriage - that's why I didn't give him those letters. If he insists on being in touch with her by mail - fine. I don't like it, but then again, is it worse then some H's looking at porn? Mine doesn't do that, so I guess I can tolerate his behaviour for now. I just want this woman to go away and hopefully, he'll get tired of her eventually.
Author Elena Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 I wonder if I should have posted this in the marriage forum, since apparently a lot of OW are responding here and sympathizing for her. Former flame or not - she is still an OW of sorts, even though they are not having a real affair. She has come on to a MARRIED man, while he was away from home and lonely. THAT is desperate, not my efforts to keep my marriage together.
loony Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 To suggest that I'm controlling and need help is ludicrus. I think no wife would tolerate her husband's former flame to interfere with her marriage - that's why I didn't give him those letters. If he insists on being in touch with her by mail - fine. I don't like it, but then again, is it worse then some H's looking at porn? You did it, because you didn't trust him and his feelings enough that he would make the right decision, meaning decide what you want. To me it shows you either have trust issues or you know that your marriage is built on shaky ground and has always been from day one. I wonder if I should have posted this in the marriage forum, since apparently a lot of OW are responding here and sympathizing for her. Former flame or not - she is still an OW of sorts, even though they are not having a real affair. She has come on to a MARRIED man, while he was away from home and lonely. THAT is desperate, not my efforts to keep my marriage together. I doubt that any of the people who posted here are OW as you are insinuating. We just see more objectively what is happening in your marriage. I personally find my advice was the best I can give you, if you think your problem is just the woman who is out after your husband and not your husband or the way you relate to him, then so be it. Instead of clinging and manipulating him to stay with you, you should re-evaluate your relationship and let him make a decision. If he's not in love with her anymore, what are you afraid of? Why all this monitoring? What kind of relationship is this if someone feels the need to watch his/her spouse's every move at home? You yourself said he looked at the nude pictures of her that she sent him, that he panicked when she didn't reply to him for a couple of weeks. If you want to be dishonest with yourself and stay in a situation that is not making you happy nor him, then go ahead. Your relationship has problems and they are not caused alone by this woman.
loony Posted January 4, 2006 Posted January 4, 2006 I also want to add that if you have read the posts of BS you will have noticed that a lot of them said that their husband was always nice and assuring them how much he loved, till *boom* they learned he had an affair. Your husband until he is out for an open conflict would not tell you that he doesn't love you anymore. Why should he risk that you get even more suspicious than you already are? Why stress himself unnecessarily? Or maybe he is saying the truth, but still, I can't imagine him not to secretly resent your monitoring and controlling. If you think this reaction would be childish, then I wonder what you expect from a guy who looks at nude pictures of an ex.
Author Elena Posted January 4, 2006 Author Posted January 4, 2006 Loony, how am I clingy or manipulating him? We lived apart for three years when he was stationed somewhere else. If I was clingy, I would have moved with him. Instead, we had a weekend relationship, or really a once a month relationship. The first time I came across the mails was when he didn't logg out of his account and I read it. AFter that, I had reason to be suspicious and found more when I looked. But I haven't manipulated him at all. I'm just making sure this woman is not destroying my family. He may not be in love with her, but who knows what lengths she might go to to get him back. I would have a very definite problem if she came here, seduced him to have sex with her and tried to get him to leave me. So far, that hasn't happened, but my guard is up. He sent her a few mails in a row when she didn't respond to him right away, but that was the only time he did that. Usually, it's her writing him at least every few weeks, but he has gone as long as three months without writing her. She's the one who first contacted him, and she is the one who keeps their reconnection going. If she stopped writing, I'm sure he would just let it go. And what man doesn't look at nude pictures of any halfway attractive woman? Our relationship was fine before this woman tried to sneak her way back to him. We had many good years together, and we had our ups and downs. Of course we've had our problems, but we worked it all out. I just looked at all the pictures of us, how happy we were, with our kids. I resent her for upsetting my family. Even if my H doesn't leave for her, she is way out of line forcing herself back into his life and sending him nude pictures. What the heck is she thinking? How desperate is she? Does she think that my H is going to drop his life here with me just to be with her? I think she is the one with the problem, not me.
