scotts4 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Found out yesterday that my wife of 18 years had an affair 14 years ago. We were young and there were some rough patches, but to cross that line when you are still married is B.S. Now that there are children involved I can't just walk away. I told her before we were married that any infidelity would end our marriage. So she kept it her own secret over all this time and did not tell anyone so I would not find out and dump her. I cant help rethinking all of the details of everything back then and how this could of happened. I guess with a plan anything works out. She is absolutely terrified I am going to leave her and the kids. She is overwhelmed with sorrow is believe she really is sorry. I can't help but be upset that I didn't have a chose in the matter when it happened. I would of left her and she knew it and didn't tell me.
linwood Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Has she been faithful for the past 14 years? If so get some counseling, tell her what you`re going to need to deal with it and then deal with it. Why toss out 18 years of marriage over something that happened 14 years ago and hasn`t been repeated? Find a way to deal with it.
WorldIsYours Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Found out yesterday that my wife of 18 years had an affair 14 years ago. We were young and there were some rough patches, but to cross that line when you are still married is B.S. Exactly. No excuses. Now that there are children involved I can't just walk away. Yes you can, and your children will still be fine enough to go on to live their lives. She walked away from you and chose to not say anything for a long time so of course it is a shock to you. She's in damage-control now. She screwed you over big time, buddy. I told her before we were married that any infidelity would end our marriage. So she kept it her own secret over all this time and did not tell anyone so I would not find out and dump her. And that is the main reason to leave. If she kept it a secret for almost 20 years, who knows if she's even been faithful to you? She was the one holding her hand. I cant help rethinking all of the details of everything back then and how this could of happened. I guess with a plan anything works out. She is absolutely terrified I am going to leave her and the kids. She is overwhelmed with sorrow is believe she really is sorry. Like I said, she's in damage-control mode. She doesn't necessarily care about your feelings now, just trying to present herself in the best light to convince you to stay with her, even when your marriage has been a lie. I can't help but be upset that I didn't have a chose in the matter when it happened. I would of left her and she knew it and didn't tell me. Of course you can't help getting upset, and you have every right to be. The fact she kept this for a long time shows how she has no morals, and only cares for herself. All these years she's been trying to justify her cheating and lying to you. Who knows? She probably cheated again or more recently. You need to take a hard look at yourself and think about whether you still want a woman who can cheat, and lie to you for YEARS.
WorldIsYours Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Has she been faithful for the past 14 years? Why toss out 18 years of marriage over something that happened 14 years ago and hasn`t been repeated? So what if it's 18 years of marriage? So what if it happened 14 years ago? No point in being ignorant to the fact that this is new info to him, and that she kept this from him for many YEARS. And if she selfishly held it for that long, she probably had more affairs. Find a way to deal with it. The man just found out. Telling him to get over it is useless.
carrie999 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 How did you find out? Did it come out through some conversation about the past? Did she just decide she couldn't take holding it in anymore and had to come clean?
ConflictedGuy27 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 World is right on. yes... it's 14 years late, but it's still time to take out the trash. get angry & dump that bitch.
dreamingoftigers Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Whoa whoa whoa, no sudden moves. Think things over, talk to some folks, weigh out your options and see if there are any amends to be made. I would however suggest a polygraph. Just relax and make sure you make the right decision for you and your kids. Try not to be too reactive and understand that the information provided to you has (most likely) caused an injury to the limbic center of the brain that bonds you to your spouse. Give a little tone for that to heal before bringing any hammers down. Time is on your side now.
