Bad news yesterday, wife messed up

[KeyBiscayne]

just how far of a reach does that arm of yours have in an effort to excuse what she did?

 

Even though I'll never stay with someone who cheated, he is in a tough spot with kids and all(even though staying for the kids IMO is not a good reason).

 

but he does need to let her know how angry he is over all of this and that she has given him a scar for the rest of his life and something to occupy his mind about her from time to time.

 

“Just how far of a reach does that arm of yours have????????” I guess you missed the OVERRIDING point I was trying to make.

 

My point was, It seems odd to me that a man is asking for advice after just finding out something very painful. He has given us minimal information about himself, his wife, his marriage or the details of the incident. Was she drunk? Was it his best friend? Had he had any indiscretions that she was reacting to? That would certainly not make her actions right, but it would help me in giving advice. Life is very colorful. You never know what someone’s situation is. And I am not so arrogant as to assume that I do. Therefore I ask.

 

When I make a decision, I like to know as many details as possible, so I can give sound, thoughtful advice. I guess I’m weird that way.

 

“DUMP THE BITCH” as a retort when we nothing and when children are involved, does not seem very helpful.

 

On a parting note. My example might seem outlandish to you, but there are many people who are either functional or full blown drug users or alcoholics and have a host of other issues that they are either dealing with or have overcome. They might also be dealing with infidelity. And when I say many people…I mean rich, poor and in-between.

 

In a past situation we dealt with “a significant other had exactly this type of problem and I know that it was the Elephant in the room and affected every aspect of his life and decision-making. He did not want to get help however. And I was not waiting around.

 

Once again there was a point I was making, but you can choose to completely overlook it if you wish.

Edited March 17, 2011 by KeyBiscayne

[KeyBiscayne]

just how far of a reach does that arm of yours have in an effort to excuse what she did?

 

Even though I'll never stay with someone who cheated, he is in a tough spot with kids and all(even though staying for the kids IMO is not a good reason).

 

but he does need to let her know how angry he is over all of this and that she has given him a scar for the rest of his life and something to occupy his mind about her from time to time.

 

 

Also if you read my posts. Not once did I give his wife an "EXCUSE."

 

And although you should never stay together JUST for the sake of children, they should be FULLY considered when deciding your next steps. If HE feels that there is enough left in the realtionship on which to re-build his marriage then he should try and precisely becasue he has children. Children are not trinkets.

Edited March 17, 2011 by KeyBiscayne

[WorldIsYours]

if he forgives her. she will do it again. she must have done it more than once. and how selfish of her to keep it a secret. she was thinking about her own well being fromn the get go. im sorry but in my eyes and mind.... when you love someone... you want them to be happy and even if that means letting them go. thats true love. not hiding secrets so they dont dump u. or doing things behind their back. Women like that ruin it for women like me. i have no respect and you will one day realize that the moment you found out you lost all respect towards her.

 

I agree ma'am. This woman is a trip.

[WorldIsYours]

I also want to add, I find it so bizarre that people write responses such as “dump the bitch,” and a host of other actions that should be taken, YET THEY HAVEN’T EVEN ASKED ONE QUESTION of the poster.

 

What if at the time on the betrayal they were both meth addicts and since then have cleaned themselves up, become born agains and had upstanding lives. Our perspective might change, don’t you think? Infidelity is never the answer, but saying “ dump the bitch” may not seem like the perfect fit in such a case. (I am not saying this is the case for you SCOTTS4, I am just making a point).

 

No wonder most relationships suck ass, even the ones who aren’t going through the stress and pain of infidelity. If people utilize their brain power and emotional abilities the way they do here…then we’re all doomed.

 

A spouse who cheats is no better than the hookers on the street. The only difference is that they have a ring on their finger, which they no longer deserve. You're refusing to see that she is a b!tch for doing this, and to the possibility that she probably cheated some more.

[WorldIsYours]

Also if you read my posts. Not once did I give his wife an "EXCUSE."

 

And although you should never stay together JUST for the sake of children, they should be FULLY considered when deciding your next steps. If HE feels that there is enough left in the realtionship on which to re-build his marriage then he should try and precisely becasue he has children. Children are not trinkets.

