Is it possible to have a healthy marriage after cheating

March 17, 2011

Hi,

I am so scare of posting but I really need some one opinion on what i am going thru. I made a terrible mistake 3 and almost going on 4 yrs. I have been married for 3 yrs when I cheated on my husband with my ex-boss and have always regret it. I end up quitting my job due to the fact that I could not stop what i had already started. on sept on last year I decided to tell my husband and as it is suppost to be i broke his heart. our marriage had been good but i could not live with the guilt of hiding something so big from my hb.

How can i convince my hb that it has already ended since 3 yrs ago? how can i gain his trust? I love this family so much and i do not want to loose my hb. my husband asked me alls kinds of questions that i refuse to answer by eventually i end up answering anyways, exect for some that i feel is not healthty to say. ex. he asked me why did i do it? I honestly cant tell him straight out that my sex needs were not been satisfied so i just keep on telling him that he had nothing to do with me making that decision. on the other hand he tells me that it is hard for him to deal with the idea that i rejected him many time only to find out that i was having sex with the om.

Now, our sex life has improved so much but he keeps torturing himself with "what if questions" ex. if i had not gotten better would you still be with him? off course not, i will not b'se i ended the relashion with the om since 3 yrs ago. any how, i dont know how to gain back his trust, I dont talk to the om, nor email, test or any kind of communication.

Please give some ideas.

March 17, 2011

Hi,

I am so scare of posting but I really need some one opinion on what i am going thru. I made a terrible mistake 3 and almost going on 4 yrs. I have been married for 3 yrs when I cheated on my husband with my ex-boss and have always regret it. I end up quitting my job due to the fact that I could not stop what i had already started. on sept on last year I decided to tell my husband and as it is suppost to be i broke his heart. our marriage had been good but i could not live with the guilt of hiding something so big from my hb.
How can i convince my hb that it has already ended since 3 yrs ago? how can i gain his trust? I love this family so much and i do not want to loose my hb. my husband asked me alls kinds of questions that i refuse to answer by eventually i end up answering anyways, exect for some that i feel is not healthty to say. ex. he asked me why did i do it? I honestly cant tell him straight out that my sex needs were not been satisfied so i just keep on telling him that he had nothing to do with me making that decision. on the other hand he tells me that it is hard for him to deal with the idea that i rejected him many time only to find out that i was having sex with the om.
Now, our sex life has improved so much but he keeps torturing himself with "what if questions" ex. if i had not gotten better would you still be with him? off course not, i will not b'se i ended the relashion with the om since 3 yrs ago. any how, i dont know how to gain back his trust, I dont talk to the om, nor email, test or any kind of communication.

Please give some ideas.

I got one big idea. Divorce the man. You've been disrespectful to him and gaslighted him, and refused to answer all of his questions honestly. You could have prevented all of this drama by coming to him about your problems with him sexually instead of being selfish and making it all about you. And your sex life was not to be based on strictly his performance.

And three years out is not really a long time, and with your continued disrespect, no wonder why he's still having a tough time.

March 17, 2011

Sweetlife, you keep answering each and every question he asks, truthfully, each and every time until he feels he has all the answers. The reason he keeps asking is because he cannot get his head around the Why. Until this is answered to his satisfaction, you will keep getting the questions. I understand that you think by not telling him the truth you are sparing his feelings, but to be honest, it isn't your decision what he can or cannot handle. A's rob BS of choice, they introduce conditions into a marriage that were not part of the deal, but of course you know that, the reason I say this, is that the need to know, to understand is taking back that control over their actions.

Trickle truth, the slow drip, drip of getting it all is so destructive, it's like OK I have processed that, I get that, I can live with that and then out of nowhere nothing adds up, and so it is difficult to file it under I don't need to ask that again.

I will add that a poor sex life is never the fault of one person, I can understand that if sex was the reason to have an A that your H will feel at fault, we all do, he might have felt that sex was not all that - it is how people deal with that, if we all went and had A's everytime something didn't add up, we would all be having A's. To reconcile takes hard work from both of you, it takes truth from you and at some point, it takes you both to draw new lines in the sand. It is possible to have a healthy marriage. I hope you and your H can find this, have you tried MC? Read letter to a Wayward Spouse which explains beautifully the need for disclosure.