EMJ Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Your posts SCREAM of desperation. Now that the chicken's have come home to roost from the dishonest and manipulative way you have handled youself right from the beiginning of your relationship with H, you are clawing and grasping to get that temporary control back again. You got yourself pregant to trap a man who would have otherwise NEVER have married you-that's the oldest trick in the book. You guilt him into this marriage for "the child's sake", when it's clear it was your own selfish insecure neediness you were serving. He never stopped loving her. Yes she hurt him, but you are making his life an everyday diasaster by the way you deal with him. I can't even see how he respects you at all. I truly feel sorry for HIM. He lost the love of his life and now has to live with a spying, angry, shrew trying to get the first woman "out of his heart" and it's obviously NOT working. It won't. You have brought all of this on youself. You can't manipulate anyone into loving you and why should he? You've intentionally trapped him. He's a decent man you say, so wants to take care of his kids. If you had no kids he would have been LONG gone, and you knew it, so you threw yourself at him. But you are NOT the reason he's there and you WONT be able to force him to stay. He's not your property and you have made it so much worse by your scheming behavior. The OW is not the problem. YOU are. Please get your own ounseling, you have some serious dysfunctions, he sounds like a normal guy, you sound insane. This whole thing is very sad. Oh, and by the way, no here is believing your all your BS. Your husband is the VICTIM here. You are the perpetrator. In every post your character is revealed more and more. Get some real professional help. Please stop posting, you clearly don't want any help from anyone here.
penkitten Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 this is a bunch of bs. you should not have to take this. if he is so unhappy and wants to be with her so bad, let him go. marriage and love are not suppose to be like this, writing and calling another woman.
Author Elena Posted January 5, 2006 Author Posted January 5, 2006 EMJ, you are way out of line here! You are making assumptions about my marriage that just aren't true. Again, yes, my H thought he loved that woman back then, but then things were over and out of his own free will, he came back to ME! He told me that he really didn't love her all that much, that it was mainly physical and he had gotten all emotional about her, and that he wanted to work things out with me! He was the one who wanted me to move to him and I got out of the military to move to him! We had a LDR for a good year, and made it work. He could have walked away then and either go back to her or find someone new, but he didn't. I gave up my career for him when I left the military to be with him. I did NOT get pregnant on purpose, it just happened. When he got orders to get deployed, here I was, pregnant and without any support, far away from home. Getting married was the only solution - how else would I or our child have gotten care if something had happened to him? And BTW, my H was the one who wanted another child after we got married. Doesn't sound like a trapped victim to me. I may have been wrong intercepting those letters, but put yourself in my shoes. We worked things out after SHE dumped him, and we were about to build a life together. And here she came, trying to sweet talk her way back into OUR life after she was the one who dumped him. Too little too late. Life had gone on, and there was no more room for her. We have argued about this woman enough ,and I'm tired of her causing tension between my H and I. I want her to go and find herself her own man who is NOT taken and married. She's the one who's desperate to go back to an ex whom she dumped over a decade ago. I see lots of people here who put spyware in their computers to see if their spouses are cheating, and they get support. That doesn't make me crazy or manipulative. I'm trying to keep my family together. I don't monitor his cell phone or his every step - just the computer. Since our oldest child is starting to use the internet, that's a good thing anyways. Oh, and she was not the "first woman" - he knew me long before he ever met her. I guess those angry responses must be from other OWs. That's the only explanation I have. I'll stop posting here and move over to the married forum.