 

He doesn't have to stay in a bad relationship with someone, regardless if there's kids in the mix. He's not obligated to stay. Kids do not take over every parent's decision in life, and they can still be raised well in separate homes. Staying "because of my little ones" is just a cop out, and is never a good reason to stay with someone who put their lives at risk. And this woman cheated and this marriage has been fake for a long time so the family is already destroyed. She never once thought of her children when she cheated and decided to keep it hidden. If he stays, the kids will eventually see what's going on with their parents. Again, defending her deception and betrayal, telling him to get over it and stay because of his kids and because he's a man, is useless. If this was a woman you'd be telling her to dumb the loser.

[linwood]

So what if it's 18 years of marriage? So what if it happened 14 years ago? No point in being ignorant to the fact that this is new info to him, and that she kept this from him for many YEARS. And if she selfishly held it for that long, she probably had more affairs.

 

If in fact it was a single occurrence I don`t think it`s worth throwing 18 years of marriage out over it but I`m not as bitter as most here.

I don`t know how you justify stating "She probably had more affairs" without knowing anything about her other than she once had an affair.

I once had an affair and that affair is the sole reason I won`t ever have another.

 

The man just found out. Telling him to get over it is useless.

 

Read for comprehension.

I didn`t tell him to "Get over it" I told him to find a way to deal with it because I consider it a better choice than tossing out 18 years of marriage over a single affair that happened 124 years ago.

 

If he can`t find a way to deal with it that`s perfectly understandable but it should at the very least be a consideration.

[linwood]

"Deal with it"? Are you kidding?

 

Not at all..did I misuse a smiley?

 

Now, having said all of that -- yes, 14 years is a long time. Perhaps long enough to not simply toss the marriage aside, though I wouldn't fault him if he decided he couldn't continue with it.

 

If there is to be any hope of restoring your marriage, she needs to immediately become an open book. She must disclose who she cheated with, and identify the people in your social circle or family who knew about it and helped keep the secret. She needs to give you unlimited access to her email, facebook, internet history, and cell phone. She's destroyed your trust in her, and it's up to her to rebuild that.

 

So in other words you`re giving the OP path that might help him "Deal with it" if he chooses to try to save 18 years of marriage.

 

Good idea.

 

[linwood]

I love "it was 14 years ago- deal with it" as advice. That's ridiculous on every level. This is fresh in his mind because he JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT IT.

 

I'm very sorry for your pain, OP- I hope she is genuinely contrite about what she did and you can somehow work it out.

 

So you can "somehow work it out".

 

That would be dealing with it no?

 

Jesus this place is full of it!!

 

lol

[WorldIsYours]

If in fact it was a single occurrence I don`t think it`s worth throwing 18 years of marriage out over it but I`m not as bitter as most here.

 

Bitter has nothing to do with the fact she cheated and gaslighted him for YEARS. So what if it was one time?

 

I don`t know how you justify stating "She probably had more affairs" without knowing anything about her other than she once had an affair.

 

Because she's a cheater who's capable of lying and deceiving for years at a time.

 

I once had an affair and that affair is the sole reason I won`t ever have another.

 

Now I see.....

 

Read for comprehension.

 

Was figuring of saying the same thing to you.

 

 

I didn`t tell him to "Get over it" I told him to find a way to deal with it because I consider it a better choice than tossing out 18 years of marriage over a single affair that happened 124 years ago.

 

You said get over it, and you're ignoring the fact that this old information is new to him. The whole marriage was based on a lie that happened "124 years ago.":rolleyes:

 

If he can`t find a way to deal with it that`s perfectly understandable but it should at the very least be a consideration.

 

He can find a way to deal with it, by divorcing her. Reconciliation is not always the answer. After what she pulled on him, he doesn't have to consider a thing with her.

[WorldIsYours]

Now, having said all of that -- yes, 14 years is a long time. Perhaps long enough to not simply toss the marriage aside, though I wouldn't fault him if he decided he couldn't continue with it.

 

So what if the marriage is 14 years old? That doesn't overshadow her cheating and lying.

[fltc]

A LOT of discussion over what seems to be a "drive by"...

[linwood]

You said get over it,....

 

Please point me to the post where I told the OP to "Get over it".

[WorldIsYours]

Please point me to the post where I told the OP to "Get over it".

 

Deal with it, get over it, same darn thing.