March 26, 2011

i read a lot thr. these posts b'se i really need to find ways to inproved my marriage and to not do things that others have found not helpfull so i wont make the same mistakes. thank you everyone!!! from what i have read people post only when we have problems but not the other way around if thing inproved. I want to say that i was very afraid that things were not working for us but I finally see the light in the tunel. it is been at least 3 weeks that my husbend and i have not discuss anything related to the A. it feels wonderful and i can say to those people that are still going to raught times that it will get better. What i am so afraid of is that if my H is just keeping his pain to himself. it does not seem like it but if any BS here have been hiding their real feeling for the A how can i recognize it and help my H. to be open about it. I admit that i was not helpfull at the begining but it breaks my heart to read stories of people that just bottle things up, I do not want my H. to hond that

March 26, 2011

Be honest. As much as it's going to hurt your hubby, it's the only way to give him the answers he needs.

My husband had an EA with my best friend and in order for me to start healing and stay to work on our marriage, I had to know everything. It hurt, and it still hurts sometimes to think about, but it gave me the materials I needed to move on with our marriage.

Give him time too, don't push him and be understanding of the roller coaster of emotions he's going to feel, because he's going to feel a lot of them. Just give him the time he needs. There is no deadline on healing from this, for not just him, but you too.

Best of luck to you.

March 26, 2011

i read a lot thr. these posts b'se i really need to find ways to inproved my marriage and to not do things that others have found not helpfull so i wont make the same mistakes. thank you everyone!!! from what i have read people post only when we have problems but not the other way around if thing inproved. I want to say that i was very afraid that things were not working for us but I finally see the light in the tunel. it is been at least 3 weeks that my husbend and i have not discuss anything related to the A. it feels wonderful and i can say to those people that are still going to raught times that it will get better. What i am so afraid of is that if my H is just keeping his pain to himself. it does not seem like it but if any BS here have been hiding their real feeling for the A how can i recognize it and help my H. to be open about it. I admit that i was not helpfull at the begining but it breaks my heart to read stories of people that just bottle things up, I do not want my H. to hond that

You cant work on your marriage successfully until you tell him the absolute truth. he is still living in a complete lie, and you are confusing him.

You have to tell him that your sex needs arent bieng satisfied so he can at least try to improve if he wants to. Now if you think that he will give up on you after you tell him that, then you have to live with it. This was something you were supposed to establish before you got married. You thought you could live with it and you couldnt, and you wound up cheating.

Tell him what you need sexually so he can try to do what you need, you might be surprised at the results. he will also feel alot better that he will know he has a chance to keep you from cheating again, and most importantly, he will trust you faster if you tell the absolute truth.

Im sure he senses you arent being honest and will never fully trust you again. You wanna live with that?

March 26, 2011

You cant work on your marriage successfully until you tell him the absolute truth. he is still living in a complete lie, and you are confusing him.

You have to tell him that your sex needs arent bieng satisfied so he can at least try to improve if he wants to. Now if you think that he will give up on you after you tell him that, then you have to live with it. This was something you were supposed to establish before you got married. You thought you could live with it and you couldnt, and you wound up cheating.

Tell him what you need sexually so he can try to do what you need, you might be surprised at the results. he will also feel alot better that he will know he has a chance to keep you from cheating again, and most importantly, he will trust you faster if you tell the absolute truth.

Im sure he senses you arent being honest and will never fully trust you again. You wanna live with that?

She needs to keep herself from cheating. That is in no way his job. If she had a problem sexually then she should've dealt with it instead of cheating and continuing to hold the truth from him. Can't work on the marriage until she tells the full truth and be completely remorseful.

March 27, 2011

Hi Sweetlife,

Hope I can help. My relationship survived multiple infidelities on my boyfriend's part. It has been a year since Dday, and we are stronger than ever, but it was a rough road. Some days it still is.

What your H is feeling: insecure, worthless, wondering what he did wrong, wondering why he wasn't good enough, wondering if you'll do it again, etc... the mental torture of being cheated on is brutal.