Malifecent Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 I think you guys are being a bit harsh here....he wasn't trapped....he's an adult and he married her his decison. I know if I had a husband and he was getting naked pictures and talking to another woman online I would snoop through his stuff as well ...enough to get the right amount of info ....then confront him, give him an ultimatum, and then get on with my life one way or another. Elena whatever you did to get your husband doesn't matter now. But he's certainly disrespecting your marriage now, and he has no right. I say confront him again....make him choose, and if he doesn't choose you go find someone that you don't have to convince to marry you.
amerikajin Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 EMJ, Your post is over the top. That wasn't necessary, and your conclusions are speculation at best. Elena, Though I disagree with some of what has been written here, I do agree with the others about one thing: there's obviously something wrong with your marriage, and you need to address it. To the rest of us, it is frustrating to read your posts because it is so obvious that you need to address this issue, yet you are choosing to duck and hide. You came on this thread asking for advice, but when advice is given, you just shrug it off - that's annoying. It doesn't really annoy me too much because it's your life, not mine. But I can see how it annoys others. I think that's what people are getting at here. And likewise, don't assume that people here are OW's just because they have a few choice comments to make about your situation. If you want sympathy and no advice, then you should make that clear from the start, and ask only for sympathy. As you can see, though, not everyone's going to come to the pity party. You have the opportunity to take control here, but you're not doing that. Frustrating to read.
Author Elena Posted January 5, 2006 Author Posted January 5, 2006 EMJ, Your post is over the top. That wasn't necessary, and your conclusions are speculation at best. Elena, Though I disagree with some of what has been written here, I do agree with the others about one thing: there's obviously something wrong with your marriage, and you need to address it. To the rest of us, it is frustrating to read your posts because it is so obvious that you need to address this issue, yet you are choosing to duck and hide. You came on this thread asking for advice, but when advice is given, you just shrug it off - that's annoying. It doesn't really annoy me too much because it's your life, not mine. But I can see how it annoys others. I think that's what people are getting at here. And likewise, don't assume that people here are OW's just because they have a few choice comments to make about your situation. If you want sympathy and no advice, then you should make that clear from the start, and ask only for sympathy. As you can see, though, not everyone's going to come to the pity party. You have the opportunity to take control here, but you're not doing that. Frustrating to read. It's not that I don't appreciate the advice, but I've tried that already with him. We had a big fight when I confronted him the first time about this, and he kept insisting that she was part of his life and he would not just "erase" that like that. He also won't throw out all the old letter and pictures of her she sent him way back when. I love this man, and I don't want to push him away from me by giving him ultimatums that I know for sure he won't stick to. He could be mailing her from his work email that I cannot see from my home computer. It is frustrating for me too, believe me. I have put my foot down on other things, but when it comes to her, I have no chance getting my way. That's why I keep wondering if the whole situation is worth getting in a huge fight with him again or if it's something that I can live with. If I knew for sure if he was only in it for an ego boost, I can let it go and keep the peace. If I knew for sure that there was more to it, then I would probably put my foot down again, even though I don't think I could ever leave him. He is the love of my life. Our kids would be devastated if their daddy left them. I'm trying to do the right thing for them.
Free Spirit Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Have you thought about being in a marriage with him for the rest of your life if he is indeed in love with this other woman? Don't you feel like you deserve something more then that? You should not have to live your life snooping in his email to see what he is saying to this other woman. The very fact that you are doing that shows how much trust and security there is in your relationship. NONE! I believe that you have gone a little overboard and accepted a little too much in moments of desperation but most likely that has arisen from many years of a decreasing self esteem wondering if your husband loves you and trying to life up to some perfect image of "the one he let go". It is easy for him to romatize an old relationship that exists less the kids, less the bills and the day to day happenings of a marriage. I don't believe this is all your fault but rather something that you could both find blame in. If he is not happy or something is missing then as a husband or an adult for that matter he should just make a decision to leave or step up and communicate what is going on in his head. A lot of men have a hard time communicating so rather then telling you what they need they seek it out elsewhere. Look at how long this has been going on? There is obviously an emotional attachment here. He knows you caught him once and yet he went back regardless. You have no idea what is going on during their phone conversations do you? You can only see emails! I think that you might find reading over your own emails therapeutic or at least awakening and maybe understand where some the feedback is coming from. As for the kids, and the hurt this would cause them, do you really think they cannot tell what is going on right now? Conflict, mistrust, and drama will hurt them just as much. Your kids need to see a loving relationship they can imitate when older whether you are in a relantionship with him or not. Be strong and do what is best for your happiness here!