reservoirdog1 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Has she been faithful for the past 14 years? If so get some counseling, tell her what you`re going to need to deal with it and then deal with it. Why toss out 18 years of marriage over something that happened 14 years ago and hasn`t been repeated? Find a way to deal with it. "Deal with it"? Are you kidding? To her, it was 14 years ago. To him, it's brand-fricking-new. And it's not just the cheating -- she knew how he felt about cheating before she ever married him, but went ahead and did it anyway. Which basically means that, for 14 years, his marriage has been, in one important respect, something of a fraud. She denied him the opportunity to make choices about the course of HIS LIFE armed with all the information (i.e. that his wife was willing to spread her legs for another man). She made decisions for him that were NOT HERS to make. Now, having said all of that -- yes, 14 years is a long time. Perhaps long enough to not simply toss the marriage aside, though I wouldn't fault him if he decided he couldn't continue with it. OP -- I feel for you, man. A question: who did she cheat with? Was it somebody you know or knew? Somebody in your social circle? Because if it was, then she blatantly disrespected you, by having you naively socialize with the guy she was screwing on the side. That's collossally disrespectful. And even more importantly -- is she still in contact with him? I certainly hope not. But if she is, that must end IMMEDIATELY. If there is to be any hope of restoring your marriage, she needs to immediately become an open book. She must disclose who she cheated with, and identify the people in your social circle or family who knew about it and helped keep the secret. She needs to give you unlimited access to her email, facebook, internet history, and cell phone. She's destroyed your trust in her, and it's up to her to rebuild that. If she resists doing any of those things... sorry to be callous, but kick her to the curb.
yessy21 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 if he forgives her. she will do it again. she must have done it more than once. and how selfish of her to keep it a secret. she was thinking about her own well being fromn the get go. im sorry but in my eyes and mind.... when you love someone... you want them to be happy and even if that means letting them go. thats true love. not hiding secrets so they dont dump u. or doing things behind their back. Women like that ruin it for women like me. i have no respect and you will one day realize that the moment you found out you lost all respect towards her.
UnsureinSeattle Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 I love "it was 14 years ago- deal with it" as advice. That's ridiculous on every level. This is fresh in his mind because he JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT IT. I'm very sorry for your pain, OP- I hope she is genuinely contrite about what she did and you can somehow work it out... and don't let anyone tell you how you can or can't feel about this.
KeyBiscayne Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 World is right on. yes... it's 14 years late, but it's still time to take out the trash. get angry & dump that bitch. I take offense to boiling the description of a person down to a “bitch.” I guess I am one of those people who thinks I can call my husband an a**h**e, but don’t you call him an a**h**e! I would hope the children, who I presume are loved by both parents, are not the product of some “bitch.” They are instead the product of a flesh and blood human being who made a mistake, one that her husband certainly does not have to tolerate. But that’s just me. He is aright to consider the kids before immediately jumping to divorce. This is “adult” thinking. The effects of affairs can affect children, depending on if the children know and the resulting environment of the marriage/family. And divorce definitely affects children. Some fare great, some good, some not so good. The individual factors of each situation come into play of course. Kids are undoubtedly best served from an emotional standpoint, in a sound family structure, preferably a structure that they have become used to. Some of the questions are: Do you think this is a one off thing, that occurred 14 years ago? Why did it occur? Is she just sexually impulsive, was there something going on in her life or the marriage? Assuming this is a one off thing what has your experience of the marriage been? If you were able to take away this transgression, has she been a good wife in the totality of her actions? Do he think she is truly sorry? Has she grown and matured as a person? What is his emotional capacity to forgive? Is she humbled and capable of being unselfish and giving him what he need’s in order to forgive her? Does he have the emotional capacity to rebuild the marriage Does she have the emotional capacity to rebuild the marriage? Just as her act was selfish, not considering your children when it comes to deciding if the marriage is salvageable is EXTREMELY selfish. Perhaps more so, because they did not ask to be born. We parents brought them into this world and are responsible for growing them into adulthood safe, loved and as emotionally healthy as possible. Treating children as collateral damage and not giving them deep and thoughtful consideration is the BIGGEST BEYRAYAL! How would you feel if you knew when your parents made LIFE CHANGING decisions they were like “he’ll survive…he’ll get over it” and acted like you were an afterthought. Yes we still have our own lives to live, but who they become is a direct result of ALL that we are, not just in the moments we are good or bad, but the entire equation of our lives. Every decision that is made - which will affect them - requires an extreme amount of gravitas. At the time his wife made her decision, she should have been thinking of this. She was not. Now he is. To: Scotts4 / Firstly I am sorry for your pain. This may not sink in right now because you are so emotionally raw, but time can heal, BUT we have to ALLOW it to heal. You are at the beginning of a long process of healing and growth. This is the case whether you end up with your wife or not. Getting a divorce may end up being the right answer. But make that decision after deep introspection, leave no stone unturned , so that you know it’s the right one for you and your kids.