Seren as usual had amazing advice. What worked for us was A LOT of communication and counseling. He gave me full and complete access to phone records, credit card statements, email and computers and anything else I asked. He told me where he was at all times. If he wanted to go out, he called when he got there, while he was there, and when he left. He reassured me constantly that he still wanted me and only me. He let me know that he truly understood (to the best of his ability) how badly he had hurt me.

When we have been cheated on, a burning desire to know ALL the details is common - there are a lot of threads about it. I couldn't rest until I knew every detail. For me, it was very important to know where I was and what I was doing while he was cheating on me. The truth hurt so bad, but in the end I am glad I know. So I do understand why your hubby keeps asking those questions.

A final piece of advice - if you are still unhappy with your sex life, you have to be honest, but in a tasteful way obvious (yeah I walked right into a sick joke there lol). There are tons of things you can try, and most men respond pretty well to different suggestions and trying new things. I guarantee you the people over on the sex forum can help with suggestions in that department

I wish you luck. Keep posting and asking questions, the people here are really helpful.

March 27, 2011

What is your view of a healthy marriage?

When you live with one person day after day and year after year, it becomes familial in a way. Think of any person-roommate, sister, brother, family that you live with. It is comforting, yet aomewhat tense in a sexual way.

The dynamics of romance change in every couple. The couple have to make an effort to progress to another level. An affair affords the cheating spouse to experience the dating/falling in love phase for an extended amount of time, while having the backup plan (you) to provide the home life, financial stability, and image that we all need.

In other words, they play while you pay. Where else would a cheater get a free babysitter while they go off to have fun? Or the funds to provide a weekend away while a spouse toils to provide?

Let's face it-it was fun to be young and to date, all the while being able to go back to our parents house whenever we wanted, knowing that there will always be cereal in the cupboard to eat in the morning, or we can always stay out late and no matter what, mom or dad would always leave a light on and take care of the kids (if you were a teen parent).

Those carefree days end when you get married and have a family; but some want to experience that all over again...and again...and again...

Sometimes, you can get the trust back. I have been lucky. My husband and I have both dated our share and found that the grass is not greener. Others are still feling their oats.

Make a list-positives and negatives of your marriage. Then look through them together, and determine what you can work on, and what you can't.

March 28, 2011

Your husband is NOT going to forgive and forget this thing you did in 2 weeks time. I don't believe any man ever truly forgives or forgets and he continues to torture himself with visions of you and the om. He will hate you forever and you will hate him for not "getting over it" and you will both be miserable. You probably cannot just make him leave but you can contact a lawyer and begin divorce proceedings and you should do so as soon as possible. Your marriage is over and the sooner you understand that the sooner you can both start over and have a chance for happiness.

I'm not being cruel here, just honest based on my own experience. Don't waste any more of your life and cause further hurt to yourself, your children and your husband.

March 28, 2011

Obviously everyone here is giving you answers based on their own experience.

I say - It's possible & then some. My husband does not hate me at all. As a matter of fact we are very much in love. He has 'forgiven & forgotten' - there are still people in this world that can do that.

Give him the time he needs. The cards right now are in his hands. Answer all questions & (sounds flip) but hope for the best - because the Best can happen. It's happened to more than just me on this site. Others will post they have happy healthy marriages now as well.

March 28, 2011

Hi,

I am so scare of posting but I really need some one opinion on what i am going thru. I made a terrible mistake 3 and almost going on 4 yrs. I have been married for 3 yrs when I cheated on my husband with my ex-boss and have always regret it. I end up quitting my job due to the fact that I could not stop what i had already started. on sept on last year I decided to tell my husband and as it is suppost to be i broke his heart. our marriage had been good but i could not live with the guilt of hiding something so big from my hb.
How can i convince my hb that it has already ended since 3 yrs ago? how can i gain his trust? I love this family so much and i do not want to loose my hb. my husband asked me alls kinds of questions that i refuse to answer by eventually i end up answering anyways, exect for some that i feel is not healthty to say. ex. he asked me why did i do it? I honestly cant tell him straight out that my sex needs were not been satisfied so i just keep on telling him that he had nothing to do with me making that decision. on the other hand he tells me that it is hard for him to deal with the idea that i rejected him many time only to find out that i was having sex with the om.
Now, our sex life has improved so much but he keeps torturing himself with "what if questions" ex. if i had not gotten better would you still be with him? off course not, i will not b'se i ended the relashion with the om since 3 yrs ago. any how, i dont know how to gain back his trust, I dont talk to the om, nor email, test or any kind of communication.