Malifecent Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 I don't think your ready to take this advice, hopefully someday you will. He either loves you enough to stop communicating with this woman or he doesn't and the only way your going to find out is by making him make that choice. It may only be emails now, but I doubt it will stay that way forever. Many OW including myself can vouch for that. Do you really want to stay married to a man who would choose a flirty email buddy over you?
Citizen Erased Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Okay I have only just read all this and I can imagine this has all been very overwhelming for you Elena. To put it straight, what your husband is doing to you BLOWS in a big way. He should not even be talking to this woman in the first place and keeping it from you and then looking at pictures of her in the nude. That is absolutely sickening and totally disrespectful to you and your children. One thing which no-one has suggested, and which you should consider seriously, is Marriage Counselling. If you are unable to confide your feelings to him in your own home, then having someone who is trained to get everything out in the open is best. You cannot keep this man by just ignoring this. It will not go away until you confront him. You say that you have already tried talking to him and it all just blew up and he's doing the same thing again. You cannot live like this. I bet the whole thing is just eating you up inside, which is why you are indulging in what is probably uncharacteristic activities, such as looking at his emails. However, I think that perhaps your female intuition was ablaze, and now that it has been confirmed you are daily dounting your relationship. However, you have come on here looking for advice. You should not have to keep explaining and making excuses for both yourself and your husband. EMJ has definetely over stepped the boundaries by going off at you like that, but you will get that sometimes on these forums and will need to accept it. If you dont like it, then ignore it. You have come on here to get advice, so please stop making up all these excuses, which it seems is all which you are doing. You need to bring this out in the open if you ever even want to have a stable relationship with your husband. If you continue on like this, you will in fact be doing what you fear and pushing him away. By finally bringing this out in the open, you will be fighting for your relationship and have more of a hope of sorting things out, he will stay and she will be history. Oh, and I suggest gettig rid of the Internet, at least for the time being. You shouldnt have a need to snoop at all.
amerikajin Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 We had a big fight when I confronted him the first time about this, and he kept insisting that she was part of his life and he would not just "erase" that like that. Basically, he's saying "I'll do whatever I g*ddamn well please; if you don't like it, f*ck off, b!tch." Now tell me, is that how you want to be treated in a marriage? Most women I know would have put their foot down the first time exactly as you did. Most women I know, would stomped their foot down even harder this time. But you're choosing to let him walk all over you. Yes, that's right - you're choosing to let this happen. You can't control how he behaves, but you can control how you react to it. You're surrendering to him, and to her. Is that what you want? Well, if that is what you want, then there's no need to post here - just go ahead and let nature take it's course. If that's not what you want, then you at least need to fight for what you know is right. He also won't throw out all the old letter and pictures of her she sent him way back when. I love this man, and I don't want to push him away from me by giving him ultimatums that I know for sure he won't stick to. That is terribly disrespectful to you - most women would not tolerate this. Most men would not tolerate this from women. You have to ask yourself why you're tolerating this kind of disrespect. If you have no problems with an open marriage, then let it happen. But if you want his loyalty, then you're going to have to demand it. And if he won't give you his loyalty, then you have to decide what you want to do: a) divorce him and let him screw whoever he wants; or b) stay with him and let him screw whoever he wants. He could be mailing her from his work email that I cannot see from my home computer. Ya think? If I knew for sure if he was only in it for an ego boost, I can let it go and keep the peace. Most men who need ego boosts don't need to jeopardize a relationship with someone they love. This is not just an ego boost. If I knew for sure that there was more to it, then I would probably put my foot down again, even though I don't think I could ever leave him. Well, I think you've pretty much answered your own question, then. You've just said you won't leave him, so I guess you'll tolerate his fooling around. True story, I knew a guy that I had to work with on various matters. Anyway, this guy would go out and screw everything under the sun, and his wife knew about it. In fact, she was at one point one of his mistresses, which is the