michelangelo Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 (edited) I concur. From my own personal experience I know the pain the OP wrote of. The theft of time, the exposure to STD's, the offensive deception, the bad example to the kids? It's just so offensive that someone who "acts" like they love you can do such a horrible thing. I regret very much that I chose to try to fix things with my wife after her so-called one time thing. It turned out to really be an 8-year affair then covered up for even more years beyond screwing around. Please, do not fall into my trap. Deceivers who lie successfully for years never really cough up everything they have done to betray their wedding vows. They are beyond selfish. I chose badly, seems you did too. "Deal with it"? Are you kidding? To her, it was 14 years ago. To him, it's brand-fricking-new. And it's not just the cheating -- she knew how he felt about cheating before she ever married him, but went ahead and did it anyway. Which basically means that, for 14 years, his marriage has been, in one important respect, something of a fraud. She denied him the opportunity to make choices about the course of HIS LIFE armed with all the information (i.e. that his wife was willing to spread her legs for another man). She made decisions for him that were NOT HERS to make. Now, having said all of that -- yes, 14 years is a long time. Perhaps long enough to not simply toss the marriage aside, though I wouldn't fault him if he decided he couldn't continue with it. OP -- I feel for you, man. A question: who did she cheat with? Was it somebody you know or knew? Somebody in your social circle? Because if it was, then she blatantly disrespected you, by having you naively socialize with the guy she was screwing on the side. That's collossally disrespectful. And even more importantly -- is she still in contact with him? I certainly hope not. But if she is, that must end IMMEDIATELY. If there is to be any hope of restoring your marriage, she needs to immediately become an open book. She must disclose who she cheated with, and identify the people in your social circle or family who knew about it and helped keep the secret. She needs to give you unlimited access to her email, facebook, internet history, and cell phone. She's destroyed your trust in her, and it's up to her to rebuild that. If she resists doing any of those things... sorry to be callous, but kick her to the curb. Edited March 17, 2011 by michelangelo
UnsureinSeattle Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 PS to the "Get over it/Hold on/it was a mistake/blame the OP" crowd- in addition to the affair- she LIED about it for the past 14 years. Regardless of if it happened only once- she kept this secret for a long, long time. Just sayin'.
KeyBiscayne Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 (edited) I also want to add, I find it so bizarre that people write responses such as “dump the bitch,” and a host of other actions that should be taken, YET THEY HAVEN’T EVEN ASKED ONE QUESTION of the poster. What if at the time on the betrayal they were both meth addicts and since then have cleaned themselves up, become born agains and had upstanding lives. Our perspective might change, don’t you think? Infidelity is never the answer, but saying “ dump the bitch” may not seem like the perfect fit in such a case. (I am not saying this is the case for you SCOTTS4, I am just making a point). No wonder most relationships suck ass, even the ones who aren’t going through the stress and pain of infidelity. If people utilize their brain power and emotional abilities the way they do here…then we’re all doomed. Edited March 17, 2011 by KeyBiscayne
reservoirdog1 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 One more thing, OP -- how did you find out? If it was anything other than "she broke down and confessed", then that's another strike against her. It means that she would have continued the deception indefinitely if you hadn't found out the truth. And whether she came clean or you found out... another poster used the phrase "damage control". It is very, very likely that there is more to this than you know or than she has admitted to you. Cheaters basically never give you the full story -- they give you the information they figure you could find out. If they figure there's no way in hell you could find out some things, they tend to keep those hidden.
carhill Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Hi OP, welcome to LS My sympathies.... Could you share with us the evidence of her past affair which you now have in your possession? Also, understanding the disclosure dynamic would be helpful. As an example, you found old love letters, confronted her and she added more details. Or, she voluntarily disclosed and provided details which match up. Understanding the dynamic can help with next steps. Also, what are your ages and those of your children?
