What_Next Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 What_Next I am not a religous man or into praying, but for you I will say a few prayers, from someone who has been there and has the t-shirt. Thanks ComputerJock, we could use any help we can get. Owl, very good post, I will add that often a PA is the secondary component of a EA. Of course with a ONS style being the exception to that. Therefore, you are left to deal with BOTH sets of images. That is definitely the case for me as my wife "found" her AP online and it began as an EA only, fairly quickly progressing into a PA. You did mention you had a good foundation to build upon Owl, and that is fantastic, but if you had a good foundation why the EA? In my case I don't believe there was a good "foundation" as such because we were BOTH really unhappy in our marriage and in our lives in general. My wife decided to make the stupid decision of an affair and I made my own stupid decisions to deal with that unhappiness. So for us there isn't necessarily a solid foundation as such, perhaps the history alone is enough to build from (we've know each other since we were teenagers). Also though that works against us in some ways because of all the baggage. Like you have pointed out though Owl, I really could care less about what others have done, or what has happened in someone else's marriage. It might serve as fodder or perhaps an object lesson, but each and every situation is different. Right now, I don't look into the future and see us together, in fact I rarely look into the future at all. Perhaps it's because I have 1 foot in the past; not sure. I look at the here and the now. That's all I can do for the time being.
carhill Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 OP, try reading this thread. Then, search postings by her husband and see what insight you can gain. AFAIK, their M is in recovery. Anything is possible. It takes both partners wanting recovery to be possible and working towards that goal together. If you need help with that, get it, meaning professional counseling. Good luck
Owl Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Thanks ComputerJock, we could use any help we can get. Owl, very good post, I will add that often a PA is the secondary component of a EA. Of course with a ONS style being the exception to that. Therefore, you are left to deal with BOTH sets of images. That is definitely the case for me as my wife "found" her AP online and it began as an EA only, fairly quickly progressing into a PA. Agreed. My wife met OM online, and they were planning on meeting, so it would have followed the naturual progression to a PA then. You did mention you had a good foundation to build upon Owl, and that is fantastic, but if you had a good foundation why the EA? In my case I don't believe there was a good "foundation" as such because we were BOTH really unhappy in our marriage and in our lives in general. My wife decided to make the stupid decision of an affair and I made my own stupid decisions to deal with that unhappiness. So for us there isn't necessarily a solid foundation as such, perhaps the history alone is enough to build from (we've know each other since we were teenagers). Also though that works against us in some ways because of all the baggage. We had years of excellent marriage prior to her EA. That last year leading up to her EA things totally tanked. She broke her leg, lost her job, became depressed, refused to see the doctor for her depression. She also became addicted to online gaming at that point as well. All of this led to a lot of alienation and issues between her and I...and between her and the kids as well. All of this set the stage for her EA. Like you have pointed out though Owl, I really could care less about what others have done, or what has happened in someone else's marriage. It might serve as fodder or perhaps an object lesson, but each and every situation is different. Right now, I don't look into the future and see us together, in fact I rarely look into the future at all. Perhaps it's because I have 1 foot in the past; not sure. I look at the here and the now. That's all I can do for the time being.
anne1707 Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 OP, try reading this thread. Then, search postings by her husband and see what insight you can gain. AFAIK, their M is in recovery. Anything is possible. It takes both partners wanting recovery to be possible and working towards that goal together. If you need help with that, get it, meaning professional counseling. Good luck Yes, still in recovery Carhill - it takes a long time and I know our recovery has been hampered because I still work with the ex-OM but we are doing good . It is possible to recover a marriage but it takes more hard work than you can imagine until you are faced with the situation. You both need to be strong and fully committed to the process. Counselling was crucial to our recovery (IC for me, MC for us together) to provide a safe environment to talk and find out how we felt and what we wanted. I will also add that just a couple of weeks ago I read through some of the threads I started here on LS in the immediate aftermath of Dday. It all felt quite weird because compared to where I am now, it was like a stranger had made those posts. Life has moved on so much for me and I am well and truly out of that mess.
Memphis Raines Posted April 8, 2011 Posted April 8, 2011 Hi, I am so scare of posting but I really need some one opinion on what i am going thru. I made a terrible mistake 3 and almost going on 4 yrs. I have been married for 3 yrs when I cheated on my husband with my ex-boss and have always regret it. I end up quitting my job due to the fact that I could not stop what i had already started. on sept on last year I decided to tell my husband and as it is suppost to be i broke his heart. our marriage had been good but i could not live with the guilt of hiding something so big from my hb. How can i convince my hb that it has already ended since 3 yrs ago? how can i gain his trust? I love this family so much and i do not want to loose my hb. my husband asked me alls kinds of questions that i refuse to answer by eventually i end up answering anyways, exect for some that i feel is not healthty to say. ex. he asked me why did i do it? I honestly cant tell him straight out that my sex needs were not been satisfied so i just keep on telling him that he had nothing to do with me making that decision. on the other hand he tells me that it is hard for him to deal with the idea that i rejected him many time only to find out that i was having sex with the om. Now, our sex life has improved so much but he keeps torturing himself with "what if questions" ex. if i had not gotten better would you still be with him? off course not, i will not b'se i ended the relashion with the om since 3 yrs ago. any how, i dont know how to gain back his trust, I dont talk to the om, nor email, test or any kind of communication. Please give some ideas. basically you have mentally abused your husband. aside from therapy, there isn't anything YOU can do. you are not the woman he thought he married.