reason he broke up with his first wife. Now any clear-thinking woman would have said "No way am I marrying you - you're a male whore." But she somehow got it through her head that she was special. So she married him, and what a surprise, he wasted no time philandering. He's been caught multiple times, and every time he promises to quit. Doesn't matter. He's doing who he wants, whenever he wants. She can't stand up to him. She's hoping he'll stop. He hasn't (or at least not the last time I checked). This is what you have to look forward to. Maybe not this extreme, but he's definitely working in that direction as far as his ex is concerned. If he won't listen to you, then your choice is simple: get burned, or get out. He is the love of my life. Our kids would be devastated if their daddy left them. I'm trying to do the right thing for them. Understand something - there are two people in this relationship. It's not just you, it's him, too. You can control you, Elena, but you can't control him. He has to be an adult and act like one. You are responsible for your actions, not his. The way I see it, you have every right as a wife to be treated with respect and to ask him to honor your marriage (not to mention his commitment to the entire family). He is clearly in the wrong here - there's no ambiguity. His actions are tormenting you, and they are jeopardizing the bond of the entire family. Now he may try to blame you for all of this if a separation goes down, but that would not be fair or indicative of the truth. As I see it, he is the one who would be responsible for the dissolution of the marriage. I can understand that you have an extraordinary weight to bear, and I don't envy your position. But you have a right not to be walked on. Standing up for yourself doesn't necessarily mean threatening to divorce him - it doesn't have to go that far, but I think that has to be an option on the table for you at some point; otherwise, you're going to allow him to treat you however he wants, and not only is that not good for you, that's not good for your children to watch, either. They need to know what it means to be a good parent, to be a good husband and wife. If dad's not being a good dad, that's his own tough s***. Kids will eventually become adults and see through the bulls*** anyway, so don't worry about that. Do what you know is right in your heart.
loony Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 He is the love of my life. This statement I find shows perfectly how messed up your relationship and marriage really is. I don't see anything romantic in this statement, because it's onesided. You are not going to tell me that the intensity of your husband's feelings closely resembles yours, your statement therefore tells me there is something unhealthy going on. One person has this highly romantic ideal of her partner, while the other just doesn't feel the same and if he ever felt the same about a person, it was someone else from the past. He may rationalize it now and tell you that it doesn't matter now, but I don't believe it. He would have gone around and tell everybody else how great his ex-girlfriend is, but I wonder if he ever did it with you. If there is such an imbalance in a couple's feelings toward each other, especially when someone is idealizing so much the other, then I assume the marriage can't be perfect. You describe it as perfect, because that's the ideal version of the marriage you are supposed to have, a perfect marriage that reflects the feelings you have for your husband. My belief is that someone who makes such a statement about her partner without her partner feeling the same, does have problems with her perception of her self-worth, meaning the success of the relationship and the love of her partner validate her existence. So much desperation does have to lead to clinginess and neediness and no matter what you are going to tell me here, anybody who can read between the lines sees what is going on. I do think you need to stop looking at your marriage as the perfect bliss in the garden of Eden that the evil serpent from the past is trying to destroy. If your husband's love for you was as strong as you described, you wouldn't have felt the need to destroy the letters from her to you. Destroying them was an act of patronizing, desperation and manipulation and all your reasons why you had to do it and why it made sense only poorly cover the true motivation behind it - desperation and a need to control someone's heart that is trying to escape your control and that you don't possess. I think your problem is that you don't understand your husband at all. You can try to justify your behavior as much as you want, he has a different reality and if you don't manage to connect with him on an honest level you will certainly lose him. I'm sure you are right now feeling the big abyss between you two, the estrangement and the lack of communication. I think the main problem that you need to tackle now is the fact that you are filling a void in your life with this man, the love of your life, who just doesn't feel the same way for you. The justification for your existence is not this relationship or this man who doesn't have the same feelings for you as you for him.