What_Next Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 First, welcome to LS, second I am sorry you are here under these circumstances. Now there are those that will of course scream for her head on a pike. They will scream instant divorce, scortched earth and all that. Most are BS and most are bitter and angry. You can choose to listen to them if you must. In fact that is a viable option with a clearly defined outcome. My advice, SLOW DOWN. NO MAJOR life decisions right now. Slow down! If possible get away from her for a little while. Personally I think she should be asked to leave and go stay with family of friends. It'll give you time to think and ponder some. could you provide a little background on the affair itself?
carhill Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 OP, also, a historical question: Have you or your wife ever in the past suggested to the other or discussed the concept of or desire to attend marriage counseling. If so, when was that? Another piece of my puzzle just fell into place which causes me to ask this question. Do you have some close male friends in real life you can gain support from? Friends are a real ally in difficult times. Accept their love and understanding.
Owl Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 First, welcome to LS, second I am sorry you are here under these circumstances. Now there are those that will of course scream for her head on a pike. They will scream instant divorce, scortched earth and all that. Most are BS and most are bitter and angry. You can choose to listen to them if you must. In fact that is a viable option with a clearly defined outcome. There are a number of very good posters here. My suggestion would be to listen to ALL of the advice, and use what fits your situation and your personality the best. My advice, SLOW DOWN. NO MAJOR life decisions right now. Slow down! If possible get away from her for a little while. Personally I think she should be asked to leave and go stay with family of friends. It'll give you time to think and ponder some. could you provide a little background on the affair itself? I completely agree with the "slow down, no major decisions right now" mindset. This isn't a current thing ongoing that requires you to take drastic measures to get her to end a current, ongoing affair. You're not in a sitaution where you have to force change right now, which is how most posters come here needing. Take some time to wrap your head around what happened, what she did, her lies since then. Also take the time to wrap your head around where your marriage is at TODAY, what your relationship with her is like TODAY and in recent years...and take time to reason out what your plan of action from here is. I'm not advocating ANY specific plan of action other than taking the time to work through this...there's no need for a knee-jerk response.
KeyBiscayne Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 (edited) World is right on. yes... it's 14 years late, but it's still time to take out the trash. get angry & dump that bitch. PS to the "Get over it/Hold on/it was a mistake/blame the OP" crowd- in addition to the affair- she LIED about it for the past 14 years. Regardless of if it happened only once- she kept this secret for a long, long time. Just sayin'. Sorry to hear about your story and painful experience. But I must say that they sound completely different, although I need to learn more. You forgave your wife, then she had an 8 YEAR AFFAIR (hellllo!), and that’s on top of additional screwing around? You certainly picked a doozy! You might as well have married Heidi Fleiss. IF…and notice I say IF, he believes after serious investigation this was a one off thing and weighs all the factors in his situation…they could be different. I’d be yelling “dump her” if he told your story. That means every single time your wife came home over 10 years and had screwed another guy she had to lie. She was weaving whole stories for 10 years to cover her tracks. That’s not just an affair, that’s a double life. For me that’s a whole different brand of person. Someone that’s active and pathological. A deep-seated mental problem, that goes way beyond a mistake. To say there are not people who exist, who have been unfaithful at some point in their lives and then have gone on to remain monogamous after the fact is untrue. No psychiatrist or therapist in the world would tell you that such a person is an anomaly. Although every choice to be unfaithful is wrong, every case is not your wife (Thank the Lord). Once again this does not mean that this guy’s marriage is worth saving…but he needs to decide. Just because your wife was a selfish, narcissistic, unapologetic, emotionally abusive, personality disordered, psychopath does not mean that his is. Just like every person who tries drugs doesn’t become a crack addict. See link below. The guy below is not just a cheater, he's a deranged lunatic. Maybe him and your ex should get married [FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3][COLOR=#800080]http://www.lemondrop.com/2010/08/03/she-found-out-her-husband-had-another-wife-via-facebook/[/COLOR][/sIZE][/FONT] Edited March 17, 2011 by KeyBiscayne