Flgirl44 Posted April 9, 2011 Posted April 9, 2011 You need to realize the character faults in yourself that lead this to happen. You seem to victimize yourself but do nothing constructive to fix said things. Cheaters often victimize themselves to justify their actions. Even how you are pleading and desperate for him to trust you because it was three years ago screams "wah wah victim" to me. Own up. You made the bed you lay in seriously. Also, you are selfish. That is a fact. I counted how many times you said "I" in your paragraph-------around 29 times. For reference, I counted how many times you said "him"---only 6. "I felt guilty, I felt the sex wasn't there, I feel its not healthy to answer said questions, I don't want to lose my family....etc..." Not once did you mention how your husband is feeling, only that he is nagging you with questions. You don't feel bad for doing it. You feel guilty, sure, you feel like you want your family together and dont want to lose your hb, but don't kid yourself into thinking you're genuine care or love is what is bringing you back. Acting like that to a person you've cheated on is actually insulting once you've gone that far. I would recommend you go to therapy by yourself to iron that all out. Good luck.
Author sweetlife Posted May 6, 2011 Author Posted May 6, 2011 You seem to victimize yourself but do nothing constructive to fix said things. Cheaters often victimize themselves to justify their actions. ************************************************************** yes, i do wrote a lot of times "I", it is not my intention to selfcenter and get you or any one here the impresion that i am selfcenter. see, i find myself writting again: I , I, I, . you are right I am selfish, i own my accions accepting that and writting it here does not help my husband a bit. what will be a constructive thing to help my H. heal from this?. several times in different threats here, I have read that we WS dont deserve a change, that we cant do much. my H is a loving caring person and i recognize that he deserves a much better person. but see, a lot of you here will consider that i'm victimizing myself. I am not looking for any pitty. He tells me that he loves me and that he does not want to loose me and I love him too very much, everyone here dought that I love him, and i understand, he does not or so he has told me . I dont even know why i keep coming back to read or even post on this forum, I guess...but i find it very depressing to read stories of people going to what my H and I are going thr. and in a way it help me realize/understand all the pain i have cause. not that i did not but in my head was this idea that b'se it happen 3 yrs ago it would not be so painfull. a lot of you in here have help me realize that time does not matter it hurt the same or even more. I have a questions, if H. has told me that he does not want to loose me but on the other hand i see that i dont make him happy. I've been thinking of leaving the house and give him some time and space to think of what he wants to do.? will that be wise, I dont know but give me some input. I migh be completely stupid if I do that
TMCM Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 (edited) how can i gain his trust?My husband asked me alls kinds of questions that i refuse to answer by eventually i end up answering anyways, exect for some that i feel is not healthty to say. ex. he asked me why did i do it?I honestly cant tell him straight out that my sex needs were not been satisfied so i just keep on telling him that he had nothing to do with me making that decision. So you don't trust your husband with the truth? Why then do you expect him to trust your words? on the other hand he tells me that it is hard for him to deal with the idea that i rejected him many time only to find out that i was having sex with the om. Please give some ideas. Here are some ideas for you to consider. Why did you sexually reject your husband? What is it because of the guilt you felt because of your betrayal that you felt you could not stand having sex with your husband? If this is truly the case why hide it from him? At the risk of being labeled a sexist, you are acting just like a typical woman ashamed of her sexual needs. So be honest here for a moment, was there something that the OM did that your husband wasn't doing that caused you to have sex with him? or was it the lack of self validation that cause you to be open to another man who found you sexually desirable? Wives may have a mind blowing orgasm with a man who is not their husband, but how are you - as a woman - explain that an orgasm with the OM means anything more? Until you can answer these questions to yourself and your husband satisfaction, you will continually keep on posting to strangers to decipher what is the viability of your marriage. If I was your husband you can be certain that I would very much like the answer to these questions. I truly wish nothing but the best for you and your husband. Edited May 7, 2011 by TMCM eta
TMCM Posted May 7, 2011 Posted May 7, 2011 I have a questions, if H. has told me that he does not want to loose me but on the other hand i see that i dont make him happy. I've been thinking of leaving the house and give him some time and space to think of what he wants to do.? will that be wise, I dont know but give me some input. I migh be completely stupid if I do that Have you asked him? It is important that you convey to him that you don't want to loose him either but that you love him enough to grant him a divorce if that is what it takes to help him heal from your affair and mean it Keep in mind that you've had 3 years trying to recover from your affair but for him it's as though this happened yesterday. Somewhere I read that it can take anywhere from 2 to 5 years for a betrayed spouse to emotionally heal from the trauma of infidelity. I wish you and your husband the best.
y2k Posted May 8, 2011 Posted May 8, 2011 Is it possible to have a healthy marriage after cheating One word answer: NO The need to discuss it is NONE.
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