Please give some ideas.

I have only read your posts so forgive me if these things have already been said.

1) Tell him what he needs when he asks. If you keep trickle truthing him and hiding things he is going to grow to hate you.

2) You regain trust by telling him all the truth and being accountable for the actions no matter when they happened. For you it may have been 3 years ago, for him it happened the day you told him.

3) You don't get to decide what is healthy for him to hear...he does. He asks you=you answer honestly and completely.

4)Again you tell him everything openly and honestly without hesitation or sugar coating. That includes he didn't sexually satisfy you. And any other issues you have in the marriage.

5)He isn't torturing himself, what you did is torturing him and you need to look at him and deal with the aftermath(without abuse on either of your parts), but deal.

6) If you want your husband you need to deal with this is a long haul proposition(can be up to 5 years with hard work) and you still may end up divorces. You have no guarantees that you he will stay even if you do everything perfectly. And that is his right..

There are a couple of things in your favor;

1) you told him first

2) you had already quit your job and had no contact with your AP.

March 28, 2011

my husband asked me alls kinds of questions that i refuse to answer by eventually i end up answering anyways, exect for some that i feel is not healthty to say.

This is one of the problems, right here. And to answer the question you posed in the title of the thread, no -- it's not possible, as long as the above continues to be your attitude.

As the one who cheated, by default you're a remarkably poor judge of what information your betrayed husband should have and what questions are or aren't "healthy". By not answering his questions, you're still keeping secrets from him.

I strongly doubt that the questions you're refusing to answer are "unhealthy". They're probably just uncomfortable and embarassing for you to have to answer.

If you actually want to have a shot at fixing your marriage, you better change your tune and give him all the information he requires. Until then, your marriage doesn't have a chance and you may as well divorce now.

March 28, 2011

Got a lot of bitter and angry people here

Broken trust is a hard thing to establish and it will probably take time to even get close to half of what's been lost. How serious you are about saving your marriage and doing what's right depends on how much you are truly willing to invest in repairing this, and that will mean answering all questions honestly and that will mean when the times get tough sticking it out and trying to be there for your husband without blaming him for not trying to forgive or feeling its time he forgets what happens and moves on.

There will always be questions, yet it only takes a second for him to look at you and see the person who betrayed him and the hurt becomes fresh again.

You waited a long time to tell him the truth, you obviously lied before that, he's replaying various scenerios in his head, remembering how you were, what you said and how you acted, just because you tell him the truth now is going to mean he will instantly forgive and forget.

If you love your family and your husband, then it can only be achieved from this moment forth through your actions and attitude. By being strong for him and yourself. By forgiving yourself and with time hopefully he'll forgive you. By showing him how much you love him. Good luck to you.

March 28, 2011

i will not b'se i ended the relashion with the om since 3 yrs ago. any how, i dont know how to gain back his trust, I dont talk to the om, nor email, test or any kind of communication.

Please give some ideas.

Sweetlife... if you want him to trust you again, you must be 100% open and honest. That means all kinds of crazy stuff. Giving him access to ALL emails and passwords, constantly letting him know where your at... ect.

Basically you must give up all privacy for several years.

Trust isn't the only thing though... it's actually the smaller part of the damage you have caused. You also must make him feel like you value, respect, and adore him. I don't know how you do that.