KeyBiscayne Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 OP, also, a historical question: Have you or your wife ever in the past suggested to the other or discussed the concept of or desire to attend marriage counseling. If so, when was that? Another piece of my puzzle just fell into place which causes me to ask this question. Do you have some close male friends in real life you can gain support from? Friends are a real ally in difficult times. Accept their love and understanding. [sIZE=3]I agree with you that friends are very good in these situations. But TRUE FRIENDS. I think he should tell maybe two people who are TRUE FRIENDS that can be trusted and know how to keep things confidential. [/sIZE] [sIZE=3] [/sIZE] [sIZE=3]Here’s the thing: If you does decide to reconcile, you don’t need a whole gallery of people sitting around dissecting every moment of your marriage. You don't to feel all wierd holding each other's hands at the neighborhood bar-be-que. That can make reconciling so much harder. [/sIZE] [sIZE=3][/sIZE] [sIZE=3]If you don’t reconcile, you have kids to think of. You don’t want friends with big mouths yapping their brains out, to the point that even their kids know. And then their kid say something to your kid about how mommy is a slut and hurts your child. People are jerks! [/sIZE] [sIZE=3] [/sIZE] [sIZE=3]A lot of people pretend they are there to listen and counsel, but all they are really there for is the excitement and drama! You become the cheap entertainment for their pathetic lives. DO NOT ALLOW IT! If you ever have a chance to be privy to their drama, you'd probably DIE. But all the same you have never been give that chance, so they have the opportunity to act pious. DO NOT ALLOW IT! [/sIZE] [sIZE=3][/sIZE] [sIZE=3]Choose one or two friends who want the best for you and your kids, are sane, emotionally balanced and have made sound decisions in their own lives. Lives that you respect in all regards. And whose relationships seem fulfilling and are ones you would want to emulate in most. [/sIZE] [sIZE=3][/sIZE] [sIZE=3]Don't tell your "bowling buddy" who is really nice and fun to hang with, but twice divorced. Misery loves company. [/sIZE]
ver13 Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 She told you and now you know something that has been eating at her for over 14yrs. I know that we all have different value systems and you have said that for you this is a show stopper. I respect that and I respect her for having the courage to face you after having boken your trust. You said that she has been a great wife for 18 years minus the one time that she told you about 14yrs ago. Before you consider changing your family situation you two might want to go to a MC, FC or a Pastor and talk with them about how you feel about this. The fact that she told you about something that happened so long ago in your lives together and she is remorseful about it means something. Take your time on this one Rome wasn't built in a day neither was your 18yrs of M. Both took hard work, sweat and pain to become the center of the known world. No house is without imperfections when it is the hands of men that build it.
KeyBiscayne Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 (edited) OP, also, a historical question: Have you or your wife ever in the past suggested to the other or discussed the concept of or desire to attend marriage counseling. If so, when was that? Another piece of my puzzle just fell into place which causes me to ask this question. Do you have some close male friends in real life you can gain support from? Friends are a real ally in difficult times. Accept their love and understanding. I agree with you that friends are very good in these situations. But TRUE FRIENDS. I think he should tell maybe two people who are TRUE FRIENDS that can be trusted and know how to keep things confidential. Here’s the thing: If you do decide to reconcile, you don’t need a whole gallery of people sitting around dissecting every moment of your marriage. You don't want to feel all wierd holding each other's hands at the neighborhood bar-be-que. That can make reconciling so much harder. If you don’t reconcile, you have kids to think of. You don’t want friends with big mouths yapping their brains out, to the point that even their kids know. And then their kid says something to your kid about how mommy is a slut and hurts your child. People are jerks! A lot of people pretend they are there to listen and counsel, but all they are really there for is the excitement and drama! You become the cheap entertainment for their pathetic lives. DO NOT ALLOW IT! If you were to ever have a chance to be privy to their drama, you'd probably DIE. But all the same you have never been give that chance, so they have the opportunity to act pious. Choose one or two friends who want the best for you and your kids, are sane, emotionally balanced and have made sound decisions in their own lives. Lives that you respect in all regards. And whose relationships seem fulfilling and are ones you would want to emulate. Edited March 17, 2011 by KeyBiscayne
carhill Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Note: I stated 'close male friends'. In my life, those are male friends I say 'I love you' to and count on one hand. Most of them have been through what the OP has shared here and have wisdom and life experience to share, as well as beers
KeyBiscayne Posted March 17, 2011 Posted March 17, 2011 Note: I stated 'close male friends'. In my life, those are male friends I say 'I love you' to and count on one hand. Most of them have been through what the OP has shared here and have wisdom and life experience to share, as well as beers oooops I missed that part
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