newbby Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 i see where you are coming from elena, you are thinking well, if it is just an affair, like these ow in the forum have or are experiencing, then, it will just be about sex or an ego boost to him and he will get it out of his system and that will be it. thats doesnt always happen though. the other thing is, you have gone your entire marriage knowing that he wanted somebody else, you said back then you wanted to win him no matter what. you are being the same now. doesnt it matter to you, whether he loves you more than anybody else?
newbby Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 i didnt read your last post, sorry. i still think you are focussing on the wrong person though. she would not be hanging around for no reason, ow seldom do. he is giving her some indication that he is not happy with you and that he regrets things not working out with them. i may hold a different opinion than the other people here, but it seems to me that he is trying to steer the situation towards a sexual affair rather than anything else. i dont really get that he is still in love with her. he sounds like alot of mm, using her loneliness to try and get a little extra marital sex and ego boosting. it doesnt mean it wont develop though, especially he she is a long lost love. i feel sorry for her. feel sorry for him too and also you. he sounds like a typical mm, you sound like a typical wife, and she sounds like a typical ow. so wait it out then, but dont blame anybody else for your unhappiness if you do. you know what is going on. once you know what is going on then you have to have the courage to deal with it. what do you think keeping quiet will accomplish, really? you have no way of knowing what the outcome of their relationship will be and if you read any plans of theirs to meet up, how will you be able to handle that? although i dont entirely agree with emj's post, i do agree that it seems as though you are only interested in winning. it seems all so calculated somehow, even though he is sneaking around, well, you are too. do you believe that you and your husband have real love between you?
Malifecent Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Elena, if you are snooping you can only see what goes on from your home computer....you don't know what he's saying to her from work or his cell phone. Chances are if he knows you snoop, he's a little more discreet at home. Also don't let this forum lead you to believe that all MM stay with their wives. They don't. Even with children. Most of the time people come here for advice when their relationships/affairs are down because things arent going as they had hoped. I don't think this forum reflects the number of OW/OM that actually get together with their MM.....because I don't think satisfied/happy OW/OM post for advise or support....just my thoughts to let you know your marriage may not be as safe as you think...even if you dont confront him.
tinktronik Posted January 5, 2006 Posted January 5, 2006 Elana, Its time to get your ducks in a row..... Do something for yourself, I was too married to military and know many many people who have been in the same situation as you. No more staying home with the kids ,get something for yourself to do ,jobwise, dont wait for your H to leave , be prepared.Three years is a long time to fool around with this. Your a Military wife , Im sure youve seen the result of all the transfers, deployments, young marriges, and marrige due to pregnancy.Lots of chaos in this lifestyle.Is this an acceptable life for you? Work for your own life , not your marrige, yourself and your children's lives , b/c that is obviously not what is on your H agenda. If you make that your first priority , you can't go wrong. Get evidence of his E affair, work at least 6 months , and then quit or get fired , make sure you have access to bank accounts so that you can access an attorney if needed .If you havent worked you can get spousal and childsupport after 6 months of no employment. This is not legal advise , but I know from experience what the wrong steps are so I've been educated as to the right ones. Put yourself first, I know the pull is to put the family first, but in this situation , you arent both in the same boat (he dosent have that agenda ) so its up to you to decide who is important , and who is in the Families boat.You and your 2 children.Protect well. Good luck, and honey make the right choices , for you .
Sami_D Posted January 9, 2006 Posted January 9, 2006 If you're hoping whether it will all fizzle out because 'MM never get together with OW'... then I have to agree with those who have said that that isn't always the outcome. You have to ask yourself what will happen when the children are grown up. When he won't look like 'the bad guy' for walking out on young children. The last post of 2004 on this thread asked what else was going on in your marriage, and I think that's by far the most important thing here. The OW MAY become largely an irrelevance IF your M is a good one. How is your R with this man generally? I really think you need to focus on saving your R with your H before it's (possibly) too late. (yes, I am an OW)
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