March 28, 2011

since the 1st day i posted here, I told my H the real reason for the A. He told me that he already knew it but he wanted me to say it. We both are very religious people and what i can say is that praying has really helps us a lot. I feel very bad for my doings and wish i could just let him go and be happy with some one that wont cheat. l do not deserve to have a H. like him and i know it. as i said on the last post, we have not had any heatted conversation at all since 2 weeks ago, it is a big improvement for us. I am so willing to make him feel the love i have for him and he is letting me. the sex is been good for a long time but since the day i told him has been even better, well it is been excellent. Thank you all for your comments. some of you give me a lot of hope for gaining back his trust while other none at all but thank you any ways b'se this way i know what my husband might have in his head.

March 28, 2011

since the 1st day i posted here, I told my H the real reason for the A. He told me that he already knew it but he wanted me to say it. We both are very religious people and what i can say is that praying has really helps us a lot. I feel very bad for my doings and wish i could just let him go and be happy with some one that wont cheat. l do not deserve to have a H. like him and i know it. as i said on the last post, we have not had any heatted conversation at all since 2 weeks ago, it is a big improvement for us. I am so willing to make him feel the love i have for him and he is letting me. the sex is been good for a long time but since the day i told him has been even better, well it is been excellent. Thank you all for your comments. some of you give me a lot of hope for gaining back his trust while other none at all but thank you any ways b'se this way i know what my husband might have in his head.

You're refusing to recognize that these issues is not just about him doing you good in the bed.

April 7, 2011

seeking for the all the help possible, i keep reading different post here but I find out that some people here are very judgefull and feel sorry that make very unhelpfull comments. it almost seem as if they hate and judge everyone for what happen to them. I just want to say to WIY, I will always regret what i did and there is no day that go thru. with out me thinking the bad person I am and how other people are so much better then me b/c of what I did. you said on other post (I am have not been remorsefull for 3 yrs). for those 3 yrs it was hell and it is still at times. as i mention before I am a big believer of a higher being and knowing what I had done make me pull away from the only person that really understands our needs and falls. I take prayers very serious and for some one here to say that i dont really insults me but then again what am i worth? to the eyes of those who judge lightly i am worth nothing but what keeps me going is the faith I have and the hope that I keep that my marriage will survive with happiness in it. I cried so much for what I have done and if could change things(the cheat) i would. all I can do now is show my love for the person that matter to me most and help him see in me that i will NEVER cheat again.

Thank you all for your comments.

I have a question and will really appreciate your comments, is there any bs males that can say they have really have a happy marriage after the A?

April 7, 2011

I have a question and will really appreciate your comments, is there any bs males that can say they have really have a happy marriage after the A?

Here? Owl is one who comes to mind but its been a while since I've seen him post.

You might want to consider going over to survivinginfidelity.com where they have different forums and quite a few BH who state they and their WW have rebuilt their marriages.

I wish you and your H all the best.

April 7, 2011

Owl's wife had a Emotional Affair, I don't know of anyone who has reconciled with cheating spouse who had physical affair, does anyone? I think What_Next is still working on his, but infidelity can destroy a marriage years down the road and the BS will always have triggers that bring back the pain and hurt and horrible memories of cheating spouse with the other person.

April 7, 2011

I think it is possible! And the marriage can be better. It can never go back to what it was before, and honestly, would you want to go back to a marriage or relationship that was lacking??

When I met my now H, I gave him the blind childlike trust that had been ripped away from me by my marriage at age 18 to a dirty 30 year old serial cheater, and a LTR to an opportunistic cheater. Everything about my H screamed to me "you can trust this one, he will never hurt you".

That is where I was immature and wrong. I beleived "love" was some ethereal state that morphed into greatness all on its own; that the power of our initial attraction and our shared sacrifices would be enough to sustain us through the ages. My bad for beleiving in the hollywood love stories that permeated my youth.

I never allowed for humanity to play any part. My H did though; he actually never gave me "blind trust", always assumed that I'd be on the loook out for something better. I never really gave him cause for this feeling, but he came into our R with it. But he treated me like a queen and was so loving, I never saw the red flags he waved:

1. Talking about his past M and relationships early on, and blaming the women for the demise of the R. Never took responsibility for any faults; if he did, he minimized them.

2. Passive-Agressive tendencies; gave the silent treatment if I said something that he did not like-kept me guessing "what did I do?" also conflict avoider (major).