[confusedinkansas]

if he forgives her. she will do it again. she must have done it more than once.

 

Don't believe this line for one second. It just is not true.

 

Many of us (& she may very well be 'one of us') NEVER do it again. Have vowed to ourselves/our spouses to NEVER to do it again.

You cannot go under the assumption that if you forgive her it will give her permission to do this again. It's not true.

AND - NO It does not mean that she's done it more than once.

 

Many here believe that if you cheat once you're a serial cheater. This is not true either. Some of us only go thru this once. (Yes it's not necessary to even do it once - but you can't change the past) Once is enough. I for one wouldn't put myself thru it again - Your wife is probably the same.

 

Please dont' knee jerk. Think about things. Take some time to process what you've been told. If you have a good marriage now & for 14 years you've had a good marriage - There's no reason why you can't continue on & have a very fulfilled rest of your life & marriage. (after obviously a time of counseling - or whatever it is that you feel you need)

 

There are lots of folks out there that do go on & have VERY FULFILLING & EXTREMELY HAPPY MARRIAGES

[WorldIsYours]

Don't believe this line for one second. It just is not true. Many of us (& she may very well be 'one of us') NEVER do it again. Have vowed to ourselves/our spouses to NEVER to do it again.

You cannot go under the assumption that if you forgive her it will give her permission to do this again. It's not true.

AND - NO It does not mean that she's done it more than once.

 

Even if cheaters never actually cheat again they still retain the selfish mindset they had when they initially put themselves in an affair. She's been lying for many years.

 

 

Many here believe that if you cheat once you're a serial cheater. This is not true either. Some of us only go thru this once. (Yes it's not necessary to even do it once - but you can't change the past) Once is enough. I for one wouldn't put myself thru it again - Your wife is probably the same.

 

Someone who cheats and takes away someone's right to know if they're in an honest marriage for years is just as bad as serial cheaters.

 

Please dont' knee jerk. Think about things. Take some time to process what you've been told. If you have a good marriage now & for 14 years you've had a good marriage - There's no reason why you can't continue on & have a very fulfilled rest of your life & marriage. (after obviously a time of counseling - or whatever it is that you feel you need)

 

Fourteen years doesn't change the fact she's been lying to him and cheating.

 

There are lots of folks out there that do go on & have VERY FULFILLING & EXTREMELY HAPPY MARRIAGES

 

And how many of them involve affairs?

[WorldIsYours]

anything else is just the chance that the BS is taking.

 

Yup. Just a hail mary the BS is throwing. Banking on cheaters who try to rationalize sociopathic behavior would put people into debt.

[confusedinkansas]

I might tend to agree with all of that.

But then again, if he forgives her, there is no guarantee that she won't do it again.

Only way to make sure she doesn't do it again, is to leave her. Thats the only SURE way.

anything else is just the chance that the BS is taking.

 

There's nothing in life that carries a guarantee. On any level, infidelity or otherwise. We could all be dead tomorrow - See, no guarantee.

If the OP is willing to take a bit of a chance (assuming he gets answers, help etc. - whatever he needs) he may be able to move on past this & be very happy.

 

And how many of them involve affairs?

World - I'm not sure the question is here. I have no actual stats. I do know a few folks that have endured affairs & have continued on with their marriages & are very happy (20-30 & even 40 years of marriage) & have better marriages than they did 'back then'

Speaking for myself - My marriage is much better than it was back then.

We're happy, we have more fun than we've have together, the love & respect is definately there!

 

I just think that if folks wouldn't knee jerk - take a step back & assess the situation before they make any kind of a rash decision.......then they MAY be happier in the long run. As in everything, this is not for everyone. For some cheating is a deal breaker - No matter what. I get that

[WorldIsYours]

There's nothing in life that carries a guarantee. On any level, infidelity or otherwise. We could all be dead tomorrow - See, no guarantee.

 

Doesn't excuse cheating regardless.

 

If the OP is willing to take a bit of a chance (assuming he gets answers, help etc. - whatever he needs) he may be able to move on past this & be very happy.

 

You can say very happy all you want, but it doesn't excuse all of the lying and cheating that his wife did, nor will the marriage be the same.

 

 

World - I'm not sure the question is here. I have no actual stats. I do know a few folks that have endured affairs & have continued on with their marriages & are very happy (20-30 & even 40 years of marriage) & have better marriages than they did 'back then'

Speaking for myself - My marriage is much better than it was back then.

We're happy, we have more fun than we've have together, the love & respect is definately there!

 

 

I just think that if folks wouldn't knee jerk - take a step back & assess the situation before they make any kind of a rash decision.......then they MAY be happier in the long run.

 

Nothing wrong with knee-jerking when it comes to cheaters, especially when they're the ones who "knee-jerked" their marriage down the drain. Betrayed spouses are not obligated to stay. The situation has already been assessed when the cheating is out in the open. There's a 100% guarantee that they WILL be happier in the long run.......with a real spouse.

 

As in everything, this is not for everyone. For some cheating is a deal breaker - No matter what. I get that

 

Yup cheating is for no one. Glad you get it.

[KeyBiscayne]

I might tend to agree with all of that.

 

But then again, if he forgives her, there is no guarantee that she won't do it again.

 

Only way to make sure she doesn't do it again, is to leave her. Thats the only SURE way.

 

anything else is just the chance that the BS is taking.

 

You're right. But everything is a chance. He could leave her and marry someone else and that person could cheat on him. Or maybe the new person he married would not cheat on him, but the marriage would be pure misery. Everything is a chance isnt it?

[KeyBiscayne]

He doesn't have to stay in a bad relationship with someone, regardless if there's kids in the mix. He's not obligated to stay. Kids do not take over every parent's decision in life, and they can still be raised well in separate homes. Staying "because of my little ones" is just a cop out, and is never a good reason to stay with someone who put their lives at risk. And this woman cheated and this marriage has been fake for a long time so the family is already destroyed. She never once thought of her children when she cheated and decided to keep it hidden. If he stays, the kids will eventually see what's going on with their parents. Again, defending her deception and betrayal, telling him to get over it and stay because of his kids and because he's a man, is useless. If this was a woman you'd be telling her to dumb the loser.

 

First of all nowhere in my post did I say he has to stay?????

 

Of course the kids would see what was going on in their parents marriage, if they stayed in a bad marriage. I never said he should do that???????????? I've reread my post and if you cold let me know where i said that, I would be happy to address it.

 

And yes I would give the SAME advice to a woman.

 

I'd love to have a debate of this issue, but you have to actually read and respond to what I actually said.

[Darren Taylor]

It's really sad how many sympathizers there are. Even if that was the one and only affair, she kept it a secret for well over a decade. She knew how the OP felt about infidelity and still went along with it. That shows how selfish she is and what lengths she will go through to keep the affair on the down low.

 

 

Many of us (& she may very well be 'one of us') NEVER do it again. Have vowed to ourselves/our spouses to NEVER to do it again.

You cannot go under the assumption that if you forgive her it will give her permission to do this again. It's not true.

AND - NO It does not mean that she's done it more than once.

 

 

You're the minority. The majority of cheaters don't do it once, regret it, and never do it again. You're delusional if you think otherwise.

[WorldIsYours]

I'd love to have a debate of this issue, but you have to actually read and respond to what I actually said.

 

I did read.

[WorldIsYours]

It's really sad how many sympathizers there are. Even if that was the one and only affair, she kept it a secret for well over a decade. She knew how the OP felt about infidelity and still went along with it. That shows how selfish she is and what lengths she will go through to keep the affair on the down low.

 

 

 

 

 

You're the minority. The majority of cheaters don't do it once, regret it, and never do it again. You're delusional if you think otherwise.

 

Agree 100%. The fact that she held this for so long says a lot, and since her husband never knew about it, she probably used that to cheat some more.

[PorkRinds]

I don't think confused in kansas has disclosed the full extent of her own infidelities to her husband.

 

Confused in kansas, want to clarify?

[confusedinkansas]

This isn't my thread & I won't threadjack it to explain my situation.

 

All I have said to the OP here is;

1) assess the damage & try to not knee jerk.

2) it doesn't mean she's had multiple affairs

3) folks can be happy after the fact

 

I haven't taken up for or been an advocate for either team - him or her - I haven't jumped to conclusions about 'the rest of the story' or said dump her immediately like many have done. I've merely said those 3 things - in a nutshell.