3. Always being competitive with me in areas of education, finances, lifestyle....even to the point of lying to others about things that I knew did not occur the way he said, always making me feel like a failure. He would reframe it as "inspiring me".

Thank God he has done the work and reached the point where he is able to be a healthy member of our marriage. I have also done the work and it is such a good feeling to me that we are with each other not because of kids or finances or guilt or any other myriad of stupid reasons we hear about. WE are together because we want to build a future together.

My husband's affair was a EA/PA withhis friends sister whom he knew even before he re-met me. She was at a vulnerable point in her life, and our R was lacking. Her brother facilitated it and begged my H to:

loan her (my) money

go see her and wine and dine her

send her encouraging e-mails

go to court for her

he and the friend were involved in a fraternal org that encourages brotherly support. The friend used this to manipulate my H. H is a grown man though, and he made a choice. He now sees that, and this friend is no longer a part of our life (or for that matter, the organization, and he's burned so many people that he's done in this neck of the woods.)

We learned a life lesson the hard way. I still have days where I am angry with him, but its no more significant than if I were angry at him for forgetting to let the cat out, or to send his Mom flowers for Mother's Day. It was, as he says "A bump in the road" for us.

I hope my reply helped you in some way. My H did open an account here some time ago, but to my knowledge, has never posted. Hopefully he will one day to provide a look at the other half.

April 7, 2011

I will answer the original question.

Yes, it's possible to have a healthy marriage past infidelity. I'm certain of it. Otherwise I would not still be in my marriage.

However, one must let go of the idea it can be the same marriage it was before the infidelity. It can't be.

Actually I sort of equate it to having a limb maimed. Can you still have a happy life? Sure you can. But not without a ton of adjustments. You are not the same person after infidelity, it rocks your perspective of yourself and that of everyone around you who knows about what happened. It just does.

But, yes, I believe it is possible and I still have visions of holding my husband's very old hand someday.

However, I'm not there yet.

April 7, 2011

I think What_Next is still working on his, but infidelity can destroy a marriage years down the road and the BS will always have triggers that bring back the pain and hurt and horrible memories of cheating spouse with the other person.

ComputerJock is correct, however there is a second aspect to my situation, and that is in the immeadiate aftermath of D-day I started 'dating' and got involved with someone. It was a thinly veiled revenge affair.

I 100% agree that the marriage can NEVER go back to the way it was before the affair. It simply cannot. In my case I wouldn't want that anyway since NEITHER of us were happy.

I wish I could say with complete confidence that a marriage can be stronger and better after an affair from personal experience. I simply cannot at this point, it's far too early for me to say that. I can say that I hope so and I am going to give it a shot. Those painful memories for BOTH of us will last for years, but I hope and pray in time they will fade.

Good thread, evokes powerful emotions from all angles.

April 8, 2011

What_Next I am not a religous man or into praying, but for you I will say a few prayers, from someone who has been there and has the t-shirt.

April 8, 2011

I think that there are advantages and disadvantages to dealing with either type of affair when you're attempting to reconcile.

I've seen both types of affairs recover and rebuild awesome marriages after the affair.

I've seen both types fail as well.

My wife's affair was "EA only". The good? I didn't have to deal with the "mental images" as part of my recovery. The bad? The "fantasy" portion of the affair on her part was off the charts. It's far, far harder to compete with a fantasy than it is with reality.

Dealing with a PA is the opposite. There's a lot less "fantasy factor" when they've actually interacted on that level. The affair partner is given a lot more chance to actually show that they're a human being with human....issues. The downside is that the BS has to personally forgive both aspects, rather than one or the other.

It's possible to do.

As I've said, I've seen marriages recover from either type of affair. My own is awesome...but we also had a wonderful foundation to rebuild from too.

My suggestion to most people would be to not worry about whether or not other's have rebuilt theirs...figure out what needs to happen to try to rebuild yours...and see if that's possible or not.

It's not always possible to recover from every situation...I will be the first to point that out.

But it's not impossible to do so in all situations either.

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Is it possible to have a healthy marriage after cheating

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